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    "It’s not the size of the step that gets you there. It’s the fact that you’re taking the step."
    Mark Victor Hansen, posted by Daniel

seedubya

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Hi everyone,

I'm a 35 year old white male. I have, for as long as I can remember, believed that there is something wrong with me. I'm an ex-nurse (psychiatry) and believe that I have a personality difficulty / disorder. I was recently assessed for Asperger's Syndrome (my son has it) and came up negative but the psychologist felt I had PD and AS traits. I have looked for help on several occasions over the past 10 years but have not stuck with any of them for varying reasons. (Most probably because I never stick to anything!!) I have never been as down as I am right now, my marriage is on the rocks, my business is not doing well, my kids need a more effective father and I would like to be happy for a while. I have a permanent passive death wish but no desire to carry it out. Just wish I'd be hit by a bus or something. I don't know where to start looking for answers. I'm not in Canada BTW and the health services in my own country are severely lacking anything beyond the basics in psychiatry/psychology. Comments questions etc. all gratefully received.
 

David Baxter

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CW: Can you describe some of the symptoms that lead you and/or the psychologist to believe you have "PD and AS traits"?

Also, if you'd like to send me a Private Message indicating what part of Canada you're in, I may be able to give you some pointers to other resources that may be helpful. I assume from what you've already posted that finances are limited.
 

ThatLady

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What country do you live in, seedubya? That might help us to research possible help for you. :eek:)

It sounds like you really need some help. It's difficult, I know, to find that you've reached your mid-thirties and are still trying to cope with emotional problems that are wreaking havoc on your life. Yet, there's a good side to it. By the time we've reached that age, we have developed a few skills we didn't have when we were in our teens and twenties, simply through the process of osmosis. Those skills can be used to help ourselves, if we're determined enough to do so.

Glad you found us. Keep posting and tell us more about yourself.
 

Nex

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I believe that by "I'm not in Canada BTW" he meant "I'm not in Canada by the way," not BTW being some part of Canada.
 

seedubya

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Thank you both for replying. Just to clarify, I'm definitely NOT in Canada.

With regard to symptoms:
It's hard to describe symptoms in writing. I do so much better verbally. However, here goes, and please bear with me if this rambles.
I don't have low self-esteem, I have none at all.
I believe firmly that I am a bad/evil/wrong person.
I don't form relationships, those I do form I don't maintain. I have no friends.
I am utterly unable to finish anything I start unless the duration is extremely short.
My self-talk is very negative.
I have difficulty concentrating and focussing on tasks, conversations.
I find it very difficult to have "feeling" conversations with the people I love. I manage just fine with strangers.
I appear to have mood swings but of very short duration and very often.
I believe that I don't feel the full range of emotions that other people feel or to the same intensity.

These are just some things that come to mind immediately. I will flesh them out as I go along. Of all the above my inablilty to focus and finish is the most problematic as it precludes any success in anything, including getting help for myself. I can just see myself getting some help with that particular problem but not actually going the full distance :)

seedubya
 

David Baxter

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LOL. My apologies, TL... :eek:)

It's like that trick with the double "the" words. I swear I went back and read that twice and never noticed the word "not" until your post.
 

ThatLady

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David Baxter said:
LOL. My apologies, TL... :eek:)

It's like that trick with the double "the" words. I swear I went back and read that twice and never noticed the word "not" until your post.

No problem, Dr. Baxter. I do that kind of thing all the time. Even worse, I'll read a word as one thing when it's actually quite another. That can be very embarrassing. ;o)
 

Daniel

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Of all the above my inablilty to focus and finish is the most problematic as it precludes any success in anything, including getting help for myself.

This has been my biggest problem as well. Sometimes, I have no problems at all concentrating. Other days, concentration and energy are lacking and my mind may feel like mashed potatoes.

So, to compensate, I spread out my tasks over the entire day and night. For example, at my last job, I was able to take work home, so I would catch up on work during the weekends and evenings.

To keep up my motivation, I would sometimes rent DVD movies and do my work between movie scenes. Ironically, listening to music while doing a task actually helps my concentration by keeping me motivated.

However, I don't have many responsibilities, and my only dependents are a dog and a cat.
 

seedubya

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I really believe if I could sustain even a low-ish level of motivation and "stickablity" then I'd have some chance of getting out of this hole that is my life. However, going on my life and actions up 'til now, that doesn't seem likely. I very often believe that it is impossible for me to change and this then leads me to feeling useless/pointless thougts of being dead etc.

Responsiblities are funny. I hate them but they're all that keep me from losing myself completely, even though I'm often far from good at fullfiling them.

Over the years I've met maybe 4 or 5 therapists/doctors etc. They've all had opinions on what my problems are but I find I don't agree wholly with any of them. I've been diagnosed as depressed a few times. I've had Asperger Syndrome mentioned. I've been told I have an addictive personality, pervasive developmental disorder, ADD, BPD and while I can see how I might have been seen like that at a particular time, it's not the whole picture.

This is what scares me about looking for help, so many opinions, so little help. I need outside help to get myself to a place where I can help myself.
 

Daniel

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I may be wrong, but since you are at a low point now, I would think that mosts therapists could help you just by doing their regular therapy stuff like helping you with your depression, helping you deal with marriage, work, and family issues, and helping you better deal with rapid mood changes.

If there are a lack of good therapists in your area, you may have to shop around before paying for a first session, such as by asking if they have more experience with some disorders than other therapists. In the US, for example, referral sites like PsychologyToday.com will say the therapist specializes in sexual abuse, etc.

Since you believe you may have a personality disorder, my guess is that you would be more comfortable with a therpist who has more experience with ruling out, diagnosing, and treating some of the more common personality disorders regardless if you have a personality disorder or not.\

Having said that, I am always wary of any professional saying something vague like "you may have a personality disorder" if they use that as an excuse for not being more helpful in treating symptoms. Medications, for example, can treat symptoms like depression, mood swings, irritability, social anxiety, etc. regardless of personality.
 
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