Tired and sick

[Ashley-Kate]

I have spent over 14 years of my life with an eating disorder. There comes a point in time were you think enough is enough. But of course that never lasts long..

I am a bit overwhelmed lately. Recently my psychologist had me reflect on some kind of ultimatum of continuing therapy with him or continuing to see my fathe - the two don't go together according to him and therefore for me to get better and to be in therapy and it be productive I have to put an end to my relationship with my father.

I am confused and terrified although I know he is correct and i realize as long as I still communicate with my father I will struggle, yet at the same time he is my father - I love him and I love his children. I find it difficult to simply not talk to them. I find it also frustrating to think that my psychologist didn't seem to understand how his suggestion is not that easy to do.

I spent most of the week consumed by my eating disorder thinking about nothing but the calories i eat and the calories I don't and how to get rid of everything. On top of that i am not allowed to do any exercise at the moment because of a rib fracture so now I am simply gone in the eating disorder. I am sick of it and I wish I could simply scream SHUT UP to my head but I can't and I am so tired.

I am scared because I don't know what to do anymore to get better to not relapse and I am just completely exhausted of trying to get better doing efforts and then relapsing once again. I know many have had an eating disorder longer than I have but at the same time I simply don't get how I can do it. I was never really a kid cause I had an eating disorder and I was in the hospital and then I was never a teenager because then again I was in the hospital with an eating disorder. And now as an adult i spend most of my time in programs for eating disorders.

Can people get better really after all these years? I know i sound pessimistic but well what can I say - I am .

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ashley, did your psychologist really tell you you have to choose between seeing your father and continuing in therapy with him/her? That seems like an odd and rather insensitive demand to make. Are you certain you didn't misunderstand?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I actually called him back the day after to know if that is what he meant and he explained that for us to have any progress i would have to consider not seeing my father as part of the agreements we have to be in therapy kind of like the ones that i don't try to kill myself and others.. so basically i understand what he is saying in the sense that a month ago i went to my fathers and since well he has been more in a kind of how to say it in english "intervention de crise" rather than in therapy. So i get why he wants me to not talk to him anymore i just well basically my reflex was like you will not control me **** it i am going to my dad's and well my boyfriend helped me think things through , i just find it unfair that well no matter how much of an idiot my father is he is my father.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

OK. But he is not saying that if you don't stop seeing your father he will not continue to offer you therapy, correct? He is just saying that he thinks you won't really make progress in therapy unless you do stop seeing your father? Is that correct?

 

[forgetmenot]

Perhaps your therapist is wanting you to focus more on the therapy and not on what your father is saying Therapist needs your total attention so you can hear him and understand without outside interferance i think To your question can people get better after many years YES they can and they do hun I do hope you too will soon find a way back to a healthy lifestyle one that promotes good coping skills hun there is always hope ok always

 

[Ashley-Kate]

partially he told me all this while disgussig about the futur of the therapy i am in with him, every couple of month we evaluate everythign and he feels that if i continue seeing my father i won't get better. so no he is not sayig he will stop seeing me he is simply saying that maybe it is not the time for me to be in therapy if i can't stop seeing my father. he was considering stoping the therapy and waiting for me to stop beeing in communication with my father. I am terrified we re goign to talk mmore about it on tuesday but since well i have been extremly destructive in terms of eatign disorder and other behaviors i am mad because i feel he is giving up yet they get all confused and mad when i am suicidal and want to give up it is infuriating because why is everyone aloud to give up but not me.

 

[forgetmenot]

But you therapist is not wanting to give up on you hun your therapist is wanting you to make a decision to work with him ok

Take some time away from your father and work with your therapist to get well.
I know when i become unstable and suicidal my therapist doesn't want to get too deep into the issues because it makes me worse so we back off some.
I hope you chose to listen to your therapist and to work with him ok just give therapist this time to helpl you

 

[Dancewrite19]

I've been there, Ashley. At 5'8", I was once {very ill}. It all looked bleak for me, and I almost gave in. I got better and it started with one question... Do I have any more time to waste in this life? I went to a performing arts college for ballet, and I was too sick to dance. Was I ready to look back years from now with regret and say that if I wasn't so stubborn, those years wouldn't have been wasted. Then I had to ask myself, "Was I keeping myself from a career I wasn't sure I wanted in the first place? Why was I a ballerina? Was it what I wanted?" I stopped being thin for other people and their expectations. I now maintain a healthy weight and teach dance part-time and write full time. I stopped getting caught up in the disease and realized I wasn't in charge of my life anymore. I chose to live again.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I wish it was only about being thin for everyone and it could simply stop wanting to be thin but in the end it's not about my weight it's about feeling heavy and i can't fix that feeling and and the only thing that helps me to feel less heavy less huge is losing weight and i realie i am not really feeling heavy because of my weight but more beecause of everything in my life and every little probleme in my life is like even more weight on top of me.. I just wish i didn't see it that way.. I am simply at a loss

 

[Dancewrite19]

Dear Ashley Kate,

The biggest issue with you seem to have is associating the weight of a problem in your life with your physical weight. I think you see this, but I think what you're missing is that losing weight is now your biggest problem. Taking weight off your body has become the main source of unhappiness and obsession in your life. When you preoccupy yourself with dieting, you don't have to look at what's really wrong in your world. Am I correct?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

very much so and it is something i am well aware of its an illusion that i am well aware of and that i have tried to get away from although i am well aware that losing weight dose not take away the weight of pain yet the feelign is still there i now its all in my head yet it seems to be the only thing i have

 

[Dancewrite19]

Ashley-Kate,
I have completely been where you are right now. I love the fact that you can recognize where you are by telling me, "It's all I know." I had the same feelinga. I almost forgot why I was losing weight in the first place. I think you might be ready to face some issues that are troubling you, Ashley-Kate. This is great news! It's when you realize it's time to see what's eating you, and not what you're eating. this is so cool!

 

[Ashley-Kate]

well this summer is probably the worst summer of my life, 2 months go i broke 2 ribs while drunk and was informed then that my bones are very brittle do to the eating disorder. i was also told not to do any physical activity because i needed to wait until i was completly healed. Finaly after 6 weeks or so i finally feel better i decided wednesday to start being active again i decided to go rollerblading, not more than 30 minutes later i fell ended up seriously hurt waited a bit before going to the emergency room with my boyfriend only to find out after xrays that my arm is broken and so is my wrist i will have a cast for about 6 weeks they are not sure how severe the brake is i go back in a week for more x-rays... i realise that i only have myself to blame for the brittle bones yet i simply feel even more depressed my eating disoder is even worst because i simply dont see the point in getting better my body is already pretty much screwed... i cant do exercise again for another 6 weeks this really sucks. my anorexia is back full force.. i see my psychologist tuesday i have not seen him since i broke my arm yet i left a message to informe him.. i am simply very depressed at the moment . Its frutrating trying to get better when it just seems pointless. why get better when a lot of the damage is already done.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Sorry about your broken arm. Can you discuss this with your gp maybe some options for treatment for your bones? Did they say the damage was irreversible? Some of it might be able to be stopped if you can deal with your eating disorders now.