Verbal fighting on a forum

[sunset]

I belong to a womans forum and yesterday I had an online fight with a couple other people. I usually stay away from the troublemakers, trolls, and dont like conflict.
The exception to this was when a nice poster said she was calling 911 and would update later, a nasty poster came back and said some pretty nasty things, like I hate when they do this, and if they have time to write that, then they can say what the emergency is..(That was the idea, but said much nastier) This "woman" is ALWAYS rude, and this time I didnt let it slide. I told her she was nasty and if she had nothing good to say, then say nothing. I also said you can make a point without being nasty, and it would go a lot further. Fell on deaf ears.
This went on all morning!!
I have a tendency to root for the underdog, and I usually get beat up because of it. The nasty one said she was getting a lot of private emails saying she did nothing wrong, and I replied I had plenty of people telling me they agree that she was nasty. Seems like the nasty clique all jump on one person and attack, and then they make snide comments bringing it up in other posts. Very childish!! I feel like I am dealing with Jr high kids.
The lady who posted about calling 911, sent me a pm and thanked me for sticking up for her , and now knows who is a friend, and who isnt.

How involved do you all get on forums? I am thinking of not posting there anymore, because it is not worth the hassle, and why waste time dealing with people I simply dont like?

I LOVE this forum, because everyone is entitled to an opinion, without being crucified, but also are mature enough to discuss things with respect to others.

How would you all have handled it? I normally would have just skipped over it, but I knew someone had to say what was right, and not let this person get away with it.

 

[Retired]

Sunset,

IMO your experience say more about the inability of that forum's administrators to maintain order than your feeling the frustration of being flamed.

Having participated in and moderated various forums for over fifteen years, I have learned that a forum community is no different from the community in which we live. There has to be rules, and good order enforced by a dedicated forum staff. Furthermore forum members need to respect each other's point of view even if they disagree.

Have you considered writing a note expressing your concerns to the forum administrator? Is this type of behaviour typical of this forum?

If it is, I would lobby the admin to tighten up the enforcement of good order, especially if you have a circle of friends there and like the subjects discussed.

However, when it comes right down to it, I believe forum participation should be for fun and enjoyment. When it stops being fun, it's time to move on.

 

[sunset]

Thank You Steve.. I agree that if its not fun anymore I should move on, which is where I am at right now..
I will do what you suggested and write to the admin people. It used to be a nice forum, but has got progressively worse, with the nasty people dominating. Other nice people are afraid to say anything because they will be attacked! These people can be vicious at times, and it really bugs me. My reaction is fight, and give em a taste of their own nastiness, but I dont like being that kind of person. I want peace!

 

[Retired]

Sunset,

Verbal abuse or so called "flaming" on an online interactive venue is seldom productive and rarely influences those who engage in it.

The internet provides a cloak of protection to those who would never, in a face to face situation, engage in this type of behaviour.

For some reason the internet empowers these people to abuse others, probably because they feel their victims cannot retaliate.

It ends up to be a "spitting contest" which has no winner and ends up with the good guys wiping spit off their face. :yuk:

I hope for you the forum admin is a responsible person, and responds favorably to your comments. If not, you are quite right about moving on.

 

[sister-ray]

Sunset,

TSOW has given you some sound advice there. Ive been on the net for several years and spend alot of time on various boards, things like you have experinced have happened quite a bit, I tend to leave for a short while, walk away from it, have a break, It depends on how much you like the forum as to whether its worth sorting it out, and whether you should leave completely, a yes stand up for yourself and be assertive but dont let it become a problem where it causes you stress and worry when your away from your computer. When I first came on the net if anything kicked off I would lie awake worrying about it all and make myself ill, I dont do that now its not worth it. Hope this helps

 

[sunset]

Well, I have tried to contact the admin, but it said it was blocked.. What on earth does that mean??
Anyway, I am lurking on the site, and its slow. I think most people are afraid to even bring anything up, for fear of an onslaught of nastiness.

I told my T about it last night, and he was laughing, and said Now You are fighting with strangers on a forum? He said, What am I going to do with you? LOL. He said its my need to take care of others, which is probably why I lashed out to defend this lady. Probably true, but I am tired of these nasty people just spewing hatred and no one does nothing about it. But heaven forbid you say something they dont like, and they are like ants on sugar.

Sunset,

TSOW has given you some sound advice there. Ive been on the net for several years and spend alot of time on various boards, things like you have experinced have happened quite a bit, I tend to leave for a short while, walk away from it, have a break, It depends on how much you like the forum as to whether its worth sorting it out, and whether you should leave completely, a yes stand up for yourself and be assertive but dont let it become a problem where it causes you stress and worry when your away from your computer. When I first came on the net if anything kicked off I would lie awake worrying about it all and make myself ill, I dont do that now its not worth it. Hope this helps

Thank you for your input! I have done what you said, and left the forum for a few days, and came back on. I think this has been building up in me, and I had enough. I agree its not worth my time getting upset over, and if it continues, I will just spend my time somewhere else... Not worth losing :zzz:

 

[Halo]

Sunset,

I have to agree with a lot of what TSOW and TTE have said and I know that I would have handled the situation the same way. There is no need for angry outbursts and hatred to be directed towards another person whether it be in real life or on a forum. I think you did well in sticking up for this woman and I am only sorry that it had to happen in the first place. I too wonder where the admin is during all this :rolleyes.

I think you are making a good decision on taking a few days away from there and if it continues then walking may be what is best. The most important thing is that you do what is best for you and take care of yourself first. YOU are the most important person.

Take care
:hug:

 

[sunset]

Thank You Nancy. I appreciate what you wrote.


I just dont feel good about the place anymore. There are a few people I will stay in touch with through email, but I cant deal with the nastiness. It drags me down, and I am trying to pick myself up.
I just wish more people would stand up for whats right, and maybe the trolls would leave.. I know that is not how it works in the real world, but nevertheless, I still wish it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just dont feel good about the place anymore. There are a few people I will stay in touch with through email, but I cant deal with the nastiness. It drags me down, and I am trying to pick myself up.

I think that's a good decision for you. If a place is making you feel bad and not good then it's not good for you. I recently left a forum because of the same things and I hadn't even posted there for awhile, was still just reading, but there were no guidelines and people were being attacked just for regular posting about their kids or job or whatever. It was horrible and made me feel very bad.

I can really relate.

:hug:

 

[Retired]

I have tried to contact the admin, but it said it was blocked.. What on earth does that mean??

Sounds like the admins don't give a hoot!

IMO any forum worth its salt has an open and free dialogue between its members and the forum staff, as the staff needs members' input to be able to respond to their needs.

A forum is about its members, and not to further the agenda of its administrators. If the administrators are not interested in the concerns of their members, I would have doubts about the integrity of the forum.

 

[sunset]

Thx Janet. Sorry you can relate to it though. I guess people feel "'safe" to attack others when they are hiding behind a computer screen.
Once I change jobs, I wont have time to be on a forum anyway, so I may as well get used to it.. Or I can hang out here in the meantime. Its a lot nicer here.

 

[Retired]

Or I can hang out here in the meantime. .

And we would be pleased to have your continued participation.

Its a lot nicer here

It all has to do with our Forum members

 

[ThatLady]

If the things some people say on forums really bother you, it's best to stay away, in my opinion. Sometimes, it's hard not to let things like that get to you; yet, if you do let them get to you, you're only increasing your own anxiety and discomfort. It's just not worth it, as I see it.

Unless a forum is VERY WELL moderated, you're going to have posters who give no care to the feelings of others. If someone says they're going to call 911 and doesn't tell me why, I figure it's none of my business why! My answer would be to definitely make that call if you feel it's something you need to do. Then, I'd leave it at that. I'm not entitled to be privy to everything that happens in another person's life.

As to how you handle that sort of thing, if the forum is moderated report the hurtful post to a moderator and the administrator. Tell them why you feel the post is out of line. If they act on it, you can bet you've found a good forum that cares about posters. While the effective moderator/administrator may not agree with your assessment of the situation, if they don't they'll explain why their opinion differs. Otherwise, they'll act to remove the post, or edit it for hurtful content. Depending on how many people are available to moderate/administrate, this reaction may not be immediate; however, it should be timely.

That's how I judge a forum, and how I react to "trolls" or other types of hurtful posters. It's worked for me. Also, I don't tend to take things personally. Everyone has a bad day. It's when the same person always has "bad days" that I put a plan into action.

Hope that helps.

 

[sunset]

And we would be pleased to have your continued participation.



It all has to do with our Forum members

Awwww, Thank You Steve! :hug:

If the things some people say on forums really bother you, it's best to stay away, in my opinion. Sometimes, it's hard not to let things like that get to you; yet, if you do let them get to you, you're only increasing your own anxiety and discomfort. It's just not worth it, as I see it.

Unless a forum is VERY WELL moderated, you're going to have posters who give no care to the feelings of others. If someone says they're going to call 911 and doesn't tell me why, I figure it's none of my business why! My answer would be to definitely make that call if you feel it's something you need to do. Then, I'd leave it at that. I'm not entitled to be privy to everything that happens in another person's life.

As to how you handle that sort of thing, if the forum is moderated report the hurtful post to a moderator and the administrator. Tell them why you feel the post is out of line. If they act on it, you can bet you've found a good forum that cares about posters. While the effective moderator/administrator may not agree with your assessment of the situation, if they don't they'll explain why their opinion differs. Otherwise, they'll act to remove the post, or edit it for hurtful content. Depending on how many people are available to moderate/administrate, this reaction may not be immediate; however, it should be timely.

That's how I judge a forum, and how I react to "trolls" or other types of hurtful posters. It's worked for me. Also, I don't tend to take things personally. Everyone has a bad day. It's when the same person always has "bad days" that I put a plan into action.

Hope that helps.

Yes, it helps and thank you for your response. I think Steve said the mods probably dont care since I am blocked from contacting them. And like you said, thats a good indication that I am probably not on a good forum. I think its more of an addiction and habit than anything else. I need to replace that habit with a good one! You have 4 or 5 people who are always rude and nasty and its like a cancer in the forum. NO ONE speaks up and when one of us finally does speak up, they all jump on you.