Working while Waiting for Disability

[Peanut]

"Secrets" is pretty much everybody's favorite song in my show.

Really? That's interesting! It is a very pretty song though, as I said before, it has all of the elements coming together so nicely.

The electric guitar was the instrument I was talking about! I thought that's what it was but I am not good at guessing instruments so I thought I would spare myself the embarrassment of guessing!

I met her on the Internet, sent her an mp3, and she just showed up to record it.

:shocked: Wow, that's wild! I guess that is one internet/real world meeting that worked out really well! Did you know what she sounded like ahead of time?

Well anyway, I know this is your first day of your new job, so you'll have to let us know how it went!! I'll be anxious to hear!

 

[stargazer]

The electric guitar was the instrument I was talking about!

I thought that might have been what you meant. The guitar solo sort of leaps out at you.

I guess that is one internet/real world meeting that worked out really well! Did you know what she sounded like ahead of time?

Yes. She had sent me an mp3 of some studio work she had done. I knew she was good.

Well, I just now have gone online after getting off work and doing errands. I'm hooked up to my host's DSL. Works pretty well, but I can only receive e-mails on Thunderbird, not send them. I'll have to use my Runbox Mail Manager (web-based client).

Anyway, the first day of the job was really encouraging. I have a nice schedule. I accompany another voice teacher's Middle School class for the first hour and a half, then I take three high school kids and work with them intensively for the next hour and a half. Then there's a half hour lunch break, and after that I go back to accompanying for the voice teacher, only this time with five more advanced students, high school age. It's easy and fun. I neither have to sit on the piano bench all day, nor stand up and "perform" all day. I get to do a bit of both.

At some point in the two weeks, someone in the heirarchy is going to come check me out to see if I ought to work for them year-round next year, which, if it's lucrative, would mean relocating again. I'll have to think and pray about that. But it sure feels good to be back in the swing of things. (Guess it's in my blood).
[/quote]

 

[Peanut]

That is fabulous stargazer!!! I'm happy to hear it went so well today!!! It sounds like a really cool job! 8) I'm so glad that you like it! For me, the first day is always the most stressful but it sounds like it went really smoothly for you! Congrats!

 

[stargazer]

Thanks, Toeless!

Well, I have to pack up my laptop now as the DSL access is in the master bedroom, and she needs to get to sleep. Probably won't be online tomorrow morning either, unless at Starbucks before work.

See ya!

 

[stargazer]

Back to the subject.

The job's going well--really well, in fact. The education director told me somebody's going to come in to see me next week to see about what sort of year-round position(s) they're going to want me to take. Also, I have to play piano at a function they're having at a hotel tomorrow night. It's a separate gig, and they're paying me for it separately.

I left a couple things dangling on what I'm supposed to be doing back home for disability and mental health. I might have mentioned that my birth certificate was rejected, and I'm supposed to order a new birth certificate online. It's a matter of $13 and finding out how to do it. The other thing is that I'm supposed to get an EDD print-out of my work history. I'm supposed to have that by the end of the month. My problem is, I'm working all day, I don't drive, and there's no way I can get to the EDD by the end of the month. I'm too absorbed.

I don't know if that means I'm going to lose my option for therapy or not. This has something to do with the low-cost program I'm on to get therapy, psychiatry, and medication. I could probably deal with the birth certificate order after my next paycheck, though. Right now I don't have $13 to spare, and certainly not on my credit card. Plus, I left all the info at home.

I also have no phone and can only be reached by e-mail. My host and roommate have cell phones, but they're hardly ever home. I've been able to borrow my roommate's phone *once* in the four days I've been here.

I feel like I have to force myself to think about these things. I feel so far removed from the reality of them. All I want to do is work here forever. I don't want to go home. But I can't quite do that, because I don't have a place to live here--I'm only staying with a friend of the education director, temporarily for the duration of the job. I feel like, when I do go home, I'm just going to come crashing down emotionally.

This is all proving to me that, all I want to do is work. Maybe not at MacDonald's, but in the work I'm accustomed to. In the past couple years (with brief exceptions) I've missed it too much. That's probably why I have felt so unfulfilled at times. Here it's only four days into this job so far, and I feel as though I've been doing it all my life, even though I've never worked for a company this strong before, or this reputable.

So I wish it didn't all have to end.

 

[ThatLady]

Back to the subject.

The job's going well--really well, in fact. The education director told me somebody's going to come in to see me next week to see about what sort of year-round position(s) they're going to want me to take. Also, I have to play piano at a function they're having at a hotel tomorrow night. It's a separate gig, and they're paying me for it separately.

I left a couple things dangling on what I'm supposed to be doing back home for disability and mental health. I might have mentioned that my birth certificate was rejected, and I'm supposed to order a new birth certificate online. It's a matter of $13 and finding out how to do it. The other thing is that I'm supposed to get an EDD print-out of my work history. I'm supposed to have that by the end of the month. My problem is, I'm working all day, I don't drive, and there's no way I can get to the EDD by the end of the month. I'm too absorbed.

I don't know if that means I'm going to lose my option for therapy or not. This has something to do with the low-cost program I'm on to get therapy, psychiatry, and medication. I could probably deal with the birth certificate order after my next paycheck, though. Right now I don't have $13 to spare, and certainly not on my credit card. Plus, I left all the info at home.

I also have no phone and can only be reached by e-mail. My host and roommate have cell phones, but they're hardly ever home. I've been able to borrow my roommate's phone *once* in the four days I've been here.

I feel like I have to force myself to think about these things. I feel so far removed from the reality of them. All I want to do is work here forever. I don't want to go home. But I can't quite do that, because I don't have a place to live here--I'm only staying with a friend of the education director, temporarily for the duration of the job. I feel like, when I do go home, I'm just going to come crashing down emotionally.

This is all proving to me that, all I want to do is work. Maybe not at MacDonald's, but in the work I'm accustomed to. In the past couple years (with brief exceptions) I've missed it too much. That's probably why I have felt so unfulfilled at times. Here it's only four days into this job so far, and I feel as though I've been doing it all my life, even though I've never worked for a company this strong before, or this reputable.

So I wish it didn't all have to end.

If they're going to look at what kind of year-round position they can offer you, stargazer, it doesn't have to end. There might be a short hiatus, but that's not the same as an end.

You might try writing a letter, or even e-mailing EDD to see what might be done about your work history. If they can't provide it that way, try writing or emailing the requesting agency and explaining your position at the moment. If you stay in touch, and keep them updated, you've got a better chance of holding everything together until you can begin a new future in a permanent job.

 

[stargazer]

I realize what I said sounded contradictory. I meant, the two week job will end, then I have to go home and deal with all the disability and mental health issues. I meant that I wish it was all continuous, and I didn't have to go home, to nothingness, after all this pleasant activity.

If I come back, it won't be till September, so I'll still have July and August to figure out what to do. So that's actually good. It might take me that long to figure out how I'm going to live out here where the rents are so much higher. Maybe I can rent a room from someone associated with the company--sort of what I'm doing now, but on a more official and long-term basis.

Am wondering if EDD can be reached by e-mail. It's a matter of obtaining a print-out from them and then faxxing it to the Client Assistance Program of County Mental Health, to ensure that my year of low-cost treatment can be renewed on July 1st. Sort of feels like everything is happening at once.

I've been strangely depressed last night and tonight, only at home, though happy at work. Not sure what to make of it.

 

[ThatLady]

I realize what I said sounded contradictory. I meant, the two week job will end, then I have to go home and deal with all the disability and mental health issues. I meant that I wish it was all continuous, and I didn't have to go home, to nothingness, after all this pleasant activity.

If I come back, it won't be till September, so I'll still have July and August to figure out what to do. So that's actually good. It might take me that long to figure out how I'm going to live out here where the rents are so much higher. Maybe I can rent a room from someone associated with the company--sort of what I'm doing now, but on a more official and long-term basis.

Am wondering if EDD can be reached by e-mail. It's a matter of obtaining a print-out from them and then faxxing it to the Client Assistance Program of County Mental Health, to ensure that my year of low-cost treatment can be renewed on July 1st. Sort of feels like everything is happening at once.

I've been strangely depressed last night and tonight, only at home, though happy at work. Not sure what to make of it.

I'd imagine it's a combination of things, stargazer. You're probably bored, for one thing. You're in an unfamiliar place where you don't know many people (if any). Also, you're worrying about what's going to happen when the two weeks are over and you must return home to work out the problems that await you there.

If you can find an email for EDD (maybe Google?), or a snail-mail address, that will give you something proactive to focus on. If you're working on a problem it's less depressing than just thinking about it, I find.

 

[stargazer]

You're probably bored, for one thing. You're in an unfamiliar place where you don't know many people (if any

Not sure if "bored" is the exact right word, but I feel sort of "restricted." I only have Internet access in the master bedroom of the woman whose house I'm staying in, so I don't feel comfortable going online from here too often. And I never have access to telephones to call friends, and do what I usually do, even my friends who live a good distance away from me. See, most of my friends are still in the Bay Area, even though I live in the Valley, and I call them regularly from the Valley. And now that I'm in the Bay Area, I can't call them, because I don't have a phone.

I'm not a person who gets bored very easily. But I sometimes feel as though my circumstances restrict me from being able to do what I really want or need to do, and I then become frustrated. I'm like that a lot, actually. That's one of the reasons I like the job. It gives me something to focus my energies on.

I've noticed that meditation helps with that sort of thing. I probably ought to do that before bedtime. I skipped today, but have meditated every other day I've been here.

If you can find an email for EDD (maybe Google?), or a snail-mail address, that will give you something proactive to focus on. If you're working on a problem it's less depressing than just thinking about it, I find.

I'll see if I can do that.

 

[stargazer]

She just came home and I need to get out of her bedroom. I'll try to remember earlier in the day, to do the online EDD research, tomorrow.

Thanks.

 

[Halo]

Hi Stargazer,

First I am glad that your job is going well and that they are considering you for a more permanent position. That sounds great. You also sound like you are the most happy with you are working and sharing your knowledge and being active. I can only say that I hope things work out for your with EDD and the possibility of a future job.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing and remember that we are here for you always.

Nancy

 

[stargazer]

I've made a decision. I'm not going to follow through with filing for disability.

I think what's been happening is I've been feeling divided and sort of "schizzed out." I can't seem to rectify the two different things in my mind, and I can't seem to compartmentalize. Either I'm disabled or I'm not. When I'm working, and focused on my work, it naturally doesn't help if I think of myself as "disabled," because if I do, I lose confidence. And whenever I go through with the disability procedures, I feel guilty, knowing that I can actually work. So, while the idea of the large initial check sounds appealing, I feel that my overall mind-set, composed of my conscience, my consciousness, and my constitution, will never allow me to follow through with the process. I'm simply *not* disabled, and I can't go through with it.

My conscience won't allow me to do it. And it's not within my consciousness to think of myself in those terms. And finally, I don't have the constitution. I'm designed to be working, and ideally to be doing a certain kind of work. While it is true that I have lacked work recently, the reason why I have lacked work is because I have lacked opportunity. I haven't lacked work because I've lacked the ability to work. But in the process of having insufficient work for so long, I started to think it was my fault, and that maybe I was disabled. But now that I'm working, I realize I never was disabled.

So I have decided not to follow through, and to put all my energies toward making sure I become gainfully employed again, here or elsewhere.

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds good, stargazer. If that's what you feel strongly, then that's the course you should follow. I really hope you can find something worthwhile to do while you're waiting for this new job to come through. Good luck to you!

 

[Halo]

Hi Stargazer,

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this and I think that you have made an excellent choice. I think that it is great that you have thought this process through and determined what is the best route for you. Also I was thinking while reading your post that if you find that working is just too overwhelming in the future than the disability will always be there if you need it.

I am proud of you.

Take Care
Nancy

 

[stargazer]

Thanks, folks. In a way, it's ironic, because another person might be able to go through with all of it, without feeling the weird pains of trying to be two people at once, one of whom is only a pretense. So in a way, lacking that ability, I might be "disabled" in a broad sense of the word. But people who can skillfully work the system that way have an "ability" I'm not interested in obtaining.

Anyway, thank you all for you support. Take care and God bless.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That sounds good.

 

[stargazer]

Wow--she just asked me today if I'd like to continue for an extra 3 weeks after the 2 weeks is up next week--someone wants to leave a similar position at another branch of the operation. In fact, it would be at the 6-week position I'd originally applied for. So, significantly more hours, and more money. I told her I'd love to, only I would need to continue to need a place to stay. She didn't seem to think that would be a problem. I'm going to know for sure on Monday.

I have a funny feeling I might never go back...maybe I should call my friend Jim & see if he'll go clean out my apartment...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Wow!

Excellent!!!

 

[ThatLady]

That's just awesome, stargazer! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear things are going so well for you. You have so much to offer, and all you've needed was a chance. Now, you've got that chance and you're on your way. I'm thrilled, and very proud of, and for you!

 

[Peanut]

Congratulations stargazer! I'm not surprised to hear that at all