I don't even know where to begin as a lot of this has been building up for some time...
It all started when I became unexpectedly pregnant with our third child. My youngest was only 9 months old when I found out I was pregnant. My husband cried when he found out the news (I had just lost my job and we were financially strapped).
He asked me to have an abortion more than once. There's no way I could have done that... and i'm married for goodness sakes. Not a teenager or a young single person. I wanted the baby and he didn't.
Eventually, he warmed up as much as he could and by the end of the pregnancy he was excited.
During that time, he would tell this girl at the office about our troubles at home. She was young, not married (but seeing someone) and didn't have any baggage. I was worried that he would be attracted to her because she was so free and without issues. I was upset that he was talking to her about us. I felt that we should have been talking to eachother about the pregnancy. As it was, I felt alone and depressed.
But, when my son was born, I made the decision to have my tubes tied. Not because I wanted to... but because I didn't want to have to go through another pregnancy with my husband being non-supportive. He was also angry when I was pregnant with our daughter.
Anyway, after our son was born he slipped into the "good father" role that he's always held. He's an excellent dad and loves our children to pieces.
We got closer and ironed out many of our issues. Then my grandma died.
Over the past 8 months (ever since my grandma died), I have felt distance in my relationship with my husband.
Sometimes I think my big family can stress my husband out. When my grandma died, I needed him to be there for me. But during that time he got angry quite a bit and we fought a lot. I found myself having to focus on his needs instead of my own grief. So I put it aside. He didn't seem to understand my need to be with my family (we are all extremely close so when we lose someone... we sort of need eachother). I tried including him... but he would always say during that time... "i'll watch the kids...you go on." And then later on.. I would find out that he would feel left out.
I came from that experience emotionally distant and angry with him.
I should also probably mention that he can be emotionally abusive sometimes. Like for instance, he tends to "father" me on things. He is highly critical and expects everything to be perfectly in order when he gets home. Our children are 5, 2-1/2 and 15 months. So I find more often than not that chaos ensues.
He is sort of a naggy guy. He is on me constantly about everything. He triple-questions the decisions I make in regards to the kids (I think I am a darn good mom). I feel like I have to try and "hold fast" to my role in the family.
And to top it off... he makes "fat jokes" (he is no skinny-minnie himself) at my expense but says he's trying to help keep me in line. He's also very critical and sarcastic in a passive-aggressive sort of way. Case in point... one day I opened the cupboard to get my son a drink. I then had to put him to bed. I forgot that I did not close the cupboard (got caught up in other things). My husband then hit his head on the cupboard and got angry. To "show me", he opened up all of the cupboards in the kitchen so that I would "know how it feels". And when I woke up in the morning... all of the cupboards were open.
One day, I launched a concern again about his relationship with this office girl. I don't know if she's really an issue with him... but she sure is with me. We got into a major fight on the phone and he ended our conversation with... "Well, maybe I should just run my car into this pole!" and then he hung up the phone. I was so wrought with worry. He of course came home and was just fine.
Now we are looking for a house and can't seem to get on the same page with anything. It's become so stressful that I have actually considered leaving him over it.
And his mom is an added stressor for me (she who does all things perfect).
All of the stuff has compounded on top of one another and when I try to talk about one instance at a time.... he shuts down. He refuses to talk about it or gets angry. There's no happy-medium.
I'm not perfect either.... I tend to become jealous and possessive (over him and over my role in our family), I constantly feel depressed, i'm overweight and I hate it (food has always been my crutch). And to top it off... when i'm having these feelings I sort of emotionally exit from society. As in, I would rather hole up in my house all day than have to deal with anyone outside of the comfort of my little family (husband and kids).
Lately, i've been having these dreams that he ends up cheating on me (or choosing) some other woman over me. And I hate it! I always feel "not good enough" in our relationship. He has so many criticisms that when I ask if he's really happy.... he says he is.
As a result of feeling unworthy and such, I have begun to let our physical relationship slide. I rarely kiss him or want to have sex anymore. And when he wakes me up in the morning for sex (which he sometimes does and it seems it is always on the nights I have been up with the kids), I feel resentful of it. Like he is intruding on my space. He also gets aroused when I am in the middle of cleaning the house. I hate it. I'm trying to clean the house. Because if it's not clean... he becomes mad. So no distractions please.
At the same time, I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs in front of my own. I try very hard to be a good wife and mother. But I don't think i'm that great to myself.
I used to have pride in our relationship because it felt like we could communicate about everything and anything.
I still feel like we can... but all of this stuff has built up to the point where I feel like we're both ticking time-bombs or something.
If you have made it this far.... thank you. I just don't know what to do and i'm tired of being unhappy. I want to be proactive so any advice would be greatly appreciated. I vow to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life. I made this choice...and I love my husband (I really do. He also does sweet things for me and puts a lot of effort into our marriage.)
I just want to make it better.
It all started when I became unexpectedly pregnant with our third child. My youngest was only 9 months old when I found out I was pregnant. My husband cried when he found out the news (I had just lost my job and we were financially strapped).
He asked me to have an abortion more than once. There's no way I could have done that... and i'm married for goodness sakes. Not a teenager or a young single person. I wanted the baby and he didn't.
Eventually, he warmed up as much as he could and by the end of the pregnancy he was excited.
During that time, he would tell this girl at the office about our troubles at home. She was young, not married (but seeing someone) and didn't have any baggage. I was worried that he would be attracted to her because she was so free and without issues. I was upset that he was talking to her about us. I felt that we should have been talking to eachother about the pregnancy. As it was, I felt alone and depressed.
But, when my son was born, I made the decision to have my tubes tied. Not because I wanted to... but because I didn't want to have to go through another pregnancy with my husband being non-supportive. He was also angry when I was pregnant with our daughter.
Anyway, after our son was born he slipped into the "good father" role that he's always held. He's an excellent dad and loves our children to pieces.
We got closer and ironed out many of our issues. Then my grandma died.
Over the past 8 months (ever since my grandma died), I have felt distance in my relationship with my husband.
Sometimes I think my big family can stress my husband out. When my grandma died, I needed him to be there for me. But during that time he got angry quite a bit and we fought a lot. I found myself having to focus on his needs instead of my own grief. So I put it aside. He didn't seem to understand my need to be with my family (we are all extremely close so when we lose someone... we sort of need eachother). I tried including him... but he would always say during that time... "i'll watch the kids...you go on." And then later on.. I would find out that he would feel left out.
I came from that experience emotionally distant and angry with him.
I should also probably mention that he can be emotionally abusive sometimes. Like for instance, he tends to "father" me on things. He is highly critical and expects everything to be perfectly in order when he gets home. Our children are 5, 2-1/2 and 15 months. So I find more often than not that chaos ensues.
He is sort of a naggy guy. He is on me constantly about everything. He triple-questions the decisions I make in regards to the kids (I think I am a darn good mom). I feel like I have to try and "hold fast" to my role in the family.
And to top it off... he makes "fat jokes" (he is no skinny-minnie himself) at my expense but says he's trying to help keep me in line. He's also very critical and sarcastic in a passive-aggressive sort of way. Case in point... one day I opened the cupboard to get my son a drink. I then had to put him to bed. I forgot that I did not close the cupboard (got caught up in other things). My husband then hit his head on the cupboard and got angry. To "show me", he opened up all of the cupboards in the kitchen so that I would "know how it feels". And when I woke up in the morning... all of the cupboards were open.
One day, I launched a concern again about his relationship with this office girl. I don't know if she's really an issue with him... but she sure is with me. We got into a major fight on the phone and he ended our conversation with... "Well, maybe I should just run my car into this pole!" and then he hung up the phone. I was so wrought with worry. He of course came home and was just fine.
Now we are looking for a house and can't seem to get on the same page with anything. It's become so stressful that I have actually considered leaving him over it.
And his mom is an added stressor for me (she who does all things perfect).
All of the stuff has compounded on top of one another and when I try to talk about one instance at a time.... he shuts down. He refuses to talk about it or gets angry. There's no happy-medium.
I'm not perfect either.... I tend to become jealous and possessive (over him and over my role in our family), I constantly feel depressed, i'm overweight and I hate it (food has always been my crutch). And to top it off... when i'm having these feelings I sort of emotionally exit from society. As in, I would rather hole up in my house all day than have to deal with anyone outside of the comfort of my little family (husband and kids).
Lately, i've been having these dreams that he ends up cheating on me (or choosing) some other woman over me. And I hate it! I always feel "not good enough" in our relationship. He has so many criticisms that when I ask if he's really happy.... he says he is.
As a result of feeling unworthy and such, I have begun to let our physical relationship slide. I rarely kiss him or want to have sex anymore. And when he wakes me up in the morning for sex (which he sometimes does and it seems it is always on the nights I have been up with the kids), I feel resentful of it. Like he is intruding on my space. He also gets aroused when I am in the middle of cleaning the house. I hate it. I'm trying to clean the house. Because if it's not clean... he becomes mad. So no distractions please.
At the same time, I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs in front of my own. I try very hard to be a good wife and mother. But I don't think i'm that great to myself.
I used to have pride in our relationship because it felt like we could communicate about everything and anything.
I still feel like we can... but all of this stuff has built up to the point where I feel like we're both ticking time-bombs or something.
If you have made it this far.... thank you. I just don't know what to do and i'm tired of being unhappy. I want to be proactive so any advice would be greatly appreciated. I vow to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life. I made this choice...and I love my husband (I really do. He also does sweet things for me and puts a lot of effort into our marriage.)
I just want to make it better.
