• Quote of the Day
    "Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all."
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Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
Firstly, I’d like to say, if this post is deemed not appropriate, then please feel free to delete me and ban me from the site. This is not intended as a guilt trip, as I fully understood the terms on joining this forum, and I would not feel at justice otherwise.

Secondly, I desperately need help. I posted on another forum, but it got deleted because of my age (I’m 16). I don’t know who or how to ask for help. I find it extremely difficult to trust people. I’m not exactly sure where to post this. For the past two weeks, I’ve been cutting myself nearly every day, something that I don’t normally do on a day-to-day basis. So what happened to make me do all this? What I will write now, will probably not be the best of reasons, but I would hate to acknowledge it could have been merely the fact that I acted stupidly on impulse.

I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.

It feels like I've been persecuted at school. Teachers don't recognise some of my capabilities and cast a blind eye over me. It is the disruptive pupils who get all the attention! How fair is that, I wonder? What must I do to get myself noticed? Scream until my lungs burst? Sometimes I can dislike teachers so much. On top of that, the school work is escalating and getting more confusing. School is not the best environments for some people. Also, I’m living in my sister’s shadow – everything I do is a failure compared to her.

All I want to do is to help someone. That would make me satisfied, it would make me feel like I've accomplished something major. I save up money for charity, I help my family out, yet that doesn't seem to be enough for me. Then I find, with all this, I'm being used by some friends; they only call me if they want something, never for a friendly chat. I want to help people, but I find that I don't have the words. Never had. I'm always thought of as the silent one. The silent ones can somehow merge into the background with no chance of really being noticed.

For that reason, I'm alone. I always have to make the effort to talk to people, and understandably, one just gives up sometimes. Without the practice with talking, I sometimes stumble over words and feel awkward and inadequate; this draws me into deeper silence for fear of blundering. With all the frustration going through my head, I know that you can't reach the rainbow if you don't face the rain. So if I'm going to get anywhere in life, I'm just going to have to try that much harder. But what must I do to reach that goal? Loneliness taps at the heart of my existence. It's a brutal force; one in which succeeds to tear at my soul and destroy it whole.

Then there are major arguments. I resort to sitting in the car reading my book, whilst they cool it. But do you know what, I was totally confident at myself – I had played everything through my head before it even occurred, so I knew just how I could deal with it as it had already happened in my mind. I wasn’t scared. I would only go back up when my mom came down to fetch me, and she did. After the event, I’m blamed myself, because if I hadn’t had an image in my mind of what was going to take place, then it might have been prevented. Now, because I’m slightly more positive, I’m wondering if it was the inevitable anyway. Therefore, by the end of the day, the confidence I had gained was now crushed into fuming embers in my heart.

And then there are other things that I can’t even talk about and that’s making me feel severely down in the dumps all the time. My dad is just so annoying all the time. I can’t stand hearing him speak to me, it’s now got to the point where I’m yelling at myself in my head, just to rid of his noise. I spoke to my best teacher and she said that she was going to ask around to see if I can get professional guidance. Everything has got progressively worse; the longer I thought I could deal with it on my own, the more time could warp and perplex my mind.

I don't believe I'm ill, even though I may have the odd suicidal thought, or feel low for a long period. Rest assured, I have too many links; I would feel guilty for one suffering that would cause even more distress. I know one might think, how can you feel the guilt if you're gone? But I can, every day, a day I survive, amounts to a lot of guilt; guilt that will remain for the rest of my life. Will I forever have to linger?

I know I shouldn’t be complaining as there are people worse off than me. I do know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I feel bad that I cannot cope as well as others can. I’m not sure how to get help.

Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it was so long.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
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Messages
37,954
Points
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Enigma said:
I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless. I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.
There are so many things in your post, Enigma, that it's hard to know where to start -- I am not going to even try to suggest a diagnosis but there are hints of anxiety, anger, suppressed/repressed feelings, and more... seeing a therapist would be an excellent start. You have a lot to sort out and the fact that you are now cutting every day is a reflection of how much you have bottled up inside you -- feelings and thoughts and fears -- that you cannot express or don't feel you can express any othe way. Let that teacher you mentioned help you find a therapist and then take a chance and go see him or her. It isn't a quick fix and it is often difficult work but in the end you will wonder why it took you so long to get started...
 

Bo

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
20
Points
1
Hi Enigma,

I won't tell you that I know how you feel; sometimes that's just insulting. I will, however, say that you sound like a kindred spirit.

When I was 17, I was pretty suicidal. I would think about all the ways I could leave this world. Then, I would think about the aftermath. I would remember that any way that I killed myself in my home, my Dad would be the one to find me (single parent family). I would always feel guilty about that idea. I would think about doing it somewhere else then, but what if I was never found, or never identified? Again, that seemed like a horrible thing to do to everybody. Basically what stopped me from trying to hurt myself, or worse, was the fact that I was too screwed up to do it! I anticipated the guilt, and felt the burden of that guilt, even when I hadn't done anything!

My own friendships, and relationships, were centered around a certain "knight in shining armour" behaviour, where I would try to help people through the things going on in their lives. My first piece of advice: STOP THAT! I hate to say it, but you've got to take care of you first. And, in the state you're in, you really shouldn't line yourself up for any disappointment. Believe me, if you tried to help 10 people, and you successfully helped 9 of them, wouldn't you obsess over the one that got away? I used to.

Follow Dr. Baxter's advice; find a therapist, or someone you can talk to. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they'll only make things much worse.

**Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, not a health professional at all, and my advice should always be taken as a suggestion only!*** The biggest suggestion I can offer you: when you do find someone to talk to, don't tell them about the cutting right away. Since that is the most prominent symptom of your issues, that is the one that they will focus on. I advise that you work up to it, otherwise your therapist may lose track of what's bothering you, and they'll focus on what's bothering them.

Also, I suggest you keep a diary, or a stream-of-consiousness book. You have a poetic side in your posts, perhaps you'll find some peace from within?

Hang in there. Life doesn't always get better, but it always gets... different. It's worth seeing.
 

sammy

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2004
Messages
113
Points
18
Hey, Enigma...
I was going to suggest you wrote in a journal, and maybe wrote poetry...then I see Bo has noticed too... you do have a poetic way with words, writing may be a gift that you have...
don't worry...as you get older, they will come out more naturally with people in speech...

It would be good if you can get some kind of professional guidance, or therapy, maybe through the teacher...
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
David Baxter said:
Let that teacher you mentioned help you find a therapist and then take a chance and go see him or her. It isn't a quick fix and it is often difficult work but in the end you will wonder why it took you so long to get started...

She hasn't got very far in helping me. I know that teachers are very busy so I don't like to bother them. If I did find a therapist, would my parents have to know? Seeing as I'm 16, and live in England, I wouldn't know where to start.

Bo said:
I won't tell you that I know how you feel; sometimes that's just insulting.

Bo, thank you for being so understanding.

Bo said:
Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they'll only make things much worse.

I hate the taste of alcohol, I find it difficult to swallow things, and as for smoking, well, I hate the smell - not a lot of use they would be anyway!

Bo said:
The biggest suggestion I can offer you: when you do find someone to talk to, don't tell them about the cutting right away. Since that is the most prominent symptom of your issues, that is the one that they will focus on. I advise that you work up to it, otherwise your therapist may lose track of what's bothering you, and they'll focus on what's bothering them.

That's excellent advice - I hadn't thought of that, and thinking about it, what you mentioned seems very true.

sammy said:
I was going to suggest you wrote in a journal, and maybe wrote poetry...then I see Bo has noticed too... you do have a poetic way with words, writing may be a gift that you have...
don't worry...as you get older, they will come out more naturally with people in speech...

I used to write a journal but I got upset everytime I went back to read it. I do write poetry, but I'm never satisfied with what I write - something is always not right, perhaps the rhythm or that it sounds too common. I only hope that as I get older speech will become more natural. But if I hope too much and it never happens, I'll feel so shattered.

Maybe I should erase my memory and start all again.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,954
Points
113
I don't know how things work in the UK, Enigma, but some of the other members here may be able to help you with that -- I'll see what I can find out too.
 

^^Phoenix^^

Member
Joined
Mar 28, 2004
Messages
656
Points
16
Hi Enigma

I am a psychological student in southampton and will attempt to find out some information on free counselling. I know that there are organisations, such as 'Relate' that offer free services and your parents will not need to be informed. Your only issue would be getting yourself to and from sessions.
Give me a day or two to poke around, and I will re-post.

Other than information, I just wanted to say (and the cliché annoys me too) but..... you do remind me of myself, your not alone, and.... all good artists can't stand there work most of the time!! ;)

Speak soon
Robs
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
Thank you both. I don't mean to be a bother but your help is appreciated a lot.
 

^^Phoenix^^

Member
Joined
Mar 28, 2004
Messages
656
Points
16
Hi Enigma, me again!

ok, firstly... its no bother.
secondly; here is some information that may be able to help. It is a little difficult to find free counceling, as I do not know your exact circumstances or location, (don't put it down though, for your own safety, ofcourse ;))
but here are the following:

http://www.relate.org.uk/ - mainly used for relationship issues.

http://www.bacp.co.uk/ - you are able to find counceling services here, but I don't think that these councelers will offer a free service. (not often, but it is worth a try)

http://www.bps.org.uk/findpsychologist/psychoindex2.cfm - The BPS is the British Psychological Society, and they have a page on their site that will help you find a therapist, again, most of these psychologists are not government funded.

http://www.youth2youth.co.uk/ - youth2youth offers online help from youth to youth.

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/youngpeople/index.php - another online service with a search engine.

There are also the options of school counsellors, and your doctor should be able to put you intouch with services in your area.

I hope this helps. I am watching this topic now, so if you have any problems, post again and I will look for some more.

Good luck mate!

Robs
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
Hi Robin,

Thank you so much for finding something for me so quickly. I thought I was going to explode! I will look through the websites you have posted. I'm not sure if I want to go through my doctor though - I hardly talk when I see him anyway, and I can only get there with my parents. Thank you for your help once again.

Always grateful,
-Enigma
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
This is what they teach me
This is how I feel
This is but the alphabet
This is what is real.

Alone
Broken
Careless
Destructive
Empty
Failing
Grounded
Hopeless
Insomniac
Jeered
Kind
Lost
Missing
Nothingness
Ominous
Pained
Qualm
Regretting
Sorrowful
Tainted
Used
Vexed
Wounded
Xeno-
Youthful
Zany

They fail to understand
They can’t see through my skin
They never seem to notice
They lost me to the wind.


I didn't want to start a new topic. I just feel so on edge today.
 

Laurie

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
71
Points
6
Dear Enigma,
It is so nice to meet you. My heart goes out to you –truly. I wish I were a counselor and could help you. Maybe I can just talk to you?
I work at a college and many students come to me with their problems and concerns. I usually ask them lots of questions about the things they are telling me and sometimes it helps them. I realize though, we are all different and have different needs. I would love to ask you some questions but if you would like me not to, please tell me. If you don’t want to answer, or know the answer,that’s ok too. Maybe there isn't one right now. But if you’re comfortable sharing your thoughts with me, I would love that. I must also agree with the others, you are a very good writer. I noticed immediately. :)
I hope this is not insulting to you for me to share some similar behaviour and feelings I have had in the past. Please let me know if I offend you in any way as I wish only to help.
I don't know how I feel sometimes. I guess lost would be the best word to describe it. I think too deeply and occasionally my thoughts get mixed up - that's when there is trouble. When I do feel low, I don't feel like that for long, but usually that's long enough for me to do something reckless.
The word ‘lost’ makes me think of when I feel like I’m all alone and don’t belong anywhere. Do you feel that way sometimes?
I, too, pursue or engage in terribly destructive behaviour to my health/well-being when I get really down or upset or scared. I am not sure what sometimes stops me (most of the time now) except maybe realizing after doing this many, many times that where this behaviour leads is not where I want to go and it did not make me feel better or resolve anything or get me any help. Then I ask myself, what do I ‘think’ this action will do for me? Distract me from my current misery? Get attention from someone so they will notice I’m miserable and don’t know how to help myself and then they will help me and show me how to fix this and it will all be over? When you are thinking of cutting yourself or anything else, can you put into words what you think this will do for you? I know that I was (and sometimes still will be) so desperate for a change or a way out of my current situation that I will try anything to get me out of it. Because anything is better than what I am currently enduring.
I need a way of calming myself down before it's too late. I do take deep breaths, but even so, sometimes that is not sufficient. I also get chest tightness at times. I'm trying my best to deal with this but I believe that only I can sort myself out; no shrink, only me. Okay, I know I may be stubborn but no one can change my frame of mind. That's the way it has to be, I'm afraid. I'm always afraid, scared of every little thing. However, a possibility I may consider is seeing a therapist to help me talk more (not talking is one of my problems). My parents know nothing. I hate to burden and hurt people with what I say.
I also, have never been to a therapist. I feel like I cannot talk to strangers about things so personal and I do not trust people. Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy huh? I also think “I’m not going to pay someone to listen to me complain…” I agree with you, I think a therapist could help us learn how to ‘let it out’. But until I do, I have to say that I’m so grateful for finding this site and the people seem so genuine and caring that I think it has helped me say things I’ve kept inside for years. For me, I feel safe here and accepted. These things are very important to me. I hope you are comforted in your own way by this resource as well. What do you think so far?
But I must also urge you to try to find a ‘live’ therapist. If this web site can help people like you and me, can you imagine finding a live person who can do it? Wouldn’t that be great?
All I want to do is to help someone.
How would you like to help someone? At school? At home? A friend? What would be the perfect situation for helping someone?
I too, find value for myself when I can help someone. I would never have dreamed that my challenges and struggles that I have had to face would empower me to help others with the same or similar struggles. I meet students at work that I have never spoken to before all the time, but it never ceases to amaze me how someone will be having problems with something and just happen to mention it to me and it will be something I have struggled with too. Maybe when your situation gets better and you learn what helped you, you will have a friend come to you for help and you will be able to help them as well.
I know I shouldn’t be complaining as there are people worse off than me. I do know I shouldn’t be comparing, but I feel bad that I cannot cope as well as others can. I’m not sure how to get help.
I just have to say that you are just as important as everyone else. Please don’t think that people who don’t talk about their struggles and challenges are coping fine. Many of them just aren’t facing it like you are, or won’t even admit there is something they need to do better to be happy. What you are doing is so good and healthy. I am so glad you are doing it.
Speaking of happiness, if you could have anything in the world, any kind of life, job, hobby, lifestyle, anything at all - what would that be?
Thank you for reading, and I’m sorry it was so long.
I am just a person in another country but I am so privileged to read what you have written. I would love to read more if you feel like writing more.
I will go for now for fear of being too presumptious with all my questions and comments. I truly hope things get better for you soon.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
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Messages
37,954
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I feel grateful and very proud of everyone who has posted here in this thread... this epitomizes what I wanted this forum to be about... people listening to and helping other people... and people feeling safe enough to talk about what frightens and worries them.
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
David Baxter said:
I feel grateful and very proud of everyone who has posted here in this thread... this epitomizes what I wanted this forum to be about... people listening to and helping other people... and people feeling safe enough to talk about what frightens and worries them.

Yes, I would like to use this opportunity to thank everyone who has posted with useful advice. At the other forum I was a member of, most people were only interested in getting their post count higher and not on the quality of their post. They told me what they thought I wanted to hear, but I specifically told them not to, so in effect they were not listening and helping - I only felt worse. However, here, as you quite rightly said, I feel more safe and comfortable. Thank you all.

Laurie, thank you for your post, I really appreciate it. I will reply soon, but tonight I have lots of homework to do.
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
Well, this week I have a break from school, and now it's Thursday. I’ve just realized that I’ve got so much homework and coursework to do and I go back to school on Monday! I’m working so slowly, but I can’t help that as I like all my work to be good – well, who doesn’t?!

I don't know what to do. I feel so stressed and pressured. Things are welling up inside again. And I'm not helping anyone, but I want to.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,954
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113
Enigma, the best strategy here is to break things down into manageable chunks, and then to do what you can do today on at least one of those chunks, trying to focus on the progress you are making rather than on how much is left to do.

It's understandable that you want to do good work but try to keep in mind that doesn't mean perfect work -- try to keep that in mind as you work. No matter how much work and time you put into something, you will probably always feel that it could be better, but is it necessary that it be better? If you are writing an essay, it is just that - an essay - not a novel or your life's work.

Look at the list of assignments and studying you have to do and try to priorize them according to how much the assignements are worth. Then, given how much time you have left to do them, see if you can divide up the time proprotionally to the value of the marks each assignment is worth.
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
David Baxter said:
Then, given how much time you have left to do them, see if you can divide up the time proprotionally to the value of the marks each assignment is worth.

That's exactly my problem. I have an assignment that's split up into two tasks and altogether worth 24 marks...how much have I done? Pages and pages and I've not yet finished. It seems that the amount of work I put into something is just not worth the number of marks and I end up feeling so frustrated. If I did less, then I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get top marks. I always try to get top marks, and seeing as it counts towards my exam, it seems reasonable.
 

Enigma

Member
Joined
Oct 15, 2004
Messages
50
Points
6
Robin Baxter said:
http://www.relate.org.uk/ - mainly used for relationship issues.

http://www.bacp.co.uk/ - you are able to find counceling services here, but I don't think that these councelers will offer a free service. (not often, but it is worth a try)

http://www.bps.org.uk/findpsychologist/psychoindex2.cfm - The BPS is the British Psychological Society, and they have a page on their site that will help you find a therapist, again, most of these psychologists are not government funded.

http://www.youth2youth.co.uk/ - youth2youth offers online help from youth to youth.

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/youngpeople/index.php - another online service with a search engine.

Thanks Robin, I found relate website really useful and even found that they are quite nearby! I'm not too sure about the sites run by young people - I haven't had very good experiences with that.

However, when I go back to school, my teacher is finding me a school counsellor to talk to - I'm a bit wary about this - I'll have to wait and see, but do you think it's a good idea talking to someone at school?
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,954
Points
113
Enigma said:
If I did less, then I know for sure I wouldn't be able to get top marks. I always try to get top marks, and seeing as it counts towards my exam, it seems reasonable.
No, you don't know for sure... you just think all that work is necessary but believe me it isn't.

I have taught at the university level for a number of years. Not infrequently, I see students writing a 5-10 essay on an exam or for a term paper when the question was answered in the first 2 or 3 pages. At that point, the student already has an A. To be honest, sometimes I stop reading at that point.

You're almost certainly doing much more work than is required.
 

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