Attachment issues in therapy

[poss]

Today my therapist said that she is "the mother you can never have". I know that was referring to the transference that has been happening because she has been really nice and supportive to me like a mum. It just really hurt when she said that she's the mother I can never have. I was already insanely jealous of her two children because I imagine her to be a really caring mum and now I feel ever sadder that she isn't mine too. I'm questioning how helpful it is for someone like me to find out what I've been missing all my life, to find out how it really feels for someone to care for you and encourage you like your parents didn't. Maybe ignorance is bliss in this case? Because the more I experience what I've never had, the more I don't want to lose it again and the sadder and angrier I am that I didn't have it. How does it help me to feel this and then to have it taken away from me again when the therapy ends? I don't understand how to get through this. I don't understand why it's supposed to be a good thing to work through transference or for it even to be there in the first place. Maybe I should be avoiding therapists of my mum's age instead.

Any thoughts would be really welcome.

Thanks so much,

Poss

 

[ladylore]

Or you can think of it this way Poss; it is a great opportunity to resolve some of these issues. I am glad you have a great relationship with your therapist. My own therapist use to refer to herself is a rent-a-friend.

One of the best things about liking your therapist is that you can be open with them. But also remember she is your therapist. She isn't a replacement mom and its ok to grieve that. She is there to help you gain skills and insights so that you can reach your therapy goals.

Do you remember what your goals were when you first went to see her? Have you reviewed them lately? Even if you haven't you can still assess if the goals you now are the same goals you had when you first went into therapy.

I try of thinking of this as growing up emotionally. When I wanted to hold on to my therapist at all costs I put myself from about 2-8 yrs of age. As I gain more skills and confidence I still want her around but the 'need her' feeling has slowly left.

I hope some of this will help you Poss.

 

[Halo]

Poss,

Have you spoken to your therapist about how you are feeling...truly feeling? My suggestion would be to copy your post that you wrote above and bring it to your next appointment. It really indicates how you are thinking and feeling and it may help your therapist understand exactly what is going on with you.

 

[poss]

Thanks Ladylore for your suggestions. It is helpful. I didn't really have any goals when I started therapy. It didn't really work like that. I wasn't yet diagnosed with Borderline then, I just had a whole load of issues and confusion. I find psychotherapy hard because I just have to talk about stuff and there's no real structure. But because I love my therapist so much, I don't want to change to do a different type of therapy that is more structured.

Did it really happen like you said, that you eventually feel less need for your therapist once you start getting better? Will the attachment get better if I work through it? I've heard the metaphor that you sit on your therapist's lap while she makes things better and then when you're ready, you will leave her lap and go out into the world on your own. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to risk going through the pain of admitting my attachment feelings to her.

Thanks Halo for your suggestion. I don't think I would have the guts to show her my email. There is SO much that I want to say to her but can't. I just feel like a little kid when I'm there and nothing comes out. I've tried writing her letters to get all this stuff out but I'm too scared to give it to her. And I change my mind on things so often and my feelings change that the next day what I had written wouldn't be true anymore and I'd think the complete opposite.

I'm so confused

 

[Lana]

Hi Poss;
I can completely understand what you're talking about when you describe your feelings for and about your therapist. You're absolutely correct when you say that the feelings you experience are due to transference. That's the good part. The bad part is that the feelings you experience are not for the person behind the therapists front.

Truth of the matter is that you don't know your therapist as you would know your friend, or relative. It is possible that she recognizes that you've attached to her in a way that is no longer beneficial to you or her and is thinking of sending you to something more structured. I am inclined to agree with her, otherwise your fear of rejection, your self-esteem will suffer. So, her suggestion is good and is the best one for you.

I imagine that it's not easy to read what I wrote. At one time, the words above would bring me to tears, or anger, or both. Like you, I have an ideal image of what a good mother is all about. However, I was not blessed with that ideal. It took me a bit of time to accept that sometimes, life deals you a crappy hand. But wishing for something that will never be, no matter how much you want it will lead to nothing but more pain and gives fuel to tears and anger and pain and what not.

Try structured therapy -- you never know, you may find that the other therapist is just as good as the one you're seeing now. And then you'll have 2 people in your life that give you the guidance, care, and direction that you feel you need. You can only gain from that.

 

[ladylore]

But because I love my therapist so much, I don't want to change to do a different type of therapy that is more structured.

I've heard the metaphor that you sit on your therapist's lap while she makes things better and then when you're ready, you will leave her lap and go out into the world on your own.

You may not have to change therapists but it would be a great idea to talk with her about really structuring your sessions. Talk about your goals and how she can help you get to them.

One thing I do want to correct regarding the metaphor. Youdo the work. She doesn't make anything better. She provides the space and may teach you tools to use but you do all the work. You make yourself better.

And yes it is true, I have become much more independant through the therapy process.

:support:

 

[poss]

Thanks Lana for your reply. I'm a bit confused though. I should also point out that my therapist isn't actually suggesting structured therapy for me, it's just something I wondered about whether it would be better for me. She isn't really suggesting anything, more just giving me the options. I don't understand about an attachment that is no longer beneficial to me or her. In what way would it not be beneficial? I know that things can go too far in terms of client and therapist but mostly I thought it was supposed to be a good thing to have a strong attachment because when it is worked through, it can really help. Is that not true? I just don't understand anymore. If I went to another female therapist around the same age as my current one, I'm sure eventually I would develop the same sort of attachment. So doesn't that mean I should work through it? As painful as that would be...

Thanks also Ladylore for the encouragement. I'm thinking that if I see my therapist privately, she'll be more free to use different approches and maybe I'll be able to ask her to work in a more structured way with me. I think at the moment, she is under pressure from her supervisor to work in a certain way, as she has said several times "they want us to work like this..." or "we're not supposed to reassure people but..." etc. So I think maybe she would work differently in her own practice.

Anyways...I wish I could just write her a letter or print out all these posts and chuck them at her in a cowardly way so that she would get to know me a bit better. :sigh:

 

[Lana]

Hi Poss;

I misunderstood the structured therapy bit. I thought that she was recommending that to you, not that you were considering it. My bad. :blush:

I don't understand about an attachment that is no longer beneficial to me or her. In what way would it not be beneficial? I know that things can go too far in terms of client and therapist but mostly I thought it was supposed to be a good thing to have a strong attachment because when it is worked through, it can really help. Is that not true?

All relationships work best when there are clear boundaries set in place. These boundaries are even more important in a therapeutic relationships. In fact, the effectiveness of treatment hinges on a certain amount of detachment of the therapist from client.

Therapists, by very nature of what they do, are compassionate and are very in tune with their clients (at least we hope they are ) If a therapist is crosses that boundary with a client, he or she is at risk of loosing objectivity and being swallowed by whatever feelings the client may be suffering from. That will prevent him or her to act in the best interest of the client.

For you to feel transference may be a good thing as it will allow you to address any outstanding issues that may be affecting your mental and emotional well being. So, it's ok to tell your therapist that you're experiencing this transference, but it is not ok to expect her to fill the role of a "missing" mother. Your therapist needs to know that you're feeling this way as it will help her guage your sessions and use this transference. If this is causing you too much distress, then it just may be that you're not ready for this stage of therapy and, again, she needs to know this so that she can help you with it.

I hope this makes more sense.

 

[David Mowry]

Poss,
As pointed out within Ladylore's; Lana's; and Halo's replys I believe you
may need to allow your therapist to view your posts, an open and honest dialogue is essential, not only for the therapist, but also for you.

 

[eTransference]

Today my therapist said that she is "the mother you can never have". I know that was referring to the transference that has been happening because she has been really nice and supportive to me like a mum. It just really hurt when she said that she's the mother I can never have. I was already insanely jealous of her two children because I imagine her to be a really caring mum and now I feel ever sadder that she isn't mine too. I'm questioning how helpful it is for someone like me to find out what I've been missing all my life, to find out how it really feels for someone to care for you and encourage you like your parents didn't. Maybe ignorance is bliss in this case? Because the more I experience what I've never had, the more I don't want to lose it again and the sadder and angrier I am that I didn't have it. How does it help me to feel this and then to have it taken away from me again when the therapy ends? I don't understand how to get through this. I don't understand why it's supposed to be a good thing to work through transference or for it even to be there in the first place. Maybe I should be avoiding therapists of my mum's age instead.

Any thoughts would be really welcome.

Thanks so much,

Poss

Hi Poss,

I think your question is a very poignant one, and one I can certainly relate to on a personal level. First of all, you are absolutely correct in seeing your situation as being deeply rooted in your transference-relationship (that sounds kind of theoretically redundant, but I think you understand what I?m saying). I know it?s extremely difficult to hear, but your therapist is right in noting that she ?is the mother you can never have.? Personally, I wouldn?t have put it that way if I were in her position. I can imagine that the transference you feel for her is very strong, especially given her age and so forth.

You questioned the possibility of seeing a therapist who is not of your mother?s age. Personally, in my experience as a patient (and having familiarized myself with much of the corresponding literature), it doesn?t seem to matter whether or not your therapist is you mother?s age, or even a woman for that matter! You see, the issue is your underlying feelings as expressed and experienced in your relationship with your therapist. These feelings ultimately are very primitive in nature and thus originate from a much earlier time in your life ? one of early development. As such, most patients find it quite difficult to deal with these feelings, and to truly understand them. In my opinion, this is oftentimes one of the most important parts of therapy. I know it?s difficult and uncomfortable as hell, but try and look at it as part of the process.

Being told you can?t have something you want is never easy, and yes, it is often experienced as a loss. Letting go of this is extremely difficult, and ultimately is a loss. Let yourself grieve. I did. Like I said, it certainly is a process, and can take a long time. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. Give yourself permission to feel and experience whatever emotions come to mind and surface. It?s well worth it in the end, and I do believe you?ll feel better. Also, reassure yourself that while you can?t get what you missed out on as a child, you can get things that are even better on an adult level, and, through therapy, you can learn to have amazing adult relationships. You seem to have a strong connection with your therapist, which is great ? it has been said that the therapeutic relationship can be the most rewarding relationship.

Anyway, I hope this helps. I completely empathize with your situation and am in the stage of finally beginning to accept that I can?t have what I should have gotten long ago. Stick with it ? it eventually will get better and easier. Feel free to follow up with any other questions you may have, especially with regards to transference.

All the best,

-eTransference