Where to start?

[sunnyone]

I am really hoping I can find some guidance and peace from this forum. I am counting on it as I don't know what else to do.

I am middle aged menopausal (which is NOT helping ) in a good paying career that i am fairly good at. This job I believe is coming to an end and the industry is quite small so I don't know what else to do. I also don't have the energy to be a keener about it all in a new place of employment. In a way I will be glad when this job ends as I am quite burned out. i just don't know what else to do with my life. I am in a fairly good position as I don't have a huge mortgage or any other debts. My kids are grown and only need help with university which I will help if I can but if cannot..then I cannot.
Fortunately, the work issue isn't driving me to despair and I seem to be able to just live in the moment and hope for the best there. Sometimes, though I panic and think this attitude will be my undoing.

Where I really feel despair and anxiety is in my personal life and I do believe that is somehow tied to my work situation. I feel surrounded by people that really don't care about me and I feel I lack truely intimate friendships. Most people just want me to listen and they aren't really interested in what i have to say, to the point of yelling over top of me, talking without taking a breath, ignoring my comments and forging on with their rant.

I cannot seem to create and nurture a healthy love relationship and that has the biggest impact on me. This seems to be my biggest cause for pain and I wish it was not because it holds such power over me and makes me terribly vulnerable to men. At present, I have a sort of relationship with a man but he isn't willing to talk about things, and is quite unsuited to me in regards to lifestyle. But rather than break it off and be comfortable being single, I put myself in his life and jump through hoops to stay there. I get very little from this relationship except physical attention and I don't mean hugs and cuddles. ( I would love that) True intimacy with this man is practically impossible and yet I keep thinking somehow this is within my control to correct. I am afraid to break this off because I am terrified of being alone. I am so sad and lonely already so it will be worse without that crumb of attention.

I think I also create some of my own problems by reacting to perceived and real rejection, begging for attention and approval, trying to gain attention and approval through manipulation and reactive actions/words. I really want to learn how to not react emotionally. Does anyone have any tips? Steps? Magic? One thing I have done is remove my cell phone from my life because it was too easy for me to react through texting. It also fostered crumbs of attention and false intimacy in my opinion. Maybe this decision is just me trying to be controlling? I don't know anymore. I am so confused as to what is my issue and what is theirs. I get to the point where I want to run and hide, but then...the fears come up about being alone.

I have had terrible luck with men most of my life. I seem to be drawn to controllers, abusers, neglecters etc. Approval from a male seems to be my holy grail and rejection from ANY male is my kryptonite. How do I overcome this and be happy and calm on my own? Please help.

I am so sorry this is so long but I feel quite desperate. I am hoping so hard that someone has some answers for me.

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did I do something wrong? lots of views no replies...great...more rejection

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sometimes it has to do with who is logging in and under what circumstances. For example, I am still at my office. I check on the forum when I get a chance between clients but i don't have time to formulate anything but a short response.

Also, "views" includes search engine spiders - they're not necessarily humans.

 

[Retired]

I think I also create some of my own problems by reacting to perceived and real rejection, begging for attention and approval, trying to gain attention and approval through manipulation and reactive actions/words.

Knowing what the problem might be is the first step. The next step is to take the necessary steps to modify the behaviours and attitudes causing the issues.

Have you ever investigated therapy or some form of counseling?

 

[lammers1980]

welcome to the forums, sunnyone!

 

[rdw]

Well first off - welcome! It may be worth investigating your relationship issues through counselling in an effort to gain some insight as to why you sell yourself short. And as far as a "magic pill" or shortcut - sorry there isn't one. However I cam guarantee you once you do the work needed you will find peace within yourself.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[sunnyone]

search engine spiders. sort of creepy...

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I have been to counselling and sort of know the "stuff" but putting it in practice is another thing. I am in a bad circle of friends at the moment and they trigger my ineffective behaviours. I cannot take the time from work right now to see a counsellor and so that is why I came on here...I thought maybe there would be some insight. I am working really hard on becoming more comfortable with the idea of being alone because I think that will remove the power others (men) have over me. I don't know...I am thinking this was a dumb idea.

 

[rdw]

Putting the "stuff" into practice is hard. Even worse is admitting that one needs help and support and is unhappy with their life as it is. Only you can make the changes when you are ready and able to do so. Good luck!

 

[Peter]

Sunnyone, Welcome to Psychlinks.

It can be difficult to unravel whatever it is that blocks us from seeing, accepting, and learning from our truth. Many times we see the truth about ourselves and found it threatening to our self-esteem. Our ego, the generator of self-esteem, throws up fear-stories to ward our thoughts away from those disturbing truths. As a result, we may then feel confused with what to do.

We may already know, deep down, what to do, or where to go to get help, and again, other fear-stories jump in to interfere. Some people continue along this line forever and always seem unhappy. Others get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and muster up enough courage to push aside their fear-stories, and become willing to go to any lengths to overcome their blockages. Most of the time, willingness is enough. Willing to seek help, like seeing a therapist, counsellor, or other people who can help them to become more interdependent and less fearful.

When it comes to professional help, remember, it only works if you work it.

I came across this clich? a long time ago, and it has helped many people. It is the H.O.W. to recover (change, improve, etc). Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness. Adopting this cliche could be a great starting point.