Therapy failure

[Jesse910]

Hi CD:

I understand failure, guilt, self-blame, etc. Yes, your former therapist did not have consideration for you when he bailed. That was a bad therapist. You've already made the decision not to repeat that mistake. Give yourself permission to move on. I could tell you horrendous stories of guilt that plagued my life for years -- some of which had to do with bad therapy. The only person I can look out for is myself. And, the same is true for you. You have a fresh start, go with it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's so confusing. If I could think the right thoughts and deal with my feelings in a healthy way would I need therapy? Do I need therapy? I don't know. He's going to look into referring me to an eating disorder specialist, but he said it's unlikely he can even find someone within a reasonable distance. I feel like I have failed again.

I hate myself. I hate needing help. I want to do this on my own, but I can't. I don't want to try to depend on someone again. I don't ever want to trust blindly again. That would be so stupid. I have to look out for myself because no one else is going to and that includes figuring out if I need therapy or if I can just trudge through life without it. I did for a long time. And it was hard and sucked, but was much less painful than being rejected and abandoned by someone that i freaking paid to help me. Ugh I hate that these stupid angry, bitter emotions toward my old therapist keep coming up. I hate me more though.

If this therapist thinks he can't help me then that is it for me. I will NOT go back again. I apparently am someone who doesn't benefit from therapy. That might be my fault or it might be their fault or both, but I don't have the strength, physically or mentally to go on with this. Sigh. I just don't see hope. If a therapist doesn't see hope for me then how can I?

 

[Jesse910]

CD:

"Do I need therapy?" "Can I figure out myself by myself?" I've asked myself those questions and others numerous times as I'm sure others have as well. Yes, ideally, if we could treat ourselves for all the things that bother us, that would be ideal. However, in treating ourselves we frequently end up with tunnel vision and deeply embedded in our own worries that we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel because our emotions are like a continual revolving door. Yet, when we allow ourselves to be known by others to the extent that we are able to share portions of ourselves as honest as we can, and have new thoughts enter our minds and space, we are able to see the good within that allows us to heal.

That said, I'm concerned that you are not getting the assistance that you need. I understand that you are shy about seeking help given your recent pass. I know this may not help you see the big picture, but let me tell you more of my story. I started having problems in my early 20's while in college. For 10 years, I was misdiagnosed as severally depressed. I never trusted the shrink I was seeing so no real progress was ever made. The next shrink I had lasted 6-7 years, and I was properly diagnosed as Bipolar. I was using my health insurance and in a reasonably okay plan. Yet, I still did not feel safe. I was very lucky. A very dear friend who had known me since my late teens and always believed that I was bipolar turned me onto a private therapist and that's when my real therapy began. I'm now years since my 20s, and I rely upon a private therapist and my regular doctor to keep me on track. What I'm trying to say is that each one of us has to find our own path of treatment that is right for us. And, we have to speak up about what we need. Secondly, I found it invaluable to learn as much as I could and still can about my illness so that when I see someone new, my goal is to partner with them about what I already know, what has worked in the past, and what I believe I need at this time. If I had one word to share with you, it would be "focus" on what you know you need and not what others believe you need. This is your life, your health, and your time to learn all you can about how to help yourself.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just don't know if therapy is something I can deal with. I just feel so much worse going. I feel like everything I do and say there is manipulative and just me wanting sympathy or something. I'm very confused about the old therapy and what went wrong and terrified I will do the same thing here. I can't focus on what we talk about because of this. I don't know if therapy can help someone like me. I ruminate about everything I say and do and it totally overshadows trying to deal with real issues. I just want out of my misery. I want to not live. I have always wanted that. I don't remember ever not wanting that.

 

[Jesse910]

How about a break for the time being. If you have a really good friend or someone who can be a sounding board for you that could be the cushion you might need. There are good therapists and bad therapists. One size does not fit all.

 

[forgetmenot]

Wanting out of all the madness and pain i understand CD but therapy it can help it can just take it at your pace ok your pace

 

[Cat Dancer]

He admits he's not sure what to do with me, with the eating disorder. I feel like I am hopeless.

 

[rdw]

He admits he's not sure what to do with me, with the eating disorder. I feel like I am hopeless.

All that means is he doesn't know what to do in treating an eating disorder - I don't think it's a reflection on you or on him. It's just that he doesn't know what to do plain and simple. Don't read more into his statement than what is there. Did he tell you that you are hopeless? I don't think so ...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Or that he is trying to decide how best to proceed... it doesn't mean he won't figure it out.