Tired and can't sleep

[Cat Dancer]

Well, actually I don't want to sleep. Why can't I just choose one area of my life to take care of and actually do it, like eat right or try to make my sleeping better or stop hurting myself? Instead I seem to just be punishing and self-destructive. But maybe that's the whole point? I want to punish myself. How do I STOP wanting to do that? I want to stop wanting that. I keep saying that, but I'm not working toward it, or if I am, it is SO slow. SOOO slow. I can't/won't give up though. I just won't. I'm too stubborn. I wish I could use being stubborn to make myself stop these things.

I don't know what I'm even talking about. It's been a day I wish I could do over and I'm tired and regretful and it's gone. So I have to say to myself, keep going, keep trying and GET SOME SLEEP. LOL.

 

[Halo]

It's been a day I wish I could do over

That's the thing Janet, you can never do any day over again but you can look forward to the next one in the hopes of a better day to come.

Take care and try to get some sleep so a better bright day can come tomorrow.
:hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, Nancy. Hee hee. I like your saying. It is true. Today is the day, or this moment is the moment to live in, since it's night. LOL.

I know what you mean by it being hard. It is hard. I tell myself "OLd past, let go of me," or "OUT, damn spot." Or something. LOL. I want to live in the moment. Thanks for your post.

 

[Halo]

Janet, as you will see I have edited my post above to take out the favorite saying part because I just wasn't sure that it was appropriate to leave in the post (being 2 a.m. my judgment is slightly off ). I am glad that you liked it and that you got a chance to see it before I took it out and understood what I was saying

Live for Today was the meaning behind my post

 

[texasgirl]

Well yall, if it's any consolation, I am up in the middle of the night and can't sleep. But the best part is that I didn't even catch that there was something missing from your post!

Oh well, carpe nocte (please forgive my crummy latin).

Janet, I hope tomorrow is better for you - Take care!

TG

 

[Cat Dancer]

Agh. Looks like we all had a long night. :hug:

I hope today and tonight are better.

Thanks, texasgirl. I hope you sleep better tonight.

Nancy, LOL.

Live for today sums it up.

 

[Into The Light]

the thing about everything we do, all our habits, is that there is some kind of benefit or reward. without this, we wouldn't have these habits. i think this is why you don't want to stop, janet, because you are getting some sort of reward for punishing yourself. you know it's not good which is why you want to want to stop, but for now the "benefit" of doing it is outweighing any benefit of not doing it.

to change our habits we need to have some sort of immediate reward. the habit needs to be replaced by a different, healthier habit, and this different habit needs to be as rewarding, or more rewarding, than the current habit you are trying to change.

so i guess what i am trying to say is, try to figure out what it is that punishing yourself gives you, and then try to figure out how a different habit could help you instead. i hope this makes sense.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Good point. I think the reward is the instant relief from the anxiety. But it doesn't last at all and sometimes there is no relief, but it's what I know and until I can develop some constant coping skills that are healthier I seem stuck. Or if I don't do it one day, the self-punishing, skip a day, then the next time has to be twice as bad or three times as bad to make up for it. And I've tried so, so, so many things over the years to replace it and so far I haven't given it up. It's like a friend, but a monster at the same time. I guess it sounds strange.

 

[Into The Light]

for me, i find that when i get anxious, a few things help (depending on what is making me anxious). if i am just anxious for no clear reason, exercise helps. to go for a jog helps work off that negative energy. if there's a problem that is making me anxious, what usually helps me is to sit down, write it out, and come up with possible solutions to the situation. or, doing a CBT mood log helps as well to reduce my anxiety. sometimes i don't feel like doing any of these things and prefer to stay stuck in how i am feeling, because of the perceived "work" that these options seem to be. that's when i need to just really make an effort and try anyway. i admit i don't always do this but when i do, it does help. the payoff for doing this anyway is that i do feel better. maybe you could try some of these the next time you need to relieve anxiety? you say the SI doesn't always work, but for my all these techniques always seem to help.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it's more than anxiety in a way. I think if I hurt myself enough I can keep the people I care about safe and if I don't hurt myself enough then something bad will happen to them. IF something bad happens, then it's because I was too easy on myself. If nothing bad happens, then I know I"m doing the right thing.

I think this is why the normal things one would do don't really work for me. The thought is so strong that something bad WILL happen, that I get overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear.

I KNOW this is distortedish thinking, but to me it is very real and there is very real fear and terror behind these thoughts. It's a terrifying balancing act.

So while it may sometimes serve to relieve anxiety, mostly it's a horrifying, magical way to have some control in my life, or THINK I have some control.

I'm not sure if this even makes any sense.

 

[Halo]

Janet,

Actually I think you are making perfect sense. I think I understand what you are saying which is that if you take all the hurt and pain (by hurting yourself) for everyone then nothing bad will happen to the ones that you love and if something bad does happen to your loved ones then you are not doing something right or hurting yourself enough. You would rather hurt yourself and cause yourself pain then to see your loved ones in pain.

I totally understand that however yes I think that it is definitely a distorted thought. How can you control whether bad things are going to happen to others? If you self harm or not and to the degree that you do will make no difference on whether bad things happen around you. Bad things happen to everybody everyday and most of the time they probably have nothing to do with you other than they happen to be people that you care about. You have no control over those things although you may think you have control and therefore need to self harm. I can definitely understand what you are saying and how it feels so real to you but those thoughts are probably what you obsess about and that is part of the OCD.

You will work through this Janet, I know you will :hug:

Take care
:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I hope I can work through this. It seems it goes around and around and I end up right back at the start of it so confused.

It IS tormenting.

 

[Into The Light]

there are some things in life we have control over and other things we don't. we all have a need to have a sense of control. i know when i felt like i had no control over anything it was very difficult for me, because it caused a sense of hopelessness.

i think you probably have to learn to differentiate between what you can and what you can't control. i know that's not easy, particularly because those feelings you have are so incredibly powerful. but as nancy says, your self-harming cannot change what happens to other people, good or bad. it is indeed magical thinking.

 

[Cat Dancer]

i think you probably have to learn to differentiate between what you can and what you can't control. i know that's not easy, particularly because those feelings you have are so incredibly powerful. but as nancy says, your self-harming cannot change what happens to other people, good or bad. it is indeed magical thinking.

Sometimes I realize this. I was trying to explain something to my husband today about something bad that happened, how it was my fault. Normally, he agrees with me, but today he said, "Do you even realize how ridiculous that sounds?"

I KNOW logically, but it FEELS so real. I guess feelings are fickle and fool us sometimes. It's going to be a constant struggle.

I did get something today to help me sleep, so maybe my mind can rest some.

 

[Halo]

It's going to be a constant struggle

I don't necessarily think that it is going to be a constant struggle but I do think that it is going to take some hard work in therapy to learn to challenge those distorted thoughts and feelings but I definitely think that it can be done and it will not be a lifelong struggle. Patience, hard work and time are the keys.

I believe that it will happen Janet, I truly do

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

I KNOW logically, but it FEELS so real.

when you look at the ten twisted forms of thinking, this falls under the category of emotional reasoning. i think many of us fall for this one quite easily. but try to remember, just because you feel something, doesn't mean that it's true.

my therapist had this sign up in his office that i found curious the first time i saw it, but since then have learned to really appreciate. it said: "don't believe everything you think."

i think that one should go under quotable quotes

 

[Cat Dancer]

my therapist had this sign up in his office that i found curious the first time i saw it, but since then have learned to really appreciate. it said: "don't believe everything you think."

i think that one should go under quotable quotes

That is a good thing to remember. I am going too fast I think or wanting to go too fast and getting all mixed up about the thoughts and feelings and being SO SO angry at myself for not getting all of this right. Not understanding things.

I am still struggling with sleep issues. I don't want to sleep because I'm having flashbacks as I'm falling asleep and then I startle awake not knowing where I'm at and feeling so anxious and sick inside. So I'm avoiding sleeping as much as I can.

But I think it's really causing a lot of harm to me because I feel so foggy and disoriented. And it all just goes around and around like some crazy merry-go-round you can't get off of.

 

[Into The Light]

janet, are you taking any medication to help you sleep? the medication i was given worked really well for me, in fact, what i would do sometimes is take it and stay up, and very often i'd hit a point where i could barely keep my eyes open. you could try that and then as soon as you lie down you're off to sleep. i also found that i didn't remember my dreams as it was such a deep sleep. just a thought. :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Yes, I take an anti-anxiety medication right before bedtime and another medication for sleep and they just don't seem to be helping. I am having trouble falling asleep again and also waking up in the night.

 

[Into The Light]

maybe you should talk to your doctor about that. maybe he can prescribe something else that works better for you.