When friends don't know

[Eunoia]

I have no idea if this is the right forum to post this, since I'm not talking about a dating relationship but a friendship. Anyways, I find it really really difficult to tell my friends what's going on in my life.. we obviously tell each other everything it seems, and I am always there for them and vice versa but when it comes to the things that really bother me, or why I'm upset, etc. I just don't know how to tell them. I either make up another excuse or even if I do try, the responses aren't very helpful. One of my best friends gets upset when I'm upset (obv.) but it's not helpful at all b/c then I have to get her to not be upset over soemthing she doesn't even understand. So that makes me mad b/c instead of me dealing w/ my issues I now have a friends who is upset for no reason... she'll think that I don't want to tell her. She thinks it's easy. But the reality is, noone knows about most of these things I'm talking about. And I feel like such a fake... like how can I talk about something that is such a huge part of my life and have them not think that our entire friendship is based on a lie? I mean I'm talking about 8+ yrs here of people not knowing about these things. It's the same w/ my family. But I also don't want them to know, I don't want them to see me as this persont hat has problems or has this or that disorder.... it's just not the me I am willing to accept for the outside world. And yes it's hell living like this sometimes... but I don't really see how I have other choices.
But lately my friend and I argue about everything.... seriously everything... b/c she feels like I just give her one word answers or like I'm upset but won't tell her why... and her getting upset or mad sure doesn't help in me wanting to tell her things... I wish I would be able to be honest w/ my friends, it would make life so much easier at times... but I am so afraid. So afraid. And I do have some friends where we will talk abotu some of the things, but in the end it seems like w/ those friends we only ever talk about the "bad" things. And I'd never admit to any of my own problems... hell I don't even admit to myself really what's going on.

I don't really know what my question is... but any thoughts on this????

 

[port]

i have a similar problem, think maybe its good to take that risk and talk about watever, wether it works out or not doesnt really matter as long as the effot was there..

could try explainin how you feel and maybe work on it together? tell them what you need and what u want from them and what your willing to give in return?

dont really know tbh... :/

 

[Eunoia]

ok so obvioulsy people have seen this post but no suggestions except for port (thanks btw)... but I know you guys are all going through this. not everyone in your lives knows what you're going through, have been through etc... how do you deal w/ that? How do you get the courage and tell your friends? how do you really tell anyone? the things is, I don't want to tell people about all of the stuff, but I want them to understand or their support... logically I know that that doesn't make sense b/c if they don't know what's going on how could they ever understand. so my best friend and I had an argument about this b/c she said that I've been coming to class now since a mth w/ no emotion on my face, a blank stare, and yes/ no answers... and she said that when she does ask me what's up I say nothing or just say things. which yes I guess is all true. but it just seems like things are SO overwhelming that I don't even know what to think, where to start, what to say. and all I want is to feel alive. And I don't. I seriously look in the mirrow and don't recognize myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to deal w/ things anymore. I know I am always the strong one and the one w/out problems but I know that I am slowly falling apart, once again, and have nowhere to turn to. she said I should go see a counsellor, I just about flipped out at her. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD EVER DO THAT. hypocritical in terms of what I say to you guys but if you want to know the truth this is it. I was soooo mad for her thinking that things were wrong for saying I act like I am depressed so I mean this is exactly what I don't want people to think. I don't want people to see me as this person w/ problems. not after all these years. not after everything I have been through and worked for. I know somehow I will get through this until the next time... even if that means I'll be living in hell meanwhile (going into all the habits you woulnd't want)... sometimes I can't believe this is me. and then I find peace in what I do. I don't know. I don't know anymore.

 

[Angie611]

Hi Eunoia...I know that a while back when I was going through some things in my life I started to tell too many people too much. I, for some reason, opened up to people that I really shouldn't have opened up to (coworkers mainly).

As for friends, I have 2 very close friends that I have shared just about everything with.

I think if you are having a hard time opening up, perhaps there is a reason. Can you trust these people that you want to open up to?

I'm not sure why I felt that I had to share so much about myself at that time, I think I was just so happy that I was finding out things about myself and that I wasn't the only one feeling what I had been feeling all of my life. I'm mainly talking about when I realized I had a problem with alcohol and when I was introduced to the group of Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was just so excited that there was a different way for me to live.

I think I may have wanted to excuse myself from being a moody person, or maybe share the knowledge I was getting about being acoa, because 3 people I work with admitted to also being acoa.

I guess what I can sum all of this up to say is be careful what you share and who you share it with. Make sure they are trustworthy and won't end up judging you in the long run.

Does any of that make sense? I'm not sure if I even answered your question. I guess I'm just sharing an experience I've had in this situation.

 

[port]

i told my friend online and other people i talk to online :/ surprisinly it does get easyer, kinda scary but its a step in the right direction, gonner try to do it in real life as well tho, not somethin i want to do but something i feel i need to do, if that makes sence :/

i deal with it by discussin/talkin about it with the people who do already know and by researching and looking at things to see if i can do anythin to make it better for myself.

i never did have the courage to tell anyone for a gd 11 years and then i did it online.

think you have to explain it to people if you want them to understand otherwise how can they. As you say could try askin for support but its hard to support someone wen you dont know whats wrong or wat to do for u to be able to help them.

Think maybe writting a letter could help, even if you dont send it.

maybe writing down how you feel could help clear your head and wen you re-read later on you can be like omgwtf was i thinking

hope u get more repleys, my advice is a bit dodgey

 

[sister-ray]

Hi Eunoia,
Most of my life I've lived a lie, with the exception of two close friends, no one knows, I find it hard to tell people, because in the past its always had a bad reaction. I tend to tell little lies, my neighbours think Ive got M.E. thats why Im in alot, my dad thinks Im better, after being ill as a teenager(luckily we not close) as for online friends, when I first came online I was upfront but still got negative reactions, especially from blokes on dating sites, so now I keep it quiet, only three online friends know and thats because I know they understand and I trust them. I'd say tell people only if your absolutely sure of them.

 

[ThatLady]

Personally, I feel it's much more important to be honest with yourself than to tell others about your depression, or your history of depression. Talking about these things with family, or really close friends who've been through some of the hard times with you is one thing; talking to bare acquaintances about your illnesses (whether emotional or physical) isn't usually particularly productive.

You say you won't see a counsellor, yet I know you realize that seeing a therapist is key in attaining a happy, healthy life. You might want to sit down and have a good, long talk with yourself, hon. It sounds like one part of you is disagreeing with another part of you. You've got some conflicts to work out.

 

[Eunoia]

well, I originally posted this in February (when there wasn't a "friendship & family board", lol)...so some of the things I said then don't apply anymore... I wasn't just talking about being depressed but also about my ed and family stuff and si and and and....ugh, list goes on. All of that adds up to that fake life. And all of that makes it so incredibly difficult to ever say anything, b/c where do you even start?? But yeah, my problem is that I don't want people to know but in a way I wish they would b/c then I wouldn't have to hide anymore, pretend.... you know? I went to see a counsellor (only went 3x's though)- didn't work. I don't want to tell "the whole world"- I just wish someone (close friend, family...) knew b/c as much as I don't want them to know, it's such a huge burden being in this alone. I know I'm contradicting myself.. trust me, I know.... thanks though

 

[David Baxter PhD]

When you finally get to the point where you don't have to pretend to be strong and available to be leaned on all the time, it is incredibly freeing.

 

[Diana]

Although you may tell small lies and people don't know your problems, that doesn't mean you're living a completely fake life. What you do with your friends and other people everyday is real. The relationships you have are real. If people are your real friends, then they are because they like you and like being with you. Not because they think you don't have a disorder. Not everyone in my life knows my past (and what I still struggle with sometimes). All my friends (and others) from the city I grew up in know. But, the people out here who I see daily or sometimes have no idea about it. My boyfriend knows. His family doesn't know - unless he told them, but I really don't think so.
However, I understand what you're saying. You haven't confessed it to anyone at all yet (except for that 1 therapist) and you haven't even really started a recovery process, so it's difficult to tell someone. It would be a huge breakthrough, but also possibly a risk.
Well, I think that if you have the real urge to tell someone, then you should consider a person who you really trust. It shouldn't ruin your friendship. If it does, then the friendship isn't worth it. You deserve to be able to share your feelings when you need to. That's what friends are for. People are social beings, and rarely do we do or accomplish anything completely on our own. Maybe you can find another therapist.
It sounds like you're confused about who you are and feel as though you are leading a double life. But, you know what - All of it is you. You are just you. You're not only this way or that way.
You know, I had a thought the other day. I was just thinking about my high school years, and how they were tough in some ways, being very confused about myself and where I was going. I have very good parents and I've recieved good advice. But, I wonder what kind of an effect it would have had on me if at one point somebody just took me aside (parent, friend, teacher, brother) and said to me seriously - "Just be you. Don't try to be the scholar, don't try to be the party girl, or the athlete, or the sexy girl, or the saint, or the popular girl. Because YOU as a whole are much better than any ONE of those things."
I'm not sure how much sense that makes to you - just a thought I've had lately. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know your friends, but getting your problems out in the open (if only to 1 person) might help you acknowledge them more yourself and motivate you to get help. I think you already started in that direction just by posting here. Hope that helps a little!

 

[Eunoia]

you know, that makes a lot of sense that even though certain situations seem fake, my entire life isn't completely fake. That's what that guy said as well, that if I were to be able to recover from my ed etc. that I would still be the same person that I am now, and that all the things I do now and the relationships I have would keep on existing. That does make sense. But just knowing that there's this huge part of me, of my life that people don't know about kind of makes all the other areas seem fake. And in a way, the things I do are to make myself look good, yes I get pleasure out of them, but you're very aware of how things will look and how you want them to look like. It's sad in a way, b/c not only do I have these standards of perfection for myself but I am so aware of what others think and what is ok for them to see and what's not... I don't want to tell people right now, even though I know it'd be a huge load off my shoulders, but there's too many risks... so in a way, I'm stopping myself, it's not whether others are actually willing to listen or not. The ironic thing is I do have that "social support system", but if you live your life trying to portray an image of "everything's fine" in regards to everyone (friends, family, acquaintances etc.) it's more a matter of being able to access that support system and not whether it's there....

I know exactly what you mean about hs and someone just taking you aside to say those things... who knows what kind of difference it would have made, but even now, it would be so good to hear those words... to know that it's okay to be the person I am, the good and the bad.

 

[Diana]

It's ok to be the person who you are.

There...You heard it from me.

 

[Eunoia]

*thanks*