Why won't my children 10/12 talk about love or cuddle??

[olikat]

I'm really concerned as my children aged 10 and 12 will not talk of love, or offer any affection. If I move towards my daughter (10), and go to cuddle her, she will move away. My son will do the same. The most I can expect from them is for them to allow me to kiss them on top of the head to say goodnight. This has been going on for a number of years now. I kept thinking they would grow out of it, but they haven't. We had to leave their father nearly three years ago due to abuse. Not sexual abuse, but physical, and mental torture. At a young age, they saw their father pin me up against walls and kitchen units to grope me. They saw me push him away. I tell them I love them, but when I ask them, even in a jokey way if they love me, they do not answer. I am concerned for them, and also feel very empty. I feel that one of the rewards most people get from nurturing their children is the odd cuddle or kiss. I see it all around me with friends, and feel as though I've done something really bad for them to not talk of love.

Wondering if anyone has any ideas, or can throw some light on this subject.

Thank you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Some children are more private than others by nature, I think. It doesn't mean there is necessarily anything wrong with them.

Were your children ever any different? Did they change at some point?

 

[olikat]

Thank you for replying so soon.

Yes, they were very different. They would hug and cuddle me, and I have cards from them at the age of 5 telling me they love me. I felt very special in their world at one point but now I feel almost invisible. This could of course be partly my problem as I have had a LOT going on. I'm concerned that they are not going to be able to form warm loving relationships in later life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It might be either the difference in age (maturation, developmental stages) or the result of intervening experiences (witnessing domestic violence, followed by parental separation, possibly leaving them with concerns about what "love" really means and/or anger/resentment toward the parents for disprupting their lives.

If feasible, having them see a child psychologist for an evaluation wouldn't be a bad idea...

 

[olikat]

I think your observations are probably correct. In fact, I wondered, but could never vocalise it in the way that you have. With the experiences they have, they may well be left wondering what "love" really does mean. The anger and resentment could well be towards me because I dragged them away from the family home. I don't feel we are going to be able to move forward as a warm loving family until I do seek help of some sort.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think so. Good luck, olikat.

 

[olikat]

Thank you.

 

[Eunoia]

I just wanted to add that I think that by no means do they want you to feel empty inside, they love you b/c you're their mom but they could possibly be confused b/c you've had a lot going on and be hurting from witnessing the abuse and being seperated from their dad and family. I know your intentions are good, but children can have a difficult time understanding the "politics" or actual reasons behind actions. They don't necessarily understand that you love them no matter what, even if you've said so. I used to be very close w/ my mom but b/c of a lot of family issues I've come to find myself in a position where most of the time I can't say "I love you" anymore, b/c as much as she gives, she takes away so much when she's being hurtful. And that's sad. The meaning of her words, though meant well and probably the truth, lose their meaning in the greater context. I know it's not the same situation w/ you and your kids, I was just trying to say that this is an important factor, especially if they used to be "okay" w/ things like this. I think if you give your children a medium to explore these issues in (ie. talking to a therapist) they may be able to understand why they're feeling the way they are, and realize it's okay to display affection like they used to (hearing this from someone "objective" may help). Good luck!