What now?

[healthbound]

Hi Everyone! It's been for-eh-VER since I've posted. I think about you guys often and wonder how everyone is doing. I also feel a bit guilty because it has been so long since I've been here and now I'm here to post about challenges I'm having. But I suppose that's what the forums are for, right? :red:

Actually, my challenge is somewhat related to my not being here and not maintaining connections with people. I recently had my last session with my therapist. I've been seeing her at least once a week for the last 5 and 1/2 years (I know...I didn't know you could actually be in therapy that long either!). I am feeling very sad and already miss my sessions. I also realized I used them to "safely" fulfill my need for human interaction. I haven't been creating or maintaining any strong connections with other people and so of course, now I feel rather alone.

I guess there are a few things going on... The reason I logged on was because I was feeling a sense of panic that I feared would become overwhelming. I think I'm reminded of the past since I feel like I've been left to fend for myself but am scared I can't (even though I've known for months my sessions were coming to an end). I feel out of control and I really don't like it.

I also just realized that some of the "old" behaviors I've been engaging in are only enforcing my sense of being out of control (binging, sleeping in etc). Instead of talking or writing about how I'm feeling (or even using some of the skills I've learned over the past few years), I'm resorting to destructive coping. So I'm contributing to the part of me that is saying, "See, I told you. You can't survive on your own. You suck." etc. Yuck.

I used to feel comforted knowing I'd see my T to work through some of this stuff. So now I just need to focus on coping in healthier ways.

Anyhooo it seems my genuine sadness about the end of a significant relationship combined with some intense thoughts and feelings from the past and lack of a social network is a bit overwhelming.

lol...I think I pretty much just worked through my challenge by ramble-writing. Thank God (or David) for psychlinks Man, I've missed you guys.

 

[Andy]

Hi Healthbound, I'm not sure if I had ever met you or if I was even around before you left but I have seen your name around the boards, welcome back.:2thumbs: I can relate to your post a lot. I could have written it about 5 or 6 (I think?) years ago myself. I had a psychologist for 6 years and I use to see her once a week. I found it very hard at first to deal with the end of our appointments. I felt severe panic after I got home from my last appointment with her.

I really can't give you much advice or anything. I do know that I did slowly get use to not seeing her weekly and it wasn't as bad as I had started to think it was going to be.
Well, this wasn't much help at all, I am glad to see you came back here for some support though. That's a good thing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It is really good to see you back here, Healthbound. Psychlinks just isn't the same without your little rodent belting out tunes.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi glad to see you back. Did your therapist say to contact her /him if your not coping well . Just wondering if you sort of weaned off going would of been easier like decreasing to seeing therapist once a month then longer. Hope to see you around forum take care

 

[Cat Dancer]

Hey, it's good to see you.

 

[healthbound]

Thanks for the replies everyone!
STP -it's helpful just knowing other people have gone through something similar -thanks!
David -i plan on belting out many-a-tune on behalf of my little rodent
Violet -No, she didn't say to contact her if I'm not coping well. She's actually gone on maternity leave now. Which is probably why I do feel such a sense of panic. If I knew she was just a phone call away I might feel a bit less anxious. This way is permanent. I guess I'm just in a transition period. I have to build some supportive relationships outside of therapy. It bugs me that I have to do that, lol. I don't like it and was much more comfortable the way things were. Friends can be mean or leave. Therapists are paid to listen and be somewhat objective, lol. Oh well, guess it's not the worst thing.
Cat Dancer -good to see you and your dancing cat too!!

 

[forgetmenot]

I would hope she would have given you a contact number in case you needed someone.( Friends can be mean or leave) yeh i hate that too. I hope you do get some supports set up fo r you now because it is very hard to be on your own but i guess it is time to test all you have learned right take care.

 

[healthbound]

Ya, I think it is time to really put all i've learned into practice. And i know it's a good thing, it's just a bit scary. Change can be scary -even when it's good. It just forces me to work i guess, lol.

Well actually, it's ironic because I feel sad about ending my sessions and it reminds me of how sad I felt during past endings --- which is exactly why I avoid creating connections with people in the first place, lol! I guess I could acknowledge my fears and acknowledge my sadness but remind myself that it's not devastating and press ahead with creating connections with people anyway. Ugh. Way easier said than done. Well, for me it is.

But it's been really helpful to just write about it. Helps me untangle it

 

[forgetmenot]

i understand as i too do not want any connections with people because they hurt you they only cause sadness i don't know what to say really as you said it is a choice i guess. Does one take the chance yet again to make a connection only to have it severed i hope you have that strength because i guess if you do make a good friend it will be worth it. I think of the sadness the pain and it is hard to go down that path again but with your skills maybe this time the path will be easier.

 

[Murray]

Hi and welcome back Healthbound,
I can totally relate to your fear of making connections. I am constantly waiting for the inevitable rejection after I let people in. Lately though I have been really trying to be more open to connecting with people and have been rewarded with some nice interactions. I still worry about what may happen but am choosing to take the risk and hope for the best. I am so sorry that you are struggling right now and I sincerely hope that things get better for you soon.

Love your singing rodent, btw

 

[healthbound]

I thot of lots to say after reading ur replies violet and Murray but am on my iPhone and typing on the tiny keyboard is almost as challenging as ending a significant relationship. OK, not really.

There seem to b pros and cons to both. Avoiding connections keeps us somewhat "safe" from certain emotions but also completely blocks us from others (love, vulnerability, connectidness etc).*

But it also seems there is some basic built-in-need to connect to other humans. Maybe just as kids need a certain amount of caring-for as part of healthy development, so do adults? This need is certainly inconvenient if I'm chiding to iscolate tho, lol!

I want to challenge myself to push past the parts of me that want no part of connecting with people. I would like to not be alone forever. and I'm sure moving beyond iscolation is not as scary as I imagine it to b. But I still struggle. Doesn't mean I'll give up...just means I still struggle lol.*

I wonder if my fear might even have less to do with connection and more to do with trying to avoid all intense emotions. I'm either too sensative or there's some misfiring of neurons or something. Cause it sure seems like I'm much more affected by certain events compared to what I observe about others.

Now I'm ramblin. Time to turn the phone off and go to bed. Thanks again for the opp to process *

 

[Daniel E.]

Welcome back, Healthbound. I missed your avatar, too

But it also seems there is some basic built-in-need to connect to other humans.

Yes, and there continues to be an epidemic of loneliness going on. I think it's part of the reason people's susceptibility to depression seems to be increasing, rather than decreasing.

Even in a guy like Nietzsche who was not a people person, there is a real need for some quality human connection (and he was quite honest about that in his personal letters, which also show his depression). A quote from the novel/movie about him, When Nietzsche Wept, is that he was "stymied by his own pride, loneliness, and terror."

But when it comes to romantic relationships, my psychiatrist was quick to point out that they aren't necessary/important for everyone.

I wonder if my fear might even have less to do with connection and more to do with trying to avoid all intense emotions.

OTOH, different problems sometimes have the same solution, e.g. habituation. Though any generalization comes at the cost of being inaccurate since each situation is at least slightly different, my favorite or most helpful generalization is just that I have a tendency for avoidance, which is even more general than what you are saying.

But I would agree that with social anxiety, for example, it is helpful to remember one's tendency to experience the spotlight effect or to engage in mind reading or personalizing, all of which can elicit strong emotions. And in romantic relationships, such anxiety can foster love sickness (which is something Albert Ellis wrote about as a side effect of overly-romanticized, unhealthy love).

And regarding avoidance of strong/intense emotions, it does remind me of the very human need for control and that people with anxiety, like myself, would often rather face a certain, bad outcome than an uncertain one. In any case, some unsurprising suggestions would be therapy and journaling but also self-monitoring:

What Can Be Done

The most important thing to do is to reduce the extent that you try to escape your emotions. Of course, this is a lot easier said than done. If you have been avoiding your emotions for a long time, it may be difficult to release them. Sometimes, when we let our emotions build up, they may escape all at once, like a dam breaking. This may lead to our emotions feeling out of control.

It is important to find ways to release your emotions. Therapy of all kinds can be very helpful in this regard. Cognitive-behavioral and psychoanalytic/psychodynamic therapies all give you the opportunity to express and understand your emotions, as well as examine the sources of those emotional responses. In addition to examining emotions connected directly to the traumatic event, cognitive-behavioral approaches may address how certain thoughts or ways of evaluating a situation may be contributing to your emotions. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or ACT), a particular type of behavior therapy, focuses on breaking down avoidance and helping a person place his energy into living a meaningful life (and being willing to experience whatever emotions arise as a result). Psychoanalytic/psychodynamic approaches may pay more attention to early childhood experiences and their influence on your emotions. Either way, therapy can provide you with a safe place to express and approach your emotions. Seeking social support from trusted loved ones can also provide a safe way to express your emotions. Finally, writing about your feelings can also give you a safe and private way to release your deepest feelings.

If your emotions feel really unclear or unpredictable, self-monitoring may be a useful strategy for you. It can give you a sense of what situations bring of certain thoughts and feelings. Finally, if your emotions feel too strong, try distraction instead of avoidance. Distraction can be viewed as “temporary avoidance.” Do something to temporarily distract you from a strong emotion, such as reading a book, calling a friend, eating comforting food, or taking a bath. This may give the emotion some time to decrease in strength, making it easier to cope with.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-tra...-ptsd/18530-ptsd-and-emotional-avoidance.html

Another take on self-monitoring:

Step One: Creating Your Index of Dread
Since your sociability profile is unique, your first step toward superior social fitness is research. To create an effective program, you must identify areas in which your interest is high but your confidence is low. Most of us aren't aware of the difference between inborn aversion and the fear that comes from injury or inexperience. To learn where this distinction lies in your personality, you must become both a scientific observer and the subject of your own observation.

Begin by establishing a log you can dedicate to the task of understanding your social self. If you already have some sort of calendar or planner where you list everything you have to do, use that. Otherwise, spend a couple of bucks on a spiral notebook. Take a few minutes every evening to jot down a list of things you plan to do the following day, and with whom. It usually works best to go through the day chronologically.

Now read through your list and imagine doing each activity you've planned. Picture one event at a time, as vividly as possible. While holding each image in your mind, notice whether you find yourself pleasantly anticipating the activity or resisting it. Try standing up while you do this. You'll probably find that your body leans slightly forward when you think about an event that you expect to love but tilts backward when the activity repels you.

Give each item on your to-do list a score representing your level of resistance to that activity. Let's call it the Index of Dread, or IOD. An IOD score of zero means you aren't worried at all. A score of 10, on the other hand, means you'd rather eat tacks than do the thing you're picturing. Be utterly honest as you write down your scores, and don't criticize yourself. Would Jane condemn a chimp for wanting to skip a group hooting event? Be a scientist: Just record the facts as accurately as possible.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/shyness-and-social-anxiety/20598-to-be-alone-or-not-to-be-alone.html

 

[SoSo]

Welcome back Healthbound,
I can also totally relate to your post. I had the best T ever, then she died of cancer. I went through a whole range of emotions with that one, even grief because she was such a vibrant, caring person along with being the best T. It took me a while to accept it but I had no choice. I also felt because she had such faith in me, told me that I could be a 'whole' person and not what had been beaten into me, I had to honour her memory by becoming the person she saw in me. She saw in me a strong, courageous woman, I saw a weak child who would never be worth anything but over time, I came to believe what she told me. I will never forget her. I will always 'try' my best to be the person she saw in me and let me be. It sounds like you also had a good connection with your T. Hope all will be okay and you make lots of good, caring connections in your life.
SoSo

 

[healthbound]

Great post Daniel! Sparks lots of thoughts I want to write, but I only logged on briefly so I'll have to reply later. I can barely identify where you've created links because they're either black or dark blue?? more later! And hello SoSo!!