Why?

[David Baxter PhD]

Three weeks here and my medications are still the same. They made no changes.

That is simply not true. Unless you lied to us previously when you described the changes you reported.

I’m trying to understand why because I’m obviously not feeling well. It’s peculiar and I don’t know what they are doing. I admit, I don’t want to blame them for me self-harming, however I’m not feeling well as it is, plus I’ve had the extra anger and frustration that there seems to be no plan with my meds.

But you are in fact blaming them. Also, you don't know that they don't have a plan since you're so reluctant to speak up and give the staff information or to ask questions.

What am I doing here?! I really feel like up and leaving because I feel like I’m wasting my time here.

Oh yeah. Leaving would certainly fix everything...

I just spoke with an American guy here and his advice was that I totally sit back and let my doctors do whatever they need to do.

Sounds like excellent advice to me.

I just want to feel progress.

But that's going to take effort and hard work from you too, as has been said.

Even if I start something new and it could take a few weeks to kick in (hopefully), at least something will happening!

And you are in a rush to get out and do... what?

Try and get me a bit more stable please!

A lot of that will be up to you and how hard you are willing to work.

Still wrong with what I'm saying about the meds?

Yes.

Can you see my frustrations at all?

Yes. Can YOU see how much of that is self-induced?

 

[AmZ]

I hear you.

Concerning the medication changes - I was at 80mg Prozac for a week and a half before being
Hospitalised. They moved it down
To 60mg for one day in the hospital. Then A week at 80mg and now moved me down to 60mg which I am taking.

Regarding the Seroquel. I was at 500mg when i came in to the hospital as my psychiatrist at the rehab program basically said WTF are you on 600mg Seroquel for. Depression. Obviously differences of opinions between doctors. I was only on 500mg for a few days before coming in to the hospital. Then on my second day in the hospital I had a big meeting with the staff and they agreed that I can come off if it. Obviously
Seems like it wasn't doing anything. But the next day, they put me up to 600mg again. So those were the "changes".

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You have mentioned a few others, including nozinan. Go back and read what you told us.

 

[AmZ]

Nozinan - that was given to me by an on-call psychiatrist (not my own). It was given to me to calm me down after SI. That night they also gave me 80mg Clozapine and I slept good. Since then, they won't let me take both medications together as they say it's too strong. So this night, I woke up at 1am and they gave me the Nozinan and I slept for 2 hours. Now it's 5am and I've been awake for two hours. So looks like this med isn't going to help me to sleep much either.

---------- Post Merged at 07:30 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:15 AM ----------

Sorry for being so moany but this is what it is.

God I hope that I'll be brought back to the open ward today. It's my ultimate dream. I really don't want to SI again.

Another restless nights sleep. Feeling cr@ppy.

---------- Post Merged at 01:42 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:15 AM ----------

I'm going literally crazy in here in the closed ward I know, consequences. In bed all day. Nowhere to go and nothing to do.

I asked 3 times for the nurses to ask to call my doctor and they've apparently called her and she said she's coming to speak to me today. There's two hours before she leaves for the day so I really hope she'll come. First, I'm going to try and get myself out of here, I don't have thoughts about SI. I just feel very depressed and deflated. Secondly, I want to know what the plans are with the medications. I think it's within my rights to politely ask for that info.

The stuff that's going on down here is ridiculous. I can't even begin to describe it.

---------- Post Merged at 04:35 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 05:15 AM ----------

Oh well. My psychiatrist didn't come to talk to me today (or yesterday) like the nurses had said.

I also called my psychologist to see if she could talk and she said she'd come at 4pm as she was working today. She didn't come but left a voicemail saying she hopes to come see me Wednesday. Damn, looks like I'm going to still be in here then. 2 more days.

I'm feeling extremely lonely and wound up with thoughts. I need to talk to a professional but I've been here since Saturday and haven't spoken to one psychologist or psychiatrist. It's all building up inside of me.

 

[AmZ]

Grr. I swear. I'm going to punch the wall.

 

[rdw]

What would that accomplish?

 

[AmZ]

Let some anger out. Feel something. I'm full up of bad feelings in many respects. Anxiety, depression, anger. Just had a panic attack because a guy triggered me (won't go in to details there, but it's like freaking trauma) and I stood for 10 minutes by the nurses office (they were eating) finding it hard to breathe (said that to them through the door) before a nurse came out and said he won't give me Clonazepam (now) and 80mg Clozapine (at 10pm) so gave me 40mg Clozapine.

It's a double edged sword, it really is. I'm having suicidal thoughts I feel so down and depressed. Here crying in bed. Feeling totally hopeless and helpless. Now I'm feeling suicidal!!

3 weeks now. Please do something with my Goddamn medications!

 

[Retired]

Please do something with my Goddamn medications!

As has been said, by several others, there is no medication magic bullet that is going to magically alleviate your symptoms.

Your attitude, your cooperation and your commitment to take control of your life in conjunction with your becoming engaged with the supportive psychotherapy programs provided by your therapists are the road to recovery.

Those of us following your struggle and observing your responses, see you battling every step of the way which seems to be keeping you stuck in the status quo.

You have been receiving so much good advice from so many Forum members, but you seem to resist acting on much of what is being offered to you, AmZ.

 

[AmZ]

I think I'm just screwed. I've been told all along that a medication or medications will help take the edge off of the depression, insomnia and anxiety. Now, 2 years later and I still seem to be stuck in the same place.

I've been working very hard on therapy for the last two years, I don't think that can be faulted. I've been open and honest and haven't hidden anything. I've done all of the homework that has been set, sometimes spending hours doing it.

I don't know what else I can do asides from just give up completely. Au revoir. Be done with it. Because I'm obviously that much of a failure. Please don't reply to this. I'm not looking for compliments. I am just s failure. Full stop. I don't know where I'm messing up.

80mg Clozapine and 7.5mg Imovane and the nurses are shocked that I'm still awake.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Well, I'm going to reply anyway. What are some things you have learned in therapy that can help you now?

 

[AmZ]

By the grace of God (possible to say), I am back in the open ward. I kept asking the nurses in the closed ward to call my psychiatrist so that I could speak with her. But she never came so my advocate, my sister, called to speak with her and said I've talked to nobody since I moved there on Saturday, I'm having a hard time in the closed ward (I know, consequences) etc. within 3 minutes my psychiatrist came to my room in the closed ward and gave me a nice smile and said 'did you miss us?' So I said yes. She said I just spoke with your sister and I can come back to the open ward. This place isn't for you. My roommate, at the time was being held down on her bed by 7 members of staff as she refused to receive an injection (her regular medication) so they did it by force. She was screaming, going crazy, very unpleasant to witness. I couldn't get out of the room quick enough as there were so many people in the way.

We spoke about medications and a week ago, she mentioned about T3, so they still want to give it to me but I don't know why they're still waiting on it. But I'm waiting patiently.

Well, I'm going to reply anyway. What are some things you have learned in therapy that can help you now?

Not much to be honest. I did CBT for a couple of months with my first psychologist and she said I was 'too far gone' to get any benefit out if it do we stopped and until then all I've done is talk therapy. I learned breathing exercises but that's pretty much that.

I spoke with the head nurse on my arrival back from the closed ward and she said she is going to give me a notebook where I write in the times I want to self harm, write down my thoughts and put it on a scale of 1-10. So free therapy from her!

Feeling much better coming back here but I know what has happened every time. I've come back from the closed ward feeling so much better and then I have a big dip again. So I am on guard.

 

[Banned]

You are more than aware of your thoughts and feelings so I don't understand how you can be too far gone for CBT. It IS work - hard work, but it's not rocket science either. I had someone get me started with the basics and took it from there. Wasn't a believer it would "work" for me but it works as much as you work it. Was very instrumental in getting me back on track. If I were you I'd find someone who can help you continue to learn those skills because it's very apparent you either don't have them or don't use them and until you have and use them you're just going to keep repeating the same behaviours.

 

[AmZ]

I'll for sure give it another go now. I am aware of my feelings i.e. anger but I most of the time don't see where the trigger came from. I think CBT can help with this, like writing out on a spreadsheet my feelings and the reasons for them
Etc.

Pretty bad anxiety the last couple of hours. It started with the nurses checking my blood pressure and it kept giving an error signal so it took 5 times to do it until we succeeded. The thing was tightening on me so much, it was making my arms go bright red and stopped my blood flow. Horrible.

Then, I don't know why... The last 3 hours or so, I've felt faint and had very strong heart palpatations. I can't put my finger on what triggered me. Just generally everything I think.

Anyway, I just got my "SOS" medication of 2mg Clonazepam so hope that'll help. Feel like I'm having a heart attack or something, God forbid.

---------- Post Merged on July 11th, 2012 at 02:34 AM ---------- Previous Post was on July 10th, 2012 at 09:13 PM ----------

Usual business. My weird 1am or 2am body clock waking me up. 1am today. I've slept for 2 hours. Have been
up for 1 1/2 hours. I took 2mg Clonazepam before bed because I had anxiety but didn't take the Clozapine as I sleep no differently when I take it compared to when
I do take it. I just feel wide awake now. They gave me the 80mg Clozapine now in the hopes that it will help me to sleep the rest of the night. But I've done this so many times and it's never worked so I doubt it's going to happen now.

That was the only pro about the closed ward, that they lock you out of your rooms at mealtimes and then open up again. But a majority of the day, you can be in your bed and I always caught an hour or two of sleep in the morning between breakfast and lunch.

This insomnia is driving me crazy. 2 years of this now also.

;(

---------- Post Merged on July 11th, 2012 at 04:41 AM ---------- Previous Post was on July 10th, 2012 at 09:13 PM ----------

4.30am and still awake. Went to the nurses office to tell them that the 80mg Clozapine did nothing and that I'm still awake. So they're putting it in the report which is read by all the psychiatrists, head psychiatrist, psychologists and nurses in the morning.

Can't continue on like this.

 

[Banned]

I'll for sure give it another go now. I am aware of my feelings i.e. anger but I most of the time don't see where the trigger came from. I think CBT can help with this, like writing out on a spreadsheet my feelings and the reasons for them.

That's a good start but hopefully you know that cbt isn't so much about documenting negative feelings but more about challenging distorted thoughts. Initially it is very challenging but eventually you train your brain and it becomes more automatic. Really basic example - you are driving your car and get to a really busy intersection. It seems like you'll never get across all that traffic. You get anxious and tense because you're saying to yourself "I'll never get across all this traffic.". Realistically, you will, so you need To challenge that thought by saying "well, traffic is busy and it might take a few minutes but I'll get across.".

Search cbt on here and you'll find some fantastic resources. You can document and take it to therapy and then maybe you'll start to learn something. I'm intentionally not posting the links because I think its important that you start to seek out the resources instead of just omplaining that nothing is going right.

 

[AmZ]

Yeah. I know that it's challenging them (thoughts) too. I used to do a spreadsheet of automatic thought, percentage of belief in it, feelings about the thought, proof to support the thought, evidence against the thought, alternate thought, percentage belief in it alternate thought, feelings about the alternate thought, proof for, evidence against, etc.

---------- Post Merged at 03:55 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:14 AM ----------

It seems that I have found out why they haven't changed my medications. They said that this hospitalisation I am 'less sad' so they've been debating about what to do with my medications. When I first arrived to the emergency room here, the psychiatrist said he doesn't think I have depression as I didn't break down crying. Then apparently he spoke with my psychologist and they spoke about it and then the psychiatrist agreed that I have depression. The social worker said this to me that the psychiatrists see me as 'less sad' this time and stronger and more angry than anything.

Hello. Crying in my bed. I need to report every single time this happens so that they'll believe me. Crying in the day room with my head down on the table. The same with my sleep too. They want me to walk to the nurses office every hour and report that I am still awake. So I haven't been reporting the depression symptoms enough. It seems. They want to still give me T3 and I have a meeting tomorrow with all the staff and we'll discuss everything. Then I guess I'll try and put across how I am feeling. Communication is lacking.

 

[AmZ]

5pm, Saturday evening (now) is by far the worst for me when I really want to self-harm. I have such an urge it's crazy. I think I'll do it and not tell anyone, but then
I know that gets me nowhere. Saturday nights are by far the worst. Like I could just get up now and do something.