More threads by shatteredspirit

I'll try to give some background info. and hope not to bore you all.

I am 55 yrs old, and have been dealing with depression, PTSD, and memories/flashbacks of csa for the last 12 yrs.

I thought I had a "happy" normal life until things started changing. In 1988 I almost died from myocarditis and pericarditis, they could not get a blood pressure on me and finally realized what was going on and stuck a needle in the sack around my heart to draw out the fluid which saved my life. They had told my husband if he had not taken me to the hosp in the middle of the night, he would have woke up to a dead body in the bed.

After that my husband started noticing changes in me, he said I had become more cynical. (I wrote it off as turning 40 and my attitude changing about work and people)

At the same time I was in the hosp. I had a brother in the hosp dying of AIDS. He was a favorite brother as a kid because he would take me places and do special things with me. He was about 10 yrs older and was special to me.

Things continued down hill as far as my attitude, I was not the funny, care free, joking person I had been.

In 1992 I was very stressed at work, working overtime, in charge of a computer system coming up in my dept. When that finally got in place I received a call that another brother was in the hosp. dying of AIDS. I called the only family I have in town and was told "this one's yours". (both my parents had already passed away)

So feeling rejected by them I thought fine, I don't need your help and headed out to Colorado to be with my brother. Spent 3 wks there trying to get his things in order, getting him into a hospice, breaking up his apt, etc etc. This was VERY stressful, he was 1 1/2 yrs older than me and we were very close as children. After returning home for about 3 wks I received another call that if I wanted to see him again I better come right away.

I got there and he looked like a holocaust victim, thin and down to nothing.
He suffered a terrible death, that I witnessed and it is still very haunting to me to this day.

I have also been with my sister, whos husband died of cancer. Staying with her for 4 wks watching him die a quick but horrible death also.

So am I done with deaths?? Yes, this past year my husbands mother died and I could not be there. I told my husband I CAN NOT do another dead body.

I will end this here for now, it has gotten too long. After my brothers death, I started getting flashbacks of csa which started another journey through hell. I will pick up there in another post.

Sorry this is so long..thanks for listening.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
You've had a long arduous journey, shatteredspirit. Time to start trying to work through all this and trying to find a little serenity in your life.

csa = childhood sexual abuse?


Hello shatteredspirit,

You have had many losses. I don't do funerals very well and would rather remember the person when they were well. Instead of avoiding funerals, I have gone to be supportive to my friends. If I'm going through difficult times then I have to do what is best for me and if that means not attending funerals then that's what I do.

I really can't imagine how difficult it would be to lose many close family members within a short period of time. It would be life altering.

I like your quote:
Maybe, just maybe, that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.
Thanks for the welcome and your efforts to get information to people. This is a big undertaking, having a site like this takes a lot of time. Thank you all so very much for offering your support here.

Yes, I meant childhood sexual abuse. My father abused me.

It seems like there have been a lot of deaths, I added up all the ones that had an impact on me, relatives and close family friends. I think the total was like 13 since 1972 when my mother died. So...nope, not doing any more deaths. I have been in too many rooms when people have died. When this all came up again this past May when my mother-in-law died, my T said it sounded like I have been traumatized by deaths. When he said that I felt like yelling YES, I have been, I have sat watching people struggle for their last breaths over and over. I thought my bro had gone several times, and then he would sit up in bed gasping for another breath, scaring the crap out of me each time. Furnerals I can do, sitting in a room and watching them die, nope, never again.

I just lost my 3rd bro. a year ago this past May, and again, the family (?) I use that word loosely, left it up to me to take care of him. The list goes on....

Ok, sorry about that, traumatized? Yes I think so.


Oh...yeah...attending funerals is quite different then witnessing the dying process. Being sexually abused by one's father would be traumatizing all on it's own.

I hope your healing journey is a short one through the tunnel.


You've had a very difficult time, shattered. I'm so glad you're here. You have so much to offer, and I do hope we can offer you some things, as well. Hugs, hon!
Thanks for the support. I feel like I am just dumping so much, so quickly here. I promise I'll shut up about myself and will offer support to others.


David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Don't feel that you need to shut up. Over time, you'll see that this community is about seeking support and advice when you need it, and giving it back when you feel able to do so.


Hi ShatteredSpirit - Welcome

I'm glad you found your way here ......heck, ......I'm glad I found my way here ....<smile>..........just wanted to say hello, I'm fairly new myself - if you were to ask me how I found this site, I couldn't tell you and don't really have a clue........but things happen for a hey, was meant to be .......and I think it's a great place and very beneficial - plus there's lots of nice people <wink>........was going to say "the more, the merrier", but not quite sure that is appropriate.....well, it is and it isn't .....I suppose, .......hmmm, hope everyone takes that in the manner any event, Welcome, and have a great weekend....
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