Torn

[Katherine]

I am 51 and sound like I have a teenage problem. I am divorced. For the past ten years I have had an on-off relationship with one gentleman. Most of the time things go well. I know he loves me. He is very attentive, but has been prone to some selfishness on occasion. Recently, we moved in together and things are going well. BUT, about 5 years ago I also became pals with one of his friends. We are all buddies. We go on trips, we go out on weekends, we have fun. His buddy and I have more in common as per grown children, grand children etc. than my live-in and I. In essence, I love them both. I have been physically intimate with my live-in of course, and never with our buddy. Last year, some things nearly came to a head about it all. Basically, I pulled away from them both. I love the live in but more and more I miss our buddy when he is not around. I adore him. I do not have sexual fantasies about him, although that is not a turn off by any means. I also think (know) that he really likes me and feels close to me. I also know that he has been married 3 times and does not want to make another mistake. We sometimes do things just the two of us when my live in is working. I only wish I could settle down and enjoy this ride...
Sometimes, when love steps in, the emotions simmer and it is no longer about choice. By the way, I am a Master's level Counselor, myself.
I just needed someone to tell it to...I am wondering what about my own pathology may be keeping me in this sort of bind. Why can't I just appreciate and enjoy my live-in relationship AND my friendship with our buddy? Why is everything in my being making me want the relationship with my buddy to be stronger and to grow toward romance? Why do I think about him so much? I think I need to pray...
K[/quote]

 

[Katherine]

I am 51 and sound like I have a teenage problem. I am divorced. For the past ten years I have had an on-off relationship with one gentleman. Most of the time things go well. I know he loves me. He is very attentive, but has been prone to some selfishness on occasion. Recently, we moved in together and things are going well. BUT, about 5 years ago I also became pals with one of his friends. We are all buddies. We go on trips, we go out on weekends, we have fun. His buddy and I have more in common as per grown children, grand children etc. than my live-in and I. In essence, I love them both. I have been physically intimate with my live-in of course, and never with our buddy. Last year, some things nearly came to a head about it all. Basically, I pulled away from them both. I love the live in but more and more I miss our buddy when he is not around. I adore him. I do not have sexual fantasies about him, although that is not a turn off by any means. I also think (know) that he really likes me and feels close to me. I also know that he has been married 3 times and does not want to make another mistake. We sometimes do things just the two of us when my live in is working. I only wish I could settle down and enjoy this ride...
Sometimes, when love steps in, the emotions simmer and it is no longer about choice. By the way, I am a Master's level Counselor, myself.
I just needed someone to tell it to...I am wondering what about my own pathology may be keeping me in this sort of bind. Why can't I just appreciate and enjoy my live-in relationship AND my friendship with our buddy? Why is everything in my being making me want the relationship with my buddy to be stronger and to grow toward romance? Why do I think about him so much? I think I need to pray...
K[/quote]

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wonder about your need to call this "pathology"...

I think we humans are pretty good about hiding truths from ourselves that we'd rather not face, or not just yet. Perhaps your attraction to the friend/buddy is (a) a reflection of genuine feelings for him that you simply don't have for your partner, or (b) a reflection of negative feelings toward or needs unmet by your partner. That doesn't need to be "pathology" - sometimes that's just unwelcome reality.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wonder about your need to call this "pathology"...

I think we humans are pretty good about hiding truths from ourselves that we'd rather not face, or not just yet. Perhaps your attraction to the friend/buddy is (a) a reflection of genuine feelings for him that you simply don't have for your partner, or (b) a reflection of negative feelings toward or needs unmet by your partner. That doesn't need to be "pathology" - sometimes that's just unwelcome reality.