• Quote of the Day
    "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived,
    and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."
    The Buddha, posted by David Baxter

Cavi

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2006
Messages
416
Points
16
This is more of a rant than asking for advice but this is the only place I have to write it out where I can look at it and make sense out of it if thats possible....I am really struggling to keep my head above water...Some of you know that K and I have been together almost 25 years and in the beginning of our relationship it was sexual...We did everything as if we were married...

The sexual part of our relationship ended a long time ago but even tho we don't say we are married, we still behave as if we are...We do everything together, eat together etc...We do sleep in separate rooms now...Today K had to come home from work for a few hours and I wanted the car for awhile so I toook her back to work...I told her I was going to eat lunch out and she asked what we were going to do for supper...I said that I didn't want anything and she replied with oh well what about me...I am tired of feeling like I am married to K...I am tired of worrying about what were going to have for supper...another words I don't want to take care of K anymore...I am struggling with this eating disorder and finding it really hard to take care of myself let alone trying to take care of K...If I don't eat with K, she won't eat and her blood sugar has dropped and shes gotten sick from not eating...I feel like I am respondsible for taking care of her and than feel guilty for wanting to be separate from K...I know some how or another which I haven't figured out how, but I am wrong for feeling this way...I want to be free, free of feeling respondsible for a 67 year old woman...I don't work and don't help with any of the bills so I feel like I owe K by cooking her supper...But she won't tell me what she wants to eat so its up to me to decide...Ok here comes the tears because I know what I am feeling is wrong...I should be grateful for the fact that K does all she does for me as far as material things...but there is days I can't help feel like there is a noose around my neck and its getting tighter...

I know I'm being selfish for wanting to only have to worry about me...RIMH

I messed up...I messed up big time...Its my own fault I'm in this mess...I have no-one to blame but me...I made the choices I made out of fear and I am still terrified...RIMH
 
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David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
38,319
Points
113
No, your thinking isn't wrong, your feelings aren't wrong - they are what they are and you need to pay attention to them. You are feeling trapped in a relationship that, from what you have said previously, feels intrusive, controlling, and abusive. Why would you not be thinking about ending it under such circumstances?

Whatever you feel you may "owe" to K, what do you owe to you? How much of a life do you deserve?
 

Cavi

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2006
Messages
416
Points
16
Dr. Baxter...I stay out of fear...Fear that has been with me for years...I see my T Thursday, were going to have alot to talk about...RIMH
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
Messages
8,529
Points
48
I hope you're able to discuss your fears with your therapist. I'm sorry that you're afraid. That's a hard spot to be in.
 

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