What was it like to be happy?

[exhausted]

I know I like to give advice to others on how to improve their moods and life. And I do use my own advice.. however sometimes I really get depressed regardless.

It must be peri-menapausal (sp) but this seems to re-occur this particular week especially every month. I will have my hormone levels checked, if I can get myself out of the house to get it done!

I am trying to remember the last time I felt truly happy or excited about something. Life is not numb but sad to me anymore.

Was it when I ended up on the Oregon Coast with my two kids after a fight with the inlaws on a visit? Yes, the coast was beautiful and the luck with the $20 a night cottage on the beach was a blessing. It was a dream come true...and the nice guy I met who was a companion to me and the kids that sad night was also a gift from God.... but there was something missing. Why couldn't I truly feel the joy and relaxation that should have been most prevelent watching the sunset on the waves? That was over a year ago.

Was it when I won 3rd place in the photo Annual Phone Directory in 2003?... well that was nice, but really the picture should have won first... but I am being greedy. lol. No, there was something missing then too.

The last time I remember full happiness was the birth of my 4th child in Dec. of 99, but then the nurse informed me I was on morphine... so was it genuine happiness or drug induced? Only a day later I started suffereing from some post birth depression or minor psychosis. I spotted it right away and quit breast feeding which stopped those horrid feelings and restored me to my numb self....

Yes, perhaps though the months after Colten's birth I was sort of happy. Or temporarily contented. After the birth of my four babies were the most quiet times of my life, less depression actually... but I can't keep having babies anymore!

Other than child birth when was I sincerely happy last... I can't really remember. I see commercials on TV or movies and I see how things used to be even for me... but those days are long gone. I am no longer in my 20's... full of hope of a bright future.

If you are reading this and you are young.... don't take it for granted... every morning you wake up is a new day to start all over! When you start to age those mornings don't seem to bring promise of hope, but troubles.

I can say that having four kids ranging from 5 to 20 is a source of chaos and depression. My 19 year old son has schizophrenia and this is a great stress on me to care for him and keep him safe. He was just released from the hospital after a few days stay for a phychotic induced suicide attempt.

My 20 year old duaghter is pregnant for the 3rd tiem and we are working on plans for an adoption.

My 9 year old is suffering from some kind of hyperactivity and defiance, and of course my 5 year old is hearing and speech disabled.

I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and overburdened. If only I still had my health I would have hope... but my health, mental and physically is declining quickly.

SusieQ aka Exhausted

 

[exhausted]

Ammendment:
I, myself, ended up in the ER twice this last month... one for chest pain...
I ended up finding out that I was so tense my chest muscles were so rigid it hurt. A massage ended the chest pain.

Then my horrible migraine hit a few days ago.

What can I do?

SusieQ

 

[DemonicAngel]

im no expert but i think you need to relax a little take a little vacation, and it doest have to be an expensive one,it can b something like that $20 cottage u spoke about, you have been through a lot , you've had your ups and your downs, i think you deserve a chance for yourself, but you also have kids to think about, which makes it a bit difficult to be selfish and think only of yourself, but I strongly recommend a little weekend away or even just a day, to enjoy life and nature both equally.

 

[Daniel E.]

Why couldn't I truly feel the joy and relaxation that should have been most prevalent watching the sunset on the waves? That was over a year ago.

There is a surprise element to happiness, of course. It helps to be less self-conscious:

Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so.
- John Stewart Mill

It may be that mystery, not variety, is the spice of life. According to a new study, the natural tendency of the human brain to reduce life's uncertainties also saps everyday experience of its poignancy...The urge to understand events may reduce the joy we take in them...We rationalize positive experiences; as they come to seem more predictable, they lose their emotional intensity...Yet small surprises may safely and simply boost your happiness.

-- from "Reaping Pleasure From Life's Uncertainties," Psychology Today, pg. 26, June 2005

Another thing is that nice scenery can get boring fast. I live in a very beautiful rural area with a pine forest on one side and water on the other. Looking around at it, I can appreciate it, but I feel much more peaceful listening to music.

 

[Suzette]

Hi Susie,

Well, who would NOT be exhausted with a life like you have? When you tell about your children I find it hard to read that they have all those things. I mean, one child who is not healthy is difficult enough, but you have four!

You refer to your happiness when you gave birth to your children. As you say: you cannot have more than these children. Giving birth to a baby can be (I don't know, I don't have children) a time of contentness, also the time shortly after. A new life has come into your life. When you would have felt emptyness inside, it is temporarily filled. With the new baby.

You write: "If you are reading this and you are young.... don't take it for granted... every morning you wake up is a new day to start all over!"

You miss your youth and freedom, that is obvious.

I'm wondering whether you also had feelings of not well-being before you got your first child? It comes a bit across as if you kept searching for the contentness of a newborn, until you finally, after your 4th child, walked more or less into a brick wall?

When you start to age those mornings don't seem to bring promise of hope, but troubles."

For you, yes. But I don't consider that common.

With the extremely difficult life you have now it seems so normal that you are exhausted in every way. My goodness, this is tough...

I think that it is very, very important that you think about yourself now. You did all the things you could and still for your children, but now you need a break first.

I guess it will be difficult to make arrangements, but apart from that, do you agree...?

What do you think is good for yourself right now...? Try not to think about the situation of your children and what has to be done for them.

What do you need, what do you desperately long for to feel that you are a human being again.

You described the tension in your chest. Well, I am one piece of tension, but the way you described your tension is very extreme, I can tell you! This is getting serious and that is why you post! It is all piled up tension, walking on your tooth gums (on your toes in English?).

You need a break.

How about it....?

 

[Daniel E.]

When my brother had a lot of physical symptoms from anxiety and was calling the paramedics every other week, a hot bath helped him the most. He used one of those bathtub mats that shoot jets of water.

If you have tried a lot of antidepressants already, there are stimulant drugs like Provigil that have been prescribed for depression-related fatigue. Provigil is expensive, however, and taking a stimulant may be a bad idea if your anxiety is moderate-to-severe most of the time. (In the US at least, needymeds.com is a good source for applying for free antidepressants when money is a problem.)

 

[DemonicAngel]

Well I'd just like to add that before you venture into medical help, pills and all that stuff, try natural stuff first, medicine and stuff is for when the depression is due to some malfunction in your body, and I dont think thats the case, so I suggest relaxation take your kids to the beach to the forest, to the park even and just enjoy your time together.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

before you venture into medical help, pills and all that stuff, try natural stuff first, medicine and stuff is for when the depression is due to some malfunction in your body

That's really not true, Demonic Angel. Whatever causes a major depression, once you're in it, you're evidencing a neurochemical imbalance.

Medication may not be the only answer but it's often a big part of it. "Natural" remedies are not without side-effects and risks and interactions (for example St. John's Wort interacts in negative ways with many common medications, including birth control pills) and when they do work they don't work as quickly or as wlel in many cases.

 

[Suzette]

Exhausted,

I am wondering how are you doing...?