Why?

[AmZ]

Thanks Dr Baxter.

I don't know. I don't mean to be so frustrating. I think I won't go to work but will stay in bed as I've only slept an hour here and there.

Then I'm fooling myself again that I'll be ok and just see how the day goes. I don't know. It's very confusing. I feel ok. I know I've had bad days but I still don't know if it warrants going back to that hospital.

Sorry for being so stubborn and difficult.

---------- Post Merged at 12:04 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:57 AM ----------

Looks like my move is going to happen today.

I didn't go to work this morning.

Just walked down to the other building to talk with the manager of the program and she's not in yet. Will be in about 1pm so I'll go back then.

I know that she's going to say that I should go to the hospital. She's already said that she and the staff can't worry about me 24/7 and they can't offer me 24/7 support.

As soon as I tell her what's on my mind (without her even knowing about the fact that I self-harmed), it's going to be enough for her to say that I should go back to the hospital.

I self-harmed again. {detail removed}

All that's on my mind is to not go to the hospital and {detail removed}. I can't carry on like this.

I constantly want to self-harm. Even thinking about being in the closed ward and what I could possibly do. Very limited though so think it'll be OK.

---------- Post Merged at 02:08 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:57 AM ----------

I'm on the way to the hospital. A care worker is taking me in her car. Wish me luck :/

I'm saving my life basically. I was planning on doing something tonight.

 

[AmZ]

So, I'm in the hospital.

Me and my care worker waited 2 hours in the emergency to be seen by a psychiatrist.

The woman in front of me turns out to be American and is also in the open ward. I'm in a room with my previous American roommate who is still here which is nice.

They gave me an IV for fluids and are giving me Ensure drinks because I'm not eating properly. Cleaned where I self-harmed. Doing blood tests tomorrow to check everything (and my thyroid again).

Lots of questions and he was pretty tough going and I cried because he was giving me such a hard time. What can ya do? It was ok in the end, we made friends.

I somehow have managed to go in to the open ward of the hospital. There was ONE spare bed!

Wow, it was all drama going off in the closed ward. I couldn't be in there. A woman hands and legs chained together, some woman running up and down smashing herself in to the door, police, army, guns, the whole shabang.

They're adding a new medication tomorrow and I'll be coming off of the Seroquel fast but not too fast. I forgot the name of the medication they want to put me on.

My social worker, psychologist and psychiatrist all came to visit me in the emergency room and gave me a hug and said it'll be ok. They're really nice.

And my roommate, dad, sister, a guy from the rehabilitation program, psychologist and manager of the program all called to see if I'm ok.

I'll be having a panel meeting in the morning with all the staff (a lot of staff) which isn't so enjoyable but has to be done.

I tried to say about the OCD thing and again it was shrugged off as 'if it's mild, then it doesn't matter now'. I'll bring it up with my psychiatrist in this ward tomorrow and hope she'll hear me.

It took from 3pm to 8pm to get me seen and signed in and my care worker stayed with me for all of it. She's really sweet.

I'm feeling at ease here which is a good thing and a bad thing because I can't stay here my whole life! Hopefully I'll manage to get stronger and quickly and I'm hoping that the new medication will help out too.

I want to say thank you to everyone on the forum here who have been supporting me for all of these months, especially these very difficult few weeks. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without you guys.

 

[forgetmenot]

Make sure your pdoc hears you ok write down everything OCD and everything else that needs to be said and hand it to pdoc who will read it Glad you are in open floor hun

 

[AmZ]

Thanks Eclipse, will do.

Still on my list two years later is to sort my sleep out. And depression. 2 rather large things.

It's 4.40am and I've been awake for over an hour. (can't say the snoring roommate helps). Its something that really needs sorting out. Cant function like this.

---------- Post Merged at 11:20 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:42 AM ----------

Feeling quite strong. I see and feel myself differently this time being here. I didn't sleep well but at least I didn't have to get up at 6.30am for work. Just in the art room now talking with people.

I have a panel meeting at 1.30pm (question time) and they'll tell me which new medication I'm starting on today. For some reason they decreased the Prozac from 80mg to 60mg.

Hope everyone is well.

---------- Post Merged at 02:54 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:42 AM ----------

Looks like they're putting me on Valporal.(valproic acid? Is the same thing?) Does anyone know about this medication? Info very sparse on Google. Looks like its an anti-seizure medication used to stabilise moods too. Like Lamictal which I was on?

So nice. I'm out in the middle of nowhere and my psychologist from the rehab program just turned up. Brought me some food and drink.

Luckily was 5 minutes before my panel meeting so he came in the meeting and spoke also which was really helpful. Maybe there is a God after all.

 

[AmZ]

I'll ask my psychiatrist on Thursday about the medication. The only reason why
I'm asking here is because my psychiatrist doesn't work tomorrow and I'm starting the medication tomorrow. You know me, I like to be an informed consumer. If anyone knows more about the medication then I'd be grateful for the information.

I know that everyone reacts differently to medications but I have two previous roommates that were on this medication and they both said it's a very powerful drug and they both reported hair loss and various side effects. I'm pretty sure they had to have blood tests all the time which I am not good at. Anyway, don't worry, I'm not shooting the idea down about taking this medication. If my psychiatrist recommends it then I'll take it.

I feel myself so different here this time. I'm talking to people, looking at them in the eyes, which I didn't really do before. Standing up for myself more, more confident.

With that being said, I'm a little disturbed today and am finding myself having thoughts (visual) which are rather unpleasant. A 26 year old girl was hospitalised here when I was here before for a few months. She left the hospital the other week, acted like she's fine and on the same day, ended her life. She had 3 little kids and a husband. My roommate told me what she did and it's disturbing to say the least. It's just going around in my head again and again.

I know that I am feeling calmer and better because I am here and remember the same thing happened in my previous hospitalisation. It lasted a couple of weeks and then I broke down. I'm worried that we're not going to be able to see my real situation so won't know if the new medication is working. Know what I mean? Maybe I'll need to be here longer because of it?

 

[Retired]

Here is what you need to know about valproic acid:

If you are taking the sprinkle capsules, you may notice the medication beads in your stool. This is normal and does not mean that you did not get the full dose of medication.

If you have diabetes and your doctor has told you to test your urine for ketones, tell the doctor that you are taking valproic acid. Valproic acid can cause false results on urine tests for ketones.

Before having any laboratory test, tell your doctor and the laboratory personnel that you are taking valproic acid.

Do not let anyone else take your medication. Ask your pharmacist any questions you have about refilling your prescription.

It is important for you to keep a written list of all of the prescription and nonprescription (over-the-counter) medicines you are taking, as well as any products such as vitamins, minerals, or other dietary supplements. You should bring this list with you each time you visit a doctor or if you are admitted to a hospital. It is also important information to carry with you in case of emergencies.

As you have correctly said, everyone responds differently to each medication, so the experience of someone else is no indication of what you can expect. You just don;t have enough information about the situation of others to draw any conclusions.

What is important is that you focus on the potential benefits of the medication, and the anticipated relief of symptoms. However, if you notice anything unusual, you need to report this to your doctor. Sometimes it just needs a slight modification in dose.

So, in summary, make sure your doctor knows all the facts about your medications, your symptoms and your concerns, and keep your focus on getting better. There may be some occasional and often transient side effects while your body becomes accustomed to any medication change, but if these side effects persist, report to your doctor.

I'm talking to people, looking at them in the eyes, which I didn't really do before. Standing up for myself more, more confident.

Sounds like good progress to me!

 

[AmZ]

Thank you Steve. Much appreciated. I'm pretty sure that this is the medication they want to put me on. Guess I'll find out tomorrow either way!

Funny, the differences in opinions between different psychiatrists. The psychiatrist at the rehab program wanted to put me on Cymbalta, an SNRI and now in the hospital all of the psychiatrists agreed on this medication as a way forward. We hope.

I'm used to some funky side effects so I hope it'll be ok. In hospital they threw me from one drug to another. I was on Effexor for 5 months or so at 300mg/500mg (can't remember - but at max dosage). By the time I'd been in the hospital for two days, I was off of it completely!

I've had the whole benzo withdrawal too. Head buzzing internally and stuff and as soon as I took half a milligram, 15 minutes later, the side effects went away. Then I came off if it slower and it was ok.

I'll be honest. I'm pretty petrified at the possibility of feeling bad. Do I need to tell myself that it IS going to happen sometime? I guess it's the BPD and triggers that gets me going. I'm still very much learning what causes my mood to change.

I get comfortable feeling ok and then bang, it hits me. Then I feel bad and it feels like all is lost and I'm never going to feel better again.

It's such a roller-coaster ride. It really is.

I spoke with my dad and sister this evening and it was nice to report them positive things. But wow, I hate when it all goes wrong and I need to report them bad things. I need to remember, it was ONLY yesterday morning that I self-harmed. It feels like ages ago.

Guess I'm not as healthy as I feel right now. It's a very confusing experience.

Thank for the support

---------- Post Merged on June 20th, 2012 at 02:09 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 19th, 2012 at 08:50 PM ----------

Where'd everyone go? Your advice is much appreciated.

It's my 2am wake-up call. Strange. I must have some internal alarm clock going off!!

Now I don't know about getting back to sleep. Especially because of the snoring in the bed next to me. Wow.

---------- Post Merged on June 20th, 2012 at 03:52 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 19th, 2012 at 08:50 PM ----------

3.50am. Habe been up for two hours now. Can't fall back asleep.

I've had enough of sleep problems!

---------- Post Merged on June 20th, 2012 at 04:33 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 19th, 2012 at 08:50 PM ----------

4.30pm and still awake.

So annoying.

---------- Post Merged on June 20th, 2012 at 05:07 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 19th, 2012 at 08:50 PM ----------

Lalala. 5.05am. Still darn awake!! Starting to go crazy.

---------- Post Merged on June 20th, 2012 at 05:41 AM ---------- Previous Post was on June 19th, 2012 at 08:50 PM ----------

5.15am. Still going strong.
I'll stop talking to myself now!

 

[AmZ]

There you go. Feeling very bad today. Lack of sleep really affecting me. Feel like a dead weight. Have been in bed for a couple of hours and feel better for it but spent the morning with my head down on the table unable to get up or move. Managed to eat a tiny bit but couldn't chew on the food.

They raised the Prozac again to 80mg from 60mg yesterday and one of the nurses told me that they want to RAISE the Seroquel. I asked to come off of it and now they're saying they want to raise it. I'm already on 500mg. Not a happy bunny about it. I really don't think it's doing anything. I don't want to keep adding medications on top of medications. If something isn't doing something, I don't want to take it.

And that's it. They haven't added the new medication today. Just raising the Prozac and Seroquel.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

They raised the Prozac again to 80mg from 60mg yesterday and one of the nurses told me that they want to RAISE the Seroquel. I asked to come off of it and now they're saying they want to raise it. I'm already on 500mg. Not a happy bunny about it. I really don't think it's doing anything. I don't want to keep adding medications on top of medications. If something isn't doing something, I don't want to take it.

You are not a physician. You have no training in the use of medications.

They are trained in their professions. They know what they're doing. They are the experts, not you.

For your own sake, don't repeat past mistakes. You are the patient. They are the professionals. Let them do their jobs and stop arguing with them and second guessing or debating their decisions.

You've got a second chance here, AmZ. Want a different outcome than last time? Then stop doing what you did last time and let the professionals make the medical decisions.

 

[AmZ]

Fine, fine. I'm going with what they are doing. I just can't say that I'm going to be a happy bunny IF they increase both medications then I'll be on max dosage on all of them. And IF I still don't feel better, then they go to add another medication on top, I don't really want that. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be on as less medications as possible. For many reasons. Heath reasons, financially etc.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There you go again. I must have missed where you completed medical school and your residency in psychiatry.

Your life. Your choice.

But here's my advice: Start listening to your health care professionals and TAKING THEIR ADVICE instead of making their jobs more difficult by debating and second guessing every decision they make on your behalf.

Honestly, AmZ, this is getting old. This has NOT worked for you previously. This is NOT going to work for you now.

Step 1 is letting the health care professionals do their jobs. Again, you are the PATIENT, not the doctor.

 

[AmZ]

I just said fine, I am going with what they are doing!!

I may say that I'm not happy about this and that, but I always go with what they suggest. I asked to come off of the Seroquel with my psychiatrist at the rehab program and he said ok, so we started reducing it. If he would have said no, then I would carry on with it. And now they're saying they're raising it, I'm raising it.

 

[Banned]

Fine, fine. I'm going with what they are doing. I just can't say that I'm going to be a happy bunny IF they increase both medications then I'll be on max dosage on all of them. And IF I still don't feel better, then they go to add another medication on top, I don't really want that. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be on as less medications as possible. For many reasons. Heath reasons, financially etc.

Not to discourage you but it can take years to get someone's medication tweaked to the point that it works for them. Thats with a cooperative patient. You are so resistant to everyone and everything that until you realize that the medication and others cant do it all for you, even when the perfect med combo is found you might not even know it. You say fine fine you'll do what they want but that's an attitude of resignation, not cooperation. Until you put one foot in front of the other and do the real, hard, unpleasant work involved in getting better, your life is going to stay exactly as it is. I promise. Neuroplasticity is a huge gift from whomever you believe makes brains. It also helps the unwell get well.

I don't think you need soft coddling, which is why Im being blunt. You gotta pull up your socks and stop waiting for yourself to fall into the perfect everything, and start rowing your boat like mad to get to calmer seas.

 

[AmZ]

I can't say that it's easy going inbetween different psychiatrists. When I went for the first time to the psychiatrist in the rehab program even he questioned why I take Seroquel. He was like '600mg Seroquel?!' and raised his eyebrows. So it's not always so easy and straight cut. He wanted to put me on Cymbalta and I just checked with the nurse to see which changes are being made and so far just the Prozac has been moved to 80mg again and I've just taken 600mg Seroquel instead of 500mg.

It's certainly tough love here. I guess I must be very frustrating otherwise I wouldn't get reactions such as these. I really don't see what I'm doing wrong 'with everyone and everything' - EVERYONE has their own opinions about their meds, it's their bodies, and all it is is an opinion. I've always gone with what my doctors have said in the end. I just took 600mg Seroquel without a fuss.

---------- Post Merged at 08:26 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:23 PM ----------

If it's not one thing then it's something else. The depression lifts and then the anxiety sets in. For 4 hours I've been having heart palpitations, tight chested, feeling faint, a bit difficult to breathe, unpleasantries. I haven't asked for Clonazepam but it's getting a bit ridiculous and unbearable so I may ask.

Too much darn suffering.

Feeling rough.

 

[Banned]

It's not that it's tough love but it's input from healthier outsiders, which is why I assume you ask for input. If we said anything else it would a) be unethical b) untrue and c) enabling your behaviour. I don't think anyone here is interested in taking that kind of approach. You see it differently because your thoughts and perceptions are so distorted.

 

[AmZ]

Agree to disagree. I appreciate your input. I admit, I'm not the healthiest of people around here but I believe that you are exaggerating.

Re-read the responses. I don't believe that I am deserving of them. See my answers each time. Getting batted down because I am 'going against my doctors', but oh, I took the medication increase and didn't cause problems. I am going with what they are saying. I know their word is final.

I'm not going against my doctors. I may now and again purely have a different point of view after being a guinea pig for 2 years and being put on several meds at once. So far their technique hasn't worked so maybe it's time to try another technique.

I'm entitled to have my point of view and input also in to MY health.

 

[Retired]

after being a guinea pig for 2 years

The fact is that in treating this kind of illness with the state of the art medications currently available, it is a trial and error process to find the right combination of medications that reset the chemical balance in each individual. That chemical imbalance is different in every person, and at present there is no "one size fits all" in treating these disorders.

Sometimes it can take years to find the right combination for a person, and what's even more fascinating is that even though a particular compound did not relieve symptoms earlier, it may just be effective another time later on.

The process requires perseverance and patience by both the doctor, who uses his/her clinical experience as a guide, and by the patient who must comply with the doctor's recommended treatments and all the variations, all the while reporting accurately the current state of symptoms and side effects, if any.

It can be a lengthy, tedious and tiresome process, but if there is any hope of regaining control of your life and remission of symptoms, it's what needs to be done.

I'm entitled to have my point of view and input also in to MY health.

Agreed, you want to advocate for your own health care; but consider tempering your determination to compensate your own subjective perspective at this time. Your illness is adversely affecting your mood and your judgement, whereas your doctors are objective in their analysis and their recommendations for you. Consider allowing them to do their work, follow their recommendations and see if that strategy might produce different, and hopefully better results.

Please remember, the doctors are on your side.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you Steve. I hear you loud and clear and agree with everything you said. I'm really not trying to make things difficult for myself but I do understand that sometimes there are things to discuss or ask my doctor and I'm allowed to do so.

Very worried about my mental and physical state. I'm really trying to have faith in the doctors and medications but it's being a long battle.

Last night I slept from 11pm-2am. Didn't succeed in getting back to sleep. Now it's 1.30am and I've woken up again. I really can't let the same thing happen like happened last night again.

It really span me off in the wrong and bad way.

---------- Post Merged at 01:43 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:33 AM ----------

I went to the nurse's station and they gave me another Imovane. Hope it helps. Just feel wide awake again like last night.

---------- Post Merged at 03:59 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 01:33 AM ----------

It's 4am and I'm still awake even though I took another Imovane at 1.30am. Don't know why my sleep has been even worse in the hospital and what the possible options are left to me. I've since tried Remeron and Numbon but no such luck. Will bring it up with my psychiatrist today when I meet her.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's 4am and I'm still awake even though I took another Imovane at 1.30am. Don't know why my sleep has been even worse in the hospital and what the possible options are left to me. I've since tried Remeron and Numbon but no such luck. Will bring it up with my psychiatrist today when I meet her.

Because whenever you make a medication change it takes time for your body and brain to adapt to it.

 

[AmZ]

5am still wide awake. Going to the nurse's station and will ask for Clonazepam. I'm just now anxious about sleeping and then even more so, I can't sleep. No option to lay in bed in the morning and sleep a bit. Locked out of our rooms at 9.15am.

Anyway. Enough from me *grr* frustrated.

---------- Post Merged at 05:15 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:59 AM ----------

No Clonazepam for me. They don't want to give me another medication. Just told me good morning and ride it out for the next 3 1/2 hours till I need to get up.