Thoughts welcome (please be gentle though)

[braveheart]

I have been officially dx as suffering from depression, with complications-i.e. traits of some of the personality disorders & PTSD.

Some of the PD's I personally relate to are- Borderline, Avoidant, and Schizotypal.

One thing I am intellectually (and emotionally) curious about is how Borderline PD does or does not fit into my relationships.
:
I admit to splitting and other Borderline defences, and accept their origins and roots. (separation anxiety, dissociation, depersonalisation...)

HOWEVER
I have never had sex or a sexual relationship.
I am a 35 year old woman.
I have never even ever had man/boy friends.
I am not a lesbian to my knowledge, either.
I am quite simply scared of men. And physical closeness in general, unless it be of a maternal/parental nature.

I do have sexual fantasies though.

But, Borderline PD states about promiscuity etc, and that is DEFINITELY something that never applies to me.

*apologies for the dx identity crisis, its time I just accepted that I'm a mix of lots of em and not worry myself....however, as I say, I am curious....)*

bh

 

[braveheart]

I have been officially dx as suffering from depression, with complications-i.e. traits of some of the personality disorders & PTSD.

Some of the PD's I personally relate to are- Borderline, Avoidant, and Schizotypal.

One thing I am intellectually (and emotionally) curious about is how Borderline PD does or does not fit into my relationships.
:
I admit to splitting and other Borderline defences, and accept their origins and roots. (separation anxiety, dissociation, depersonalisation...)

HOWEVER
I have never had sex or a sexual relationship.
I am a 35 year old woman.
I have never even ever had man/boy friends.
I am not a lesbian to my knowledge, either.
I am quite simply scared of men. And physical closeness in general, unless it be of a maternal/parental nature.

I do have sexual fantasies though.

But, Borderline PD states about promiscuity etc, and that is DEFINITELY something that never applies to me.

*apologies for the dx identity crisis, its time I just accepted that I'm a mix of lots of em and not worry myself....however, as I say, I am curious....)*

bh

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure what "I can relate to" means here... have you been diagnosed with a specific personality disorder(s) and if so by whom?

It's usually a bad idea to try to diagnose yourself, even for a professional, because you can't have the necessary detachment and objectivity to do it accurately. Although the list of criteria in DSM-IV makes it look as though it should be straightforward, the process of "differential diagnosis" is something that requires training and experience -- believe me, it's more than just going down the list of criteria -- doing that could probably diagnose most people with multiple disorders.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure what "I can relate to" means here... have you been diagnosed with a specific personality disorder(s) and if so by whom?

It's usually a bad idea to try to diagnose yourself, even for a professional, because you can't have the necessary detachment and objectivity to do it accurately. Although the list of criteria in DSM-IV makes it look as though it should be straightforward, the process of "differential diagnosis" is something that requires training and experience -- believe me, it's more than just going down the list of criteria -- doing that could probably diagnose most people with multiple disorders.

 

[braveheart]

My GP has dx me with depression, she said we could make it more complicated, but there is no need really to do that, as depression covers everything.

My psychotherapist, whom I see 3 times a week, and is analytic-object relations/integrative (body process) based (trained at Chiron Centre in London) has never given me a *label*, any mention of Borderline PD has come from me.
It is clear that I have a tendency to Borderline traits, at the Schizoid and Oral stage end rather than the Narcissistic end...and my therapist is working on those aspects of me with me, understanding through expressing and becoming conscious.
She identifies my Borderlineness, but has said that only part of me is unwell in that way-that part of me can cope and is healthy. She is right.

I appreciate it that she doesn't *label* me, I have had so many negative labels in my life through having been a victim of school bullying for 10 years, age 7 to 17. Also, when I was a child and unable to contain difficult emotions, my father threatened to send me away to a home for 'bad children', or to have me put in a strait jacket. Once he did actually strap me to my bed though.

That is one of the reasons why I am able to hold onto myself precariously when I might otherwise fall apart emotionally. I am terrified of ever having to see a psychiatrist, or even of having to go to hospital, because of what my father threatened me with(and never carried out, but which hung over me like a cloud).
Sometimes I am so close to falling 'over the edge'--feelings of falling apart, having mild 'ideas of reference', paranoia, acute physical and emotional sensitivity, feeling that I might be annihilated if noone comes to comfort me in my distress....
.....but I have the strength to hold out....because of my terror of what a psychiatrist might do to me.
So I have never seen a psychiatrist (not even when I was a child and sorely needed one) nor been in a psychiatric ward.

As to self harm, I have never c*t, only ever caused bruising to my arms.
As my therapist has said, that is symbolic of a much deeper psychological bruising inside.
(feeling teary)

I don't necessarily want a *label* but I feel I need a word to compassionately contain what is 'wrong' with me without judging me or putting me 'in a box'.

The wide stereotype of people with Borderline PD is that they are people with a history of many failed and stormy sexual relationships and who self harm and regularly turn up at A and E with their injuries, and are then badly treated by medical staff.

Am I right?

Don't medical professionals want to steer away from Borderlines?

I am not the stereotypical Borderline, as I've described above. Except in its original meaning of Borderline Psychotic.

Sometimes life terrifies me, it hurts sometimes to be alive, to be near people, when every glance and brush with unknown people can feel like a total violation of my spirit, a hurt coursing through my being, scraping my already raw emotional-skin searingly.

I need some help sorting this all out in my head and feelings, my therapist is away at the moment. I have noone to talk to. I want to cry. I just need to unload all this and be really heard and 'seen'. Please.

 

[braveheart]

My GP has dx me with depression, she said we could make it more complicated, but there is no need really to do that, as depression covers everything.

My psychotherapist, whom I see 3 times a week, and is analytic-object relations/integrative (body process) based (trained at Chiron Centre in London) has never given me a *label*, any mention of Borderline PD has come from me.
It is clear that I have a tendency to Borderline traits, at the Schizoid and Oral stage end rather than the Narcissistic end...and my therapist is working on those aspects of me with me, understanding through expressing and becoming conscious.
She identifies my Borderlineness, but has said that only part of me is unwell in that way-that part of me can cope and is healthy. She is right.

I appreciate it that she doesn't *label* me, I have had so many negative labels in my life through having been a victim of school bullying for 10 years, age 7 to 17. Also, when I was a child and unable to contain difficult emotions, my father threatened to send me away to a home for 'bad children', or to have me put in a strait jacket. Once he did actually strap me to my bed though.

That is one of the reasons why I am able to hold onto myself precariously when I might otherwise fall apart emotionally. I am terrified of ever having to see a psychiatrist, or even of having to go to hospital, because of what my father threatened me with(and never carried out, but which hung over me like a cloud).
Sometimes I am so close to falling 'over the edge'--feelings of falling apart, having mild 'ideas of reference', paranoia, acute physical and emotional sensitivity, feeling that I might be annihilated if noone comes to comfort me in my distress....
.....but I have the strength to hold out....because of my terror of what a psychiatrist might do to me.
So I have never seen a psychiatrist (not even when I was a child and sorely needed one) nor been in a psychiatric ward.

As to self harm, I have never c*t, only ever caused bruising to my arms.
As my therapist has said, that is symbolic of a much deeper psychological bruising inside.
(feeling teary)

I don't necessarily want a *label* but I feel I need a word to compassionately contain what is 'wrong' with me without judging me or putting me 'in a box'.

The wide stereotype of people with Borderline PD is that they are people with a history of many failed and stormy sexual relationships and who self harm and regularly turn up at A and E with their injuries, and are then badly treated by medical staff.

Am I right?

Don't medical professionals want to steer away from Borderlines?

I am not the stereotypical Borderline, as I've described above. Except in its original meaning of Borderline Psychotic.

Sometimes life terrifies me, it hurts sometimes to be alive, to be near people, when every glance and brush with unknown people can feel like a total violation of my spirit, a hurt coursing through my being, scraping my already raw emotional-skin searingly.

I need some help sorting this all out in my head and feelings, my therapist is away at the moment. I have noone to talk to. I want to cry. I just need to unload all this and be really heard and 'seen'. Please.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know enough about you or your history to say whether you do or do not meet the criteria for borderline personlity disorder -- what you describe here could mean many things. For the most part, I think the fact that your therapist seems disinterested in labeling you is a good thing. The diagnosis of depression is sufficient to treat the depressive symptoms and your therapist seems to be dealing with other significant issues in your life. I'm not sure a diagnostic label beyond that would be very much help to you. And when it comes to personlaity disorders, it is possible to show a mixed bag of symptoms that overlap two or more diagnoses.

That said, I do encourage you to vent/unload/talk about whatever is on your mind.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know enough about you or your history to say whether you do or do not meet the criteria for borderline personlity disorder -- what you describe here could mean many things. For the most part, I think the fact that your therapist seems disinterested in labeling you is a good thing. The diagnosis of depression is sufficient to treat the depressive symptoms and your therapist seems to be dealing with other significant issues in your life. I'm not sure a diagnostic label beyond that would be very much help to you. And when it comes to personlaity disorders, it is possible to show a mixed bag of symptoms that overlap two or more diagnoses.

That said, I do encourage you to vent/unload/talk about whatever is on your mind.