Why?

[AmZ]

I'll be safer in the closed ward but that's about it. Everything else about it increases my depression and anxiety.

Seeing people in a state, people strapped to beds, a couple of physical fights per day. My roommate cursing my mum because I wouldn't let her use my phone. Air con on full blast and no way of being outside. Strict nurses that don't listen because they class everyone as the same in the closed ward - total loony bins so they slam the door on your face and don't listen to you.

When I was in there for 3 days, I spoke to no doctor and tried to speak to a nurse and it backfired on me.

You get better care in the open ward. Even though I still self-harmed. Nobody listens to you in the closed ward.

I don't know what to do. They're going to put me in there for a week I bet and I'll just be forgotten about there. Unable to have my therapy sessions or go and speak with my psychiatrist when I want to.

I'm sorry for myself and for being frustrating but I don't think I'm telling the nurses what I did.

I will speak with my psychiatrist tomorrow and see how that conversation goes. If it goes badly and I feel myself triggered from it I'll own up and be asked to be put in the closed ward. If it goes well with her then I'll at least have some positivity and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

According to you, no one listens to you in the open ward either...

And are you going to tell the psychiatrist tomorrow about this? Or is that going to also be another wasted sessions because you won't be honest but you will be angry when you don't feel better later.

You are just going around and around and around, AmZ, rationalizing, making excuses, and going nowhere, just waiting for someone to rescue you.

All of this really was just an excuse to SI then, as I said.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Did you read this yet, AmZ? Devaluation: The Slippery Slope in BPD.

And did you see "Today's Quote"?

"In between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our responses, and in our response lies our growth and our freedom." ~ Viktor Frankl

 

[Retired]

I will speak with my psychiatrist tomorrow and see how that conversation goes.

Please re-read what David wrote a few posts back in # 98 about advocating for yourself. When you speak with your psychiatrist, you need to explain your concerns as you have done here about not being able to communicate when you need help and try to figure out a way, in partnership with your psychiatrist, that you will receive the care you need, and at the same time receive the support you need.

 

[AmZ]

Damn. I really messed up. Impulsiveness is ridiculous.

It's partly to do with me that people don't hear me. I find it difficult to ask for help. I know that's no good. I'm just on that edge where I can say I'm not feeling well but then wish that the nurse would say what's wrong. But they never do it and I almost never speak up and complain because I hate coming out with the same rhetoric.

I still haven't told the nurses and dont know what to do. I've basically screwed myself up here by SI because the closed ward is a horrible place to be.

---------- Post Merged at 07:25 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:56 PM ----------

Just went to go tell the nurses what I did and to hand over what I used, but the door was closed as they have someone in there with them. Waited 20 minutes and just came back to my room. Maybe everything happens for a reason and I shouldn't tell them what I did but I should wake up tomorrow in the much nicer open ward and not make myself suffer from being in the closed ward.

 

[forgetmenot]

Self Sabotaging that is what you are doing AmZ You have power to change you do but like many of us hun we stay in a zone we are familar with Please listen re read what everyone has said to you hun ONLY YOU can help you IF you are unable to communicate verbally your need for help then print off everything you have written here and give it to your psychiatrist I don't know how you can have tools to harm you are y ou not searched when you return on your passes to make sure there are no such things that could harm you or others if they found them. Stop what you are doing and do something different ok I know it must be hard for you but now is the time to do something different AmZ when you have supports all around you try to change ok hugs

 

[AmZ]

I had a razor with me. They let almost everything in in the open ward.

I hate myself and I hate life so I can't say that it's a good mix right there. I don't want to come out with the same rhetoric so I am sorry but I desire nothing from life. I aspire to be nothing. Just like I am, a friendless loser with no hobbies and interests or career asides from listening to the same music I listened to when I was 15 years old. I'm still stuck as a 15 year old and never moved on from there.

I don't feel like I deserve to treat myself better. Damn. I've got two nieces that need their aunt and I have no way out of this hell of a life.

I still haven't told the nurses what I did. Just laying here in pain. But it very much relaxed me. A girl came in to my room and was like "what the hell did they give you?!" (medication) because I was so drowsy and calm from it.

 

[forgetmenot]

Self hatred yes we all feel that hun anyone that has been abused feels that worthless yes but it is therapy that changes those internal thoughts and emotions
Be honest not only with your doctors but with YOU AmZ

you have to do things differently even a child of 15 can understand that hun
to change where you are at you need to start on a new path of thinking and reacting.

Hard yes it is hard but we all have that power with in us and i do hope you chose to really read what Doctor Baxter and the others have written

YOU deserve compassion and understanding hun please know that ok you are special you are AmZ so don't waste anymore time ok

YOU do whatever it takes to get you stable No one is giving up on you AmZ we are all here supporting YOU the only one giving up is you hun

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Just went to go tell the nurses what I did and to hand over what I used, but the door was closed as they have someone in there with them. Waited 20 minutes and just came back to my room. Maybe everything happens for a reason and I shouldn't tell them what I did but I should wake up tomorrow in the much nicer open ward and not make myself suffer from being in the closed ward.

Nonsense. You wait 10 minutes and go back and try again.

 

[AmZ]

Damn.

It's my nieces 2nd birthday on Friday and I have all of her presents here to give her. I'm most likely going to be in the closed ward then so my sister already said if I don't feel up to it then they will all come to the hospital. But to put 2 babies in such an environment in a locked room to visit me. It's horrible. They wont let me in with the presents as they're all wrapped up so I'll ask my roommate to give it to my sister when she comes on
Friday. My sister was going to do a little party on Friday which I was going to go to but now I've wrecked that and they now have to schlep 2 hours to get here to see me.

I still haven't told the nurses.

I've got my out of jail card and I think I'm using it.

Tomorrow could be potentially very good for meeting with my psychiatrist then maybe I can even go to the mall on Wednesday then to my nieces birthday party on Friday.

If I go tell them then I've screwed up several things for myself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Total rationalization. If you think it works for you, go for it. If you think anyone else is buying it, you're deluded.

 

[AmZ]

Deluded then.

Going to the closed ward is a punishment. It's known to be an awful place in all respects, even the staff members and that's not coming from my mouth.

I feel very relaxed and calm since I SI. I should be worrying about the next time I do it right? Unless they keep me in the closed ward permanently.

I don't know. 9pm and just wanna go to bed

---------- Post Merged at 10:00 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:52 PM ----------

10pm and just arrived to the closed ward. Told the nurses. I'm in quite a bit of pain as they put alcohol on it {unnecessary triggering details deleted}

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you. I listened to you guys sorry for being so indecisive. I do feel safe here. Everything else is tough but I'll get through it.

I slept pretty well. The best in a long time. They gave me 25mg Nozinan at 9pm and 80mg Clozapine when I woke up at 3am.

I wonder if they'll carry on giving me Nozinan to help me sleep. It's pretty strong stuff.

 

[forgetmenot]

Good for you AmZ you are safe there hun

 

[AmZ]

Thx. I know that I'm safe here but absolutely hate it here. Nothing to do, they wouldn't even let me in with my pens and sketchbook. I'm
Totally bored out of my brain and want my psychiatrist to come and rescue me but I don't think that's going to happen. Just been in bed all morning bored. Going stir crazy, not allowed outside or anything. It's tough.

 

[forgetmenot]

is there a magazine or book you can read hun or music tape that you could listen too

 

[AmZ]

I have two books with me that I've been trying to read but I haven't got the concentration. I could do word searches or soduku but haven't got with me and we're not allowed pens or pencils in the ward.

I have my headphones on me which they were meant to take away so I can listen to my music and go on YouTube on my iPhone. Don't want my headphones to get taken away though.

Just got a new woman in our woman in our room. She's screaming and crying. Not so pleasant.

I want my psychiatrist to come and save me! But she hasn't even come to see me today at all and she finishes working now. So hopefully I'll at least speak to her tomorrow. I want to speak with her about the meds.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thx. I know that I'm safe here but absolutely hate it here. Nothing to do, they wouldn't even let me in with my pens and sketchbook. I'm totally bored out of my brain and want my psychiatrist to come and rescue me but I don't think that's going to happen. Just been in bed all morning bored. Going stir crazy, not allowed outside or anything. It's tough.

Those are called consequences, AmZ. It's the basis for reality.

I want my psychiatrist to come and save me! But she hasn't even come to see me today at all and she finishes working now. So hopefully I'll at least speak to her tomorrow. I want to speak with her about the meds.

Have you learned anything since yesterday, AmZ? What has changed since yesterday?

 

[AmZ]

Consequences. Yes.

I'm meant to be having a meeting tomorrow with all of the staff concerning my medications that my psychologist and social worker are setting up as they also (are not doctors but nevertheless) questioning why I'm on the same meds and have been here for 3 weeks. We just want to know what they are planning on doing. Whatever it may be.

---------- Post Merged at 07:38 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:07 PM ----------

TODAY's blog post

-- In*bed
I?ve been in bed all day asides from going to the dining room to drink tea at 6am, then went back to bed, then had breakfast at 8.15am, lunch at 12pm and now dinner at 6pm.

Nowhere to walk and nowhere to go, pretty depressing stuff. The only things that weren?t taken off of me was (thank God) my iPhone and 2 books. But I?ve been trying to read and I haven?t got the concentration for it.

Three weeks here and my medications are still the same. They made no changes. I?m trying to understand why because I?m obviously not feeling well. It?s peculiar and I don?t know what they are doing. I admit, I don?t want to blame them for me self-harming, however I?m not feeling well as it is, plus I?ve had the extra anger and frustration that there seems to be no plan with my meds. So I?m feeling very hopeless and helpless. What am I doing here?! I really feel like up and leaving because I feel like I?m wasting my time here.

Usual closed ward business ? fights, people strapped down to beds, a new roommate who is sitting there sobbing her eyes out who has anorexia. The alarm just went off and about 10 male staff members came. Apparently my new roommate threw the metal water jug at one of the staff members. They dragged her out by her arms and legs.

No sunshine on my face. Really miss that. Miss the outside. If this isn?t going to make me more depressed then I don?t know what will!

I was hoping big time that my psychiatrist was going to come to at least talk to me today but she didn?t. Would just be nice to have one of my care workers here to have a little chat with. Dare I say, I want to ask about the medication situation too. I just spoke with an American guy here and his advice was that I totally sit back and let my doctors do whatever they need to do. I just want to feel progress. Even if I start something new and it could take a few weeks to kick in (hopefully), at least something will happening! Try and get me a bit more stable please!

Right. I?m pretty upset and fed up and am getting traumatised by all of this physical violence and screaming. Not good. I?m sensitive. In all honesty, I regret telling them that I cut. I really can?t stand it here. Taking Clonazepam every several hours because of the stress here.--

Still wrong with what I'm saying about the meds? Can you see my frustrations at all?