Too far gone

[Ashley-Kate]

i wrote a letter to my psychologist the other day about how i feel i left out all the details about being anorexic and of weight loss and stuff that come with being anorexic i didnT talk abotu calories or anythign in that sort all i did was talkabout me and my messed up little brain! her conclusion i am suicidal! didn't really get why she said that i basicly told her that i was at peace now with the possibility of me dying of a heart attack because of my anorexia and that set an alarm in her head i am not afraid of dying i am just sick of trying to live my heart tells me eat !!! my brain tells me i can't i don't know how to explain it but i am lost in this battle! i realise now that i might have a problem after 15 years of woundering if i am thin enough and never seeing it . at the age of 5 i wouldn't go outside in a snow suit cause it made me look even fatter then i thought i was yet i was a very petite child! now at age 20 i envie the days that i was little yet i probably am today but don't see it! people think this is all about control and it may be but in another sence i just want to feel good enough pretty enough i want to be thin! is it impossible for anorexia to just be a desire to be thin! i went through many obstacles in life but yet my anorexia was there before i was raped and molested before my parenst divorced i have always been this way i have always just wanted to be thin!

 

[adaptive1]

Hi Ashley

I dont think you are too far gone at all. You have obviously been through alot and the fact you are still here shows you are very strong and you continue to keep trying. That says alot about you. I don't think you want to give up at all. I wish I was better at knowing what to say, I sruggle with my past too and I have to work every day to keep things from being problems for me, it is alot of work, but it is so worth the struggle. The things you have had to overcome are tough but you can get to a better place, I know it.

 

[Into The Light]

i don't know very much about eating disorders but the fact that even at the age of 5 you were already so worried about your weight means something wasn't right even then. maybe you've just always been more prone to developing the illness.

do you feel like you're just not making any progress in recovery?

what would it mean, what does being pretty enough and thin enough give you that you feel you don't have now?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i really don't know but it is as if my mind won't allow me to be fat i just can't allow myself to eat as if people would think less of me if i did i am afraid that they will like me less if i am fat so i try me best to lose weight to keep losing i just can't stop anymore!!!!

 

[labyssum]

I don't think you're too far gone. I've been through a few of the things you have, and I'm still here at 22, pushing on. If you need to chat just PM me ok?
We're here for you.:heart: