DemonDaisy
Member
Hi. I just wanted to vent. I feel like a whiny jerk even writing this because I know that I am the cause of most of my problems and generally a lot of other peoples. The thing is I am sad right now. I have a bit of a problem. You see, I have an anger problem. I am not normally physically agressive towards others, but tend to take the physical part out on myself, but it is under my control for the most part, so I don't really hurt myself very bad. I calculate it. I tend to scar and bruise easy though so it sometimes looks like I hurt myself bad, when really I didn't. However, I have stopped taking it out on myself because my friend really got upset over it and threatened to hurt themself everytime they found out I had hurt myself. Like I said, that part I had under control, so I had the ability to quit doing it. I haven't done that in awhile because of my friend and also because I was getting tired of having to hide the bruises, scratches, and bite marks, and tired of looking at the scars. The thing is I didn't have to do it, but it was just something that helped me release my anger and frustration and honestly, I think sometimes I did it almost as a self punishment. It wasn't something I had to do, but something I chose to do. However, there are other things that haven't been so easy to quit. Sometimes I do have angry outbursts, but many times I just seem very cold and calculating and cruel. I nag people. I really do pick at them and I don't know why. While I don't have the angry outbursts like most people describe, I do sometimes have them on a smaller scale. Sometimes I just go off when I feel like this, but I don't physically assult the other person. Other times, if I am alone (or sometimes when I'm not alone, I'll go somewhere to be alone) I sit on the floor and just try to sit it out while I rock back and forth, and the rage builds and I feel like I am going to pop a vessel in my head. Sometimes, during these rocking spells I will pound the floor or something for awhile to release some of my anger. I don't even always know why I feel this way. Anyways, this isn't the point. The point is, I mean the main problem is, I am mean. I think I do have an anger problem somewhat since I do get mad easier than a lot of people and am really easy to get irritated and snap at people, but on top of that I am just plain mean sometimes and I don't know how else to say it. I am not even sure if being a meanie is considered an anger management problem. I am usually the worst to people that I love the most. I don't want to hurt them, but I do. I make them miserable and I make myself miserable too. I say I will stop, but I never do. I don't even understand why I behave this way. I know that sounds like a load of bull crap, but it's true. I don't know why I do it. I am even mean to people that I love when they are sick or dieing. Sometimes I stop being mad and just go numb, but I still don't stop picking away. Sometimes they will apologize, but I go right on. And I don't know why I don't stop. It's so stupid. When I am in an argument, I will say the absolute cruelest thing that I can think of. I will actually use stuff I know about people against them. After I say it I regret it, but I will do it again. I wish I knew why I am this way and I wish that I could stop. I suppose I can stop. I am a bad person and I am chasing everyone away from me. I am known basically as a well I don't think I can curse here, so let's just say the "B" word. I am also known as the "A" word. And the "M" word- Meanie. I have been told by family that- 1. You are the worst problem I have ever had in my life! 2. You only care about yourself! (heard this a lot) 3. You can be such an a*****e sometimes! (okay so that one doesn't sound so bad, but the thing is this person was responding not out of anger, but out of hurt because I had just jumped them) 4. You are so mean that the devil (they also once said "something" instead of the devil, but meaning some sort of monster I guess) is liable to carry you off! (heard this more than a couple times) 5. You are so mean to so and so (someone I love) that when they die you'll probably see them (meaning be haunted by them, not because they are checking on me or anything but be haunted by visions of them so I will feel guilty and scared. I heard this more than once, but it was about the same person)! 6. I have been called "the devil" 7. and the devil's daughter 8. I think I have been called hard hearted a couple times as well as compared to the meanest people in our family's history that could be thought of. 9. I have been called "meanie" as a term of endearment more than once. Even when people are being sweet to me, they'll say stuff like, I love you meanie. Or pat me and say that's my little mean baby. 10. When people aren't mad at me, they will often make jokes about how mean I am. I know they are just joking and it is good that they can be so forgiving of me, that they actually joke about it later, but it hurts sometimes because I know this is really who I am in their head- a mean, abrasive, "B" word! 11. A person who used to try and convince me that I was a good person deep down has changed their mind. I finally made them see me for the monster I am. 12. I have had people tell me that I am actually mean or that I am so mean. All of this is from people that love me. They have to love me or they wouldn't put up with the crap I put em through. I feel like such an awful person. I know I can control myself better than I do, but why would I even do these things to start with? I don't understand. When I do have an argument, when I apologize, I will often shift part of the blame to the other person during my apology. Such as I am sorry for this and this and I know I shouldn't have done such and such, but you shouldn't have done this or I did this because I was upset when you did that. Also, I will actually jump on to people sometimes when they are trying to tell me that I have hurt them. I don't know how to handle it so I attack. How stupid is that?! To make matters worse, and as selfish as it is, this is what is bothering me right now- when I feel like an argument actually isn't my fault, and even sometimes when I feel like not only was it not my fault, but I actually didn't fly off the handle even when the other person started jumping on to me, and I remained nice, they still blame it on me! They say it was either all my fault or part my fault (often I am partly to blame or I react way too harshly after they start the fight, or I keep it going), but there have been ocassions where it wasn't my fault at all in my opinion and sometimes I have even been nice after they started fighting with me, or at least pretty calm considering. Other times, I am part ot blame, but certainly not to blame completely. Yet I get blamed so often. Somewtimes they will say I did something before the fight that provoked it immediatley afterwords. Other times they say it is because I am such a B word all the time that they get tired of it and finally explode when I say something small (sometimes I do do say a little something but nothing to deserve the outburst) or because I say something that comes out sounding like I mean it bad or strikes them as a hateful tone, even though sometimes I really meant nothing negative and it just gets misunderstood or it strikes them as being said in a hateful tone, when it was not intended as such. They don't ask how I meant it or did I mean to sound hateful. They just react. I guess they are just so used to me being verbally agressive and hateful that they assume and they just go off. So one way or the other I caused it. I either did something and provoked their anger before the fight or it is because I am such a bad person in general and badger them so much that it leads to their verbal attacks on me. I push them to it. I guess I deserve it. I guess I deserve worse.....but it does bother me. Sometimes in these cases when I try to explain that nothing bad was meant and I try to apologize, they won't accept it for a long time. *sighs* I know I deserve worse than this and have no right to whine. Yet it bothers me. It makes me feel like I am- in their eyes- always the wrong one. Always the bad guy. Always the problem. I cause everything. I will admit I cause most of it, but I don't think I cause it all. I am so mean though that sometimes I start to believe that maybe I really do cause it all in some way. Also, it bothers me because it seems like even when I am being good, I fail somehow. Makes me wonder what's the point. Yet, really I am so mean to my loved ones most of the time, that I deserve it when they are mean to me. I know I repeated myself, I know I also left a lot out, I probably worded stuff weird or just plain wrong and will be misunderstood because of that or because of stuff that was left out, and I know that I rambled and that this didn't really flow fluidly in one direction- it skipped around, but I am going to send it as is because I am tired and sick and hungry (getting ready to eat) and I want to post about something else. I will try to clarify stuff later if it gets misunderstood. Thanks for reading and responding.
