I am here today to ask for your insights and thoughts about a young man, age 22, who was the long-time boyfriend of my daughter before he abruptly left her several months ago within weeks of their imminent engagement. Whereas she has done quite well (no contact), she is still seeking a better understanding of his erratic behavior during and since the breakup. I have seen many relationships end?friends, family, children, and years ago, my own?and fully know that they can be painful, ugly and awkward. This one is very, very different.
I?ve always suspected that he was emotionally stunted, but based on his recent behavior, he fits classically into the often cited description of a compensatory narcissist. Despite the pain, she and I are both quite concerned about his behavior, even though he seemingly is doing fabulously well. Here are the details:
I?ve always suspected that he was emotionally stunted, but based on his recent behavior, he fits classically into the often cited description of a compensatory narcissist. Despite the pain, she and I are both quite concerned about his behavior, even though he seemingly is doing fabulously well. Here are the details:
- ?Andy? was born in China, moving to U.S. at age 10. Parents, though highly educated, not very assimilated. Very slight and young looking for his age. Mother literally spoon-fed him until his early teens. Ironically, he has been pretty much emotionally neglected since his sister was born around that same time at age 13. The only feedback he has received from them of substance is to excel academically. No support on values, social skills, kindness, etc. None.
- Andy started dating ?Jenny? off and in high school, resuming their relationship during their sophomore year of college. Totally simpatico on their interests, sense of humor, professional goals, etc, they seldom fight, though his insensitivity and selfishness has created periodic conflicts. Jenny gave a lot more than she received back, even taking two years of Mandarin to be able to better communicate with his parents. The kid was totally into her as casual acquaintances and those close to her saw clearly and without exception. Time passes, they start growing up. Andy and Jessi plan on marriage?he chooses a PhD program within an hour of where we live while Jessi gets accepted into a highly competitive grad program that she decides to pursue remotely to remain closer to him. They begin making their life plans more formal by summer?s end. They even get a rescue puppy a few months ago. Their future looks great.
- He goes on a two-week-long trip to Alaska with his family. First week, he called four or five times a day, saying how much he missed Jenny and the pup and noting how he couldn?t wait to take Jenny there after they are married. Then?they have a disagreement about his unwillingness to get a part-time job to supplement their future, since she is working two jobs and has agreed to financially carry the load while he finishes his PhD. That was it. He refused to take her calls and only communicated via very cruel text messages. He comes home, drops by our house, and a very robotic, detached, seething with barely contained rage?disconcertingly so, not even petting the dog?says that he wants to ?take a break.? His parents encouraged him, he noted, to ?cool it? as well. All this from a young man who is easily prone to crying. He is overtly disrespectful to me, when in the past he has always been very deferential. Very creepy.
- The next day, Jenny insists on meeting with him again at the coffee shop they first met. He comes, dog toys in a bag, and tells her he wants out. ? He abandons the pup and drives off. No tears, no emotion?not even shouting and yelling. Nothing. No one saw signs of this coming, not then, not in the months since it all happened. There was nary a crevice in their happiness that anyone saw. That night, Jenny emails him. His response? He wanted out, because, as he put it ?there has never been a spark between us, going way back.? He wants to find a woman who can sexually thrill him and it ain?t Jenny. His ending? ?Yeah, this sucks for you, and I?m selfish, but I?m sure you will be happy again sometime.? No one buys this: Not Jenny, her friends, family, not even the counselor she spoke to post-engagement. This guy was nuts for her.
- Fast forward: He takes down his Facebook for a month, and becomes a constant user of Twitter, which is strange, since his only followers are celebs and two former classmates. He creates a new FB page and his only friends are those he?s met at his new university. NONE of his former friends?even those of longstanding or not mutual friends of Jenny?s?are a part of his new FB. His photo is one of a smug, arrogant. He?s hardly recognizable. Meanwhile, he is working overtime on his new social life with his new acquaintances. In conclusion, the respectful, overly sentimental young man who never let go of anything before?he kept Facebook friends even when they parted less than amicably has been replaced by this cocky, unkind, sterile jerk.
My question to all of you?is this typical? What is your perspective and thoughts? Should I intervene on his behalf? (He often came to me for counsel in the past). Frankly, I?m worried about him, and for my daughter?s interest, she would like a better understanding of what in the heck happened.
