Tired of being depressed & tired - just venting

[Crazy Cat]

I've suffered from depression, seems, my whole life but lately I've felt the worst. I also have BPD & ADD. So where does that leave me? Depressed, sad, can't finish anything or concentrate on anything and I've basically alienated just about everyone I know.

Lately all I want to do is sleep/escape, but I lie awake thinking of all the things that are not getting done around the house. I have absolutely no energy and feel like I'm eating every waking moment out of boredom.

My marriage is a joke and I want to divorce my husband but don't have the money to live someplace else. I have 12 cats, so its not like I can just go rent any apartment - and I won't "get rid" of them. They have been my saving graces for many years and when I adopted them I promised them a "forever home". Plus, I'd never do something like that because of or for another person.

Adding to this is that several of my cats are getting older and starting to show signs of age-related illnesses. The anniversary of my mom's death is coming up next month and our family home is about to be sold. So I kindof feel like "whats the point?" I'm 3 years clean of an opiate addiction but lately all I want to do is go back. Fortunately (or unfortunately for me) its now harder to get the opiates and more expensive.

I'm on disability for my mental issues which means I'm home all the time. Out of 7 brothers & sisters only 3 talk to me, but only one on a regular basis. And I'm getting feelings that I'm not good enough for her anymore. When I had money and traveled, etc, I was a great companion. She and I would take husband-less vacations together all the time - alot of the times with me paying for EVERYTHING...airfare, meals, hotels, etc, and I'm not talking about cheap amenities either. But now she goes with her friends from work and doesn't even tell me she's going.

I guess I'm posting here just to vent. I know all the answers I'll hear....go to a therapist/psychiatrist (which I can't afford right now - they charge no less than $120 and up for 40 minute sessions). I'd only be able to go once or maybe twice a month but whats the point in that?

I just needed to vent. Sorry. :hopeless:

Adriane

 

[Andy]

Don't apologize. A good vent is always needed. I do it much to often.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. I know you said you couldn't afford therapy. I'm not sure if they do a sliding scale fee in the US or not. Here you pay a percentage of your income or whatever determined fee is discussed. You being on disability would make it very cheap. That is if they do that. I'm completely ignorant to American health care, all I know about it is that it apparently sucks and a lot of people can't get on it. (?)

Sorry if this suggestion was not useful. I hope things turn around. TC

 

[Daniel E.]

And they do have sliding scales in the U.S. The United Way (2-1-1) is one way of finding such places.

Some examples:

If you can’t afford therapy, check with the local university psychology or psychiatry department. Sometimes you can get free or very inexpensive help from a clinic. The medical or graduate students who work with you are supervised by a licensed professional. In addition, community mental health centers usually have sliding scales or reduced fees for people who cannot afford treatment.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...-of-your-employee-mental-health-benefits.html

 

[Crazy Cat]

Thanks for the advice. The therapists & doctors I've called do not offer sliding scales. Actually, thats not true....the ones who offer sliding scales (at least in this area) are the just-out-of-school people who are totally textbook psycho-babble. You know, the whole "you hate your mother & want to marry your father" types. Trust me, I've gone to all different types of therapists/doctors.

"Pray and you'll feel better"...."What color are you on the scale today? Get out of the "black" and into the colors"", etc. One even refused to talk to me until I took my opiates (when I was using them). She said I was too emotional without them. And believe it or not, she's a representative for a drug/alcohol treatment program!

And these people ran anywhere from $100 a session to $350 a session! Sessions here are 40-45 minutes tops.

I don't have insurance and with my disability status I won't be eligible for medical coverage (Medicare) for another year. I've tried to explain my situation to many therapists and ask if I can get even a 30 minute session cheaper. Not one would agree, much less to a sliding scale. Or they hear "Borderline Personality Disorder", tell me that they've never heard anyone admit to having it and don't treat it anyway.

It probably sounds like I'm being negative, which I am, yes. But its also very true. Not only are the States not regulated on fees, but I live in one of the most expensive areas in the country. (northern NJ in the NY/Tri-State region).

 

[Andy]

I can understand not wanting to go to the fresh out of school people. lol I have heard some interesting ideas in getting better as well. A lot of them may work for some people but that's not my personal preference either.
You definitely don't want to be paying someone to encourage you to abuse Rx pills. Again, you know more about your health care than I do. Is there a mental health service where you can phone and ask about seeing someone who offers low rates and is a more mature therapist? Have them point you in the right direction?
As far as the BPD, I'm not sure this is a good thing to say, so hopefully someone will correct me, lol I wouldn't bother mentioning it. I mean you can say symptoms for example anger issues,depression, relationship issues whatever. I just think that if your going to be limited in who you can find and then you finally find one and they have their mind made up on BPD, then it would be a shame to have to start over looking. This isn't exactly honest but it's a way to get around the label and all that comes with it.

 

[Daniel E.]

For borderline personality disorder, have you tried DBT skills training groups? They are supposedly not like conventional group therapy but more like classes.

Personally, I am a big fan of DBT and bought all of the Marsha Linehan videos for $10 each as part of the VHS sale by Behavioral Tech, the non-profit company she founded.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, what about applying for Medicare/Medicaid if you haven't already? I know you mentioned your reluctance to do so before.