Any thoughts?

[Kuroshashu]

Hello all,
I come to you in order to gather opinions about my mental state. Thanks in advance for any of you that contribute. I apologise if I go on or offend. This is all very awkward for me, as I'm somewhat known for discarding emotion and refusing to discuss it, save for some kind of wittism.

Anyway, to the issue, I'm depressed most of the time, however, any kind of deviation from the background-level depression is fairly quickly channeled into fury, where upon walls gain new holes, furniture gets upturned or, in a few extreme cases, I simply black-out. Notice I didn't say I fainted during these black-outs. Good reason for that phrasology, but as your moderator warns against graphic/upsetting stories, I'll leave your imaginations to fill the blanks.

I'm asshamed to say that I deal with these fluctuations by either alcohol or driving dangerously by way of release.

I'm afraid that, if I'm honest, I'd have to call myself a misogynist. Indeed, I cannot bear to look at a woman if I'm feeling down. Well, more so than usual. Indeed, I've only ever shed one tear and it was after I was dragged to a strip club by well-meaning friends. A note on that, while I only recall a single tear through-out my life, my memory is rather unreliable: I've only about three memories before age twelve and I often have to ask others to inform me about my own life, as recently as a few hours ago in cases.

Vocationally speaking, I'm afraid I'm a bit of a lost cause: about six months into basically anything, I feel too smothered and have to get out. The last time I managed to hold a job that long, I started driving to work and kept going, not stopping until three days and circa 3500 kilometres later.

Again, I do appologise for what must read as a long whine. Thanks for sticking with me as long as you have.

Kuroshashu.

 

[Halo]

Kuroshashu

First of all I would like to welcome you to Psychlinks :welcome:
I am glad to have you here and to see you posting.

I read your post above and it was not a long whine, in fact I found it quite open and honest and I truly appreciate that. I know that you came here to gather opinions about your mental state and although I am not a professional by any means, I can only speak from my experience. You state that you are depressed most of the time but then describe what I would think of as anger and more specifically rage. Also the fact that memories or lack thereof and that people have to remind you of your own life even up to a few hours ago seems to be another major issue. These two things seem to me to be the most predominant things from your post.

Have you or are you in therapy? Have you consulted your doctor about this? If not, I would definitely think that it is time to do so.

You are not a lost cause as you said, nobody is. Everyone is helpable but I think only if they want to be helped. As it seems like you do, I truly hope that you can and do find the help that is out there for you.

Take care
Nancy

 

[Kuroshashu]

Thank you Nancy.
No, I've not seen a doctor nor a psychologist. Due to various mis-adventures and my tendancy not to hold jobs terribly long, the cash to do so isn't.

 

[Halo]

I understand that the need for cash can and sometimes does create a problem when looking for help but many cities have mental health clinics that are available for free but this of course depends on where you live. Have you thought of checking your local phone book for clinics like this in your area? It might be worth a look. Also if you tell me what country you live in (not that you have to, no pressure at all) I might be able to find the national phone number or website for further resources.

 

[Kuroshashu]

I live in Australia. More specifically, Melbourne.

 

[Halo]

I have done some searching around and here is what I came up with.

If you take a look at this post http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=4661 the 5th post down lists some good university references which as far as I understand most provide psychological services cheaper and they are not necessarily just for students.

Also this is the Mental Health Council of Australia website which I am sure has some great resources and contact information. The website is http://www.mhca.org.au/. Another one is this website run by the government http://www.health.gov.au/internet/wcms/publishing.nsf/Content/Mental+Health+and+Wellbeing-1

If I find anymore, I will post them for you. I hope some of these links are helpful.
Take care

 

[Kuroshashu]

Thanks. I'll look into these.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Hi Kuroshashu

What a cool name!

Welcome to the forum, like Nancy said - it didn't seem to be a whine to me at all (not if you've seen some of my pointless rants ) and I hope you get the help, care and advice that you are seeking.

I just wanted to point out, that if you are depressed most of the time, then the fury/rage could be a way of coping when the depression gets to be too much for you.

Referring to the lack of ability to hold down a job, may I ask roughly how old you are? Do you feel that the jobs that you have had in the past were jobs that you were interested in at all? I mean, if you got a job that you really liked, do you feel that you would still have the urge to leave after a while?

I would also recommend trying to see someone to talk to. I would approach your doctor and see if he/she can help you with directions of therapists/councellers. I know that in Australia they have free youth councellers for people under 18, and so I am wondering if there may be some other options for you if you are over that age too.

 

[Kuroshashu]

Thank you for your kind words.
Yeah, the thought has previously occured, although it's a long way from being a convienient or suitable coping mechanism.
I am 21. I've had jobs I've quite enjoyed, particularly if you count university student as an occupation. I loved university until near the six-month point, whereupon I tried to take a deferrment and ended up being kicked out due to a clerical error. The other job I enjoyed was refridgerated warehouse work; that was the one from which I ran 3500 kilometres to Queensland. Good question though, I'm not really sure what the answer is. 'Probably' is my best guess.
Heh, I don't really have a doctor, having been raised to believe that nothing short of decapitation is worthy of a doctor's attention, but I plan on seeing some kind of professional once the fiscal situation allows.
Oh, by the way, a bit of an update since this thread was opened. I've just lost my job and actually managed runny eyes after some effort. Not crying, but it's a step in the right direction. For those who also have that problem (is it a problem? Should I be trying to cry?), the song responsible is 'Mad World' by Gary Jules.
Cheers all.
Kuroshashu.

 

[Rosa]

just wanted to add a hi and welcome to the boards. Sorry to hear of your loss of you job, I'm sure this situation must be very frustrating for you. I'm thinking crying is good as its a way to release some pent up emontions, so I think your being able to cry is a good thing.
Hope things improve for you soon and that your able to find someone who can work with you and help you sort these things out.
In friendship
Rosa

 

[ThatLady]

It's good to have you here with us! Welcome to Psychlinks!

It sounds like you've been having a pretty difficult time for quite awhile now. The suggestions for ways to obtain therapy and help are good ones, and the sites given for follow-up should help you. Nancy is really good at ferreting out things on the web that we can all use, no matter where we are.

If you can get yourself hooked into a therapy program, you should notice some major changes in your life. You can learn better coping mechnisms, and how to deal with the times when nothing seems to work out right. We've all had 'em, believe me, mate!

Just hang in there and keep posting. This is a great place to vent your frustration and know you won't be judged and found lacking. Amongst all of us, there's usually someone who's had a similar experience and can offer some concrete advice on things to try. The most important thing, though, is that we all care about one another and our efforts are sincere. That's a big plus!

Again, may I welcome you to our family. :grouphug:

 

[Kuroshashu]

Hello all,
It's been a little while since my last post, so I thought some kind of update is in order. I've lost my home and have had to move back with my parents, although I plan to be gone before one of them gets back. I've lost the car I was using, having lost my car a month or so previously. Oh, and I destroyed my brother's push-bike whilst riding it on the roads down the hills in the middle of the night whilst drunk. Hit a car after loosing too much grip around a downhill, hairpin corner. I got away with only bruises, presumably because of the alcohol, but I feel myself drawn to repeating that night's fun. It's like I only feel alive if it's only luck that's keeping me so. I've just found a cheap motorbike I can afford and I need a new vehicle, so I want it. But, the problem is this habit is probably going to be terminal, so I'm afraid to buy it in the same way that an alcoholic probably doesn't keep alcohol in the house.
Problematic.
Tried to go out with some friends on the weekend, but it sort of ended in disaster. I've some kind of problem with my eyes whereby they hurt constantly. I think this maybe related to the crying thing, but anyway, the only relief I've found is to wear sunglasses. Both as a windbreak and to tint the light. This prompts many a snide remark from smart-arses and I ended up leaving an hour or so after I'd arrived after one remark to many. As a point of interest, I then drank another 1.7 litres of bourbon and coke and went on the afforementioned ride.
Well, I think you're right, ThatLady, that does feel a little better.
Cheers all. Interpret that as literally as you like.
Kuroshashu.

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad you were able to get some of this out of your system by posting here, kuroshashu. it sounds like you're having quite a difficult time and are doing a lot of self-destructive things. have you considered seeing your gp as your first point of contact into the healthcare system? he/she may be able to refer you to get some help that is funded, so that you need not worry about the cost.

 

[ThatLady]

I'm glad you found the ability to vent provided some relief. It usually does, even if that relief is usually short-lived when the underlying problem is still around to cause problems.

I'm glad you weren't hurt in the mishap with the push bike. How did your brother react to having his push bike destroyed? I wouldn't imagine he was too pleased.

I really hope you can find a way to get some help, Kuru. You're on a nasty path to nowhere, and you may need help to get off it. In the meantime, we're here to listen. :hug:

 

[Kuroshashu]

Hello all,
Another update, if I may be so self-indulgent. A little background information maybe required though. I've never had much of a romantic life, being too afraid to allow any such situation to develop. After all, as I may've mentioned, I can be quite violent. Given the degree to which I'm told I resemble my father and the misery he inflicts upon those close to him, I tend to figure that I'd rather do people a favour and keep my distance. By way of illistration, this man lost his temper in an episode disturbingly similiar to mine and chased his family out the the house with a loaded shotgun, leading to a 15 hour stand off with the police. My nose and teeth are still crooked from another such instance. Hence, I'd long ago decided that, while every effort should be made to limit my resemblence to him, that I should never be in a position to inflict that kind of pain. Also, I've been rather gun-shy since the first and last person with whom I was intimate immediately thereafter attempted suicide a number of times. Anyway, I decided to part with this rule for the first time, having been introduced to an extraordinary individual, albeight through the medium of MSN messenger. She's in another country and was introduced to me by a mutual friend in order to entice me to move. The expatriation fell through and I'm still here, but she's moving here instead in a matter of months. Anyway, about a week ago, she excommunicated me, which I found out today by a slip of the tongue/finger of the mutual friend. It's nothing really, but still rather a blow.
Anyway, I was rather down at this revelation and at the general cheeriness of this season, so I'm afraid I reacted by a little drunken night riding. About half an hour into this ride, I found that I was sort of chanting "I don't want to live" under my breathe, as a sort of sub-concious mantra, which didn't exactly cheer me up ;P By the time I returned home, about an hour and a half later, I was in fairly good spirits again, but the whole episode left me somewhat rattled, hence this so-called update, which is beginning to read more like some kind of whinning boast. However, it is too long to edit, so I'll post and be done with it. If any of you have made it this far, thanks for your patience and thanks for your interest.
Kuroshashu

 

[Daniel E.]

so I'm afraid I reacted by a little drunken night riding.

As you know, this is more than self-destructive behavior. This is not caring about other people since drunk driving is a disregard for human life in general. You need to get your priorities in order. Romantic love is overrated compared to the general happiness that is possible from being engaged in the world.

 

[Into The Light]

kuro, any luck yet in discussing things with your doctor?

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, I mistook "drunk riding" for "drunk driving" and I don't know if you were riding a motorcycle -- which would be the most dangerous -- or just riding a regular bike. Regardless, it's obviously still dangerous.

I got away with only bruises, presumably because of the alcohol, but I feel myself drawn to repeating that night's fun. It's like I only feel alive if it's only luck that's keeping me so.

This seems like manic behavior if you ask me, so you may want to get screened for bipolar disorder.

 

[Kuroshashu]

Yeah, I wondered about bipolar disorder since having read it's definition in the one the other recent threads.
I've no doctor, having never really had any dire need for one.
No, it's was only a push-bike, I still haven't gotten my motorbike.

 

[Daniel E.]

Certainly, you are in need of a doctor and/or therapist now, especially since you are self-medicating with alcohol. Depression and intoxication can be a fatal combination. People with depression should not drink alcohol since alcohol is a depressant and can increase the risk for suicide, violence, recklessness, etc.