More threads by DemonDaisy

Hi. I just wanted to vent. I feel like a whiny jerk even writing this because I know that I am the cause of most of my problems and generally a lot of other peoples. The thing is I am sad right now. I have a bit of a problem. You see, I have an anger problem. I am not normally physically agressive towards others, but tend to take the physical part out on myself, but it is under my control for the most part, so I don't really hurt myself very bad. I calculate it. I tend to scar and bruise easy though so it sometimes looks like I hurt myself bad, when really I didn't. However, I have stopped taking it out on myself because my friend really got upset over it and threatened to hurt themself everytime they found out I had hurt myself. Like I said, that part I had under control, so I had the ability to quit doing it. I haven't done that in awhile because of my friend and also because I was getting tired of having to hide the bruises, scratches, and bite marks, and tired of looking at the scars. The thing is I didn't have to do it, but it was just something that helped me release my anger and frustration and honestly, I think sometimes I did it almost as a self punishment. It wasn't something I had to do, but something I chose to do. However, there are other things that haven't been so easy to quit. Sometimes I do have angry outbursts, but many times I just seem very cold and calculating and cruel. I nag people. I really do pick at them and I don't know why. While I don't have the angry outbursts like most people describe, I do sometimes have them on a smaller scale. Sometimes I just go off when I feel like this, but I don't physically assult the other person. Other times, if I am alone (or sometimes when I'm not alone, I'll go somewhere to be alone) I sit on the floor and just try to sit it out while I rock back and forth, and the rage builds and I feel like I am going to pop a vessel in my head. Sometimes, during these rocking spells I will pound the floor or something for awhile to release some of my anger. I don't even always know why I feel this way. Anyways, this isn't the point. The point is, I mean the main problem is, I am mean. I think I do have an anger problem somewhat since I do get mad easier than a lot of people and am really easy to get irritated and snap at people, but on top of that I am just plain mean sometimes and I don't know how else to say it. I am not even sure if being a meanie is considered an anger management problem. I am usually the worst to people that I love the most. I don't want to hurt them, but I do. I make them miserable and I make myself miserable too. I say I will stop, but I never do. I don't even understand why I behave this way. I know that sounds like a load of bull crap, but it's true. I don't know why I do it. I am even mean to people that I love when they are sick or dieing. Sometimes I stop being mad and just go numb, but I still don't stop picking away. Sometimes they will apologize, but I go right on. And I don't know why I don't stop. It's so stupid. When I am in an argument, I will say the absolute cruelest thing that I can think of. I will actually use stuff I know about people against them. After I say it I regret it, but I will do it again. I wish I knew why I am this way and I wish that I could stop. I suppose I can stop. I am a bad person and I am chasing everyone away from me. I am known basically as a well I don't think I can curse here, so let's just say the "B" word. I am also known as the "A" word. And the "M" word- Meanie. I have been told by family that- 1. You are the worst problem I have ever had in my life! 2. You only care about yourself! (heard this a lot) 3. You can be such an a*****e sometimes! (okay so that one doesn't sound so bad, but the thing is this person was responding not out of anger, but out of hurt because I had just jumped them) 4. You are so mean that the devil (they also once said "something" instead of the devil, but meaning some sort of monster I guess) is liable to carry you off! (heard this more than a couple times) 5. You are so mean to so and so (someone I love) that when they die you'll probably see them (meaning be haunted by them, not because they are checking on me or anything but be haunted by visions of them so I will feel guilty and scared. I heard this more than once, but it was about the same person)! 6. I have been called "the devil" 7. and the devil's daughter 8. I think I have been called hard hearted a couple times as well as compared to the meanest people in our family's history that could be thought of. 9. I have been called "meanie" as a term of endearment more than once. Even when people are being sweet to me, they'll say stuff like, I love you meanie. Or pat me and say that's my little mean baby. 10. When people aren't mad at me, they will often make jokes about how mean I am. I know they are just joking and it is good that they can be so forgiving of me, that they actually joke about it later, but it hurts sometimes because I know this is really who I am in their head- a mean, abrasive, "B" word! 11. A person who used to try and convince me that I was a good person deep down has changed their mind. I finally made them see me for the monster I am. 12. I have had people tell me that I am actually mean or that I am so mean. All of this is from people that love me. They have to love me or they wouldn't put up with the crap I put em through. I feel like such an awful person. I know I can control myself better than I do, but why would I even do these things to start with? I don't understand. When I do have an argument, when I apologize, I will often shift part of the blame to the other person during my apology. Such as I am sorry for this and this and I know I shouldn't have done such and such, but you shouldn't have done this or I did this because I was upset when you did that. Also, I will actually jump on to people sometimes when they are trying to tell me that I have hurt them. I don't know how to handle it so I attack. How stupid is that?! To make matters worse, and as selfish as it is, this is what is bothering me right now- when I feel like an argument actually isn't my fault, and even sometimes when I feel like not only was it not my fault, but I actually didn't fly off the handle even when the other person started jumping on to me, and I remained nice, they still blame it on me! They say it was either all my fault or part my fault (often I am partly to blame or I react way too harshly after they start the fight, or I keep it going), but there have been ocassions where it wasn't my fault at all in my opinion and sometimes I have even been nice after they started fighting with me, or at least pretty calm considering. Other times, I am part ot blame, but certainly not to blame completely. Yet I get blamed so often. Somewtimes they will say I did something before the fight that provoked it immediatley afterwords. Other times they say it is because I am such a B word all the time that they get tired of it and finally explode when I say something small (sometimes I do do say a little something but nothing to deserve the outburst) or because I say something that comes out sounding like I mean it bad or strikes them as a hateful tone, even though sometimes I really meant nothing negative and it just gets misunderstood or it strikes them as being said in a hateful tone, when it was not intended as such. They don't ask how I meant it or did I mean to sound hateful. They just react. I guess they are just so used to me being verbally agressive and hateful that they assume and they just go off. So one way or the other I caused it. I either did something and provoked their anger before the fight or it is because I am such a bad person in general and badger them so much that it leads to their verbal attacks on me. I push them to it. I guess I deserve it. I guess I deserve worse.....but it does bother me. Sometimes in these cases when I try to explain that nothing bad was meant and I try to apologize, they won't accept it for a long time. *sighs* I know I deserve worse than this and have no right to whine. Yet it bothers me. It makes me feel like I am- in their eyes- always the wrong one. Always the bad guy. Always the problem. I cause everything. I will admit I cause most of it, but I don't think I cause it all. I am so mean though that sometimes I start to believe that maybe I really do cause it all in some way. Also, it bothers me because it seems like even when I am being good, I fail somehow. Makes me wonder what's the point. Yet, really I am so mean to my loved ones most of the time, that I deserve it when they are mean to me. I know I repeated myself, I know I also left a lot out, I probably worded stuff weird or just plain wrong and will be misunderstood because of that or because of stuff that was left out, and I know that I rambled and that this didn't really flow fluidly in one direction- it skipped around, but I am going to send it as is because I am tired and sick and hungry (getting ready to eat) and I want to post about something else. I will try to clarify stuff later if it gets misunderstood. Thanks for reading and responding.


Welcome DemonDaisy,

I hope you felt some relief from your vent. I don't know what to suggest except an anger management course. It seems that is what is interfering with your well being the most.

Others including Dr. Baxter may be able to provide you with different suggestions. Have you talked with a therapist about this before? Do you ever feel depressed?
Have you talked with a therapist about this before? I have seen a therapist, but I never really mentioned that I am a nagging, sadistic creep. Do you ever feel depressed? Yes. Sometimes. And Anxious more so. Okay, there is something I wanted to add to what I said before- people close to me have told me that they are afraid to speak to me for fear I'll verbally attack them. They have said this on many ocassions, but not as much these days which is good. Also, what I said about people jumping me when I really didn't mean anything.....well when I explain nicely that I didn't they continue to assult me, blame it on me in some fashion as I have said, and call me a liar and wait a long time to forgive me. Me and my boyfriend had a fight and even now he says I am partly to blame because I am so mean all the time and he trys to be nice while I am jumping on him and it all builds up and finally I say sdomething that sounds hateful or that sounds like I mean something that I don't, then he just assumes I mean it because hey I do it all the time and he just snaps. The thing is he is telling me I am partly to blame for our earlier fight and I don't feel responsible, but I guess in a way I am. When crap like this happens it really takes me by surprise, and it hurts my feelings, but I know I always hurt everyone elses so boo hoo for me I guess. Yet, when this happens, I feel like a dog that has done so much stuff to make the owner (no I don't feel like they are my owner, but that's not the point) angry but they let it go and then suddenly they just come up while the dog is doing nothing and bash it on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, leaving the dog hurt, stunned, and confused. I am seriously so upset right now. God, I shouldn't live. I can't have a relationship with anyone. I want to die sometimes. I would never kill myself, because for one thing I'm a coward and for another, I am too worried about hurting everyone else, and I was raised Baptist so I do worry about the possibility of hell. Honestly, if I were dieing I'd probably fight to live, so maybe I don't want to die. Well I know part of me wants to live but it really feels like part of me genuinely wants to die. I just see nothing else for me. I am such a procrastinating lazy loser with no motivation and some anxiety and I am so stupid. I will never get anywhere in life, I barely function as is and sadly, I just don't care half the time that my life is how it is. I don't even try. And I am such a cruel creep, that I will chase everyone that loves me away and I will be alone. I hurt everyone I give a damn about so badly. I am halfway heartless and I feel like I truly deserve to die and I probably deserve hell too, but I just want to have a good life and for everyone to be happy and to have love so why am I the way I am? My boyfriend just told me that I was mean to him everyday of his life. My only reply was to tell him it was nice to know I never made him happy....not a single day. Then I hung up on him which he sees as a really mean cold thing to do, and he has expressed before that he felt this way, but I did it. Then I just sat here crying for awhile and saying repeatedly, I want to die, I want to die. I do that a lot when I have bad fights. At least, when I am feeling hurt and sometimes I think I have done that when I'm not hurt. I think I sorta mean it, but more not. Yet, I feel the need to say it over and over again even if no one else can hear me.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
You've seen a therapist but not told him about this issue... what did you talk to the therapist about?

Are you in a position to see one again, Daisy?

Try doing some reading about attachment disorders and borderline personality -- does anything there resonate? (If you can't find anything, I'll dig some things up and send them to you or post them.)
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