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Sonz

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It’s been 5 years and no one knows. I'm only 21 and I have been having heart problems, probably SVT, we don’t know yet. This really scared me but obviously not enough to tell anyone about it, no even my doctor. First of all I don’t want to be seen as a dysfunctional, out of control person, especially by my long term, serious boyfriend and his family. My family is in Europe so I'm very close with them. Second, I don’t want everyone to not allow me to lose weight, even if it’s the right way, I'm sure Ill still get crap if I lose weight. I don’t want everyone following me in to the bathroom. Right now I want to try it alone, well, maybe by talking here where it’s not so embarrassing. Where do I go from here?
 

David Baxter

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First, start getting as much information as you can about the dangers of eating disorders. You've had a scare. Understand that this won't be the last one unless you make some significant changes, and that those changes might involve more than just changing what and how you eat.

Start by reading some of the articles in this forum and what others who have struggled like you have learned, what has worked and not worked for them. Then have a look at http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/eating.htm and http://blossom.psychlinks.ca.

This is a start. But I also want you to think about this: Your heart problems have frightened you but still you say
This really scared me but obviously not enough to tell anyone about it, no even my doctor... I don’t want to be seen as a dysfunctional, out of control person
Your doctor is bound by medical ethics and the law to keep your medical records confidential, so you can talk to him or her without your family even knowing, if you so choose. I'd also ask you to ask yourself this: Is not being embarassed worth being disabled or dying for?
 

Sonz

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This is stuff I have of coarse thought about, but it easier said then done. I did some research on SVT and bulimia is not a “popular” risk factor associated with the condition but irregular heart beats are associated with bulimia. Its happened more then once and Ive been to the doctor several times, in fact, my boyfriends dad is a doctor and witnessed one of these attacks. I guess I ignored it in the beginning because they thought it was stress related but ruled it out recently. Now I am going to the cardiologist to wear a heart monitor. When I got referred to the specialist is when it hit, its been a week and haven’t done it all, and trust me I wanted to! It was a long weekend! I already mentioned why I don’t want to tell people, I don’t want them hounding me if I eat a light lunch or go to the gym, I still want to be thin, but feel like once this is out Ill never be able to without suspicions. Also, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and I'm scared he’ll be mad I kept this from him for so long, I know its probably stupid to think that, he’s very sweet and complimenting. Also, part of the reason I do it is because when I'm with him its really hard to eat healthy. We go out to dinners a lot or when we are visiting his family I have eat his mom cooking. Its really hard to say no to all the good stuff everyone is eating, also I never have my healthy foods at their homes, because duh, I don’t live there. I don’t want to tell him he’s part of the problem.
 

Sonz

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Sep 30, 2004
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I got weighed today for the first time in a long while, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, 118 (I’m 5'4") I feel like after telling I lost my right to be thin. I bought Winsor Pilates and I’ve been doing them at home, not excessively or anything, but they’re fun. Why don’t people ever suspect the skinny girls with good metabolisms?[/i]
 

Sonz

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By the way my heart monitor is driving me nuts, it itches like crazy!
 

lammers1980

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Well, you are 5'4" and 118 pounds. That's a pretty healthy weight. I hope you get the help you need. Welcome to the forums.
 

Sonz

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I was at the nutritionist yesterday and she thinks that I actually have a pretty healthy diet… when I'm not doing it of coarse, but for two weeks I have to keep a food record and I'm not sure how it will effect me. This morning the breakfast list felt a little long, but I don’t measure the values myself, I just write down what I eat and she calculates the nutritional values, which I'm glad for because I don’t want to count calories!
I will see my boyfriend for the first time this weekend since I told him and I'm a little nervous, I don’t know how to act.
 

David Baxter

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Sonz said:
I will see my boyfriend for the first time this weekend since I told him and I'm a little nervous, I don’t know how to act.
Just act like you... isn't that who he fell in love with? :eek:)
 

Sonz

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So my boyfriend just left a few hours ago and we both acted totally normal, like nothing ever happened. I don’t know if this is weird or not. He’s definitely one of those people who wont press it if you don’t want him to but I was sort of expecting him to talk to me about it. Especially since we went to our favorite breakfast place where we always share eggs benedict and a huge, buttery, cinnamony, apple pancake. You can guess what would happen after this extremely low fat meal so I figured he too would have put it together and said something about it. I guess I'm glad he’s not watching me like a hawk but just expected something. We actually had a very fun and romantic day, lots of you’re so beautiful and sexy happening, more then usually, not that I'm complaining!! =)
Today I felt like crap, the first time since I totally stopped, because I had my most favorite indulgence, buttery popcorn from the movie theater. It didn’t last long and wasn’t that strong but the feeling came back briefly none the less. I didn’t do anything about it but it sure did conjure up thoughts about what all the fat was doing to me. I still have those thoughts, about where on my body the food I just ate is going to show up.
 

David Baxter

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Courage isn't about not being afraid but about not letting yourself be stopped by the fear.

Progress isn't about not slipping back down the hill a bit but about getting up again and continuing the climb.

You're going to be okay, Sonz...
 

Sonz

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Sep 30, 2004
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You know, I see how many people read the posting but not all them respond, it would be nice to have on going discussions with everyone. I really want to hear how everyone deals with this, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this who has actually gone through it. How do you deal with the cravings? With the doctors and your friends and family? With gaining the weight!!!!??? I feel hideous.
 

Ash

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Sweetie, I wish I could help you but this isn't one of the areas that I have issues with. I'm not sure how much help I *could* be. Now if it were addictive behaviors or cutting, I'd be all over it. LOL

You'll be just fine. It sounds like you've made improvements. Are you getting enough support?
 

Jaine

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Sep 16, 2004
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im recovering from anarexia and well have been binging for a while now and the weight gain is terrifying, not to mention the feeling of loss of control. if i knew how to stop it and not eat id tell you but its good youve got help and just stay a healthy weight. im 45-46kg right now healthy for my height but i still see and feel fat it never goes awauy and i dont think oit will. but maybe for you things will be different.
just relax, talk to your counsellor, dietitian and boyfriend you need lots of support.
 

Sonz

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I thought I was dealing ok with the weight gain but really got a slap in the face the other week. I had received some birthday money and wanted to buy some nice jeans. I went to the store and grabbed several pairs of my “usual” size and headed off to the dressing room. Turns out non of the jeans fit me, I couldn’t even get them over my thighs! I became so upset and started crying. My boyfriend was trying to be understanding and that my old size wasn’t necessarily the right size, which is true but obvious I didn’t care, I wanted to fit into jeans! I remember buying jeans in high school that were too small for me and I would buy them anyway and just lose weight until they fit.
I finally gave in a got a bigger size that fit but honestly I am thinking about losing weight and taking them back to get a smaller size. The transition of going to bigger sizes has been really bugging me. I always automatically go for the extra small on the rack and forget I'm not that size anymore. My closet in beginning to fill with mediums, even my underwear!!! I had to throw a bunch anyway because they just look horrible on me. I have break coming up from school, my last final is tomorrow, and all I can think is hitting the gym again. I don’t want to be fat, I want to fit into my normal clothes.
How do you deal with this?
 

Sonz

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Sep 30, 2004
Messages
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Points
6
Well, heres an update for anyone that’s following, I don’t really have anyone else to give updates to, my boyfriend and I don’t really talk about it. So two major things have happened.
First, after weeks of discussion and some convincing I decided to try medication. So today I went and picked them up and start tomorrow and I'm really very nervous, I know it sounds stupid and maybe a little mean but I always thought medication was for crazies. But like I said all my many doctors thought it would be a good idea and I guess they do know better than me what I need. I'm just scared to see how I will react, will I become a better person and if so why do I need drugs to be that better person? Why cant I be on my own?
Second I found out I have osteopenia, which a lower level of osteoporosis, in my lower spine, which I definitely did to myself and I have to take a load of calcium and vitamin D each day. I feel like an old lady with a bum ticker and brittle bones. Thankfully if I continue this regime for 2 years it can be fixed but it still sucks to have to take so many pills everyday you know.
The temptations have actually been getting worse because I'm still gaining some weight and since my heart palpitations have happened in a while I am more and more tempted to do it again thinking that one more time wont do anything.
So I guess we will see if this stuff helps. I really feel fat, fatter than I have ever felt before. This really makes me sad.
 

David Baxter

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You are making some very positive and very courageous steps toward recovery, Sonz. I know it's scary but that's what courage is: doing something when you're frightened. Doing something when it doesn't scare you isn't brave at all.
 

hollyh

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Jan 10, 2005
Messages
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Hi Sonz,

I have read your posts and I think I can relate pretty well. When I was your age I was also struggling with an eating disorder and body image issues. I posted my story to haunting on one of her threads if you are interested in reading it.

One thing you mentioned in an earlier post really caught my attention. You said something to the affect that if you admitted to having an eating disorder then people would worry about you and you would not be able to lose weight even in a healthy way. I am paraphrasing but I think I got the gist of the statement. I felt the same way when I was going through my ordeal. I had always been skinny (you and I are the same height by the way) and petite. Even when I was healthy (before I developed an eating disorder) I had plenty of well meaning people telling me how skinny and small I was. When I was sick the comments became more accusatory (or maybe I just took them that way). I felt under the microscope. I felt that I could not share my struggle with body image issues with anyone because they would just think that I was crazy.

What I realized as I recovered from my eating disorder is that people's comments do not change, but my reaction to them is what changed. People will always make comments and people will always worry. We live in a society that places heavy value on the way things and, more importantly, people look. We all face scrutiny for this. We are too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall etc. to please everyone. The important thing here is to get yourself to the point where YOU are not only happy with yourself but healthy too. You can not control what other people are going to think about your appearance you can only control your reaction to it. As long as you feel good phsically and emotionally you can deal with anything that comes your way.

I wish you the best of luck with the path you are on. Hang in there.
Holly
 

Sonz

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Sep 30, 2004
Messages
38
Points
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Oh my gosh, you are so right! People would always tell me how skinny I was and I loved it, then when it came out it sounded like an accusation. I know I am getting healthy and my symptoms scared me enough to want to continue to be healthy but now I am trying to feel thin again, I wish sometimes I could see myself through someone else’s eyes, would I think I was skinny then? Actually when I look at pictures of myself from HS, I'm like wow! I was so skinny, so in retrospect I see it. Ive only gained about 5-7 pounds, I try not to weigh myself, but I feel huge.
How long did yours last and how long did it take to recover?
 

haunting

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Nov 11, 2004
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I do relate to how you feel Sonz, trust me I fully understand.

The medication will not "fix" the underlying cause of your fears and feelings. Yes I do agree that meds will assist you in becoming well. But you do need the regular counseling to talk about all of these thoughts and feelings that you are struggling with. And God, its not easy!!

I am unsure of what to all say as I am not in a very good "boat" myself. My ED is really bad right now, but I am trying.

Eating disorders are so dangerous. I can empathize when you say that the risks don't seem all that scary. But it catches up with you and can cause irrevesable damage. I have had problems with my heart as well and was hospitalized in late September as I was showing signs of a stroke. I am only 29 years old......way too young for a stroke as you are too. There is so many complications that can arrise from an ED. If it does not eventually kill you it can affect your life in many negative ways that can't just simply be fixed.

So I am not here to lecture you what-so-ever!! I would slap myself first and grab a mirror and say the same things I have said here. This illness is powerful and becomes even more gripping as time goes on. But its the illness, not you my dear. Your not abnormal for being ill. Your human, and need help.

So how can we help you?? I say give those meds a chance...but keep talking and get some counseling. They go hand in hand. One can work well with the help of the other. Gee, I sound like my doctor; lololol. Guess I was listening.

So keep talking to us and what ever we can help with--we are here. Its a long road but what others are telling me is that there is a world full of happiness, green grass, beautiful flowers, sun shinning at the end of this road. Sounds a hell of a lot better than sickness and despair. Not easy, but attainable. Hang in there as you deserve the end to this bumpy, dark road. Maybe together, we can find it. Sending you my love and hopes for a better way of living--(if thats okay).

Haunting
 

hollyh

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Jan 10, 2005
Messages
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Hi Sonz,

Well, I agree with haunting, keep talking it out with people here and listen to your doctor and those who love you with an open mind. It is great that you recognize something within yourself that you want to change. Anyone would agree that that is the first and most important step in really dealing with something and working through it.

I struggled with weight issues and eating disorders, for about (and this makes me cringe) ten years. Unlike you and haunting I did not seek out help (which is why I am sooooo proud of both of you). My weight issues and eating disorders started when I was a teenager (around 16-17), but was sort of hidden by the fact that I was very athletic, a dancer, and had always been thin. When I was 17 I went to see my doctor (a pediatrician, as I was not yet 18) for a case of the flu. I will never forget the look on that Doctor's face as he examined me. He sent my mom out of the room and then looked me straight in the eye and said I would land myself in the hospital if I continued my eating and exercising habits. He actually said the "A' word. I thought he was out of his mind. I denied every bit of what he said. Afterall I really did not think that I was starving myself. I ate, but, looking back on it I ate like a bird for someone who exercised obsessively. So, he told my Mom that I was Anorexic and my Mom, being Italian-American (eat, eat you have to eat) lost it and started crying. The Doctor told me if I did not gain weight he would have me admitted to the hospital. I was horrified. For the next few months my mother forced me to eat in front of her and scrutinized everything I ate. I never went in to the hospital.
That Doctor was later sued for malpractice by another patient and lost his practice. Me and my Mom were then free to think that he must have been crazy all along. My Mom did not want to believe I was anorexic any more than I did.
Meanwhile I had not put on weight and had stopped menstruating (for about a year and a half). In college I eased up on the exercise (started menstruating again) still had serious wieght and food issues but because I gained some weight I thought I no longer had a problem . After college, however, I began purging, this was a new thing for me. I started off just doing it once and a while but then it spiraled out of control. I got to the point where I new I would purge after pretty much every meal. My weight issues and eating disorder were a secret I kept from absolutely everyone. Finally, as I wrote to Haunting, in one post, I just reached a point where I realized what I was doing to myself would kill me eventually. My hair was falling out. I was passing kidney stones and again, a new doctor was threatening to hospitalize me (I fixed that by never going back to that doctor). I had, honestly never thought of it that way before. I had been in such serious denial that I actually thought what I was doing was okay and even normal.
I consider that moment of realization that I had a problem and a problem that could seriously threaten my life as a huge turning point for me. I had been so secretive and felt so alone. Facing the problem made me feel like a part of the "normal" world again. It also made me review my past to see exactly how it had come to this point.
For the last four years I have been healthy, but I would say I spent the better part of my teenage and young adult years with some serious weight issues and eating disorders.
I don't know that I would have been as brave as you in seeking help when I was your age. It really takes courage. The secrecy of my disorders was what made them so much worse. Also, not to place blame on my family (because my mother was worried for a time and I was in denial) while people worried about me no one reached out. Aside from telling me how skinny I was or how unhealthy I looked no one wanted to really talk about it. All I had to do was eat infront of my Mom and she was convinced I was fine. My Mom was as happy as I was to sweep the whole issue under the rug. The idea that her daughter had anorexia was like a slap in the face to her. She took the "what? my daughter? of course not. I am a better parent than that" kind of approach. So I think it took me much longer to come out from under my issues and disorders than it would have if I had had the courage to be honest about it and seek help. In the end I have to think that the way I came to the realization and got better was maybe the only way that would have worked for me.
Still, I applaud you and Haunting for taking the steps to get help, because I know how hard it is just to do that.
Sorry this turned into a ramble. Hope it gave you some insight and encouragement.

Hang in there,
Holly
 

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