Why am I so destructive?

[suzieb]

Hi! I'm new here having just discovered the forum. I guess I'm in need of some constructive help and advice so I'd appreciate it if anyone could supply some. I am so ashamed of myself and the things I have done. Please if you feel like insulting me or saying something nasty to me I'd rather you didn't answer the post because I don't think that would be helpful to me at all. I know the things I've been doing are wicked and manipulative and I want to stop being the way that I am. I don't know what has caused me to be this way and I'd like some answers.

I am a mature single mother of two, one adult and one teenager. Mostly I'm fairly level headed and 'normal'. I hold down a responsible job and also do voluntary work. Today the realisation that my life is following a destructive pattern has hit me. I wonder if anyone could tell me why I do the things I do and how to put a stop to it.

I had a turbulent relationship with someone for 4 years; this ended 2 years ago although we continued to see each other with 'certain benefits'. I still love him dearly and despite the fact that I know we have lots of differences I wanted to continue in some form of relationship with him for as long as possible if not forever. A month or so ago my 'ex' told me he had started a relationship with someone else. I took this really badly and went on a course of destruction. First I made up a story about me being pregnant and having a miscarriage. Then I upset the new woman in his life really badly by telling her that he had been seeing me at the same time as her (this was a fact) and also by sending her letters and anonymous email (not illegal in my country) basically rubbing that fact in. I also took to sitting outside her house (I wasn't seen) to check whether he was there or not. Ironically by the time I managed to track her down and start being malicious the relationship had already finished unbeknown to me! As you might expect my 'ex' who was also a dear friend for 10 years before we became an item no longer wants to see or speak to me because of the upset I caused. Am I becoming obsessional?

10 years ago I met up with the father of my daughter again. I had not seen him for about 12 years. Despite the fact that I knew he was now married with four young children I slept with him again. I justified this with the fact that I still loved him as the relationship had never come to a natural conclusion and it was simply circumstances that had kept us apart. I felt it wasn't really comitting adultery because he was the father of my child! Not content with that I then set about making sure his wife found out. I knew deep down there was no chance that our relationship could be rekindled because he lived in a different country to me. My next move was to try to make him feel pain/sympathy (I don't know what) by telling him I'd been pregnant and lost the child. Consequently he severed all contact with me and my daughter.

20 or so years ago I was in a relationship with someone who eventually decided he was going to go back to his former fiancee. Same story as above.

30 years ago. I met someone who was married, at work. We had a very intense affair and were deeply in love. His wife was pregnant but I made sure she found out he was having an affair by sending her an anonymous letter purporting to be from a well intentioned neighbour. He left her and came to live with me for a few weeks but was under such pressure from his family that he decided to go back to her. Again I did the pregnancy thing.

I didn't have a great childhood. I always felt as though I was being punished for my mum being abandoned when she was pregnant with me. There wasn't a lot of love shown. My teenage years were completely horrendous.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????? How do I stop it?

 

[Eunoia]

ok, 1st of all these forums aren't meant to have people insult each other or be discouraging so don't worry about that- if someone were to post something like that it would be against the rules and it would be taken care of. w/out even having read your whole post I can tell you right now that none of us know 100% why you do the things you do, I think only you know that and if you feel like you don't, eventually you will know w/ the help of someone else maybe.

I think the problem w/ relationships where you're not 100% committed but still have "certain benefits" is that it is very difficult to keep emotions out of that. Some claim they can do so, but often even if you have the best intentions, your emotions do get involved.... if you had a relationship w/ this person for 4 yrs and were friends for 10 yrs it makes sense why your feelings were mixed up in this. And he was hurt by what you did, so his feelings were involved as well. If you're seeing someone w/ "benefits" but no real committment, there isn't anything to hold either one of you back to pursue a relationship, like your ex did. So you have to ask yourself, if those were the conditions of your relationship these past 2 yrs, why did it bug you so much to see him w/ someone else? The answer could be that you did care about him (having been in a relationship w/ this person b/f) and maybe you did want something more than just "benefits".

the same thing that happened now w/ your ex sounds like what happened w/ the father of your daughter 10 yrs ago. Sometimes people try desperate measures to hold on to what they think is theirs or what they want, even at the expense of other people's lives. Justifying those decisions the way you have done in a way allows you to do them, b/c otherwise, how could you live w/ those decisions, right? I'm not judging you as a person, but I am saying that that's what our minds do- justifying our behaviour in order to keep going, I guess. the problem though is that not only do others judge us based on our behaviour but there's also consequences, such as your daughter's father disconnecting any contact w/ you and your daughter at her expense.

It really sounds like all your relationships (or the ones that meant something to you beyond the "benefits") have the same pattern of setting yourself up for desctruction, w/ a general lack of trust and wanting to take back what's "yours" at the expense of others. but in the end, you have to ask yourself, who wins in these situations? you? no. the people you are having a relationship, affair w/? no. their families? no. clearly even pretending like you are pregnant w/ their child is not enough to keep them in a relationship, so that says that there's more than one thing that's wrong w/ the situation/ relationship.

not having had a great childhood and feeling like you were being punished for your mom being abandoned when she had you, could definitely have contributed to all these destructive patterns. If love wasn't shown you may be trying to desperately hold on to some love- even if there is no real love to begin w/. You have realized what all of this has done to you and your happiness (or lack thereof) and how it has affected so many people in your life (old partners, your children etc.) and it is very difficult to break cycles, especially if long standing. But it's not impossible. You want to stop doing the things you do and that's a great 1st start. I think there's a lot of issues to be worked through and a lot of patterns to break and even understand... and understand who you are after all of this and how you can get to a point where you do feel loved and can trust someone in a relationship and not continue on destructive pathways. I would definitely encourage you to go talk to a therapist about all of this. For your own sake, and your childrens'. You said you were affected by your mom and her being abandoned when she had you, you may inadvertantly be affecting your kids as well w/ your behaviour. But it's never too late. It's not about you being a bad person, you do have a job, you volunteer, you have two children that I'm sure bring you joy. But deep down something's missing, and you try your very best to be loved, to hang onto old relationships and the past and to feel secure- but you need to find other ways to feel better about yourself and your life and a therapist could help you do that. I hope for you that you are able to turn things around.

 

[suzieb]

I think the problem w/ relationships where you're not 100% committed but still have "certain benefits" is that it is very difficult to keep emotions out of that. Some claim they can do so, but often even if you have the best intentions, your emotions do get involved.... if you had a relationship w/ this person for 4 yrs and were friends for 10 yrs it makes sense why your feelings were mixed up in this. And he was hurt by what you did, so his feelings were involved as well. If you're seeing someone w/ "benefits" but no real committment, there isn't anything to hold either one of you back to pursue a relationship, like your ex did. So you have to ask yourself, if those were the conditions of your relationship these past 2 yrs, why did it bug you so much to see him w/ someone else? The answer could be that you did care about him (having been in a relationship w/ this person b/f) and maybe you did want something more than just "benefits".

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Its going to take me some time to absorb all that you have said. I know that I did/do still have feelings for R and I also know that he did (before all this) have feelings for me. I also know that he felt guilty about as he saw it; using me for the 'benefits'. He felt that if he couldn't offer me a proper relationship it wasn't fair to sleep with me. I did not feel used at all because I loved him and it was a way to be close and connected to him. When we split up over 2 years ago we both still loved each other but couldn't seem to make a relationship work because he has issues from his marriage break up which he can't come to terms with after 6 years and I clearly have issues. I can see now that it was a mistake to accept his friendship at all because as you say after being friends for 10 years and then lovers for 4 feelings were bound to be mixed up. For me the relationship never really ended because hope was there every time I saw him or spoke to him. Three weeks before he dropped the bombshell I had indicated that I may be ready to move on (clearly I wasn't but I felt it was time) and that I'd booked a last minute holiday and was intending meeting up with an ex who I keep in touch with (hanging on to the past again?) whilst I was there. He was almost in tears when I told him this and I think but obviously can't second guess this, that he decided at that point to retaliate by starting a relationship with this woman who he had previously worked with and sometimes saw when he was out socially. The fact that he finished it either just before or during my holiday (only a couple of weeks after he told me he was seeing someone) seems to point to this. I did send him a text message whilst I was on holiday to say that I wouldn't be sleeping with my 'old flame' because there was no attraction there now. When I saw him on my return he was so pleased to see me. We had a wonderful evening and he was so relaxed and happy. Then the very next day he phoned me and said that what had happened the previous night couldn't happen again. He said it wasn't fair on J and that I wouldn't have liked it when he was seeing me so it had to stop. His voice was cold and distant and on reflection he didn't sound himself. Of course I know now that the email (which was anonymous but anyone with half a brain could work out where it had come from)had arrived on J's computer that day. I recently found out that he wasn't even seeing her at that point. I think he was completely panicked and didn't know what to do for the best but could see that having a friendship with 'benefits' was dangerous with me.

I am considering having therapy/counselling because I can't risk this happening again. It is so expensive to do it privately though and to do it through the UK National Health Service is such a long waiting list I could be months and months getting an appointment.I am so disgusted with myself and my life. I'm about to be a grandmother and I want to enjoy that and make a success of it so I need to be well. Sometimes I feel as though I have a monster inside me. Most of the time I'm kind and caring but then this horrible me breaks through and attacks innocent people.[/quote]

 

[Eunoia]

I'm not saying I have all the answers, I am so far from that! but I was trying to give you my interpretation of things you've said and pass on a few things I've learned or seen peope take from these situations... see, if he felt guilty about using your for "benefits" w/out a proper relationship, that should have been a red flag- a good thing! but as you said, you didn't care about that if this was the only way to have some of him, to have him in your life, to feel loved on some level. but the person at whose expense this came in the end was your own, b/c this isn't the way you should live in order to feel loved by someone, espec. if there is such a great risk of even this falling apart (if the other person enters a relationships- as he did, or if the expectations aren't reciprocated). It sounds like you two broke up more out of individual reasons, b/c you were both having "issues" in your own lives, him from his past marriage and you in your life. so it makes sense why you would hold on to hoping things would stay the same or that at least he'd still be a big part in your life. and it's definitely difficult loosing someone completely from one day to the next after having known them on different levels for 10 yrs! has he ever considered counselling for his marriage breakup issues?

if you felt like you were "ready to move on" and break things off to rekindle w/ your other ex, why would you text him on your holidays even after knowing he was involved w/ someone else? what I'm saying is that as you said yourself, it sounds like you weren't ready to "move on", and neither was he, or at least not ready to let go of each other completely, and the security w/ knowing you had one "stable" thing in your lives. maybe he was scared of falling back into old habits when you saw each other after your holiday, maybe of the feelings he had for you which did not seem right b/c he was seeing someone else, maybe he was afraid of what you were expecting of him... you're right, he probably realized he was in for more than just a relationship w/ "benefits" w/ you... clearly you had feelings for him (and he for you on some level). but often, these relationships also have an element of convience, ie. it's ok as long as everything goes according to plan, but as soon as one person starts expecting more time, more affection, more committment and the other person isn't on the same level, they no longer work... it's like the "terms" of this kind of relatinship are broken.... only that it was not built on trust or committment or love to begin w/.

do consider therapy/ counselling... you've waited this long, so much has happened, if it takes another couple of months for the waiting list I guess that's better than nothing, right?? also consider what means the most to you, if you are unhappy w/ your life, yourself and want to change things then maybe even private therapy for a bit could help... there's many therapies now where they don't expect a client to be in therapy for 5 yrs!!! enjoying being a grandmother is seperate from all of this, all of your failed relationships, or your past. I know this means a lot to you, to change things, but the wonderful thing about babies is they love you no matter what. Don't let your past affect you being ablet to enjoy being a grandmother. Maybe this will even help you see things in a different light and focus on something positive and enjoy just being loved for who you are right at this moment. All of what you have mentioned is you, but you're not a "monster" b/c of any of it... the best of luck to you!

 

[suzieb]

Thank you so much for this.? I took your advice and I'm having counselling now.? Its going quite well and many issues from my childhood have come up.? I think there are more to come.? It seems I am also suffering from an addiction to R.? I am currently trying to break this but to date haven't managed more than two weeks apart.? It may be different from now on though because we have had a terrible row and he says he never wants to see or speak to me again. Maybe this is what I need, although he has said that before and phoned me after a couple of weeks. We had been seeing each other on a regular basis for 'benefits' since I made my original post. Yes he did forgive me in the end! but I was constantly wanting more, even though I wasn't admitting it.? Every time he called me I would convince myself that I was hopelessly in love with him even though I could see perfectly well that we weren't suited and that he was not the kind of man I wanted to spend my life with.? I have met another man who is a widower and is kind, gentle and loving.? He is everything R is not and on paper at least everything I've ever wanted in a man.? He actually wants to spend time with me and if I can break my addiction to R. I am sure we will be able to have a fulfilling relationship.? All I can manage at the moment is to have a couple of dates a week with him and no physical contact beyond a hug and a quick kiss.? The new man is prepared to take things at my pace which is good.? I think I'll be in counselling for a long time and I just hope that he is prepared to wait until I'm ready to take a step further.? Thanks again for your help. Incidentally my counsellor has said pretty much the same things to me as you said in your posts which I find very reassuring.

 

[Eunoia]

I am so happy that things are going better for you!!! and that you're seeing a counsellor- I think that will continue to help you a lot. It's tough at times but stick with it, it'll pay off. Keep on taking things at your pace- only you know what you feel comfortable with and ready to do and when to take things further w/ this new person- for now, it might just be a good idea to keep on focusing on you and taking things as they come... with he help of your counsellor. I really am happy for you, thanks for the update! and I'm glad you found some answers here, but you deserve most of the credit b/c you wanted to do something about it, opened yourself up to people, and then decided to go to counselling to tackle... so really, good for you!