Week 2

[Ashley-Kate]

Well i don't know if i told you guys but i was waiting for a phone call for a position at a job that i really wanted to get and well i have to get the phone call to know if i am selected for the interview and well they called !!! i just finished a phone interview and i am going to meet with them in 2 days for another interview in person cause they liked me and wanted to see me and meet with me in person to be able see if they like me! i am extremly stressed out but i am dealing with it fairly well i forced myself to eat cause i knew that i had to and normally my way of dealing with stress is either eating too much or not enough but i ate the super i made myself for work and everything went well! I can't wait to know if i get the job or not!!!! anyway just thought I'd let you know that I am still doing good and as of today it has been 25 days since the last time i had an eating disorder behavior.

chow for now
ashley

 

[Misha]

Good for you, Ashley!:dance:

 

[Into The Light]

i am so very proud of you ashley! fantastic work you've been doing :yahoo:

good luck on the interview

 

[Ashley-Kate]

okay not to worry everything is still doing great i am still good now going on 5 weeks, but i need a bit of help the thing is my plans have been altered and well instead of living with my brother while working i have decided to go to cegep (basically a fancy word to say college) therefor i will be living in a residence most likely with another student cause there is only double rooms left for this session. I am freaking out cause well i am going to be on my own in a way i Will still live in the same city as my brother and will probably see him at least 3 times a week if not more, but i am scared i guess its the hole thing that i know i still think of how it was as anorexic as being in control ( in a bad way) of everything of feeling like i have accomplished something that others struggle to accomplish, i am scared that my current thoughts while alone will grow and i will lose control, i know i don't want that anymore that i want to be happy and healthy and that there is help at my cegep not specialized but there is a psychologist in the cegep, but it's all the other stuff the nutritionist the that i have her that i probably won't have down there. the hole having to start over with someone new a psychologist that i don't know that may not even know much about e-ds i know i can do this but at the same time i am afraid that the stress of school and my new life will make me feel out of control and i will turn to the e-d for help!!! i know i am panicking for probably nothing but i just don't want this ( being healthy ) to end! my life is fairly balanced right now i didn't have anything to make me stress out so that may explain why i didn't relapse but now i am facing a challenge and i am scared!
ash

 

[Mari]

i am facing a challenge and i am scared!

Just saying that is a good start and knowing that you can make some plans in case the going gets rough. Cheering you on. :heart: Mari

 

[Halo]

AK,

I can understand that facing a major change can be stressful and the thought of that can make things feel like they may be out of control and you therefore want to take back the only thing you think you can control. However, I too think that it was great that you are fully aware of the stress that you are going to face as well as the challenges that you are going to have to try and counter in your head.

Remember that you do have a wide range of support system who is willing to help you including the Psychologist, your brother and as always you have us here on this forum.

Although scary, I am confident that you will do good

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks!!! it's mostly my fear dissapointing everyoen if i do relaps cause the people in my familly and my friends are expecting me to do good the automaticly see me healthy therefore they think the danger is far from me, but i know how easy it is and how tempting it still is to go back but i spare them those details cause i don't want them to worry even more especialy that i am doing good right now and if they try to supervise me even more and watch everything, as much as not help can induce relapse too much supervision can do the same and i am just afraid that i can't find any midle growned
i know that i probably will relapse one day but i am afraid that if i do it on my own and i don't have my familly there to help me get through it i will just give up!
ash

 

[Halo]

Just take it one day at a time AK and hope that each day you have a good day. Nobody is expecting or should be expecting perfection. You are human and bound to make mistakes or have bad days but it is knowing that a slip or relapse is just that....a slip and doesn't take away from all the hardwork that you have done. But again, take it one day at a time and try not to project too far into the future.

:hug:

 

[Into The Light]

i think that's good advice halo gives. take it one day at a time and don't stress yourself out over what might or might not happen in the future. should you have a hard time on any given day you can always post here

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah i know that but i amthe type of person that likes to plan ahead that likes to have everythign calculated and in order so that nothing is sudden or last minute, i don't want to arrive there and realise that i amscrewing up that i am not doing good and gthe thing is i know me and when i do screw up if i do i won't stop i won't go for help i will feel too ashamed and on top of that when you are in the behavior the hole thoughts and everythign it is very difficult to think clearly to stop yourself! i know i am strong i just Really need someone to tell me i have been there don't worry you can make it!!! like literaly i am going to be living withi some girl i don't even know i don't want my new friends my new entourage to know that i have an e-d, the reason i say i have is because yes i am in recovery yes i am doing great but i still have the thoughts the temptations the need for perfection the obsessions, and i am afraid that maybe i am still too vulnerable should i tell them that i have a disorder or should i keep to myself i know nto to tell them when we meet but if we become good friends .. do i tell them?
ash

 

[Into The Light]

what if you wrote yourself a letter? in this letter, write this from your healthy perspective all the things you know you can do should you start to have a relapse. basically be your own big sister or something make it encouraging and say those things you know would be helpful to you should you need a bit of help.

i know i am strong i just Really need someone to tell me i have been there don't worry you can make it!!!

this is one of those things you could put in there.

hope this helps

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks really that is a great idea and i will even print the letter out and frame it so put in my new residence room i will write it in english cause i am going to a french college and there is very fiew people that are completly biligual and i will put it up on my desk to remind me every day that i can do this!!1 thanks a lot!!!

 

[Into The Light]

:hug: glad you like the idea

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well i had my appointment with my nutritionnist today and it was pretty interesting she is still happy that i am making sure to eat three times a day but well seeings how i am stil eating too little for my age my size and the amount of exercises i have been doing well she gave me a little book that will guide me to what are normal portions she is not expecting me to reach the maximum of what i should be eating but at least half therefore imposing a limit to my restricting behaviors, as she has noticed that they are slightly increasing under the stress i am going through but i have been controling them very well, she has sent a referal form for my treatment when i move, she wants me to see both a nutritionnist and a psychologist or social worker when i arrive in my dorm! I will be seeing my nurse on thursday to make sure that my physical state is still okay! I am going to visit my new dorm room on wednesday and my college, i am a bit less stressed about moving out but rather stressed with my appointment today that seemed to leave my nutritionnist in doubt of how i am doing and i was completly honnest but my weight having fluctiated just a bit is making her worry about me moving out and living away from anyone that knows about my probleme, that is basicly why she made a referal form today and was planning on calling so that when i do arrive i don't have to wait to long on a waiting list!
anyway
thats about it i am going on 6 weeks of no purging and doing good! when i say doing good i mean that i am still eating at the least 3 times a day my new objective is to try to reduce the restrictions. adn my nutritionnist wants me to feel less guilty
thanks
ashley

 

[Halo]

AK,

That is great that you had your appointment today and that you are going to be set up with referrals for when you get to college. It will really help to have the support system set in place for when you arrive.

Keep up the good work :2thumbs:

 

[Into The Light]

your nutritionist is really looking out for you, that is great :goodjob: i am proud of you for being honest with her too, that is very important so that you can continue to get the proper support you need. well done! :yahoo:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah well i have realised that well if i actually want to continue doing good i have to be transparent with everyon they have to know what is going on and i refuse to start lying again. i really like her though cause she is very nice with me and she understands very well what goes on in my head she helps me rationalise the good thoughts from the not so good thoughts, she makes me see that wel although iam not doing perfect i am doing much better and that helps me see that i am doing good and that even though i still have a ways to go i am doing good!
in my opinion the key to get good help is to find someone that you trust and that understands you and to me she is that personshe knows when she is talking to me and she knows when i am more in my e-d although now all she does is help me fight it together we make a teem diferencing the anorexia as a different person, we (the e-d and me) may always live together as "roomates" for the rest of my life but yet i don't have to like her!