Trying to change me...?

[pollypocket111]

Just thought about something.... not been with my family for a long time... i look great whilst i'm away, lost weight.... grown my hair long and beautiful and blonde and natural, got a degree... job in management. i wear my own fashion.

i come back carrying my second baby... and i get comments like you should cut your hair, you suit it short and spikey... then buy me a pack of pink hair dye for my birthday, and specific eye makep up. that i used to wear when i was 16.

comments about the clothes i wear... she' grunts at them... and says i look like the grunge look. next time i see her, she tells me how she hates the grunge look.

my partner just let me get on with it... didnt interfere, when i'm cutting my hair to bits and dying it pink and bleaching all the natural colour out. And avoiding wearing the clothes she commented about.

and just after i've had a baby... they (my mum and golden child and scapegoat) tell me how they never thought i would be a mum, and that they always thought i was be a celebrity or something... how patronising is that... when i'm the size of a house after having my second baby.

so just to add to the depressing feeling of being frumpy after most people have babies... i've got them telling me how they always imagined me being a pop star... completely unrealistic.... extrememly patronising... and when i pointed out, i've just had a baby.... they dont seem to understand where my problem is... obviously the fella did this to me... did what.... there is nothing wrong with me!!!!!

and by the way...

'quoted from mother' she knew i was going to get pregnant, because he is so controlling that he couldnt stand me looking so good and had to get me pregnant... nothing to do with a failed pill after taking anti-biotics... and i love my baby. and a week after having my baby, she is trying to drum it into my head that he must get a vasectomy... so i'm awful to him over it...

 

[Jazzey]

Well, maybe her motives aren't important? It's what you do with those words that matters....ie - ignore them. Who cares why she's doing it. Listen to your closest allies..and leave others at the door.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey pollypocket,

I feel ya, sister... If there is anything that I learned when it comes to my mom, who sounds very similar to yours, it's definitely not good for your own mental health and identity to go along with what she says. And definitely ignore what she says to try to get you riled up. Seems my mom was always finding something to criticize me about if she wasn't trying to control me. So I'm with Displaced on that one...

It's nice to have people that you can vent to in here, though, because not a lot of people outside this group can relate to what you're talking about. It's definitely frustrating, especially when you might have to nod and smile when she criticizes you or tells you to do something while in your head you're thinking "WhatEVeeeer..." just so you can survive another day without her going ballistic in your face... It's part of the reason I don't talk to her anymore. I don't want to pretend everything is fine anymore, I don't want to pretend I agree with everything she says, I don't want to be fake around her. I've been doing it all my life, being fake to everyone including myself and it beat me down. Can't do it anymore, myself...

What I had to do was sort of break myself down and figure out what I want in my life. I've actually dumped a lot of so-called friends who like to manipulate or who like to bully me, etc, and I'm trying not to be so tolerant of bad behaviour towards me anymore. I'm starting from scratch with help from my therapist, my husband, and some really understanding relatives and I think I can count everyone I trust right now on one hand... But it's a start.

Have you tried assertiveness sayings? Like, "Mom, when you tell me I look better in a different look instead of saying something nice about my own style, it makes it sound to me like you are not happy with me as I am. Next time I come for a visit, I don't want to hear that, because it hurts my feelings that you don't accept me for who I am. Instead, I want to hear a compliment on my own appearance, because it was my choice to appear this way and I am happy with it. If you don't like how I look, I would prefer you say nothing. If you continue to make me feel bad for who I am you're going to see a lot less of me."

So with this method at least you didn't start with accusations or anything, you are simply a) stating how your mom makes you feel when she tries to change you.... b) Then you give her the alternate behaviour that you expect from her. c) Then you give her the consequences if she doesn't abide by the boundaries you set. And don't forget d) actually follow through with the consequences for disrespecting your boundaries that you set.

It doesn't always work, but if you stay away from her longer each time she tries to manipulate or criticize you, you might actually enjoy the time away. You will have set your boundaries and then she has no excuse to walk over them without the consequences you provide... On the other hand some Narcissistic parents really get their undies in a knot and their behaviour gets worse then ever... And you have to keep laying down your boundaries and be strict with them, because these narcissists are just like 3-yr-olds - you give em an inch and they'll take a mile. If she tries to blame you somehow, you can call her on it: "It's not my fault that you feel/act that way, mom. I can't control how you feel/act. I can only control how I feel/act." They also like to say things like, "You don't love me anymore," and you can counter with, "First of all, you can't tell me how I feel and you're a terrible mind reader. Secondly, I love you the same. But just because I love you, it doesn't mean I have to neglect myself."

 

[Always Changing]

I might very well be be wrong here.. but I think Polly is looking back at some things... as in this is what her mothers behaviour was, her attempts at and her sucess at controlling her life..... up to a short time ago.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Ah, sorry if I misinterpreted...