After therapy sessions

[poss]

Hi Buffy,

Just wanted to share that I feel exactly the same after therapy sessions, even now after 2 years. I feel like I desperately need to see my therapist again, like that same day or the next. I feel I want to call her to make an extra appointment or I feel it's urgent that I clarify something I said or go into something she said a bit more incase I misunderstood it. And it all feels SO urgent.

I handle it by writing notes on what happened in the session, anything useful my therapist said, anything that I want to query at the next session and then I start working towards that next session. It may sound silly but I imagine in my head what I will tell my therapist the next week and writing the notes gives me a starting point and something to focus on.

I've also come to expect this reaction after every session and I know it only lasts for about a day or two and then I'm okay again and looking towards the next week.

I hope it helps to know you're not alone in feeling like this.

Take care,

Poss

 

[littlepieces]

Hi Little Pieces and Buffy55,
I know what you both are going through and my thoughts are with you. I have had a very hard time opening up as well. I don't trust either and it feels like nothing will come out. Yesterday though was better than it has been. I managed to bring something up (in my own way in order to open the conversation). Nothing big but it was something I thought I needed to deal with and I wanted my therapist to know. It has taken me over a year but I did it. So, I know it might feel like you will never be able to open up but it will happen when you are comfortable.

Thanks Boi,
It is helpfull to know others have been though the same difficulties!
I know at the moment I am in a position to really grow to feel comfortable with my therapist but did not think I would ever be in this position and its quite scary:noidea:
Thanks for your response.
Buffy I feel I have taken over your thread somewhat and am sorry for that, its just that your post was so close to how I am feeling, wishing you well,
Littlepieces

 

[Jazzey]

Buffy - I'm thrilled to hear that you will keep going to therapy. I hope that you'll keep sharing with us. As you can see here, your post helped others through their own questions about therapy - therapy isn't always going to be comfortable and I guess, the easy answer is to say 'it's ok'. Again, I'm happy you posted and I hope that you'll keep sharing with us.

Littlepieces, I've also had those dark thoughts. Just remember, they're only thoughts and just accept that this is where you are for right now. "Right now" being the key words. I'm lending you some strength in your therapy so that you won't stay there too long...And don't be shy about leaning on us here or asking questions yourself.

 

[amastie]

Buffy - I'm thrilled to hear that you will keep going to therapy. I hope that you'll keep sharing with us. As you can see here, your post helped others through their own questions about therapy - therapy isn't always going to be comfortable and I guess, the easy answer is to say 'it's ok'. Again, I'm happy you posted and I hope that you'll keep sharing with us.

Littlepieces, I've also had those dark thoughts. Just remember, they're only thoughts and just accept that this is where you are for right now. "Right now" being the key words. I'm lending you some strength in your therapy so that you won't stay there too long...And don't be shy about leaning on us here or asking questions yourself.

Buffy and Littlepiences,
I've read this thread and have wanted to respond more fully to you both but find it a bit idiffiuclt at present, but it *was* importnat to me to let you both know that I understand and that my heart goes to you both :heart: :hug:

As far as what I feel after therapy, it brings up so much real feeling, things that I cannot share elsewhere, that I desparately need to console myself with a meal out afterward (my particular way of comforting myself - not that I recommend it *or* my size <lol>) but I *do* understand.

As for feeling worthless, littlepieces, you're worthwhile to *us* - very worthwhile! And I send lots of :hug: and :flowers: to help pick you up too.

Right now, I must head off but wanted just to add my voice to that of others here in letting you know that you are heard and your feeling matter a great deal!

Hold on, and get that help you need

 

[Into The Light]

Thanks for your reply Jazzey,
The therapist I was consulting on-line for about a year did recommend them but the one I am seeing now has not mentioned them, but don’t think he really knows how down I am...and maybe one of the reasons I don’t want him to know is because I don’t what to be in that position of refusing medication again.
I think it’s both reasons...It might make it easier but still feel I should not need to take anything and should be able to cope without them.
Thanks for listening in quite a dark place at the moment :sob2:
Littlepieces

hi littlepieces, your feelings on meds are very normal, i think many people have those when faced with the idea of possibly needing them. if we take them it is indeed an admission to ourselves that we are not well, and who wants to admit that?

the other thought that we should be able to cope without meds is a very common one as well. we should be strong enough, capable enough with enough will power to get through how we are feeling.

the truth is depression is not purely "all in your head". depression actually is a physical illness. it just so happens to be your brain that is physically affected instead of your heart or your lungs or your bowels. the brain is a physical organ and it isn't immune to disease.

no amount of will power is going to make a broken leg heal. you still need to see a doctor who's going to set it and give you pain medication. same thing goes for heart disease. you can will it away all you want but it's not going to fix your heart. you will need medication to help control it.

it's the same thing with depression. your brain has started to malfunction. this is why medication actually works, because it's a physical problem with an organ when you are depressed.

i was very scared of anti-depressants and resisted them for as long as i could. i thought they were very scary meds and did not want to take them. the thing is my condition eventually got so bad i was scared of what would happen if i didn't take them. my doctor said i had nothing to lose by trying them and he was right. i had gotten to a point where i felt so awful, physically and mentally, that i just didn't know how else i was going to make it. my depression had become severe and suicide was starting to become a very real choice in my mind. by the time i started taking the anti-depressants i was terrified they weren't going to work for me, and i didn't know how i was going to last until they did work, if they worked.

thankfully they did work for me, and i started to feel tiny relief after about a couple of weeks already (although those couple of weeks seemed like an eternity, time crawls at a snail's pace when depressed).

there lies an assumption that if we take the meds we are weak, not strong. the truth of the matter is it takes great strength to make that decision and to acknowledge we need medication to get by. there is no shame in anti-depressants, even if it may feel that way right now. anti-depressants save lives, and i am so thankful they exist. even if it's not a matter of life and death for you right now, it is a matter of your quality of life. we all deserve to feel well.

i understand your hesitation, it is quite normal. it's something we all go through. i hope this post is helpful to you and i am glad you found us here.

 

[Marcel]

Thanks Boi,
IBuffy I feel I have taken over your thread somewhat and am sorry for that, its just that your post was so close to how I am feeling, wishing you well,
Littlepieces

Hi littlepieces - I am glad you posted everything you did and it lead to very helpful other posts as well - so thank you.

I resist medication as well. I do feel better when I take it but I do not want to be dependent on it or have it control the way I act (ie make me be more outgoing when I do not want to be). And I don't like feeling like I am inferior to others because I can't cope without taking the medication whereas the rest of the world can.

 

[Into The Light]

I resist medication as well. I do feel better when I take it but I do not want to be dependent on it or have it control the way I act (ie make me be more outgoing when I do not want to be).

buffy, i don't quite follow this. is that the feeling you get when you take medication, that it controls you? in my experience it is not a pill that makes you behave out of character and has you all giddy, not at all. anti-depressants actually take the edge of the emotional pain you feel when depressed, but you still have your moods. they don't put you in a permanent happy state. the truth of the matter is that it is the depression that controls us. it makes us withdraw, it makes us irritable, it makes us unable to cope with social interactions, it robs us of our energy and stops us from living life to the fullest. depression affects our relationship with anyone important in our lives, and makes us feel like worthless, useless, and horrible people. depression literally sucks the life out of you.

And I don't like feeling like I am inferior to others because I can't cope without taking the medication whereas the rest of the world can.

there's a generalizing statement many people can't cope without medication, and you would be surprised once you start asking around how many people actually have needed them in the past or are taking them now.

if it helps, taking medications for depression does not have to be a permanent, life-long situation. i've been on mine for well over two years now and am planning to start weaning off them in several months. (just making sure i am doing ok and fine for a good long time before i do that). just because you need meds doesn't mean you are inferior. needing heart medication for a heart condition doesn't make a person inferior, so why would this? all it means your body needs a little help for a little while. it doesn't have to be forever.

i know it's hard to accept we might need meds, and i hope eventually you'll feel ok with the idea.

 

[Marcel]

I know what you are saying into the light - that conceptually it is no different than insulin for diabetics or blood pressure medicine - I know logically that I shouldn't be embarrassed...but... I still am. As for controlling me - medication makes me way more outgoing and social than I want to be. And I really have an issue with that. But it is a tradeoff to feeling physically better and able to work when taking it so I try to deal with it. Thanks for your comments!

 

[amastie]

Hi littlepieces...I resist medication as well. I do feel better when I take it but I do not want to be dependent on it or have it control the way I act (ie make me be more outgoing when I do not want to be). And I don't like feeling like I am inferior to others because I can't cope without taking the medication whereas the rest of the world can.

Hi Buffy,
I wanted to make mention of how I feel controlled by other people inside me (my diagnosis is not depression but dissociation) so me it is a matter of who or what is doing the controlling. The medicatoin in my case stops these other "people" inside me controlling me in ways that hurt me. Using medication enables *me* to regain control over myself.

I would have thought that antidepressants would have a similar effect in that, if you take the right one in the right quantity, you don't necessarily act in ways that are uncomfortable for you but rathre it gives you back the control to act in ways that *are* comfortable for you. Yes/no?

In the company of all those who use these forums I would gues that most of use use medication at some time, and I don't see any of us being inferior to anyone. In fact, I see us as taking the reins of our own lives and using whatever means are at our disposal to help empower ourselves. To me, *that* is asserting oneself. I understand that for many other people medication means someone giving in more to dependence - but then those same people may drink alcohol or smoke, obsessively organize, or take to controling of others, gossip to an inordinate extent or, in one case I know, even nagging - that person thinks that nagging isn't the same at all <lol> - all to feel better in their life. One man's medication is another man's nit picking

I respect that you will feel what you feel and that 's to be respected. I just wanted to talk about it froim a diferent perspective

 

[Into The Light]

As for controlling me - medication makes me way more outgoing and social than I want to be. And I really have an issue with that.

have you ever brought this up with your doctor? maybe what you need is different meds to help you not have that feeling. i think it would be well worth it to investigate the options it's quite often trial and error before finding the right medication for each person. i was lucky enough that the first one i tried worked for me, but i have heard of many people who had to keep trying til they found what worked for them.

 

[Halo]

As for controlling me - medication makes me way more outgoing and social than I want to be. And I really have an issue with that.

Could it be that you are just not use to being so social and outgoing and it is different and it is the fear talking. Before medication you were probably withdrawn and quiet and now with medication you are coming out of your shell and are not so withdrawn which may feel very foreign.

I may be way off base here but just wanted to throw it out there as an option.

Take care

 

[littlepieces]

Could it be that you are just not use to being so social and outgoing and it is different and it is the fear talking. Before medication you were probably withdrawn and quiet and now with medication you are coming out of your shell and are not so withdrawn which may feel very foreign.

I may be way off base here but just wanted to throw it out there as an option.

Take care

From personal experience I agree with Halo, when my Mum was taking antidepressants she was much more out going and happy, which for me was quite strange and I found it quite difficult to adjust because she was not the Mother I new. I was quite please in the end that I left for Uni and was not around as much.
So maybe if you give yourself a chance to adjust you may find you become more comfortable with the "new you "! Or if you still feel odd maybe look to change meds (fwhich is what has be sugested already i know), hope you manage to get a balance.
Littlepieces

 

[Marcel]

Does anyone sit there after therapy and convince themselves of all the reasons they can't tell the therapist things? Reasons like the therapist will just think
-you are being melodramatic,
-that there are other people in much more dire straits around the world and you are a pathetic self-pitying individual who is just wasting the world's resources including the therapist's time,
- that they have already heard you say the same thing before and you just keep repeating yourself rather than doing something about it,
- that they wished they hadn't accepted you as a patient because you are the most boring, unfulfilling client who is wasting their time - and especially in comparison to all the other people and clients they know,
- that they have more interesting things in their personal lives to think about and are just putting in the time waiting for the hour to be over (and not to think of you again until that one hour comes again the following week)
etc.
I understand about transference but it is also possible the therapist REALLY does think these kinds of things and it isn't just you projecting your thoughts on to them. And it is hard to reveal anything personal (and humiliating) when you have all these doubts about what the therapist is really thinking about you.

 

[Jazzey]

Does anyone sit there after therapy and convince themselves of all the reasons they can't tell the therapist things? Reasons like the therapist will just think
-you are being melodramatic,
-that there are other people in much more dire straits around the world and you are a pathetic self-pitying individual who is just wasting the world's resources including the therapist's time,
- that they have already heard you say the same thing before and you just keep repeating yourself rather than doing something about it,
- that they wished they hadn't accepted you as a patient because you are the most boring, unfulfilling client who is wasting their time - and especially in comparison to all the other people and clients they know,
- that they have more interesting things in their personal lives to think about and are just putting in the time waiting for the hour to be over (and not to think of you again until that one hour comes again the following week)
etc.
I understand about transference but it is also possible the therapist REALLY does think these kinds of things and it isn't just you projecting your thoughts on to them. And it is hard to reveal anything personal (and humiliating) when you have all these doubts about what the therapist is really thinking about you.

Pretty much every time Buffy And no, those are all of our insecurities getting the better of us. Telling us "don't tell". But, we have to talk - that's how our therapists are going to help us.

It's really hard to reveal personal things even when I'm not thinking that the therapist is thinking all of these things. But, as humiliating as we think it is, I'm pretty sure that the therapist doesn't think it's a fraction as bad as we make it out to be Buffy. In fact, I'm willing to bet that they want us to talk about all of these things.

Our instincts try to tell us to not reveal those parts. One of the things I do now is I verbalize my feelings. So for instance, I'll say: "I'm finding it really hard to talk about this". Which usually results in our talking about why it's difficult to talk about it - I'm embarrassed, I'm afraid of being judged, I'm afraid you're going to think I'm being melodramatic or exaggerating the situation, and my favorite - "I'm feeling the need to bolt right now" etc...Then I get feedback on how to deal with those feelings so that I can talk about the deeper stuff.

Hard work Buffy - but I'm being optimistic and thinking that there's a reason why it's hard - and that the pay off is worth it...Does this makes sense?

 

[Marcel]

You sound very courageous - I admire your strength in therapy. Yes, what you are saying makes sense.

 

[Jazzey]

You sound very courageous - I admire your strength in therapy. Yes, what you are saying makes sense.

Thanks Buffy. I think I sound more courageous than I am though :blush: my usual recourse is to run away . But I also know that this won't help me. So that was one of the first things I told my psychologist - that I was prone to feeling the need to run. And we talked about that too!

To be honest - I think we're all pretty courageous to decide to go the therapy in the first place. It's really difficult to show yourself in that light to a perfect stranger. Much easier to show the facades that we do in every day life with people who never get to see that vulnerable side to us....

 

[Into The Light]

i discovered how pleased and proud my therapist is to hear me say things that are difficult. why would she feel this way? because it shows i trust her enough which tells her she's doing something right, and it also shows progress on my part. therapists want for us to do well and improve, and the only way that is possible is for us to say those difficult words. they understand how hard that is, and how we might feel afraid or embarrassed, and a competent therapist won't judge you for that.

 

[Halo]

-that there are other people in much more dire straits around the world and you are a pathetic self-pitying individual who is just wasting the world's resources including the therapist's time,
- that they have already heard you say the same thing before and you just keep repeating yourself rather than doing something about it,
- that they wished they hadn't accepted you as a patient because you are the most boring, unfulfilling client who is wasting their time - and especially in comparison to all the other people and clients they know,
- that they have more interesting things in their personal lives to think about and are just putting in the time waiting for the hour to be over (and not to think of you again until that one hour comes again the following week)
etc.

I understand about transference but it is also possible the therapist REALLY does think these kinds of things and it isn't just you projecting your thoughts on to them. And it is hard to reveal anything personal (and humiliating) when you have all these doubts about what the therapist is really thinking about you.

I definitely can relate to what you have written above. I have the same thoughts (and more) after leaving therapy but I try to put these thoughts out of my head (as hard as it is) and focus on the good points. Those are the things that I try to journal about so that when I am feeling low I can go back and read them.

And I agree with Jazzey that anyone entering therapy is courageous and has a lot of guts. It takes a strong person to go to a therapist and be willing to show them the good and the bad....definitely not an easy task but one that is necessary in order to heal. It is a journey worth travelling.

Take care

 

[forgetmenot]

i worry too if i am taking up a spot in my therapist time schedule that could be used by someone who needs him more than i do i don't know how to talk to him that well and also feel i am wasting his time i hope to have the courage someday to be more opened with him but i do feel the therapist only has our best interest even when i don't say much i come out of the sessions feeling better than i went in so something i am saying is working i guess

 

[Marcel]

i discovered how pleased and proud my therapist is to hear me say things that are difficult. why would she feel this way? because it shows i trust her enough which tells her she's doing something right, and it also shows progress on my part.

As horrible as this is, sometimes part of the reason I hold back from talking is also because I am angry/hurt about something the therapist has said/done and I think she hasn't earned the right to get to hear my real thoughts. I know I am really only hurting myself by doing this, not making her suffer and that it is very childish.