uncontrollable explosion

[Rusaalka]

i needed to come here for support. normally i would think it is stupid to join a community for this sort of thing (naturally, i am a bit negative)...but i feel that the things i say and do should be my problems- yet lately i seem to have been lashing out and i believe my anger and inability to come to terms with it is causing problems for my signinficant other.
i am 18 years old, i am living with my boyfriend renting a room in our friends house. my boyfriend is a good person, but we have been living here for almost 5 monthes and he still hasnt gotten a job, nor does he even do the chores usually. i told him that i beleive that some of his behaviors are contributing to my depression, and i was crying while i said it. but he still doesnt seem to be taking me seriously.
now i am aware that the majority of those who will read this will probably say that he is no good and i should leave him for my best interest. but i love him, and we have been through a lot...i honestly think that since he was raised in a slightly wealthy environment( or at least what would seem so to me), that now that he is out on his own, he fails to notice the importance of employment and such. he doesnt realize we are lucky to have any of the things we have, in fact he is accustomed to what i and my family would consider luxuries.
but the main reason i felt inclined to come here tonight was so that i could vent and get support on my greatest issue- male sexuality. i am not against sexual activity in any way. but the way males seem so incapable of controlling their urges makes me view it as pathetic and desperate. pornography is disgusting, and i say this without any religious faith as influence. it enrages me to no end that the average guy seems to find what is the most synthetic appearance to be the most attractive, and that anyone could masterbate to animation(it just seems as though it is a way to pretend, that females can have such big breasts, or be so unrealistically thin). i have dated guys who agree with me on this topic, that think porno is either gross and tasteless. but my current boyfriend does not agree...which is something i wasnt aware of until more recently.
it disturbs me when he mentions that a cartoon could be arousing, or even a real video of such distasteful displays. i try to understand, and i try harder to not be mean and severely angry with him about it, but i cant help myself. it makes me so furious that i cry, simply not knowing what else to do. i think the biggest part of it for me is that i was in a point in time where i did many things i severely regret, and just beforehand had learned the true meaning of heartache. i swore i wouldnt even date anyone for a seriously long time, and i didnt for say a year until i met my current boyfriend. it took amazing amounts of love and trust for him to woo me out of my fear of getting close to someone, and whhen i found out he is attracted to porn and other such related things dissapointed me badly- thinking about how i have dated people before in my life who agreed with my views on it..i suppose i just cant comprehend how i ended up with someone who has such opposing views from me, on a matter i am most adamant about.
among my such enfuriated moods, float obcessive compulsive disorder, clinical depression, and social anxiety disorder.
i am not suicidal. but i dont feel like i have any reason to be alive, either. for all who took the time to read this, please reply to me so i can have a little true understanding for once. good night, thanks.

also, no offense to any guys out there. i am aware that not all guys are like "that", and even if they are it doesnt mean they are bad people. but the personality trait disturbs me, even though i know it shouldnt be any of my concern really. i am open and encouraging of theories and disussion about what this could be related to. the only thing i cannot bear to hear is justification for males being sex "addicts". as human beings, we all have the ability to control ourselves.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

now i am aware that the majority of those who will read this will probably say that he is no good and i should leave him for my best interest. but i love him, and we have been through a lot...

No... whether you choose to leave or to stay is entirely your decision and whatever decision you make you will make when you are ready to do so... no one truly knows you or your feelings or your life except you.

On the other hand, you do need to think about what it is you love, do not love, like, and do not like about your boyfriend because he is what he is, good and bad. That doesn't mean he can't change if he wants to change, but don't expect him to change because you want him to change - you basically need to answer the question (for you, not for or to anyon else), "if he stays the way he is now do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?".

but the main reason i felt inclined to come here tonight was so that i could vent and get support on my greatest issue- male sexuality. i am not against sexual activity in any way. but the way males seem so incapable of controlling their urges makes me view it as pathetic and desperate.

males are not incapable of controlling their urges - some choose to believe they don't have to though

pornography is disgusting, and i say this without any religious faith as influence. it enrages me to no end that the average guy seems to find what is the most synthetic appearance to be the most attractive, and that anyone could masterbate to animation(it just seems as though it is a way to pretend, that females can have such big breasts, or be so unrealistically thin). i have dated guys who agree with me on this topic, that think porno is either gross and tasteless. but my current boyfriend does not agree...which is something i wasnt aware of until more recently.

as you note, there are many males who do agree with you - I don't know what "the average guy" thinks - I'm not even sure who "the average guy" is - but in any case it's irrelevant - the only guy who matter right at this moment is the one you're distressed about - whether he is average or not doesn't matter

it disturbs me when he mentions that a cartoon could be arousing, or even a real video of such distasteful displays. i try to understand, and i try harder to not be mean and severely angry with him about it, but i cant help myself. it makes me so furious that i cry, simply not knowing what else to do. i think the biggest part of it for me is that i was in a point in time where i did many things i severely regret, and just beforehand had learned the true meaning of heartache. i swore i wouldnt even date anyone for a seriously long time, and i didnt for say a year until i met my current boyfriend. it took amazing amounts of love and trust for him to woo me out of my fear of getting close to someone, and when i found out he is attracted to porn and other such related things dissapointed me badly- thinking about how i have dated people before in my life who agreed with my views on it..i suppose i just cant comprehend how i ended up with someone who has such opposing views from me, on a matter i am most adamant about.

and this is probably the major issue - you and he have very different views: (1) can you find some sort of compromise you both can live with? (2) do both of you really want to find such a compromise if it is possible?

among my such enfuriated moods, float obcessive compulsive disorder, clinical depression, and social anxiety disorder.
i am not suicidal. but i dont feel like i have any reason to be alive, either. for all who took the time to read this, please reply to me so i can have a little true understanding for once. good night, thanks.

are you in treatment for any of these issues, Rusaalka? on any medication? if so, how well is the treatment working for you currently? certainly, trying to cope with these issues and the relationship issues at the same time is a very heavy load...

 

[Rusaalka]

no, i am not in any therapy or on any medication, i used to be against the thought of " altering my natural emotions". however, it has gotten to the point, at times, where i feel anything is better than this feeling.
i was on medication for anxiety disease a few years ago, and had counseling before and after my hospitalization. but the medicine made me physically ill, so i stopped taking it, and when i left my mothers house (age 16) she removed me from her insurance. this is a very difficult thing to deal with, because the biggest problem of all for me is my irritable stomach disorder. i get every digestive problem you can imagine due to the psycho-somatic effects of my emotion.
now, i am aware there are sliding-scale/low-income and family services. but i only make a little over $100.00 per week, and you can imagine covering food and bills for two people leaves me with so little that sliding scale is pretty much even out of the question. but there is one last resort, which is the health insurance that my work offers to even part-time employees. i have yet to sign up, but i fear it because 20 dollars less per check will be felt.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not very well informed about medical/health services in the US - are there any at all that you can access if you don't have any money? in Canada, there are some services, even outside of our medicare system, that can be accessed for free if need be... another option up here is university clinics, where again often there is a nominal fee which can be waived if the individual can't afford that.

I would also suggest that you need to talk to your boyfriend about the fact that you need to get treatment for your anxiety and depression and that the stress of being the sole wage-earner in this relationship is likely making you worse - if he cares about you, he needs understand that he really must pitch in and help you right now.

 

[Rusaalka]

yes, he does need to help. like i said, he doesnt seem to realize the importance of employment, or that we do noy have money to throw around. hes used to living in the four-story hous on an island with six cars, but still i would expectthat he would make an attempt, at least out of concern for me.
as for health services, well, they arent all that great. i hear in canada the citizens are well taken care of. america as a whole is not so great as people seem to think. but thats just my opinion. i am thankful for the things i wouldnt have somewhere else, but all i know is-for support, you need money. period. i suppose thats why i came here.
maybe there are places somewhere, but after all the things i have been through in this general area of the state, i would be very suprized if i happenned to miss its existance.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I gather from your earlier comment that you don't have any family support - what about your boyfriend? if his family is well off, and he is unemployed, are they able to help?

 

[Rusaalka]

well.. they have offered to pay for my GED, which i am excited about taking advantage of so i can go to art school. however, i do not have the courage to ask for financial support from them, seeing as i dont really have any common ground with them. having anxiety disease has prevented me from ever letting them truly got to know me, and as far as i know they have very little knowledge of mental illness. i think it is a legitimate assumption to say that they wouldnt find it too appealing to help me out there. they are all about financing education.
even my boyfriend sometimes has a hard time understanding my angst, sadness, and fears. well, i do as well, for that matter. this, and similar related experiences, are what have led me to conclude that you are indeed a product of the happennings of your youth. i am not a descriminatory person, but sometimes i feel as though people who have never dealt with going hungry, or sleeping on the floors of friends houses, (both as a child, just a couple for examples)-have a certain ora of ignorance. not in the context of stupidity, but blindness, and incapability to see how bad some people have it.
anyway, as i said, i doubt his parents would finance my therapy or meds, even if we did have the guts to ask.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I wasn't thinking of you asking his parents for anything - more of him asking his parents to help with his share of the food and rent, etc., until he finds work... that way, some of what you are earning could be used for treatment (counselling or medications).

 

[Rusaalka]

oh, i see. much more logical idea, sorry about the misunderstanding. well, he does get food from them now and again, and also has to ask them for rent often. it doesnt seem to help much.

i also came here to see if i can release some of my terrible jealousy. i even get bothered and upset inwardly when he mentions his ex-girlfriend, the one right before me. this is someone he knew before he knew me, but what bothers me most is that she is the perfect pinup, the kind of girl that seems to do anything and everything she can to distance herself from naturality. that type of appearance choice does not seem healthy to me, but who am i to judge what is healthy with such tainted outlooks on things.
i get very jealous, and i have had unbearable recurrant dreams now beyond count. the general idea is always the same: i am in udder lowest emotional despair, and going through the physical effects of such a state; and all strangers take no notice at all. but,the people i do know and love the most (mainly boyfriends{these dreams started in my lasr relationship, with my last boyfriend in them, and now i have them again but with my current bf in them}). the people i love and need the most, they notice i am breaking down and miserable, unlike the strangers...but also unlike the strangers, he/his party(normally attractive girls) laugh at me for it, make me feel inferior and completely alone, and even do whtever they can to make it worse. the terror of complete lonliness is incomprehensible, and i always wake up crying.

my mom told me she thinks i suffer from a terrible human seperation anxiety of sorts.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Well, Rusaalka...

It's quite late here and this cold or 'flu or whatever it is is getting to me so I need to go lie down.

I do think, though, that you are trying to cope with an awful lot on your own. I'm sure you are a strong young woman in many ways but no one is that strong. I really think you need to try to (1) make your boyfriend understand how much stress and distress you are struggling with, and (2) to find a way to get some counselling.

I'm sorry to leave you like this - I do hope you'll come back again, even if it's just to vent a bit... sometimes that helps. But I also hope you'll think about what I've suggested. You don't need to be superwoman and you don't need to keep feeling the way you do now.

Take care...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi, Rusaalka...

I'm just following up on you previous posts. Were you able to have a talk with your boyfriend about all this? How have you been doing?

 

[Rusaalka]

we have talked about it, yes..

I was having one of the infamous anxiety/asthma attacks the night before last, and he did what he could to comfort me(hes not used to being around tha tkind of thing). but i did some soul-searching after having talked about it with you and analyzed it a little; and then after this anxiety attack i did some digging to tell brandon why i am so upset about it, and tell myself.
i dont think that my opinion is totally invalid, or that it is something i should not think- but that it is causing me more grief than an opinion should to its owner...and now hurting my relationship. my boyfriend is a good person, i just have some scars to tend to. i cant treat him this way because i have known males who arent so great.

however, he did take something i said during my "digging" session personally, which i did not intend to be an insult- and he walked out of the room while i was talking and sobbing. it was extremely rude, well beyond that to someone in the condition i was in. i explained it to him and i thnk he felt sorry, but that was a very hurtful gesture. as far as im concerned, we are now even on unnessicary pain infliction!

so maybe we can start fresh.

he seems much less interested than he used to be though. but i have two ideas on why it could be that way. 1) he is trying his hardest to be respectful-he doesnt know if anything he says is going to set me off furious or make me start crying. 2) he keeps his distance because he isnt really used to dealing with/being around someone with mental...irregularities, haha. but he does try. and he puts up with a lot of undeserved nagging when i get angry.

so, i have continuously tried self therapy, i dont expect my imbalances will go away, but i do think there are some things that i did to myself that maybe i can heal as well. in knowing that there is something else i want than the angst in this situation, i have motivation to ease myself through tough times. i have never been faced with something so hard. i always say im going to let it go, and cant do it. something sets me off and i lose all care. but i have been a little better since i realized why i feel this way, and i have actually been able to be in a very good mood; so maybe i can actually scratch one off the list.

but i guarantee you, i will be here to talk...i have a lifetimes worth of things to complain about.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

however, he did take something i said during my "digging" session personally, which i did not intend to be an insult- and he walked out of the room while i was talking and sobbing. it was extremely rude, well beyond that to someone in the condition i was in. i explained it to him and i thnk he felt sorry, but that was a very hurtful gesture. as far as im concerned, we are now even on unnessicary pain infliction!

so maybe we can start fresh.

he seems much less interested than he used to be though. but i have two ideas on why it could be that way. 1) he is trying his hardest to be respectful-he doesnt know if anything he says is going to set me off furious or make me start crying. 2) he keeps his distance because he isnt really used to dealing with/being around someone with mental...irregularities, haha. but he does try. and he puts up with a lot of undeserved nagging when i get angry.

Your ideas are probably close to the truth. Among other things, I do quit a bit of work with couples and both of your "ideas" are often at the root of distane and communication problems between couples.

It would be helpful for you to explain to your boyfriend that at such times you are expressing your feelings to home - that often, perhaps usually, means (1) he isn't required to fix anything or to say anything or to do anything at all except listen and try to understand; and (2) that you aren't intending to attack him, even if your words may be intense and emotional. This requires an effort on your part to learn about his triggers and try to find ways of expressing yourself that are less likely to be threatening to him, and an effort on his part to listen less "personally", to understand that at that moment it's about you not him.

but i guarantee you, i will be here to talk...i have a lifetimes worth of things to complain about.

good - that's at least partly why this place exists )