Therapy failure

[Cat Dancer]

I stopped therapy in September last year because my therapist asked me to do something I just couldn't do and he said he wouldn't see me anymore. Just abruptly with no referral after seven years of seeing him. I have seen a few therapists since then. For one reason or another none of them have worked out.

My old therapist had diagnosed me mainly with PTSD, but also with OCD and Major depression. None of the therapists I have seen since then thought I had ocd based on what I told them. Even my doctor doesn't think I have it.

I was supposed to see someone new on Tuesday, but he cancelled for some reason and hasn't rescheduled. I felt that was my only hope. I live in a really rural area where there is basically no mental health care. This place was over an hour away. He is new, but I was so hopeful that it might work out.

I don't even know what is wrong with me now. I had kind of thought I had ocd, but since no one but my old therapist thinks that I'm not sure. I also struggle with anorexia, but I didn't tell this new guy that hoping he would see me because that has been the stumbling block in the past for seeing someone. Most simply don't work with eating disorders. I know I am depressed and anxious. Maybe just generalized anxiety disorder. I don't know. I'm not even sure a diagnosis matters. Maybe only to the insurance company.

I know I need to just move on and get over the old therapist. I know it sounds stupid and silly, but what happened with him has been extremely traumatizing to me. I don't think about it all the time or even most of the time, but when I do it just hits me with such pain. I blame myself in a lot of ways. I think I overwhelmed him somehow. I just wish we could have had a better ending so there could be some peace about it. I know that life doesn't usually work that way though.

I think now most of what happened in therapy was probably not good. I'm not sure. I feel so uncertain about everything. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I just feel so alone and depressed and afraid. I don't talk to people in real life about this stuff. I really try not to burden people. I know it must not seem that way because I have posted so much here. I know I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life. I feel so confused. Sometimes I think I have tired really hard to get well and sometimes I think I haven't. I just know that I am hurting so much inside. I don't know if therapy is for me or if it made me worse because of my unhealthy attachment to him. I saw him three times a month and called him maybe two or three times a month. There was no email or any other outside contact. I do think I was too much though. I don't know what is healthy and I don't understand how I messed up. I keep saying that, but if I could know then I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes.

I know it took me three years to trust him and now I don't see how I can ever trust anyone again like that, knowing what can happen when you do trust someone. So this has affected me going forward. I loathe myself. I do. I know how I am and want to change, but doing it alone is hard.

This all makes me physically ill as well. I just drag though the day and try to act cheerful, but inside I feel dead.

I need therapy to get over therapy and I can't find anyone to help me.

---------- Post Merged at 03:31 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:54 PM ----------

Sometimes I wonder if I am malingering. I've been reading about it and maybe this is what I'm doing to get out of having a job or get out of living a real life. It kind of makes sense. Ugh. I'm just not sure. I'm SO not sure of anything anymore.

 

[rdw]

Did you reschedule for the cancelled therapy session?

 

[Cat Dancer]

They are supposed to call me.

 

[rdw]

Would it help you to call them?

 

[Cat Dancer]

No. I won't call and impose myself on them. If they can't see me, they can't or won't or whatever. I don't want to be annoying.

 

[GDPR]

I wish I knew what your old therapist asked you to do,that you couldn't do,so I could understand exactly where you're coming from.But since I don't,I am wondering if there's a possibility you could start therapy with him again?

 

[Cat Dancer]

He asked me to bring my husband in so he could tell him about past abuse. He said he wouldn't see me again unless I did this. I refused because I know my husband wouldn't be supportive or helpful and it would make things worse for me. I may be dumb in a lot of ways, but I do know this would be a bad thing. I did get kind of desperate later and called and left a message saying I would do whatever he wanted if he would see me again (I did this twice) and he never called me back. He never gave me a referral or any kind of closure session or any hope that I could get better. I guess it was my fault because I wouldn't do what he wanted, but he had ALWAYS told me he would never make me tell anyone until I was totally ready. I know i have to let go of trying to understand it. I'm not sure I can deal with on my own though.

 

[rdw]

I would not classify that as annoying - it's proactive.

 

[GDPR]

He asked me to bring my husband in so he could tell him about past abuse. He said he wouldn't see me again unless I did this.

Sorry that happened.That seems so wrong.My therapist has encouraged me to take my husband in to sessions with me,and has encouraged me to tell him certain things,but it's always,always been my choice whether I do them or not.I can't imagine him ever telling me he wouldn't see me anymore if I didn't.

It's not your fault because you didn't do what he wanted.He sounds like a jerk actually and I am glad you're not seeing him anymore.I do hope you can get in to see someone else though.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I feel guilty because I don't there to be a bad guy (him) and a good guy (me the victim of him). You know? I trusted him and loved him and he was kind to me and I thought he cared about me and he always said he would be there for me as long as I didn't give up. I thought I would pass out when he told me he wouldn't see me anymore unless I did this. He told me over the phone and I have never seen him again. I think I need therapy to work through this grief. It's probably stupid to call it grief. I think he did mess up. It has hurt me immensely and I'm trying to get it through my very thick skull that there may be no happy resolution to this even though I want it so badly. It's caused massive confusion about how I think and feel about therapy and i have to figure that out on my own. It was a shock. A huge shock.

 

[forgetmenot]

CD please call the new therapist ok boy do you sound like me it is hard to trust omg yes and to reach out for help but i too had to call and rebook with my therapist and it was hard very hard hun but it worked out. Please do that for YOU ok you are not being annoying you are rescheduling an appt that you need The new therapist may be waiting for you to do that to call him

---------- Post Merged at 06:27 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:14 PM ----------

Of course it was a huge shock how dare he force you to do something that is just not in your comfort zone or what you want That is not his choice that is yours and yours alone to make. No way in hell i would bring my hsb to therapy no way and if i was ever forced or given a choice i would have done the same as YOU CD
You do not let anyone take your right to chose what is best for you.

He is not bad but he certainly failed you in that he took that trust you build up in him and he threw it away dam eh

A new therapist will help you deal with the abandonment the confusion ok he will and you deserve to heal CD you deserve help so you call ok even thought it will be upsetting you call ok talk to therapist or the secretary and you get that new appt hugs

 

[Banned]

Why is this a failure? Why can't it be just a set of circumstances to be dealt with?

 

[rdw]

I agree - it's not a failure CD. Have you ever thought that you may have gone as far as you could with that therapist and that you've outgrown him?

 

[W00BY]

I agree with all the advice above.... read those posts and act on it CD...what has happened is not reflection on you

I cannot believe a therapist would do that...I have been in therapy in all 5 years...the one I am with now is the only one I have talked to about things I will never tell my partner...there are some things I will never tell anyone...she has asked why I feel like this... but my answer was simply...people say they are always there and want to help but in reality no one wants to hear grim stuff and those closest to you get the most hurt by these revelations...you see it in their faces...am not up for that...and that answer was enough for my therapist.

Your answer should have been enough for that therapist...there is no blame to be apportioned in your direction whatsoever...again therapists are like general practitioners some are good some are bad...I personally studied with people who there is no way they should be therapists...yet they are.

My own first experience of therapy was a young Asian chap who was fresh out of psychiatry school and wanted a psychotherapy slot under his belt and would actually yawn during session and his disinterest was palpable...he ended the sessions by letter!

But the point is I wasn't put off I went back to my doctor asked to be re-referred and asked for a female therapist and that is were it all fell into place for me.

The point I am making is you are worth the effort to make this effort...those sessions are not a waste even though this has happened...you will find if you think about it and from reading your posts I certainly get the sense (much as myself) there is a more clear idea of exactly what you are needing due to this all together not positive experience.

Therapy is like any other journey in life it is a path of discovery and no one is an expert in it's navigation at the beginning...I reiterate again it was not a failed experience...just not exactly what was needed.

A final note is when I went into therapy the reason I ended up with the male therapist was I felt I could not speak to a female (thanks to my mum and gran) as I had had no positive female role models in my life and this is what lead to me sitting with an ambivalent psych student...When I went back to my GP I asked for a female therapist which the year before would have been unthinkable but it is the best move I ever made, exactly what I thought I didn't want turned out to be exactly what I needed.

Have a good think CD and shape this into what you need it to be...please don't be put off by what has went before...you have worked really hard and that says so much about what you could achieve with the right therapist.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I hadn't thought about restructuring into not being a failure. I will try to work on that in my mind. Thanks for listening and the comments.I feel like this has helped a lot to give me some kind of closure, even though I know it will pop up from time to time. I always want to deal with it in the new therapy if I ever get there, but not too much. He did help me in many ways even though there were a lot of things that weren't quite right.

 

[Jesse910]

CD:

I did not realize the intensity of your turmoil over the past months. And, in trying to get a handle on where you are, let's break things down a bit. Initially, you had a therapist for 7 years whom you grew attached. The attachment we form in therapy should be one-sided. We are trusting someone to listen to our issues, help us figure them out, and find creative ways to bring resolution and a sense of peace and empowerment within our lives. At times, transference comes into play wherein we view the therapist as the "ideal parent," the "ideal mate," or the "ideal friend." In same ways there are. However, this is the therapeutic relationship which allows us to heal. Unfortunately, based upon what you shared here, your former therapist did not do a good job in preparing you for termination of his services. My former therapist, started telling me he was going to retire at least six weeks before he actually did. This enabled me to become accustomed to his pending departure. He also gave me the name of a new therapist - someone he actually knew and felt would be the best fit for me. We talked about the therapy relationship - areas where I had healed and areas where I could continue healing. Your therapist did not do a good job.

Secondly, I understand the reluctance to stick your neck out again and to try someone new. You have been hurt. Years ago, I had a shrink who made some derogatory comments towards me just before she retired. I did not appreciate it. And, thus, I did not seek therapy for an entire year and I no longer took medication. That proved dangerous for me. As they say, I had to get back up on the horse again and trust somebody. However, I learned some new things to do: When I met this new shrink, I clearly stated what had failed with my previous shrink; what I wanted to see happen; and what I wasn't going to tolerate in the future. To my surprise, this worked. This time around, I set the boundaries to which I was amenable to therapy. And, did I get close to the new shrink? Yes. Did I learn more things about myself? Yes. Did I get hurt by this new person, Yes. And, I found someone new.

One of the things we have to remember CD is that shrinks/therapists are human beings with degrees behind their name. They do good and they don't always do well with clients. We must be our own advocates.

What should you do at this point? It sounds like you need to punt. Like RDW stated, you need to look for someone else and that is within your power to do so. And, if you're asked to do something that you don't feel comfortable, ask the question, why is that necessary. And, if you still do not feel comfortable, don't do it friend.

Let us know what you decide and how you are handling things.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I did see a new therapist. He seems nice enough. He said he thinks he can help me. I tried to be honest with him. I told him about the failed therapy stuff. I don't know. I am afraid of coming across as manipulative and wanting sympathy and attention and being fragile. I feel confused. I'm not sure what to say really or what to disclose. I like the idea of not dealing with the past which he said we didn't need to go there. I have already decided that I will NOT talk about any abuse or self injury. I did tell a little about the eating difficulties I have and he didn't say he couldn't work with me so that is good. I am very guarded which is probably good and bad. I feel guilty about spending money for this. I really do. It makes me feel physically ill because I have already spent so much on therapy. I might be beyond help and hope. I don't want to waste his time if I am. I am going to go for a few sessions though and see what happens. I probably sound really crazy.

 

[Jesse910]

Hi CD:
There are no right or wrong first starts in therapy. It's one session at a time. We've all had a case of the jitters - "did I say something that I'll regret." "OMG, I said something totally bizarre and this person probably things that I am an idiot." I'm glad that you're continuing this therapy process. And, you're right, you will know soon enough whether it's a good fit or not. And, rule of thumb: we only share what needs to be shared.

Take care.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks. I need to slow my mind down and just take it one session at a time. Good advice.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I was thinking about this being a failure because there wasn't a good ending to it. Termination was not good. It has left me with awful feelings, blame toward myself which I already do enough of anyway and he knew that. He knew that i would blame myself. I think he knows he is off the hook about being responsible because I do totally blame myself. Because of the awful ending everything in all the therapy is in question for me. Did we do any good work at all? Was his "caring" just false? How do I believe anyone or trust anyone again? If I had known it was going to end this way I would have left after the first session. The way it ended just has devastated me and I will try to deal with this in my new therapy as he thinks it is important to do so. It is a trauma and there is grief over it. I don't want it and didn't want it and yet I have to somehow pick up the pieces of it. Hopefully this new therapist can help me figure it out and put it in some kind of perspective.

Sigh. It just is a failure because of the way it ended. Good therapy is NOT supposed to end like that. It just isn't. Even I am smart enough to know that. mg: