Why?

[Retired]

Problem is, I don't think these meds stop my thoughts.

It seems you find reason to oppose or to find fault with just about everything and everyone you come in contact with who is working to help you at the hospital.

You continue to second guess your doctors and the nursing staff for not doing more to help you,

It seems we've been down this road before.

 

[AmZ]

The psychiatrist just gave me 25mg Nozinan.

 

[Banned]

Seriously, AmZ? Two years you've been battling and you want to give up? I don't mean to sound disrespectful but some of us have battled mental illness a lot longer than that and came through the other side. I knew at 14 that something was very wrong. My diagnoses started at 17 and I finally found relief at 36. I don't know what you need to hear to understand its not an overnight fix. Your doctors need a baseline which can take some time to get. Every time they make a change to your meds they need to re-establish that baseline which can take weeks. You complain if they don't change your meds, you complain if they do. You complain when you can't sleep at night, you complain if they give you "useless" meds. If you want to self-injure but truly want to get better why are you not availing yourself of the resources to not self-injure? Doctors, groups, cbt, dbt. Cbt is not hard to learn and is something to work on every day. Have you taken the time to develop those skills?

Quite frankly I think you are happy and comfortable where you are and the thought of change terrifies you. The reality is, and its been said a million times, only you can change you. And the meds are important but not the entire equation so stop waiting for them and everyone else to do your work. Recovery starts and ends with you.

 

[AmZ]

I was told that the first rule of therapy is to not compare yourself to others. So I don't like that. And if you want to go in to that then I've also been struggling with this for longer than 2 years. I was self-harming when I was 13 years old and now I'm 27.

I haven't been happy or content for a long time. From puberty throughout my adult years. I don't even know what happiness in life is.

I know that when you start meds, it can take several weeks for it to kick in. But I haven't started any for quite a while. I'm very much prepared to try something new and give it the time that it needs to work. But nothing is being added and seemingly what I am taking is not helping enough at least.

Ive done CBT yes, with my first psychologist I had for 8 months prior to hospitalisation.

So I'd kindly ask that people don't jump to their own conclusions about me without knowing more. Just like me self harming since the age of 13. You can never know if you jump to a conclusion so yeah.

 

[rdw]

No one is asking you to compare but we are asking you to listen to our stories. We all have a story of struggle and mental illness - this isn't a decorating or gardening forum. And because of our struggles we do know what you need to do . For one you need to see that you are resisting attempts to help you and you frequently refuse to help yourself. You are in a hospital - tell the nurses that you feel you have to self harm. They are there to help YOU. At some point it boils down to you - do you want to get better and are you willing to take the steps to do that? Why do we keep telling you that it is up to you? Because in the end it was up to each one of us to make the changes that we needed to find our way to sound mental health. So listen and read with open and honest yes - we all needed to be
open and honest about ourselves in order to recover.

 

[AmZ]

I didn't want to compare and didn't like the jumping to conclusions.

About me resisting to help myself, it's my thoughts that are stopping me to move forward. It's not something that I am doing on purpose to self-sabotage myself. I simply don't like life and what it has to offer and I don't know what to take from life, what's on offer to make me a happier person.

I haven't been able to turn these thoughts around for years. And I know that no therapist or medication can of will do that for me that's why I'm ever so frustrated. I can't just snap out of it, it seems.

Do you know how many times total strangers on the street have said to me "cheer up, it may never happen" or "smile" ? - totally pi**es me off. From when I was a kid.

Unlike a physical injury you can't see it.

I went twice to the nurses twice today and said I wanted to self harm. One gave me 2mg Clonazepam and said she didn't know what to say to me and the second one didn't try to talk to me either but just got the on-call psychiatrist to prescribe me something strong. Which unfortunately hasn't helped and I'm still sitting here wanting to SI.

I don't know what else I can do asides from being strapped down to a bed so that I don't SI. Damn. The closed ward. I just can't go back there. It'll break me.

I feel like such a total mess I really do. I still pinch myself thinking its a bad dream that I'm waiting to wake up from. What a nightmare.

 

[adaptive1]

I have had obsessive thoughts for years, what I think is the key is learning to live with them there and not act on them. So the thoughts don't really stop you from enjoying life if you know what I mean, even if it isnt what you had planned.I have to admit I haven't mastered this completely and it is frustrating but for the most part I work around it.

For example, for about three years almost I am obsessed with worry when I eat and it's very frustrating. When I give in to the thoughts I am dieting and over exercising and researching about it. When I can recognize that it is just obsessive thoughts and just go on with my day, I still get enjoyment from things and I am still living my life. Right now I catch myself wishing for these thoughts to fade away, but it doesn't work like that. I know you want your thoughts to change , somehow maybe you have to make peace that this may not happen the way you want, honestly if I could not worry about dieting every second of the day, it would be a relief too, but that seems to be the way my mind works and all I can do is not act on these thoughts and go about my day without expecting perfection.

Not sure if this helps, just trying to show that you can still be functional because I am. Yours are obsessive worry about self injury and worrying about sleeping but they are still obsessive thoughts.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you for sharing that with us.

Well done on the hard work you have put in to battle these obsessive thoughts. I know you say it's still not easy and I bet it's not from a mile off.

I feel like up until now, I've just been floating along, my head just above the water. But in the last couple of years, my head has gone below the water and it's hard to be able to pull myself up out of it and get back to paddling.

And the paddling is exhausting, day in, day out. Continuously.

Either/and/or I need arm bands to keep me afloat whether that be through therapy and/or medications.

I'm so fed up of my broken record but I can simply not help myself that I feel this way. And nobody challenges my thoughts or tries to change them. I feel, sorry to be dramatic, but doomed.

I refuse to live a life like my mother has and is still doing. No friends or interests, a couple of boyfriends since she left my dad 11 years ago. Unhappy. Self-conscious, self-hatred, overweight, unfit. Etc. (Spent all of her divorce money on having a facelift and chemical peel and she looks extremely strange).

And I refuse to live just a boring {deleted} life of a 9-5 cruddy job. Struggles with marriage and children, friends being busy with their own lives.

!!!! Sorry but it all just {deleted} sucks!!!!

 

[Retired]

I refuse to live a life like my mother has and is still doing. No friends or interests, a couple of boyfriends since she left my dad 11 years ago. Unhappy. Self-conscious, self-hatred, overweight, unfit. Etc. (Spent all of her divorce money on having a facelift and chemical peel and she looks extremely strange).

I was told that the first rule of therapy is to not compare yourself to others.

Would your rule not apply here?

And I refuse to live just a boring life of a 9-5 cruddy job. Struggles with marriage and children, friends being busy with their own lives.

OK, so now describe the kind of life you would like. Draw us a picture of the lifestyle you aspire to, the kind of work, career or profession you intend to follow and what you would look for in a relationship with a possible spouse, and social network.

You have been telling us all the things you detest, dislike and object to. We all have things we would prefer not to endure, but the reality of life is that occasionally life presents challenges, and it's our responsibility to figure out the solution to make it right.

However, in goal setting, and this is what you are talking about (by the back door) you need to define and describe the ultimate goals to which your aspire, which then allows you to set intermediate goals to achieve the ultimate goal.

Perhaps this might be an exercise you could work on, that could help you focus on positive goal setting and could perhaps assist in re-orienting your thinking to visualize the future in positive scenarios rather than the negative, destructive scenarios you currently see in your future.

 

[AmZ]

I don't aspire to anything. Whether it be attainable or unattainable. I honestly have no direction or wishes which i wiuld like to aim for. Like the biggest dream ever. I don't have any. Honestly. I have no idea which career I would like to follow, or if I want a husband and kids. Anything. I don't think I can cope being a wife and a mother. I just won't cut it.

Talking about cutting. Just before 3am now. Been awake for an hour. Dreams about me SI. Unpleasant but still want to do
It. And I was being freaking attacked by an elephant.

Just went to the nurses office and the nurse gave me one Clozapine as I didn't take before going to bed. She wouldn't give me two Clozapine because I had 25mg Nozinan which she says is a very strong drug. Not that I felt it of course as my body rejects medication like no other!

 

[Cat Dancer]

And nobody challenges my thoughts or tries to change them.

That's why YOU must challenge your thoughts. Only you can change your thinking and it is within your power and control no matter how much it seems like it isn't.

 

[AmZ]

4.15am. Another bad night.

But cd I can't challenge these thoughts by myself. To me, the thoughts are really true about life. Big philosophical questions. Like what is the purpose of like and how do I find happiness. Does happiness even exist?

{trigger deleted}

Going to the nurses office and show that I'm still awake so it can be put down in the report.

---------- Post Merged at 03:52 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:28 AM ----------

I just SI, DAMN.

 

[AmZ]

Self injured.

Then did a whole routine of shaving my legs, clipping my nails, plucking my eyebrows (and showering) as I'm not allowed any of these tools in the closed ward.

Charging my iPhone as they'll only let me charge my phone overnight in the nurses office.

Weirdly planning this all out.

I'm twisted. Just got my stuff in a pile ready to be taken to the closed ward. Still haven't told the nurses what I did.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

So are you proud of yourself? This is pure manipulation. You got to do what you wanted to do and now you can blame the staff, right? But first let's make sure your iPhone is fully charged...

And what do you want from us now? Sympathy?

 

[AmZ]

You are harsh DR Baxter. I must really annoy the hell out of you. I'm sorry.

I don't want sympathy no. I want for someone to understand the pain I am going through and to hear what I say. Went to the nurse at 4pm for my Seroquel. Asked how I was. I said no good and she said nothing back to me. Just gave my Seroquel and walked away. I'm not attention seeking or something. I am not trying to be dramatic either. I'm doing what I have the urge to do and then, I guess, facing the consequences.

I don't blame the staff. Even though I think they could do a bit better. But nobody is perfect. I blame myself for doing it.

Am I proud of myself? What do you think?
I'm disgusted At myself. Me. AmZ. Twisted. Messed up. Angry. Desperate.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

She asked you how you were and all you said was not good? What is she supposed to do with that?

If I'm harsh, it's because nothing else has got through to you in all these months. Sympathy, agreement, coddling - these are not going to do anything to change things. You need to be confronted with reality. You need to start doing some real work instead of expecting everyone else to do it for you.

You DO blame the staff. Constantly. You even did it in that post. You don't blame yourself at all. The staff. Your mother. Your sister. The psychiatrist. The psychologist. On and on.

Real change starts with YOU. Accept that reality and you might just start making some progress finally, YOU are the reason you are trapped in this status quo. No one else. You are doing it to yourself.

 

[AmZ]

I know I'm doing it to myself. But I also that I'm messed up from things that I wasn't guilty of starting/doing.

Change starts with me - I don't know what that change is though. If I don't see a future then there's nothing to change.

I can't even get my words out. I don't know.

I still haven't told the nurses what I did.

As a conversation usually goes... How are you? .... Not good .... Why, how comes?'

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Advocate for yourself. If you don't feel heard, make yourself heard. But with your words, your voice, not with dramatic adolescent gestures.

And what messed you up doesn't matter anymore. There's an old cliche that says: You cannot control the hand life deals you. You can control what you do with that hand.

Now. Go and report all this to the nurses. Do it now. No excuses or rationalizations. Your psychologist was wrong. Right now you do belong in the closed ward. From the start, you have been your own worst enemy. You need the closed ward to protect you from yourself.

 

[Retired]

I still haven't told the nurses what I did.

Why not AmZ? You are there to receive treatment to make you better. If you don't tell them your symptoms, and this is indeed a symptom, they won't be able to help you. Since they cannot help you because you hide symptoms, you become angry that they don't help you.

Do you see the futility of this strategy?

By not being frank and honest with your doctors, you are wasting their time and effort as well as yours.

You tell us you want to be an empowered patient, but in order to be an empowered patient, you need to be a partner in your health care. Partners are honest and straightforward with one another, and until you begin telling the doctors and nurses exactly what's going on, you are neither their partner in your health care, nor an empowered patient.

Can you see everyone here is trying to guide you in the right direction toward recovery?

That cannot happen until you take responsibility for yourself and begin acting on the good advice being offered you .

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Did you read this yet, AmZ? Devaluation: The Slippery Slope in BPD.