For close to a year I've had an eating diorder. Even though I didn't want to fall it to the society's view of beauty is to be skinny I couldn't help myself. I wanted to be anorexic. I thought that it would be ok since I have a friend who was when she was younger and her family helped her out of it. So I went on the web about ana and researched everything I could about it and of course I stumbled upon pro ana sites. Luckily I didn't have internet at the time cause I was intrested. Anyways I started off with binging. Then I stopped eating. I would eat one thing bad so I would binge again and stop eating. So my weight has maintained itself getting lower then higher. I believe these are bulimic patterns. I'm not sure if this is really bulimia. But this has been going on up till recently. I knew that I was getting an eating disorder but it hadn't quite clicked that I had one. I read something about how bulimics are aware there's a problem. That's when I started thinking. Food was all I thought about. So I researched bulimia. I knew I fit some of the symptoms. I don't want to have a eating disorder. I'm eduacated for my age on the effects of the media. I appear to be a good self esteemed intellectual person. I hid it so well. No one ever suspected about the skipped meals, huge binges. I've hidden it so well no one will ever see that I'm getting better. I've made steps to eat regular meals that are healthy and I exercise. I've formed a realistic few of what my body should look life. I've learned to love my hourglass figure and wide hips. I've learned that I'll never be a size 3 cause my bones can't even get that small, size doesn't matter. I'm learning to accept who I am and to love myself. I still have erges to stop eating cause I still tell myself somedays I'm fat and ugly but I ignore it. I never got to bad into bulimia which I'm glad. I'm getting out of it and healing. I knew all the stuff before but now I know know. I feel incredibly stupid for this ever being an issue to myself. I hate myself for that but I know not to focus on this. It's just that I knew better. I'm not really over it. I still go days without meals but it's way better. I feel stupid posting on a site but I needed to tell somebody and I need a little encouragement cause I won't tell my friends or family. I won't seek help but I will get through it.