What would you be doing differently if you were happy?

[David Baxter PhD]

Mondays Mindful Quote: Thich Nhat Hanh
By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
August 3, 2009

Here?s is a quote from the blog post 10 Quotes for a Mindful Day by the influential author and mindfulness teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh:

"There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way."​

It can sometimes seem like we are on a lifetime quest to achieve happiness. ?Once I find my soul mate, then I?ll be happy? or ?If I get that promotion, then I?ll be happy? or ?Once I?m making this or that income, then I?ll be happy.? Woven within the mere thought itself is a sense of being ?less than? you want to be and therefore makes you less happy than you were before that thought even arrived.

Some might argue that it?s not the conditions of our lives that make us happy (although some can certainly help at times), it?s the way we relate to ourselves and our lives that provide the happiness. It?s the way we walk through life.

In other words, we?re always practicing something. If we spend our time wrestling with negative, excessive worrying, or hopeless thoughts, we?re practicing unhappiness. If we spend our time noticing and acknowledging these unhelpful habits of the mind, without judgment, we can then choose to turn our attention to matters that walk in line with greater happiness and sense of peace.

In the realm of behavioral therapy, a therapist might say, ?what would you be doing differently if you were happy?? Some people might answer, ?I?d be smiling more? or ?I?d be riding my bike? or ?I?d be spending giving more to others.? Then the response from the therapist would be, ?now let?s put these into action.?

Sometimes we need to put our feet in front of our heads and then our thoughts and emotions will follow. We don?t have to climb Mount Everest, but if all you can do is take even one step in that direction, it can make a difference.

Try: What would you do if you were happy or what have you done when you?ve been happy? Write these things down and begin practicing them. Don?t take my word for it, try it yourself and see what happens.

 

[Jazzey]

Try: What would you do if you were happy or what have you done when you’ve been happy? Write these things down and begin practicing them. Don’t take my word for it, try it yourself and see what happens.

Couldn't resist answering that question here (for now). The more in-depth stuff I'll do on my own.

If I were happy:

1) I would be running every day again;

2) I would be throwing diner parties again and spending time / making time with / for friends & family;

3) I would have a normal routine again, both during weekdays and weekends;

4) I would resume my hobbies again; and,

5) I would start dating again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

OK. Now for each of those items, next to them write what's preventing you from doing them now.

 

[Jazzey]

That's a harder question than the previous one. I'm going to mull this over a little.

Actually I already have the answers, and I don't mind sharing here. So, for each item in sequence:

1) I don't like to be seen, so I'm working on not caring on this one. Once I've done it, I feel great. It's just getting over the initial anxiety. Which I can do, it just takes a lot of energy;

2) Similar to number one, it takes a lot of energy to be around people. I get self-conscious about what I'm saying, how I'm behaving. I get tired.

3) This is the item for which I've been trying the hardest. It still comes down to energy levels. I get up, feel relatively good for a little while and, justify going right back to bed. Then I feel guilty that I've wasted an entire day doing absolutely nothing, which brings me back into a cycle of sorts;

4) I have some trouble focusing on something for too long. So again, it's energy. I can do it in little spurts - which I have done lately. And then I have to set it aside. And garnering the motivation to even start on some days is tough;

5) ...I don't like to be seen - that's problematic. And I'm scared - haven't dated in a very long time and my previous experiences were far from stellar.


Thanks for making me think of these. Now I need a nap (kidding). Oops- forgot that on a global level, nothing is preventing me but me. I understand that. None of these items should be preventing me from getting back to those things. But on a very pragmatic view, I'm the one preventing myself from all of these.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

So it really comes down to anxiety and fear, really, for all of those items, correct?

 

[Jazzey]

Yup. Now here's where I'll draw a small distinction - put me in a work situation, and I don't think of any of these fears. Just in my personal life. And/or if I expend time on the anxiety - for instance, I've been swimming every day. But it took me a bit of time to get used to doing this (from the fear point of view). And I still make every possible effort to only go when there's the least amount of people there.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I know. I'm not trying to deny the progress you've made, J.

Just pointing out the obvious perhaps, that these are what you need to address with your therapist.

 

[Jazzey]

I actually didn't read your response that way Dr. B. And, I actually hadn't really viewed this as 'progress'.

I will work on this, thank you. I honestly wasn't admonishing you in any way. Just explaining the dichotomies.

 

[Jazzey]

I'd love to see other members here answer some of these questions. I find it interesting.

 

[coatbridge]

Hi Ya:

I don't have to think twice about this one, I would be working in Accounting. Before this emotional nightmare of this past 2 1/2 years my job was my life & I really enjoyed what I was doing.

Problem is I don't think I will ever be happy again or get back to work.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Coatbridge,

It's nice to see you again. If you don't mind, why do you think that you'll never be happy again? It sounds as though accounting was a real passion...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thread split to http://forum.psychlinks.ca/general-support-and-advice/18907-worried-about-taking-medication.html

 

[Fiver]

Silly me, I read the thread title as "What would you be doing differently if you were hungry," and thinking the answer was obvious, didn't open the thread.

If I were happy I'd be writing. I mean, really writing, and not the kind of writing I've been doing per the strong suggestion of my therapist. I'd be writing for a larger audience, and I'd have a blast doing it.

I'd also care a lot less that my essays are amateurish and formulaic. I'd do it because it makes me feel good. The problem is, when I don't feel good I can't do it.

To answer the question that totally was NOT asked, "What would you do differently if you were happy and hungry?" -- I'd get my butt into the kitchen, get over the wall of fear of being in that room (which is where the assault took place) and actually cook some real food so I could escape my daily rut of hummus and Cap'n Crunch. Not that those aren't two incredibly delectable foods, but they're getting boring.

---------- Post added at 08:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:17 AM ----------

That's a harder question than the previous one. I'm going to mull this over a little.

Actually I already have the answers, and I don't mind sharing here. So, for each item in sequence:

[...]

Thanks for making me think of these. Now I need a nap (kidding). Oops- forgot that on a global level, nothing is preventing me but me. I understand that. None of these items should be preventing me from getting back to those things. But on a very pragmatic view, I'm the one preventing myself from all of these.

Okay, this? Jazzey, you know what? Your constant insight and efforts to progress forward inspire me to follow your lead. (Just accept it at face value and don't give me any flack, dammit.)

 

[white page]

To answer the question that totally was NOT asked, "What would you do differently if you were happy and hungry?" -- I'd get my butt into the kitchen, get over the wall of fear of being in that room (which is where the assault took place) and actually cook some real food so I could escape my daily rut of hummus and Cap'n Crunch. Not that those aren't two incredibly delectable foods, but they're getting boring.

Fiver would it be feaseable to make over your kitchen, or change it's placement in your house?

 

[Fiver]

Fiver would it be feaseable to make over your kitchen, or change it's placement in your house?

Changing its placement, no. We did remodel it last summer which helped tremendously, along with replacing the kitchen table which I beat to splinters with a crowbar.

What really needs to happen is for this house to be sold and for me to move somewhere else. Unfortunately, the housing market stinks and we bought this place as a fixer-upper -- and now half of my construction crew is out of my life. So I will do what I can when I can, and get out when it's feasible. Meanwhile, it's not like I can't go into the kitchen at all; it's that the kitchen has become one of those rooms that I don't like to spend more time in than necessary.

Luckily it doesn't take that long to pour a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and grab a bottle of Molson.

 

[Jazzey]

I understand not liking your home Fiver. Just a thought that I've had on my mind - how about reclaiming your home? Vanquishing the nasties (memories) and making it truly your home? (at least until it's feasible to sell it if you still want to do this later on).

I think enough people have taken way too much from you already.

 

[Wheredowegofromhere]

I kind of feel the same way...like I will never be happy or at least "truly" happy...why do you personally feel this way?

My apologies; this is in response to Coatbridge's remark...

 

[coatbridge]

Hi Ya Jazzey:

Nice to hear from you again.

Well I'll try to give you a condensed version. I am attending college after 30 years out of school and enrolled in an Academic Bridging Program, in my 3rd semester. You see my ultimate goal is to get back into the work force, easier said than done. I used to think of myself as a Panic Disorder, GAD and Depression victim, I could see no separation between myself and the disorders. Then I enrolled in the course at college, I got a mark of A- in college english (it was my worst subject in high school), I had to do a presentation for our career path class and taught myself PowerPoint ( I had never worked on it before) for which I received a mark of 100%. I began to realize that I was much more than these disorders and that I had much more capabilities than I gave myself credit for.

Now in my 3rd semester we are required to find an unpaid work placement and as my passion is accounting. I thought what would be better than combine my two passions accounting and mental health. So I did my research (another passion of mine) and got in touch with the director of the organization (which is affiliated with cmha). Well I met with the Director the beginning of October and the interview went amazingly, she told me what she could teach me, told I could take on my own project, shown the office where I would be sitting (she even apologized for not being able to offer me a window view) and the clincher I was shown the lunch room and the fridge where I could put my lunch she said. (hey, you know it's in the bag when they show you the fridge). I was asked when I could start and me being so enthusiastic about the organization and having what I thought would be a terrific boss I said tomorrow. I then thought to ask if it would be ok with her schedule and it wasn't so it was agreed I start the following week. I was ecstatic after all I am nearly 3 years unemployed.

Then the following Monday I get an email from her with the subject line "crappy news" (not a good subject line), anyway the jest of it was as a courtesy she let her CEO know I would be starting and he said no and that was that. I was devastated, angry and didn't know where to go from here. I was going to quit my college course because I thought what's the use?

She couldn't even call me in person and let me know. I waited a day or so and emailed her explaining how going to work there was the most hope I had in 3 years and that if she didn't have the authorization to hire me she could have at least let me know that her CEO had the final word then at least I might have been prepared somewhat for no. I told her how no thought on their part was given to my mental health upon hearing the devastating news by email. She said she would meet with her CEO in person and ask him why he didn’t support her decision. I told her how enthusiastic I was about the organization and asked if I could drop off a package to her attention compiling previous performance reviews and references, which I did. I also sent her a copy of my PowerPoint presentation and asked if she could show it to her CEO with the goal of maybe diffusing any concerns he might have about her investing too much time training me. I even offered to meet with him in hopes of alleviating any of his possible concerns.

Did I say this was going to be a condensed version (ha-ha), oh well I did have good intentions.

Ok I’ll speed it up now, fast forward to today when I emailed the Director to see if the news was still crappy and guess what? Give up? The news was still crappy, she spoke with him yesterday and his decision remains unchanged. It’s like opening up the wound all over again. Not even a personal call, so much for my mental health.

All the thoughts started flooding, what’s the use? where do I go from here? am I ever going to work again? I have come from the brink for what?

All this and factor in my mood swings, feeling always on edge almost hyper (who knows maybe it’s all the chocolate I eat and eat and eat), some twit illegally downloading movies using my network which I just found was unsecured & being threatened by my internet provider that my service would be cut off and be terminated as a customer, some other low life using our address and phone number as his home base and is racking up debts.

I just don’t see a future for me let alone a happy one.

Thanks for asking, I hope you are well.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Ya Jazzey:

Nice to hear from you again.

You too Coatbridge.

All the thoughts started flooding, what?s the use? where do I go from here? am I ever going to work again? I have come from the brink for what?

Yes, I understand that feeling very well. It's funny, I was just talking to a friend tonight, and expressing much of the same things you said in this post.

I went back to school when I was older. When I was getting ready to graduate, I put my applications everywhere, desperate to find employment. I got a lot of letters telling me that they simply weren't interested. I was too old (for them). I was devastated, and I had all of these really horrible thoughts about my future.

And then, someone offered me the best job I could ever have hoped for. Just like that - on a silver platter essentially. And honestly, it really was the best of all of the jobs I'd applied for. Sometimes, life puts a few hurdles out there for us. But they're just that Coatbridge, small little hurdles. And sometimes, those hurdles are there because it opens other avenues that are far better for us.

Just don't give up hope just yet...Besides, my immediate thought when I read your post was, hmmm do you really want to work with that particular employer? They didn't show you a particular level of compassion...But, that's just my perspective. Just don't give up hope. :hug::hug:

And definitely, please lean on all of us here.

 

[coatbridge]

Hi Ya Jazzey:

Congratulations on both going back to school and getting a job that you love. You know what you said about "They didn't show you a particular level of compassion...But, that's just my perspective." (I haven't figured out how to do the quote thing yet). I also had the same thought, who knows maybe it will work out for the best. (Wait a minute, I can't believe I just said that, me that spews nothing by negativity day and night).

Well on a more positive note (I better stop this, it might become a habit heaven forbid, ha ,ha) I am dropping off 3 resumes to organizations that were voted some of Canada's Best Diversity Employers.

Thank-you for being there when I needed someone to listen and empathize.