• Quote of the Day
    "Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all."
    Emily Dickinson, posted by Daniel

hatman

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My wife has been acting distant for a few days, so on thursday I almost forced it out of her. She said that she feels the need to separate because she's not where she wants to be right now. We have 2 kids 12 & 19. She said that when she went to the OBGYN for her yearly exam, something just snapped in her head, and she suddenly got all of these feelings. She is 47, I'm 42, and I'm praying it is a hormone thing (pre-menopause). I am devistated! I'm having anxiety and panic attacks hourly, and can't seem to think of anything else, except that my marraige and my family is gone, I feel like someone died. She went to see a counsoler to talk about her feelings, I'm so afraid that they will only validate them. I called the same counsoler to set up a time for me to come in and talk about what I'm going through, but haven't heard back from her. I feel so lost and confused, we have had a pretty good life together, our share of ups and downs, but we have gone to couples counciling and worked it out. Now it feels like she just wants out. I don't know what to do.
 

ThatLady

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If she's seeing a counsellor, that's a good thing, hon. Hopefully, if the counsellor deems it appropriate, an appointment will be arranged for you, or for you and your wife together (if your wife is ready to take that step). I can imagine how you're feeling right now, and you do need help to deal with it. If your wife's counsellor doesn't call you, ask your family doctor for a referral to another counselor to whom you can talk.

Your wife might be experiencing the effects of changing hormones. It's a real possibility. There also may be other issues to resolve. Just keep the lines of communication open between the two of you (as much as you can) and get some help for yourself.

Good luck with all of this. I know how difficult it can be.

Hugs to you.
 

hatman

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Thanks for the reply, I have an appointment to see the councilor today. I saw my doctor today for the severe anxiety and he gave me a rx for Adavan. I just don't know what to do or say to try to keep us together, I really love her! I'm trying to stay positive, but my heart is torn apart, one day we're laughing, the next day she tells me that she thinks it would be a good idea if she moves out on her own. Is her unhappiness my fault? or is it just an emotional overload from the pressures of work and life? I feel so lost and hopeless.
 

David Baxter

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It's hard to say, hatman. It may not even be about you at all... maybe it's about her.

Your appointment tomorrow may help you to get some perspective on this -- I take it this is the same counsellor that your wife saw?
 

ThatLady

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I don't believe that anyone can take credit for anyone else's unhappiness, hon. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It's hard to say what's causing your wife's unhappiness, as we know nothing about her life, stresses, support system (friends, family, etc.). However, if she's unhappy, it cannot be all your fault.

I do hope the counsellor you're seeing will be able to help you sort things out a bit. You, just like your wife, must take responsibility for your own feelings and happiness. The counsellor should be able to help you begin to work things out.

Good luck, and a big hug, hon.
 

hatman

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Just an update on my situation, we have met with the councelor individually, and as a couple. My wife has been taking Ativan since December for sleep at night, and my doctor put me on it for anxiety. I have a funny feeling that the Ativan may be causing some of what my wife is feeling. We have had bad spots before but we always seem to be able to pull through it. Now she said feels trapped in the relationship, and that she is afraid of being intimate with me. I am feeling better, and trying to maintain a positive outlook. I'm doing 30min. on the treadmill every day and eating better, I'm trying to loose about 25 pounds. I still am very worried that the woman I spent 15 years with has lost her feelings for me, and that's a tough pill to swallow. She feels guilty about wanting to leave the family, she said that I am such a good father that our youngest son(12) should stay with me. She is very conflicted about the whole thing. I'm feeling neglected,dejected, and rejected.
My big question is how should I deal with her? I want to be close to her, but she shuns the attention most of the time, however sometimes she will snuggle up to me in bed, and let me rub her back. She says she doesn't want to send a mixed message, but I'm about as confused as a guy can get.
Just a little background on me, I was sexually abused at about 10 by an older non-relative teenager, I suffer from undiagnosed OCD, and probably a little ADD, but I've manager to get through life so far.
 

David Baxter

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hatman said:
I have a funny feeling that the Ativan may be causing some of what my wife is feeling.
Not very likely. I suppose anything is possible, but I doubt that this is related.
 

ThatLady

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Your wife may be just working through her feelings, hon. That is a difficult time for her, and for you and others close to her. Feelings change from day to day, and moment to moment when you're in that stage of the process of healing.

I will say that Ativan has a idiosyncratic effect on me. I cannot take it. It actually tends to add to my depression. I found that Xanax was a better medication for me. It didn't have the adverse effects that Ativan had.
 

hatman

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Me again, I'm having a tough time of it, I feel really sick inside, nauseous, empty, alone. I really don't want to separate, we are staying together and trying to work it out with a councelor, I just don't think that her feelings are going to change. She feels the need to be on her own for awhile, I can't bear the thought of her leaving, I'm so afraid she'll never want to come back to me. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's really hard, I've broken down alot in the last week. How do I give her space, be emotionally supportive, and not have a nervous breakdown in the meantime. I'm really losing it today, I just have this sense of dread, like it's all over, I just want to make it right and start over, but she said her feelings have changed about me and she's not in love with me, that's so hard to hear. For years she's been insecure about our relationship, and expressed fear that I would leave her! I would never leave her, I love her so much, but I have problems expressing it.
 

David Baxter

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I can't bear the thought of her leaving, I'm so afraid she'll never want to come back to me.
The thing is, if that's in her mind, you probably can't do much to intervene. All you can do is continue to be who you are... if she loved you for that before, she may well do so again... if not, it won't help to try to become somebody else.

Ever see that old 60s-70s poster?

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."
 

David Baxter

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Clarification:

Re-reading that last post, it may sound a little heartless or unsympathetic, but that wasn't my intent. What I was trying to say is that you are you -- either she loves you for who you are and, given time to sort out her thoughts and feelings, will remember that and want to nourish the relationship or rebuild/reconstruct it in some way, or she will decide she doesn't want to.

But there isn't much you can do to alter that process because this is something she is doing and needs to do herself. You can't become someone else hoping she'll fall in love with the new you...
 

ThatLady

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Hatman, I can empathize with how you're feeling. I think most of us can. However, as Dr. Baxter said, we can't control other peoples' feelings. We can only deal with our own feelings. We can't be who we aren't, no matter how hard we try. We must be ourselves.

Your wife is, obviously, going through some changes. If she is determined to move on, there's little you can do except to take care of yourself. Sometimes, after a bit of time away from the situation, the person who leaves will realize they've made a dreadful mistake, and return. Sometimes, they won't. Yet, there's really nothing we can do to change another's decision.

Hugs, hon. I know you're hurting and I'm so very sorry.
 

hatman

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Here I am back again, well it's been a interesting couple of years, lot's of ups and downs. We spent a lot of time in therapy with a new therapist, and we seem to have worked things out, in fact we were better than ever, or so I thought. We were spending lot's of time riding motorcycles together, dinning out, movies ect., but toward the end of the fall she started sleeping in the spare room more and more, becoming distant, less sex, ect. After returning from a trip to SanDiego with her mother, she seemed very distant, then out it came again, she wants to move out and live on her own. Since my last post my mother had a complete mental break-down (summer 05) she recovered, my father got sick with cancer (Feb. 06) he died Sept. 2006, I didn't really loose it, but I stopped working out and put on 25lbs. started smoking again (I hadn't smoked in 15 years) and just quit in Dec. 2007. My business is in deep financial trouble, and I'm now on Klonopin & Celexa to sleep (alone in our bed). I really am starting to face the very real possibility that she will move out, leaving me to take care of our 14 year old son. The Classic "Walk away Wife" syndrome. She says that she has doubts (guilt?)about moving out, says she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me (too late) and really seems cunfused and conflicted. Join the club. I really want to give it a try again, working together with a Marraige Therapist rather than Psychologists and LCSW's, but as usual the person who is less interested in the relationship, holds most of the power in the relationship. I don't know how I can give her more space, I don't want to tell her to leave, even though our current situation is hell on me.
BTW we went out this weekend and had a great time, Art show and Dinner Friday, couples party at a friends house Sat.
 

Daniel

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She says that she has doubts (guilt?)about moving out, says she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me (too late) and really seems cunfused and conflicted.

Maybe that guilt/doubt will be enough incentive for her to go back to marriage counseling with you.

my father got sick with cancer (Feb. 06) he died Sept. 2006, I didn't really loose it, but I stopped working out and put on 25lbs. started smoking again (I hadn't smoked in 15 years) and just quit in Dec. 2007.

Do you think the secondary effects from the grief are continuing to impact your relationship with her?

My business is in deep financial trouble,

Of course, that can be a big stressor on any relationship. So I'm wondering if there is anything new that may be contributing to her desire (again) to separate, like the financial stress. Maybe there is a recurrence of some pre-existing issues regarding her mental health (including hormonal issues) or your mental health? Is she falling out of love because of depression or because she really just doesn't like you as much as she used to? What does she say when you ask her why she wants to move out? There certainly are more questions than answers, so I would think it's possible to motivate her again back into marriage counseling, especially if you are even willing to go by yourself if she initially refuses to go with you.
 
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sunset

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Hi Hatman.. First, welcome to the forum, and secondly, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Your wife seems very confused and probably dosent even know herself, what she wants or needs.

Maybe her moving out for a bit, would shed some light on it for her, and for you. She may come to realize that she dosent like to be alone, and that her problem may really have nothing to do with you.

Do you think she is in a rut? Maybe taking a spontanious vacation to the tropics may be a good thing. Sometimes a total break can give you some perspective.
Its also a good thing you are seeing a counselor. It shows a willingness to make things better and to have things work out. (both of you)

Some things are just out of our control. Dont beat yourself up, but build yourself up and be extra good to yourself. You didnt do anything to her. She is going through something and its up to her to work it out..
Hang in there...
 

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