Thinking about ending it all

[SilverRaven]

I have been trying to hold on day after day and I just cant keep doing it...this is my last hope...I don't want to keep causing pain to those I love and i do...they see me suffer everyday and not get better...I am worthless and have no purpose in life...I have no friends and probably never will...I have lost my home and we are struggling so bad to make ends meet...and I can not contibute due to my mental and physical health....I do not want to live anymore I really don't but I don't know what else to do...I have so many ideas and plans but have not done nothing thus far...I have tried several times in the past only the past couple were really intended...the others I guess you could say were a form of self-harm...but now I just feel like I am not needed anymore..I know my family would be greatly hurt by my passing but I fear they suffer far more by my everyday endless suffering...I do not know what to do anymore I am at the end of all rational thought and reason...I do not even really know why I am here except one last shred of hope...I am tired of the arguing tired of not sleeping tired of not wanting to eat..tired of being tired...tired of failing...tired of being hated..etc..etc...

 

[adaptive1]

Please dont give up, it will get better. Despite how it may look to you, your family would not get over it. PLease keep looking for solutions I have felt how you have felt and it was really just a few years ago and now theres just so much I want to do, there are still struggles but it gets better.

Someone else will give you a much better reply than me, take that shread of hope and hold on to it.

 

[SilverRaven]

I have been trying to hold on to it but it is slipping away from me ever so much more with each passing day...for years I had held out hope that it would get better but it hasnt it only seem to get worse.....my family would suffer much and would not get over it I know but they can not go on seeing me like this either...so the only thing I have come up with is isolating in some remote location where nobody could ever find or see me again...but dont see that happening either

 

[Daniel E.]

Do you have health insurance at this time? If not, you may benefit from some low-cost or free mental health counseling services, e.g: 2-1-1 Call Center Search. Catholic Family Services and some university outpatient clinics are some examples.

With suicidal thinking, you would probably benefit from taking a SSRI. Have you been on a SSRI recently?

As you may know, there is also a national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-TALK

I would also recommend going to the library and getting a copy of any book by David Burns, especially the book Feeling Good, which has a chapter on challenging suicidal thinking: "Defeating Hopelessness & Suicide."
Also, there is a free chapter on hopelessness in another book, Beating the Blues: "Nothing Works Out: How to Challenge Your Hopelessness"

I fear they suffer far more by my everyday endless suffering.

Such irrational guilt is a common symptom of depression.

 

[SilverRaven]

No I do not have health care I did before I moved to another state but now I do not qualify...I was taking Seroquel, and Lamictal..dont know what they are other than the seroquel is an antipsychotic...I was on that for my moods and for sleep..and for sleep i was on that plus ambien lunesta amityptylene clonazapam which i took all every night..and on darvocets for fibromyalgia and arthritis along with flexeril so not quite sure what is what really other than a couple pain med and muscle relaxer what is 2 1 1?...I have never heard of it been off all medications for over a year now including the one for my diabetes so I am a real mess...I have been through so much therapy and DBT and all sorts of classes and read so many books i think my brain is on overload of info...I know what needs to be done I guess I just believe I am meant to suffer because every tiime I try to change my thinking process or what I do when I get emotional it always backfires on me...people always told me to stop reading books on mental health because it defeats my purpose...what is that suppose to mean anyways...I have always had suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember but have seldom acted on it...but I feel so wacked out I cant even think rationally anymore..all I think about is that...Its what I dream at night it is what I think about during the day...it is always there now and never leaves..like a shadow following me everywhere

 

[Daniel E.]

I know what needs to be done I guess I just believe I am meant to suffer because every tiime I try to change my thinking process or what I do when I get emotional it always backfires on me...

Can you give an example? What about doing things in "baby steps"?

 

[SilverRaven]

I make a list of things I am good at and things I love to do....I try to do one thing on that list ...but I end up trying to do them all...I cant stick with just one thing ever...just like my house...I start in 0ne room and end up trying to do the whole thing at one time one room to another back to another etc...I dont know what baby steps are...my mind is racing so bad I cant even type with out all the mistakes and ahaving to go back and correct them...my mind is always just spinning and I am so dizzy from it I am going to fall over

 

[Daniel E.]

I dont know what baby steps are...

Breaking stuff down into steps that are small enough so that one feels/realizes that one is progressing rather than failing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You listed a number of medications you said you were on. Are you taking any now?

 

[SilverRaven]

Daniel I think thats what I try to do but like i said I end up going faster and faster until I have so much piled up I give up...like my house ha vent cleaned it in a week....David...no I am not currently on anything with me moving like I did I ended up going cold turkey on all of them when I ran out of refills....so it has been over a year now and no sleep and no peace of mind....it is the longest I have been without them ever....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would suggest that you need to get back on the medications as soon as possible.

See:

• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-medication-assistance-for-the-uninsured.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...free-or-cheaper-prescription-medications.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-ssi/15815-can-t-afford-your-medications.html

 

[SilverRaven]

I would if i could...but with no insurance iacn not afford to pay for thm i have meds left for pain an dthats it....I have been listeniin to eveyron around me telling me I don need them and that they didn no good for me but I knew they workd but right now I just dont think anythig would help it would take months for meds to get built back up.and with no sleep i cant think...i go days with out and then i get a couple hours...I am lost and screwed up i htink beyond any help maybe..i cant stop cryin yet I am told cryin is fo babies so i gues i am a baby..sorry i am a mess and am rambling cant seem to shut up..

---------- Post added at 09:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 PM ----------

ahh see here I have not seen a doctor yet because no insurance so he couldnt help me...sounds so familar..lost our home after five years lost pets because of it had to move away frm my family my mom so misses me my one daugher misses me my otehr says i shouldnt have left and she blames me for no seeing Landon grow uup...she is mad aat me my older son blames me for him being in jail...i ugess it is my fualt...even my 11yr old who didnt want ot move here now does not want to move bakc when i do..so i am screwed no matter whatn i choose to do i cnat make everybody happy

 

[Daniel E.]

It may be a waste of time, but it wouldn't hurt to call the United Way (211) as one way to search for any low-cost psychiatry services in your area. Most people in the U.S. are located near community mental health clinics that often offer sliding-scale fees.

 

[SilverRaven]

oh ok maybe i can make sense of that..im not vry bright...i guess should h ave know what that was..like the 411..i looked up united way last week online and couldnt make heads or tails out of the site..im not very good at computers either..guess just another thing to add to my list..well i think im gonna g o fo a hike up the mountain..its late out shoul be nobody out and abou this time of night ..the stars are out and looks to be a good night for star watching..maybe that is good....besides i think i talk to much..should learn to keep quiet like eveyone says..never know when to shut up..thanks for the talk

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Did you see what i added to my post above?

See:

• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-medication-assistance-for-the-uninsured.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...free-or-cheaper-prescription-medications.html
• http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-ssi/15815-can-t-afford-your-medications.html

 

[SilverRaven]

well walking didnt help none...and yes I did see that but it says you have to have a doctor write you a script?...if i read it right.. ia am not seeing well right now....so pardon my errors...I do not have a doctor anymore since i moved here...i checked into some local programs here and i do not qualify for htose so not sure bu i am will check again tomorow ...just wish i could sleep..maybe that would help some...and eat something but cant do either and i been taking lots of over the counter sleep aids and taht dont work either...i am tired my brain is tired...i just cant think anymore..i thought walking would ease the thoughts but it didnt..now i hurt so bad ..i am goin to check one of the other links you put up

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Oh, yes, of course you're right about that.

 

[SilverRaven]

my husbands income is to high for me to qualify for medicaid so we are all out of insurance...my SSI is based on his income since i didnt have enough work credits....and so I dont get money from them or insurance...if I was back in wisconsin I would be on it regardless.. but i was stupid and idiotic to think moving to another state was a good idea...now i stuck here with no help at all and bill piliing up all over medical bills over five thousand here jsut because of an accident ....grrrrrr i am agitated beyond agitated....nothing i do seems to be the right choice....nothing i do is every good enough for anyone.....aaaaarrrrghhhhhgggggrrrrr.. I HATE it here....and i am really starting to loath myself even more for thinking i can do anything right...and I have been hiding my feelings for a year now and I jsut cant do it anymore...I would just love to ....grrrrr never mind i am going way off base...I see no hope...not unless I can get back home...and by the looks of that iam stuck here another god awful year...

---------- Post added October 26th, 2010 at 04:11 PM ---------- Previous post was October 25th, 2010 at 11:23 PM ----------

I got to thinking today...you asked if I was taking anything now does that include over the counter?..cause I take a bunch of sleep aids I get at walmart to try and get sleep...I go through a bottle of 100 every three days to maybe two weeks depending on how many I take at once...they get me at least two maybe three hours sleep max...but have been trying to avoid them due to the fact I adjust very quickly to meds and I end up taking more and more one reason I have over 100 or so pain pills left to...they dont work so why take them right?...at least thats my thinking...well dont know if this was including over the counter or not thought I would ask anyways..

 

[Daniel E.]

.I go through a bottle of 100 every three days to maybe two weeks depending on how many I take at once...

Certainly, taking that much of anything in 3 days would be an overdose.

If your husband can afford cable TV and DSL or other amenities like that, you should be able to afford to see a doctor at a sliding-scale rate.

 

[Cat Dancer]

You're taking 100 sleeping aids in three days and it doesn't affect you?

That seems like a bad idea to me.