Why?

[AmZ]

I won't go in to detail for obvious reasons and I'm trying to tread as carefully as I can.

I have scarring on the top left of my arm and I always have sleeves down below my elbows so nobody sees the scars. I however am craving to self-harm more in the same area and it's driving me crazy. Like I want to self-harm all on my upper arms and be left with scars. Who would even wish this upon themselves and why? I'm trying to understand it. Thx

 

[gooblax]

I think the reasons are often different from person to person.
A couple that come to my mind is validation of emotions (eg. "I can see and feel this, it was done because I was feeling ____, therefore the feeling was real, serious, and warrants attention/care/understanding."), an attempt to prove 'strength', or to try and reduce guilt. Scarring can be seen and often felt by running fingers over the area, and that could be used as a sort of reassurance technique.

Whatever the reasons, though, there are certainly more healthy ways of dealing with them.

 

[AmZ]

Thanks for the reply. I can relate to what you said.

I'm trying to work on this, I really am. But finding these self-harm urges quite strong. I'm thinking in my mind that it doesn't matter if I harm myself. That if it helps then it helps. Nobody needs to know. But I know that that is a bad route to go down.

I'm kind of not feeling bad about it and the thought of doing it. I usually am.

I feel like its part of me.

Thoughts of me going in to a coma and dying are also feeling somewhat peaceful in me. It's hard to explain.

 

[AmZ]

I self-harmed last night but I'm ok.

Didn't need to go to the hospital or anything.

I'm scared that I will Get thrown out of the program. I think that I maybe need to just move to the hospital and tell them there.

- - - Updated - - -

I met with my psychologist just now. Didn't tell him about the self-harming. If I would tell him, then he'd tell the manager and I'd get thrown out of the program. I signed on Friday that I won't do anything to myself over the weekend. And I signed a contract when I first came which said about the no self-harm policy.

I spoke with the psychologist about scary and unpleasant events that happened both in the open ward and the closed ward of the hospital and that I am scared to go. The conversation finished there and I'm still in the rehabilitation program.

It doesn't look like I'm going to make the move and say that I need to go and my psychologist isn't either.

Even though I was having bad dreams and bad thoughts all night, I still went to work and we are hoping that things will be better this week.

I don't know what's going to happen.

Very difficult situation.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's really not a difficult situation, AmZ. You are making it difficult.

The decision is simple: If you like where your life is now and you like feeling the way you've been feeling, stay put. If not, tell the staff you want to go back to the hospital and start working as hard as you can on changing how you react to things in life and how you cope with your fears and anxieties. The choice is between that status quo (stagnation) or change (growth, moving forward).

 

[AmZ]

Yeah. I see where you are coming from.

I agree.

I know it's the dumbest thing but I think I'm going to do something before I go back in to hospital.

I don't know. I can't tell them about the self-harming otherwise I'll be thrown out completely of the program.

The only thing that's on my mind is about all of those sleeping pills in the cupboard.

I'm going now to a big group meeting with the manager of the program. I really don't know what to do. Even though, the answer is to go to the hospital.

It's like I want someone to tell me to go rather than making the move off my own back.

I'm really confused. One minute OK and then a couple of minutes of bad thoughts, then I'm OK again maybe for a few hours. Just down in the dumps.

Hmm.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think that's exactly the issue: You want someone to tell you what to do. And your mental health workers are trying to help you take responsibility for your decisions. If you make the decision, how that works out for you and where that decision takes you is your own responsibility.

Go back to the hospital before you do something really dumb that you'll regret.

Stop withholding information. "I'll be thrown out of the program if I disclose"? No, you'll be sent back to hospital, where you need to be right now in any case. It's beginning to look like your self-destructive behavior is in fact a way for you to make that happen.

So stop this dangerous game. Tell them what has been going on and tell them you need to be in the hospital. Do it today.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi AmZ go to hospital hun ok YOU take charge now you make the decisions to get you in a place of healing When you make the decisions it makes you in charge of your life hun you have control ok Do what is going to help you hun not harm you Do what Doctor Baxter has said to do get into hospital and no more causing you harm hugs

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Dr Baxter. I appreciate your time and effort in trying to get me to do the right thing.

I hear what you're saying.

I think it's just (I use the word 'just' lightly) the self-harming which I would carry on and not tell them about. I know that's no good either.

I don't see what is helping me (medications still) or who is helping me (all staff members). The psychologist has literally nothing to say to me and I feel unworkable.

I'm beating myself up about it and blaming myself - I think I must be an idiot.

That's the truth.

2 years of feeling like an idiot... you even know that the first therapist I was with (the Canadian one) for 8 months before my hospitalisation? A week before we decided that I should be hospitalised, she told me that she doesn't think she can help me and can recommend other therapists for me. I spent $19,200 USD on therapy with her and all that was happening was that I was feeling worse until I went in to hospital.

Then a year of being with the therapist in the hospital. Still no progress. Still the same rhetoric.

Now 2 months with this psychologist at the rehab program - He's very quiet, doesn't challenge my thoughts, doesn't really respond to me, just nods. I get so frustrated in therapy with him and just walk out feeling worse.

I'm sorry - Like I'm going around bitching about everyone - I am not doubting their experience and skills, I blame myself for it, not them.

I'm so stubborn that I can't see my future. Oh boy, I won't go in to all of it again.

I think I won't go to the work in the morning and instead I'll walk to the manager's office and tell her about the self-harming and that I am going to hospital. She's going to go crazy about the self-harming so I hate to say it, but I am tempted to not tell her. Just go to the hospital and be where I need to be.

 

[Banned]

Oh AmZ. I see so much of my life 3-4 years ago in you now. I know what it's like to be that resistant to everything and everyone, so I don't really have any advice for you but to tell you that if and when you decide to do the work, your life will be beyond anything you can imagine.n I'm at a year and a half of no depression, self injury, thoughts of suicide, self-sabotaging behaviour and it's an amazing life.

You have the help and resources available, but as has been said numerous times you need to work with them instead of against them and change won't happen overnight. It's like a jigsaw puzzle - one piece at a time and eventually it all comes together in time.

Good luck.

 

[grapefruit968]

I understand how being incarcerated is not desirable to you based on your past experiences; however, I am agreeable with the suggestions above - in that before you negotiate your situation further, hospitalization is the choice you need to make now, no ifs ands or buts.

Good luck to you.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you for your replies - I really appreciate them greatly.

I just met with one of the care workers and chickened out. I was going to tell her about the self-harming but it's already 8pm and I don't want to go now to the emergency room of the hospital I was at which is an hour away. By the time I did everything the first time around I was taken in to my room at midnight and had to creep around and it wasn't comfortable.

The care worker was talking about how I have been succeeding the last couple of weeks with all the thoughts of hurting myself and stuff and not doing anything. Woopsy.

I don't know what I'm doing. Just crawling in to bed and deciding what I'm doing tomorrow morning. I'm really in a pickle. I really don't think I'll do anything that is a risk to my life. Then I think that I don't need to go to the hospital.

Ugh, it make me shivers just at the thought of walking back in there with my suitcase. Going to the emergency room and being asked maths questions (100 minus 7, minus 7, minus 7 - count, etc) and common sense questions.

I said I'd never go back there and I can't face all of the nurses again like I've failed, it's embarrassing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Don't you see what's happening, AmZ? You are keeping things from the staff there, leading them to believe you're doing much better than you really are. How do you expect people to help you if you aren't honest with them? How do you expect your situation to improve - or indeed to do anything except get worse - if you don't tell them what's really going on?

They can't read your mind.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

And no matter how many rationalizations you come up with for NOT telling them or NOT going to the hospital, they are all just excuses in the end.

 

[AmZ]

Yeah, I know you're right.

I'm just terrified about getting thrown out of the program. I know it's my own fault.

---------- Post Merged on June 18th, 2012 at 12:48 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 17th, 2012 at 08:56 PM ----------

This decision is keeping me awake. It's just before 1am.

So much going around in my head.

---------- Post Merged on June 18th, 2012 at 02:00 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 17th, 2012 at 08:56 PM ----------

2am.

Weird and unpleasant dreams ..

Anyway, pretty sure you've had enough from me. I've had enough of myself.

Blah blah.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Going back to the hospital is not "getting thrown out of the program". It is a step back to regroup, not a failure.

 

[AmZ]

I don't think that going back to the hospital is getting thrown out of the program - I'm worried that she'll throw me out anyway because I've broken the rules 3 times now.

1am, 2am, 3am, 4am wake-up. Now 4.20am.

Weird dreams again. Woke up crying just now. My pillow wet.

I just wonder if I have the strength in me to fight this without going back to the hospital.

They agreed that I can have 1 day off of work a week to do what I like. So it's really good, I'll just be working Sunday and Monday, then Wednesday and Thursday.

Maybe I'll get up and go to work in the morning and see what happens. But I'm tired, that's the only thing.

I'm may be fooling myself, I don't know.

I've been reasonably ok the last few days, darn, asides from SI on Saturday night.

Sorry I must be so frustrating.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think that going back to the hospital is getting thrown out of the program - I'm worried that she'll throw me out anyway because I've broken the rules 3 times now.

I doubt this, if you tell her at the same time you need to return to hospital.

I just wonder if I have the strength in me to fight this without going back to the hospital.

I think recent events have suggested that the answer to that question is no.

I'm may be fooling myself, I don't know.

I've been reasonably ok the last few days, darn, asides from SI on Saturday night.

You are fooling yourself and you really haven't been okay, not even reasonably okay, at all lately. Maybe one day out of 7 is a good day... even that may be an overestimate.

 

[AmZ]

Gotcha. You're right, thanks.

Yikes, I'm nervous.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Making changes can be scary. Use that nervousness as a sign that you're probably on the right track. When your life is going well, safety is continuing to do the same familiar things, even though it's crustal clearn that they are not working for you.