Would love to know if anyone else feels like this

[manicstreetpreacher]

Hi! This is my first post after finding a forum that looks as though it may be able to help me.

Please bear with me, I find it hard to put how I feel into words.

I appear normal(well at least I think I do ) but I feel like I am living by a different set of rules to everyone else, playing with a different deck of cards, not quite gelling. It isn't one thing in particular just lots and lots of little things and it is slowly eating me away inside to the point of thinking I'm going mad.

A few years ago I had a business - like a fool I tried to be nice to my staff - big mistake, they walked all over me. When I eventually decided enough was enough they downed tools and went funny on me - I couldn't make sense of this as the previous boss was an utter cow who paid low wages and treated us all like dirt but was very well respected and loved by them all.

The above is just one small example of my life - it happens day after day -looking back I had it happen all the time at school but I was just too young to realise it.

I have very few friends - I'm not cool enough, good enough, whatever it is. I find it so hard to trust people, especially other women who I find vindictive and 2 faced - I feel that if I was to behave in the way people behave/have behaved towards me then I'd get a lynching.

Is this making any sense? I feel like I am detached, completely playing by a different set of rules, rules that have to remain stringent for me, but everyone else can bend them as and when they see fit.

I'm sorry to sound self obsessed - that truly isn't the case believe me. I have had a good trawl through this forum before baring my soul and you don't seem to have any nasties amongst you good people - if anything, I felt better that I wasn't alone.

If anybody understands what I'm getting at then please reply to this post or pm me as I feel really alone right now. Worst thing is I'm a 35 year old mum and I just feel utterly hopeless and worthless which really isn't going to help my little girl, I know. But I just cannot seem to snap out of it.

Thank you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I doesn't sound to me as if you are having to play by a different set of rules. It sounds more like you're not sure how you want to present yourself (e.g., friend or buddy versus boss) and you're having difficulty setting boundaries or firm limits with other people. This is likely related to the fact that you "feel utterly hopeless and worthless" and lack self-confidence.

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

David, thank you, I appreciate your reply. I understand what you are saying and you are right but I fear it goes deeper. That original post was condensed, I could have gone on a lot more but didn't wish to alienate people here before I even start (I'm good at that).

Sometimes I wish I could chop off my head, take out my brain and change it for another one. I am so scared of what I am doing to my daughter by feeling like this. She has already started showing signs of low self worth and I fear I am to blame for that indirectly.

 

[ladylore]

A few years ago I had a business - like a fool I tried to be nice to my staff - big mistake, they walked all over me.

In my opinion, I don't think this was a mistake. Being the boss is a difficult job as you don't want to treat people like **** but you want respect. At 37 I am realising that being assertive is the best way to go. I am kind and I do stand up for myself.

And I have also swung the other way - being too aggressive, which doesn't work either. I like the middle road.

With a great therapist I have found what I wanted and who I truely am. I am no push over and I am not mean. I also no longer shapeshift from one situation to another. What you see is what you get - in every situation. Its a journey to find that out and it doesn't happen over night.

Sometimes I wish I could chop off my head, take out my brain and change it for another one.

Been there Not the chopping off the head, just the exchanging for a new model.

Do you have a therapist Manic?

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

No, I don't but I am seriously considering getting one. The uselessness I feel is like you wouldn't believe.

Well, actually, you probably would, else you wouldn't be here!

Thank you.

 

[Halo]

Hi Manic,

I think that a lot of us on here can relate to what you have described in different ways but what you said about getting a therapist is in my opinion probably one of the best things that you can do first for yourself and then for your daughter.

Finding that one person that over time you can trust to help you figure out where the uselessness comes from and how to change your current thinking will really be a huge step. I truly hope that you do follow through and find a good therapist and reap the benefits.

Take care

 

[Into The Light]

hi manic,
first off, :welcome:! it is nice to have you with us.

Is this making any sense? I feel like I am detached, completely playing by a different set of rules, rules that have to remain stringent for me, but everyone else can bend them as and when they see fit.

i have similar feelings but not to the same degree that you do. i think the trouble stems from not knowing how to be assertive, or being afraid to be. i consider assertiveness basically as being able to stand up for yourself but be fair to all involved, and not be nasty or aggressive.

anyway, it sounds like you're struggling with yourself a lot. i too agree a therapist can be very helpful. your daughter can be a great motivator for personal change. i think it would be well worth it for you to make this journey.

there are lots of articles on therapy and therapists in the subforum with the same title. in there the stickies talk about what to look for in a therapist. the most important thing is to find someone who is a good fit for you. if you find someone you feel you can trust and open up to, that's half the battle.

good luck and i look forward to hearing more from you

 

[ThatLady]

From what you've said, I think getting into therapy would be a wonderful thing for you, Manic. Through therapy, you can learn the difference between being assertive and being "mean", and how to set limits without being a tyrant. You can also dispatch those feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. It's all about learning how to change the way you approach things. :hug:

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

I am touched to get so many replies in such a short time so thank you. I had made a decision to see a therapist earlier on today and reading your replies has made me reaffirm that decision. I have a very long hill to climb. I am dreading taking my daughter to school in the morning and facing the playground. I hate it, I just want to run and get away from them all asap.

I read this back and it all sounds so self indulgent. I don't know what to say or how to put things really. A couple of weeks ago a family near us lost 4 of their kids in a road accident and I thought to myself 'What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you moaning, look at what they are going through..'

2 days later I was back down again. I just feel utter despair.

I thank you all, I am going to read that part of the forum on therapists now.

Manic

 

[Into The Light]

you've made a good decision for yourself. well done!

what you've written isn't self-indulgent. you're struggling, and things are difficult, and sometimes we just need a place to vent or put words to what we are going through. the family that just lost their children, it is absolutely tragic what happened to them. they are going through a nightmare right now. but their suffering does not cancel out yours. you still have your own pain. that's not going to go away because someone else has had something worse happen to them.

do post any questions you may have as you go through the therapy and therapists section. we are more than happy to help

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

Well I cannot afford the fees. OMG! I made an appointment to get a referal on the UK NHS but the appointment has been cancelled so now I have to wait.

I am in tears as I post this, I really do not know how much longer I can go on for.

My husband isn't helping a jot, I could quite happilly strangle him.

I just want to get blind drunk, slink into oblivion, find peace. But I have a 6 year old dependet who totally deserves better than the apology of a mother she has.

Please help me. Please.

 

[ladylore]

Well I cannot afford the fees. OMG! I made an appointment to get a referal on the UK NHS but the appointment has been cancelled so now I have to wait.

What is NHS Manic? Are you talking about not being able to afford therapy fees? Can you talk with your doctor about other options, ie free counselling services?

I am glad you are talking here instead of drinking. That in itself is a positive.

Take care

 

[David Baxter PhD]

NHS = National Health Service (UK), I believe.

manicstreetpreacher, see if there's anything useful for you here:

NHS Direct adds online mental health information[UK] - Psychlinks Psychology and Self-Help Forum

Computer-Guided CBT (FearFighter, Beating the Blues) - Psychlinks Psychology and Self-Help Forum

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

Thank you. I am so very sorry, I don't know what came over me yesterday. I just feel so hideously alone.

 

[Cat Dancer]

There's no need to apologize. We probably all have those moments where we feel alone. It's ok to talk about it here. I hope you're feeling better.

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

This has got to be the nicest forum ever. I have never posted in such a friendly community. I just wish that I could be of help more as opposed to keep asking for it but until this dark cloud passes I fear I am no use to anyone.

I want to scream, shout, yell, try and get someone to understand. To ask 'Why don't I fit in with you? I don't smell, I'm not ridiculously ugly, I'm not unkind, I don't hurt anyone, why oh why do you talk over me, talk across me, pretend I am not there, like nothing I say matters? I may as well just bleeping well ignore you all and leave it at that then we will all know where we stand once and for all won't we?'

SCREAM.

Strangely enough I do not get this problem with men. It is other women. I think I am mental!

 

[ladylore]

Well I am a woman Manic and I don't think your mental. I have wanted to scream at times myself - but the feeling does pass.

As for being a friendly forum - I do agree and I am glad your feeling comfortable around here.

Its ok to ask for help Manic as its one of the reason for the forum. When I joined up I started to read the articles posted here and then I commented on them. If someone was having a tough time, I shared what worked for me, when I could.

I am glad your here. Just be yourself and if you think you have something to share that could help someone else - go for it.

Have yourself a great day Manic.

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

You too. And thanks.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I want to scream, shout, yell, try and get someone to understand. To ask 'Why don't I fit in with you? I don't smell, I'm not ridiculously ugly, I'm not unkind, I don't hurt anyone, why oh why do you talk over me, talk across me, pretend I am not there, like nothing I say matters? I may as well just bleeping well ignore you all and leave it at that then we will all know where we stand once and for all won't we?'

SCREAM.

Strangely enough I do not get this problem with men. It is other women. I think I am mental!

Try stepping back and observing yourself when you're interacting with other people. Ask yourself:

1. What impression am I giving to others? Shy? Aloof? Angry? Disinterested? Bored? What impression do I want to give to those people?

2. What do I do differently with males vs. females? What differences might there be in the "vibe" I give when I'm with males vs. females?

 

[manicstreetpreacher]

I have asked myself those questions a thousand times! Truly. I've just about abandoned all hope now. I may start my own exclusive club, Misfits R Us.