Afraid of my Anger

[CrystalDreamer59]

Sorry if I keep making so many topics. Lately I've been so afraid that I've been holding my anger in too long that it will soon start taking over me again. I just don't know how to let my anger out in a healthy way. It seems the only thing I know how to do with my anger is hold it in until it explodes. I think this is because I always seen my anger as a bad thing and I figure the best thing to do is ignore it but I just can't ignore it for some reason. I keep getting these thoughts telling me I can't ignore my anger. I really feel like I'm about to lose control of myself any day now. What should I do.

 

[Retired]

CrystalDreamer,

I've taken the liberty to move your post to the Forum section dealing with Anger Management, where you will also find some helpful advice among the "Sticky" posts.

Sorry if I keep making so many topics

Not at all, and there is no need to apologize. You are doing just fine. When you have a new topic you wish to discuss and explore, you are doing the right thing by staring a new discussion. Hopefully you will find some answers and support in dealing with your important concerns.

Was there something in particular that has triggered this current bout of anger you are experiencing, or is it an accumulation of things over a period of time?

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I was wondering where this topic was. Sorry for not putting it in the right place. I think this anger I'm having is because I realize that the things that make me angry still do and I really wish they didn't. I want to experience happiness instead of anger and depression all the time but it's so hard when you have so much anger and depression. Also I know how bad my anger can get. It can get to the point where I start to get physical with others and I get into trouble. This is another reason why I try so hard to hold it in and I am so afraid of my anger.

 

[NeedaName]

I had a lot of pent up anger. I took Muay Thai for a couple of years. Sparring did wonders for bringing down my anger. Jogging also helped. I'm not sure if it actually deals with the cause, but it sure made me feel better.

Hope you get an answer that works for you.

 

[Retired]

CrystalDreamer,

Don't worry about putting a post "in the right place", because we'll move it if necessary and leave a temporary re-direct from the original location so you can find your message.

As you progress through therapy, your thinking process should evolve to see that appreciation of differences and willingness to negotiate and to compromise is the way to interact with others than to resort to frustration and anger.

Have a look through some of the "sticky" posts in Anger Management here on the Forum to learn ways of dealing with anger issues.

Begin your journey to modifying your behaviour by working toward the realization that anger is not the reaction you need to allow, but rather trying to see the other person's point of view, and if you disagree with it, explain to them why you feel your point of view might have some merit. After hearing both points of view, see if there could be some middle ground where you could both be happy.

It's understandable that when you're angry it's hard to feel happy. You need to find ways to substitute negotiation for the anger you have become accustomed to using as a first response.

Negotiation: its a process that takes place every day when two or more people get together. For example, I may like Italian food, my buddy hates Italian, but likes German food....I don't like German food but after talking about it we find we both like Chinese...so we both agree on Chinese..not necessarily our first choice, but a mutually acceptable choice...negotiation, no arguments, no anger and everybody's happy.

Have you ever tried negotiating with people, CrystalDreamer?

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I never tried negotiating with people because I'm so afraid they won't agree with me. I remember in high school I did a speech in which I presented my opinion on a topic I'm very passionate about and even presented facts to back up my opinion, but sadly no one ever listened to me. It seems no matter people don't listen to me. It doesn't even matter is I'm being assertive or aggressive in my tone people just won't listen to me. It seems as though no one cares about me or what I have to say making me feel so unimportant sometimes. Why won't people listen to me even when I try to be assertive.

 

[Retired]

I never tried negotiating with people because I'm so afraid they won't agree with me.

The purpose of negotiating is not to make people agree with you, but rather to find common ground for both of you to find acceptable. You will always find that some people will disagree with you, and there's probably nothing you could ever do to change their minds. When you encounter someone with a point of view different from your own, you could try to politely discuss your differences, and try to diplomatically persuade them, but expect them to hold their ground, and that's OK too.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and everyone has the right to hold their opinion. You may not see it their way, and that's your right too, but it's no reason to create a confrontation, in most cases.

There may be situations where you need to make your case, such as when you have to advocate for yourself, say, to defend your rights, but that's a different situation where assertive action may be required.

Being assertive requires considerable practice to get it right, because being assertive requires using just the right amount of force to achieve the result you need. Using too much force and you can appear to be overly aggressive and even belligerent and obnoxious. Sometimes when learning to be assertive, we make the mistake of using too much force making people become defensive and they cease to cooperate. It's like using a cannon when only a pea shooter is necessary.

Assertiveness training can be arranged with your therapist where you can rehearse and practice to hone your skills.

In summary, you cannot expect everyone to agree with you, and when you have a situation of disagreement, look for common ground where both of you can compromise.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I really need to work on assertiveness. I guess it shouldn't matter rather people listen to me or not, but I would like it if people at least considered and thought about my point of view on things. Maybe the problem is that it's so hard for me to accept others point of view and that's why others don't accept my point of view. How can I be more flexible instead of so opinionated. It's so hard for me to change my mind on certain things. Once I form an opinion in my head it's stuck there.

 

[Retired]

CrystalDreamer,

How can I be more flexible instead of so opinionated.

I've been accused of being opinionated as well, so here's the way I've tried to moderate my views. Opinions are based on information we gather, so for me, information gathering never stops. That way, I'm free to modify and even change my opinion, as long as the opinion change is supported by the facts.

In many situations, facts and information can change with time, people can change with time and circumstances can change with time, so by constantly updating my knowledge, my views can change.

This concept can even apply to disagreements or conflicts with people. If you ask the other person to explain their position, you may discover something in what they say that might change your mind about them or the situation.

I think the key to being able to accomplish this, is to keep an open mind and keep your ego in check. Accept the possibility that you might be mistaken about an opinion you have formed and that you are willing to revise that opinion based on newly discovered facts.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

What about a subject that seems to be solely a matter of opinion and there seem to be no facts to support rather it is right or wrong. How do you determine what is right and what is wrong then.

 

[Retired]

What about a subject that seems to be solely a matter of opinion ............How do you determine what is right and what is wrong then.

Interesting question!

Here's my opinion, and I can't say if it's right or wrong, so maybe others will express their opinions.

I guess it depends on what you feel is right for you, and allow others to have their own opinion and respect their right to have it.

The example that comes to mind is that of religion or political views. You may have a certain religious belief and vote for a particular political party, but my view on the same subject might be very different from yours. We could get along as friends, while respecting each others right to our personal opinions because there is no universal right or wrong in those particular matters, only what's right for you.

What's your opinion on the matter?

 

[rdw]

Well said Steve! We can agree to disagree on the subject - no one is right or wrong we just look at things through our own lens.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I'm trying to see things that way. Part of me wants to believe that people should have the right to their opinion and that there should be no right or wrong and no rules. But another part of me feels as though people shouldn't be allowed to have their opinion because there should be rules to keep things from going chaotic. Why do I have two different parts to me.

 

[rdw]

Maybe you are still discovering who you are? That takes time, life experiences and exposure to a wide variety of cultures and people.

 

[Retired]

CrystalDreamer,

You once shared with us that you had been diagnosed as having autism spectrum disorder, and so I have done some research on the subject to better familiarize myself with how that works.

I came across a very interesting article written by James Williams an intelligent young man who speaks and writes about what it's like to live with autism.

The article called Six Principles of Autistic Interaction is posted on the Forum HERE.

I found the article fascinating and gave me some much needed insights into what life is like for people with autism.

Have a look at it to see if any of the information James shares seems familiar.

At the end of that post, I included some links to other articles I found explaining how interaction with people with autism can work best.

I'll look forward to your comments.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

Yeah I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I remember even posting a topic titled Who Am I.

As for Autism. I'm not entirely sure if I'm on the spectrum. I was just labeled as autistic, but have never been fully tested and I don't want to be tested. The reason I don't want to be tested is because people tend to see autism as a negative thing that needs to be cured.

 

[Retired]

The reason I don't want to be tested is because people tend to see autism as a negative thing

I can understand how you might feel, because the concern is that some people cannot get past the disorder, and cannot see you as the person you are, but get stuck on the disorder.

However, you may wish to reconsider because when you know exactly your particular situation, including what is your diagnosis, if any, then you can use the support resources available to you to develop strategies to deal with your disorder.

There will always be uninformed or just plain stupid people who, for whatever reason, will find fault with anything and anybody, no matter what their situation might be. You should not limit your own potential by what others might think or say.

Knowing what you have to deal with allows you to take control of your life, and use your strengths to excel at whatever you choose.

Additionally, there may be legislation in your area to provide services and protections for people with special needs. You might not be able to avail yourself of these services without an official diagnosis.

Remember that getting a diagnosis does not require that you publicize it, but it gives you the distinct advantage of knowing what you have to deal with, so you can have control of your life.

 

[MHealthJo]

Hey CrystalDreamer.

I just wanted to put it to you that even if you come to believe that you do have a certain diagnosis, or if you get fully tested in order to be absolutely sure, it is totally up to you as to who you tell or don't tell about any particular diagnosis that you have. You will not have the word "AUTISTIC" stamped across your forehead for everyone to see; and you could ask your family to keep it private if you wished. Nobody has to know if you don't tell them!

We can all make our own choices about how much information to share and how much information we would rather keep to ourselves. We can certainly steer clear of sharing information with some groups or types of people who may have an uninformed or negative view of things. Knowing about autism, if that is what you do have, can make a huge difference in your life and give you a much better advantage. But it can do this without you necessarily telling others that you are on the autism spectrum.

OR... another option to think about is this. Since you do have an interest in changing the world, and you feel that most people think autism is negative and must be "cured"... (I am not sure that is true, by the way...)

Imagine the difference it could make to those viewpoints, when people with autism learn more, tell others what they have learned, create cool things, or do cool things! Or when they help others to become better informed. Imagine how the world can be changed when these people show others that autism is NOT always something negative to be cured! I have read quite a lot about autism and there are definitely people out there doing this very thing. Believe me - they are changing the world! This could be you.

If a professional has suggested you are on the autism spectrum, you would do so well to know much more about it. When people begin to read a lot about the particular challenge they have, often they have an experience where "the penny drops". This means that all of a sudden, they understand themselves and understand their difficulties far, far better. Suddenly a lot of things make a WHOLE LOT of sense! This is a wonderful place from which to live our lives, a starting point to go towards the things that we want. It can also be very freeing, knowing how something works and the reason why we are experiencing something.

Having read quite a bit about people who have high-functioning autism or Asperger (which means those like you, who can talk and communicate well), let me give you two metaphors that could describe the experiences they often have... especially if they have not learned a lot about their condition, or developed many tools to deal with it yet.

Imagine that one day you sat down to draw some manga. Except just for a change, instead of using a pencil or some ink and some sort of paper..... you decided that you would try to do it using a fork, and a bowl of soup!

Would you ever do that? Of course not! These are the wrong tools to try to do this task!

What I mean is that to get the results we want, it is very important to have the tools that we need. It is very important to have the situation set up to help us out as much as we can. If you want to create a cool manga drawing, you just cannot sit down and make that happen with a bowl of soup and a fork. You go collect the tools you actually need, and you may also read some books about it or learn more about it to see how it's done. Tada - the result you wanted is now much easier to create than before, of course!

Or what about this. Have you ever gone into a store to buy something, and tried to pay for the goods using.... Monopoly money?

Of course not! That is just not how things work! Before you go into the store, you make sure that you have the cash that you need to buy what you want. Or you may choose to make sure that you have a credit card if you would rather use that form of payment.

Just the same as this, when we have a certain difference about ourselves and the functioning of our brain, we may find that among the wider world, we keep not getting the result that we want, because we have not come to understand the difference that we have and what we can do to deal with it.

When we do not understand the differences enough - or at least get the tools to handle things the best way that we can - it is like we are going around to all the stores trying to MAKE them accept Monopoly money. And we do not understand why nobody will accept it! It is not fair and not right to them - that is not a currency they can use to run their business. But we can't see it their way or adjust to make the situation work. We just keep trying, and trying, and trying to make them accept it - but that is not going to work any better!

This may make us very upset or angry if we do not UNDERSTAND what is going on, or the reason we are running into trouble. Imagine if you actually thought the Monopoly money was real money! You'd be so upset and not understand why people are acting in such a way!

But imagine how much easier and simpler it is, once you figured out that you are just using the wrong currency. You would just make sure that you have some actual cash or a credit card, and suddenly..... I think you would definitely start to get a lot more success!

I think if you read more about high-functioning Autism or Asperger, especially if you go into a community of these people such as wrongplanet.net, you might have the "penny drop" experience. Instead of feeling terrible or defective or stupid or something, which can sometimes happen when we have a difference or a difficulty we don't understand, you could suddenly go "WOW! These people are like me and understand me much more! I am just a different variety of person, but there are lots and lots of others like me!!!!" Imagine if you suddenly understood that there are plenty of other people like you, who you may really enjoy spending time with or talking with if you have some similar interests with some of them. And imagine if, also, you could use their experience and their way of explaining things to have much more understanding of how "neurotypical" people are different, and ways that you can have more success with the fact that there are so many neurotypical people in the world.

With time, you could find that it is a bit like giving up on the fork and the soup bowl for creating art, and going and getting your art supplies instead. Or maybe it could be a bit like having a much better supply of U.S. dollars, rather than always trying to use Monopoly money. And you may feel much better in terms of anger and bad feelings, when you can get a better understanding of what is happening around you and also inside you.

There is one more thing that it could be like. Imagine if you suddenly found out that there was a little mall somewhere in your area, and all the shopkeepers in that mall DID accept Monopoly money and were happy to accept it! They could be very glad to see you, and sometimes it may be a wonderful thing to not have to worry as much about not "fitting in" with the other folks who were refusing your Monopoly money. If you have autism traits, this could be like spending time with those who share those traits - it could be fun and very interesting to spend time with some people whose mind is closer to yours and who see you as more similar to them; and they could be much better at explaining certain things to you or helping you navigate this world and all the neurotypical people in it!

N.B.: I am not a health professional and we don't diagnose other people on this forum, but I have noticed that with various things with you, the "autism or Asperger" penny has been dropping for me. Apparently it is quite common for these people to develop a lot of their viewpoints, ideas, morals, values etc by the way of learning from TV programs, movies, or media quite a bit. You did mention you feel that the Arthur program and kids programs taught you what was right and wrong in some ways, for example the cussing thing. That is a very big thing for a lot of autism/Asperger folks. I did also wonder if your desire to fight for what you believe, and things like that, could have had an influence from those kinds of sources. That is a huge theme in the entertainment and media that we watch, so it is understandable!

The penny really dropped for me also when you were talking about how once you get an idea in your head, it is rigid and fixed. This is a very very common trait among these folks, too. There have been a bunch of things like that and then when I read your thread about the autism, it did make sense.

So all I am saying is, knowing something that is different about us only has to be negative if we choose to believe that... it can actually be wonderfully positive to know what is going on and to then have the tools that we need. Lots and lots of people on this forum can tell you that and give their own examples!

You have to remember that pretty much nobody in the world does not have some sort of little illness, or challenge, or something a bit different about them. No two people are the same, and absolutely nobody is perfect! In a way that means that we are all.... "different" and "don't fit in", kind of, in some way!

Pretty much anyone, with all our little differences from each other, can be a great person and have a good life...but it is far more likely to happen if we find out the real deal, learn about ourselves, and get the tools we need.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

I believe what my problem really is, is that I'm emotional and because of my experience I keep my emotions bottled in until they seem to explode. Despite the negative labels I've been given I don't believe them due to my current beliefs. I will admit however I do occasionally need help with emotions. everyone has emotions that they sometimes need help with, but it's not because they're mental. It's because everyone has emotions. However, most people like me are taught to be ashamed of their emotions and to keep them bottled in.

By the way, I think the reason I'm so opinionated as I have mentioned is (and this might sound funny) is because of my connection to nature and the element of earth. People connected to the element of earth tend to be very ridged, stiff, opinionated and hard to change their mind sort of like a rock.