More threads by Sonz

Sonz, I think it is so awesome that you are dealing with this now. Do you have a therapist to help you?

I am in my thirties and have struggled with eating disorders for 20 years now. Sometimes I think it is just a part of me to accept. I've been hospitalized twice for it and probably should have been several other times.

I have a lot of bone pain from this. Sometimes my back aches so much I almost am in tears. I am glad to hear that your problems in that area can be reversed.

I also have some kidney problems and I think that poor eating is a big part of my depression. I just feel so bad all the time. I can't think straight and I am so tired. Some days are better than others and I am glad for that, but I wish I had never gone down this road.

The worst part is fertility problems. I can't even express the pain I have in that area. I basically destroyed my babies. The doctor told me it was my fault. I will never, ever forgive myself for that. Ever. I try most of the time to lock away that pain in a deep place in my mind and never deal with it.

I know it isn't easy, but I am very proud of you for facing it and getting help.
 

hollyh

Member
Janetr,

The doctor told me it was my fault. I will never, ever forgive myself for that

This must have come from a doctor that does not fully understand the complexities of eating disorders. Even if you do take responsibility for your infertility you can and must forgive yourself.

I suggest reading the article Dr, Baxter posted above, if you have not already. It is about the idea that we are not our disorder. It is very insightful.
 

ThatLady

Member
You can forgive yourself, Janet, hon. Believe me, you can. First, you have to realize that the person you were in the past is not the same person you are today. That person is also not the person you will be tomorrow. So, to punish the person you are today for something done by what amounts to somebody else (the person you were long ago) doesn't make much sense, when one thinks about it.

Another thing to think about is this...would you forgive me, if it were me we were talking about here? I sure hope you would. I have forgiven me (the old me from before) for many things. That person was sad, and lonely, and very, very sick. That person was not the me who is sitting here typing now. I remember that person, and I love her and feel sympathy for her, but she is not me. I am me.
 

hollyh

Member
ThatLady,
Right on. Good point. We always have an easier time forgiving others yet we too easily find reasons to continue punishing ourselves.
And, yes, we are constantly changing and regenerating both physically and mentally.
They say the body changes every seven years, but the mind (at least mine) changes evey seven minutes.
 

Sonz

Member
My mom was the same way, she’d yell at me in advance when I was getting thin saying that she would never come visit me in the hospital if I made myself sick. We never got along, needless to say.
I had another episode of SVT this afternoon, I thought that it would stop once the purging stopped but I guess not, I spent the rest of the afternoon hooked up to a heart monitor and I'm still convinced that I did this to myself, like my back. I am so sorry about your fertility problems, I didn’t even realize that it could fertility problems.
I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist but I don’t really know how its going, but Ive only been going for a couple months.
In counseling today we talked about “punishing ourselves.” I'm still in school getting ready to graduate in June and I feel like I am not good enough for any job, that my grades aren’t good enough, that I don’t look good enough (although everyone around me tells me I am smart and pretty). I found myself saying that I feel like Ive lost control and haven’t had any successes recently. I guess I always thought of my thinness as a success, what a cliché, trying to control something.
I do feel like this is all my fault and I feel guilty and stupid and damaged. It seems like all these other emotional problems have emerged since I stopped.
 

Sonz

Member
So its been a while and I really thought I was honestly beginning to accept the fact we all weren’t meant to look like supermodel and that I am ok without being 100 pounds...but then...this is going to sound so cliché...the new Victoria’s swimsuit catalog came and I all I could think about is how am I going to lose the weight I gained this quarter. School has really kept my occupied but I am nearing a break and I can think doing during that down time is how to lose weight. I spoke to my psychologist about this and she continues to remind me that those girls aren’t real but I think they do, or at least come close. How do you become ok with being just the way you are?
 

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I know it will sound like a cliche but the answer really is bit by bit, one day at a time, and by continuing with your therapy...
 

Eunoia

Member
hey Sonz, I read all of your posts on here and I think you should give yourself some credit for having realized that things are not ok. You know that your body isn't keeping up, even if you may not want to acknowledge it. It's ok hun, it's a long long road to recovery, but you've taken the first steps. In regards to the upcoming break, try becoming healthy w/ healhty (but normal and enough) foods, go for walks w/ your b/f, friends etc., do some yoga (for your mind) etc... and you'll probably end up feeling at least not 100% guilty about not going to the gym every day and doing the other things. B/c if you're healthy there is not so much to feel gross about. trust me. I know it's easier said than done, but try it. Also, just keep busy w/ things you enjoy... learn something new, take a fun class, etc. so you can't focus on food issues 24/7. This will be good especially to get a break from school... you want to get more energy for after the break, not strain yourself even more during the break. Get lots of sleep!
The thing about the Swimsuit models is obviously they're not real... even models will admit that. Tyra Banks once said that every model has a flaw, you just need to know how to pose the right way etc... so there you go... maybe try finding a documentary on touching up of photographs in magazines etc... I've seen it and it's amazing (sickly) how it distorts reality. Check out some models that have kids and keep a healthy lifestyle. They're not real like that on the cover and going after something that is fake will never end in sucess.

btw, I know this was from one of the posts way back, but the thing about the pant size is it's just a number, and I totally understand the obsession w/ that, but another thing to keep in mind is that every store and style of jean fits differently. I've worked in retail and it's pathetic... even at the same store the same size will fit differently in different styles... if that helps at all. In the end you want pants that fit you, look good, and feel comfortable, not the opposite w/ a tag inside of a smaller number that noone can see anyways!
 

Sonz

Member
Have any of you experienced any kind of substance abuse during the problem time and/or the recovery period?
 

Sonz

Member
I hope no one hates me for this but it’s a perfect example of me judging other people. The other night a roommates friend came and she is very much over weight, I don’t mean a few pounds but I would guess maybe around 200. I found myself staring and thinking mean things like “How did she let herself get like that?” but in a sick sort of way it made think about that she would probably love to have my body. I felt bad and very aware that I was doing it but kept on any way.
I'm thinking about buying pants that are too small again.
Since my down time from school started I immediately went to the store and bought a bunch of health, low fat food. I'm eating but a bit less and food that is definitely less fattening. I suppose switching from McDonalds to salmon is good but I'm only doing to lose those pounds I put on during winter.
I thought I was beginning to get it under control but I am gradually feeling like I want to go back to my old habits. I wont throw up anymore but I am simply thinking of eating a lot less.
Are you guys really not worried when you walk into a store and the bikinis are hanging up?
 
Sonz, I don't really worry about bikinis anymore, but I do understand what you mean. I feel uncomfortable in my body most of the time. It is hard. Very hard. I think it could be a way to deal with underlying issues. I wonder if that's true in your case. Stresses come up and we turn to these eating disorders or other unhealthy patterns to deal with the stress.

I can't remember if you have a counselor or not, but it would be very good if you could discuss these issues with him/her so that you can keep on the path to a healthier you.
 

Sonz

Member
Yes, in fact I have two counselors, a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and they both tell me the same thing we all hear over and over again. Models aren’t real, most women do not look like that, we are all different and must accept what we have…and so on. This is the first time in my life I’ve been this heavy, I'm having a really hard time accepting that. And although I don’t plan on throwing up anymore, I am constantly thinking about what low fat foods to eat.
So I guess my body is becoming more healthy but my mind is still very much fixated on being thin. Even if I ignore the TV and magazines, but I swear I go to school with these perfect skinny girls! Its like no one believes that people do look like that.
I even feel fat just sitting here! I know there is no cure all but I really wish I could be ok with just being this weight, cause let me tell you I LOVE eating pizza! It gives me so much enjoyment, more then going to the gym. And what do I go to the gym for? For that one minute that I someone other my boyfriend will see me in a bikini! Why! Its not like its my job to look that way, my job is to be a student not a model, so if I know all this, why cant I accept it in my own head? Ahhh! Its so frustrated.
 

Sonz

Member
You know you guys I’ve been reading other postings and as I read I feel so bad and so sad that so many of you are feeling so bad. I know we’ve all been there, those times when everything seems a mess and all we can do is cry but why do we keep feeling so bad? I wish I could make all of you feel better. Instead of dwelling on the bad things why don’t we talk about different ways of thinking, positive ways. For example I think about how much worse things can get and all the other problems we could be faced with. Or think about how no one cares what we look like, think of our friends and significant others, they are not our friends or lovers because we look perfect but because we are good people, right?
I'm going to order a pizza and a bikini and be happy about it damn it! =) I'm so sick of constantly judging myself, its exhausting!
 

KiM

Member
good for you!! i hope that you really enjoyed the pizza .....
its so strange coz as i say that, i really am happy for you and i still couldnt do it myself .. from reading your postings it seems youve come a long way, its admirable!! all of you out there that are changing .
i am still scared of gaining and eating certain foods .. and however hard i might try to change that and allow myself to 'be normal' it just messes u p again and i go back into the purging.
how and where did ytou find the strength ? i have not experienced any physical side effects from what i have been doing to my body, so i wanna stop now!! and reading all your things actually gives me hope that there is something that can be done about it. i just need guidance and support .........
i am also sick of constantly judging and feeling negative about myself. its too dominant in my life, as is food, and i DONT want it anymore........
KiM x
 

Sonz

Member
Kim, Like I said its exhausting right?! Always sneaking around, hiding, lying, worrying about where the nearest bathroom is!
I think I have made a lot of progress but that’s not to say that the guilt isn’t still there. Honestly the only reason I stopped is because of my heart problem, otherwise, it seemed like a win win situation, eat and still stay thin.
You didn’t tell me much about your story, but I started here too, way before I told my doctor or boyfriend. And now I go to see two counselors. Mostly I have tried to alter my thinking, like I mentioned, asking myself why I do it, the benefits and cons, etc.
You have to remember that eventually gross stuff will happen to you, even of you don’t get scary heart problems like me, think about your teeth for example. Mine are in terrible shape and I spent hundreds getting them fixed.
I just went back and read your posts…man do I remember those days, all day at school all I would think about is what I would eat and then I go to the store, but a bunch of food and just eat and purge over and over again! Again, so exhausting!
Techie was right when he set that this is the hardest step, I felt sick to my stomach even registering here!
My boyfriend has been a great help, giving me compliment after compliment, does anyone else know about this?
By the way, it was nice to hear that I could make someone feel better so thank you bc that made me feel better!
 

Sonz

Member
Kim, Since I am in the US I had to convert your height and weight into pounds and feet and oh my! you are very thin! I am about your height and about 117 lbs, now that I have gained weigh,t and I assure that even though I may feel fat sometimes Im not and I dont look fat either.
Gosh, I should send you a pic of what 20 extra pounds looks like and hopefully you will think I look good =) and wont be so worried about gaining the weight!
 

KiM

Member
Sonz, maybe you should send me a pic!! everyone keeps telling me ill look better, but that doesnt really go in! i see myself so differently than other people see me. so how much do i weigh on pounds then? is it that scary? i actually havent weighed myself in a while. but thats what i was and dont think i gained anything since the last time ....
as y ou said, its all about feelings and also perceptions of yourself ... and i hate that. so tell me how did you get through it?? i really want to but have no idea of what a normal person should eat anymore. i think that if i had not started binging and purging it would be easier to break the cycle - since doing that i dont listen to my body anymore and i dont know when im hungry or full ... i just eat coz i lust for things. did you have that? i feel that that now makes it harder to break ..... i used to be able to have such control and i feel like ive lost it and that also makes me angry ... this uncontrollable something that is inside of me. its not me ... and i dont seem stroing enough to get ridof it, however hard i want to!!
but anyways, its nice hearing what you have to say, makes me feel better .... sharing it.
seeing as youre recovering, does your body go back to normal? like your digestive system, metabolism etc ...? or will it be damaged for life? am so scared of that!
am happy that i made you feel good coz you made me feel good ... its a nice feeling to khnow that youre not alone!! so thanks
KiM
 
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