shatteredspirit
Member
I'll try to give some background info. and hope not to bore you all.
I am 55 yrs old, and have been dealing with depression, PTSD, and memories/flashbacks of csa for the last 12 yrs.
I thought I had a "happy" normal life until things started changing. In 1988 I almost died from myocarditis and pericarditis, they could not get a blood pressure on me and finally realized what was going on and stuck a needle in the sack around my heart to draw out the fluid which saved my life. They had told my husband if he had not taken me to the hosp in the middle of the night, he would have woke up to a dead body in the bed.
After that my husband started noticing changes in me, he said I had become more cynical. (I wrote it off as turning 40 and my attitude changing about work and people)
At the same time I was in the hosp. I had a brother in the hosp dying of AIDS. He was a favorite brother as a kid because he would take me places and do special things with me. He was about 10 yrs older and was special to me.
Things continued down hill as far as my attitude, I was not the funny, care free, joking person I had been.
In 1992 I was very stressed at work, working overtime, in charge of a computer system coming up in my dept. When that finally got in place I received a call that another brother was in the hosp. dying of AIDS. I called the only family I have in town and was told "this one's yours". (both my parents had already passed away)
So feeling rejected by them I thought fine, I don't need your help and headed out to Colorado to be with my brother. Spent 3 wks there trying to get his things in order, getting him into a hospice, breaking up his apt, etc etc. This was VERY stressful, he was 1 1/2 yrs older than me and we were very close as children. After returning home for about 3 wks I received another call that if I wanted to see him again I better come right away.
I got there and he looked like a holocaust victim, thin and down to nothing.
He suffered a terrible death, that I witnessed and it is still very haunting to me to this day.
I have also been with my sister, whos husband died of cancer. Staying with her for 4 wks watching him die a quick but horrible death also.
So am I done with deaths?? Yes, this past year my husbands mother died and I could not be there. I told my husband I CAN NOT do another dead body.
I will end this here for now, it has gotten too long. After my brothers death, I started getting flashbacks of csa which started another journey through hell. I will pick up there in another post.
Sorry this is so long..thanks for listening.
I am 55 yrs old, and have been dealing with depression, PTSD, and memories/flashbacks of csa for the last 12 yrs.
I thought I had a "happy" normal life until things started changing. In 1988 I almost died from myocarditis and pericarditis, they could not get a blood pressure on me and finally realized what was going on and stuck a needle in the sack around my heart to draw out the fluid which saved my life. They had told my husband if he had not taken me to the hosp in the middle of the night, he would have woke up to a dead body in the bed.
After that my husband started noticing changes in me, he said I had become more cynical. (I wrote it off as turning 40 and my attitude changing about work and people)
At the same time I was in the hosp. I had a brother in the hosp dying of AIDS. He was a favorite brother as a kid because he would take me places and do special things with me. He was about 10 yrs older and was special to me.
Things continued down hill as far as my attitude, I was not the funny, care free, joking person I had been.
In 1992 I was very stressed at work, working overtime, in charge of a computer system coming up in my dept. When that finally got in place I received a call that another brother was in the hosp. dying of AIDS. I called the only family I have in town and was told "this one's yours". (both my parents had already passed away)
So feeling rejected by them I thought fine, I don't need your help and headed out to Colorado to be with my brother. Spent 3 wks there trying to get his things in order, getting him into a hospice, breaking up his apt, etc etc. This was VERY stressful, he was 1 1/2 yrs older than me and we were very close as children. After returning home for about 3 wks I received another call that if I wanted to see him again I better come right away.
I got there and he looked like a holocaust victim, thin and down to nothing.
He suffered a terrible death, that I witnessed and it is still very haunting to me to this day.
I have also been with my sister, whos husband died of cancer. Staying with her for 4 wks watching him die a quick but horrible death also.
So am I done with deaths?? Yes, this past year my husbands mother died and I could not be there. I told my husband I CAN NOT do another dead body.
I will end this here for now, it has gotten too long. After my brothers death, I started getting flashbacks of csa which started another journey through hell. I will pick up there in another post.
Sorry this is so long..thanks for listening.
