Twin sister

[g-scared]

I just had the last fight with my twin sister. I've said goodbye to her. I've filtered her from my gmail and erased her from my Skype.

It sounds bad, but every time I speak to her it makes me feel like crap, so I'm actually a bit relieved.

The reason for the last fight was over a misunderstanding she keeps pushing me to apologize for, but I tell her I can't apologize because I don't understand her. I have tried writing to her, telling her I love her, telling her I don't understand and therefore do not want to apologize because I feel like it would be dishonest, I have even sent her a gift for Christmas by mail. It was a book written by Michel Tournier, called Les Meteores. Its a book about twins, recommended to me by my therapist. I thought that maybe rather than saying I'm sorry we could try to understand each other better.

I called her on the phone today. She seemed happy, I thought myself clever because I did something that made her accept me back, but then after a few minutes our conversation cycled back to the same old stupid fight and I'm just sick of it. I've had it. I did all I can and she doesn't make any effort in return. So, I just sent her a goodbye message and I'm going to try to concentrate on my work now. She made me so angry I'm having trouble concentrating now.

I never thought I would be the kind of person to have a conflict with a family member that would stop us talking, but here it is...

Any suggestions would be kindly appreciated.

Thanks,
g

 

[Retired]

Re: twin sister

• The reason for the last fight was over a misunderstanding she keeps pushing me to apologize for,
• but I tell her I can't apologize because I don't understand her.

Your statement sounds like two people speaking a different language!

Evidently your sister feels slighted by something you did or said, and therefore feels she desrves an apology.

Are you saying you don't understand the circumstances that require the apology, or that you don't understand your sister in general?

Do you acknlowledge the incident requiring the apology, or are you saying it never happened, or didn't happen the way she remembers it?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: twin sister

Being a twin hun i know that connection will never be lost
I am sorry you two are at each other and maybe i am being weak but i would just say i am sorry for apparently upsetting you although i do not understand i will say i am sorry you were harmed in anyway That is just me though hun i would give her what she wants so peace could come abt and people could move on. You have to do what feels right for you i understand but i look at the big picture and that is bringing peace back between the two hugs

 

[g-scared]

Re: twin sister

Dear Steve,

Good questions.

Are you saying you don't understand the circumstances that require the apology, or that you don't understand your sister in general?

The circumstances of the apology are complicated because they involve a roommate of hers that I became involved with while visiting her. I thought there maybe underlying feelings of jealousy because the last night I was in town I decided to spend with him instead of her, which made her very upset and she therefore sent a string of 10 or more hateful angry text messages to me at 4 in the morning. She is angry because she accuses me of speaking badly about her to her friends, but in truth it was only one friend I vented to, which was him, and this was mainly due to the fact that he was present during the hateful string of text messages. I do not want to apologize because I was reacting to offenses that originated from her. To make things more complicated he was so angry with her after I left town, that he decided to ask her to leave the apartment. He wanted to kick her out. This was not my intention, I was not even there when he proposed it, yet she blames me for it. I think its funny because she has never demanded an apology from him, who wanted to kick her out, but she accuses me of sabotaging her life. She says she doesn't trust me with her personal life anymore. That I seriously messed things up the last time I was around. I think she just fails to take responsibility for her own actions.

I am still in touch with her roommate, the guy I became involved with. He is a genuinely amazing person and has since the incident found a way to forgive her. I have decided to keep our conversations separate, so I do not talk to her about him or him about her. They are getting along fine now, which is great. They even had a good holiday together, but she still holds a grudge against me.

In general I think we have some deep seeded issues involving our relationship as identical twins. I think she is self-centered and she smokes pot so chronically (sometimes up to 7 times a day) that it makes her paranoid.

Do you acknlowledge the incident requiring the apology, or are you saying it never happened, or didn't happen the way she remembers it?

I asked her to explain to me exactly what it is that I did so that I could understand.

Her response to me was over some things that I had said. I find it all kind of ridiculous because the things I said pale into comparison to all of the hateful messages, yelling and cursing she inflicted on me.

I acknowledged that I spoke to her roommate about her, but only him, not many. She makes it sound as if I was conspiring against her, as if I was trying to get all of her friends to not like her and kick her out of the apartment. It is not a matter of pride that keeps me from apologizing, but that I do not agree with her point of view and would feel dishonest humoring her. I can't apologize to something that I did not do.

This incident has become a grudge that gets in the way of our ability to communicate. I think it was just a matter of time for something like this to happen. We have a long history of fighting and not understanding each other.

---------- Post added at 01:11 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:53 AM ----------

Dear Eclipse,

I did apologize to her, for spending the last night with her roommate instead of her, but I don't want to apologize for her almost getting kicked out of her apartment, because I did not have anything to do with that.

The thing is that she also had a relationship with her roommate's best friend, and their break up was so bad that he couldn't invite his friend to their house any more. She has a bad habit of sending too many text messages, which make her socially awkward.

Its all kind of complicated. My idea was to try to stay out of the things that were beyond my control and to let her resolve her roommate and friend issues on her own. And it has worked so far! I was really happy for her, but she's still angry at me.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: twin sister

Perhaps space is needed like you said give it time and space I do hope things resolve and you are a part of her life soon hugs

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I don't know 100%, not having any sisters, but perhaps she was jealous of the relationship you had with her room mate. Not necessarily just the fact that it IS the room mate, just that you are in a relationship (or beginning of one) and she has just recently (or not so recently) left a relationship. So you have something she doesn't. And I definitely don't know about twins, but I have heard some are very protective of their relationship with their twin... So maybe she felt more attached to and dependent on you than you feel toward her.... It sounds like you are comfortable having a life independent from her, whereas she seems to think that the two of you should keep in your twin relationship and place that relationship before all others... I don't know for sure, I'm speculating...

In which case, what Eclipse said about giving her space might help.

Or this might be an absurd-sounding suggestion, but perhaps you two could go to some (relationship counseling) therapy about it? Not necessarily for you, but for her... You would naturally benefit as well because you might learn some insight as to what is causing her to act this way. Maybe it's something else causing this strong reaction and inability to let go of something...

 

[AmZ]

Good tips all around!

Good luck.

 

[g-scared]

Dear Jollygreenjellybean,

Interesting analysis. Yes, I sense this a little. Even the last hours I was in town she wanted to meet with me to have lunch, but I was still angry and I felt I had already spent so much time with her in the last two weeks that it wasn't necessary. She even had $300 she was supposed to give me from my dad so that I would have enough money to pay for my luggage while traveling, but she left me stranded. It was actually her roommate who let me borrow some money, wrote me a poem, and accompanied me to the airport that day.

Her messages are so contradictory I get confused, and turned off.

I still feel upset about deciding not to talk to her. I don't like to leave problems unresolved, it makes me feel worse, but I tried and I don't feel she is seeing things clearly. I don't know if the time is going to make her angrier or less so. I guess its up to her.....

---------- Post added at 06:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:04 AM ----------

As for counseling, its not a possibility because we are so far away from each other. I in Europe, and she in the West Coast USA. Its hard enough even getting on the phone at the same time. 9 hour time difference.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Ah... I see it would be hard... Hm, well I didn't mean to make an analysis, since we aren't supposed to do that in this forum... I was just speculating a few things in case you hadn't thought of them (but you probably already have)... lol

 

[g-scared]

Its ok

I just got a response to my mail from her. I haven't really blocked her mails, just filtered them so they arrive in a specific folder rather than my inbox.

Her responses so far have been: "boring" and "drama queen"
Not very nice, but also not so serious. So, I guess I will not take her too seriously either. I will try to keep focusing on my work. I have a couple of reports due next week and a major presentation due in two weeks for my thesis.

All for now.

Best,
g

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Keep us posted how things are going, if you like.

 

[g-scared]

Just an update.... I heard back from my sister and she apologized for the way she spoke to me last. I didn't even notice her mail until a couple of days afterwards, but its nice to have her mails tumble into another folder that does not arrive right away.

She said she felt we did not understand each other well, and that we should speak to each other again face to face, but that through email its not really sufficient and I agreed with her. Told her I would also try to be less judgmental towards her in the future.

Now she wants to visit me in Europe. It may be nice, I hope so. I think maybe she's learning a little, I hope. In any case, I guess I will see later when she arrives...

take care,
g