You've left, now what?
by Lessley Newell, Examiner.com
May 2012; Retrieved 7/28/12
You have a friend, you know this friend is in an abusive relationship but you do not understand why they do not just leave. The fact is leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult decisions that domestic violence victims face. There are many questions in their heads, they are emotionally confused and hurt and feel that nobody understands what they are going through.
The most influential and biggest enemy to a victim is the fear of uncertainty. This fear creates many questions and doubts in their thoughts such as, should I have left? What will happen now? How am I going to make ends meet? What will happen to the kids? Can he/she change and countless others. When faced with uncertainty the least complex method should be utilized to resolve this. A very common method is the balance method explained below.
1. Grab a piece of paper
2. fold it in half vertically
3. take your pen and write ‘good’ on the left side
4. then ‘bad’ on the right side.
You are now on your way to the balance method. Keep in mind that this can only help your uncertainty if you are honest in your thoughts and responses. Begin listing all of the good qualities your abuser possesses, you should start with the positive. Finally list all of the negative or bad qualities you abuser possesses. Be honest and know it is difficult to think of the good qualities specially if the abuse is recent or fresh.
The balance method will help in answering some very difficult but possibly lifesaving questions. According to Helpguide.org there are several key points that you need to keep in mind when making your decision to stay or leave.
1. Will the abuse end, will he or she change? “The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.”[1]
2. I can make him change! “It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.”[2]
3. He/she has promised it will never happen again? “When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.”[3]
4. He or she is in counseling or a program to change! “Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.” [4]
Listen to your heart and mind, no one can make the decision for you but remember, whether you decide to stay or leave you are a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy, healthy and more importantly safe.
For further information and resources available to men and women in abusive relationship please visit:
Help for Abused & Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters & Support
by Lessley Newell, Examiner.com
May 2012; Retrieved 7/28/12
You have a friend, you know this friend is in an abusive relationship but you do not understand why they do not just leave. The fact is leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult decisions that domestic violence victims face. There are many questions in their heads, they are emotionally confused and hurt and feel that nobody understands what they are going through.
The most influential and biggest enemy to a victim is the fear of uncertainty. This fear creates many questions and doubts in their thoughts such as, should I have left? What will happen now? How am I going to make ends meet? What will happen to the kids? Can he/she change and countless others. When faced with uncertainty the least complex method should be utilized to resolve this. A very common method is the balance method explained below.
1. Grab a piece of paper
2. fold it in half vertically
3. take your pen and write ‘good’ on the left side
4. then ‘bad’ on the right side.
You are now on your way to the balance method. Keep in mind that this can only help your uncertainty if you are honest in your thoughts and responses. Begin listing all of the good qualities your abuser possesses, you should start with the positive. Finally list all of the negative or bad qualities you abuser possesses. Be honest and know it is difficult to think of the good qualities specially if the abuse is recent or fresh.
The balance method will help in answering some very difficult but possibly lifesaving questions. According to Helpguide.org there are several key points that you need to keep in mind when making your decision to stay or leave.
1. Will the abuse end, will he or she change? “The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.”[1]
2. I can make him change! “It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.”[2]
3. He/she has promised it will never happen again? “When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.”[3]
4. He or she is in counseling or a program to change! “Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.” [4]
Listen to your heart and mind, no one can make the decision for you but remember, whether you decide to stay or leave you are a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy, healthy and more importantly safe.
For further information and resources available to men and women in abusive relationship please visit:
Help for Abused & Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters & Support
