Being rational

[Ashley-Kate]

okay i don't' know if it is because i have a past of abuse that i am freaking out about this or if it is normal that i am not sure , today i was confronted with a man that has been in my family as a friend ever since my parents divorced and he came to be like a father fro me cause of the absence of my biological father but anyway today he sat me on his knees against him tight and asked me if i knew how much he loved me i told him yes like any girl would say to her father and he looked me in the eyes and told me he was in love i am 18 he is 48 he then asked me if i wanted to be with him and i was so scared i answered i was already in a couple with someone to get away from an awkward situation but it only got worst he told me to think about it and then kissed my neck , than he told me again tat he loved me and that he couldn't wait to taste my lips he tried to kiss them but i turned my face and he kissed my neck once again i just feel sooo disgusted i don't want to leave home or move i keep washing my hands and my neck and my face over and over but i just feel like i caused this somehow i sent him the wrong impression.. anyway I am freaked out i don't know what to say to him my mom doesn't want me near him but i feel i need to explain to him but how??
yours truly
Ashley

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: being rationnal

am freeked out i don't know what to say to him my mom doesn'T want me near him but i feel i need to explain to him but how??

I would agree with your mom. Just stay away. If I was you and I saw him on the street, I would just do a 180-degree turn and be obvious that I was avoiding him.

i just feel like i caused this somehow i sent him the rong impression..

Of course, it's nothing of your doing. He's obviously living quite instinctually.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: being rationnal

you're not being irrational and you did not cause this. you don't owe him an explanation. i think avoiding him would be the right thing to do.

:hug:

 

[Halo]

Re: being rationnal

I agree that you owe him nothing in a way of an explanation and your best bet is to stay away from him....as far away from him as possible. I know you said that your Mom doesn't want you near him but is that because you told her what happened or if you haven't told her, do you think that you can tell your mom about what happened and get her support?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

my mom is aware of the situation and she is very upset cause a couple of weeks ago i went to her when i found that he was acting a bit odd around me and i thought it was a bit strange and well she dissagreed she thought he was just acting like a father figure of some sort and told me to let it be i let it be so yesterday when i told her she was extremly mad but also felt bad because she didn't trust my opinion before

 

[Ashley-Kate]

well things sort of turned sour in some ways ii went to the mall the other day and well he was there waiting for me as i left my boyfriend after saying godbye he was at the other end of the hall way staring at me and then when i reached near him he started talkinmg to me and i just stood there saying nothing he told me that his whife left him he was crying and well he took me in his arms and told me that he loved me and i couldnt even get away i felt frozen i just let him take me in his arms , once he left i went to the bathroom and was in shock i felt he owned me that i could not get away from him and my boyfriend saw me when i got out and came to me and asked me if it was "him" i told him yes and he offered to come to the police station with me but i had to go to work i went to go back and see my mom but he was there my mom didn't say anything cause she wants me to do something about it .. i am sooo scared i can't even leave the house i freak out every time the phone rings or at work when someone gets in the store tomorrow i am going to go see the security at school to ask them to watch out for him so he doesn't come there , i am also going to go see a police officer that works in my school to see what can be done but other than that i am freeking out i did not even leave the house he is everywere i go ..
help ashley

 

[Daniel E.]

he was at the other end of the hall way staring at me and then when i reached near him

Obviously, at least in retrospect, it was a mistake to approach his direction. You are doing the right thing by contacting school security and the police. At a minimum, the police can provide you with some safety tips.

he took me in his arms and told me that he loved me and i couldnt even get away i felt frozen i just let him take me in his arms ,

Why didn't you scream? You were in a public place, so I don't understand why you let him touch you without screaming, even though he WAS a family friend. Anyway, the important thing is to ensure you don't freeze if you see him again.

 

[Halo]

Daniel,

I understand what you are trying to say about screaming being in a public place but I know all too well the feeling that Ashley-Kate experienced and being in that frozen state and being unable to move or speak. Hindsight is great when you think back and realize that yes screaming may have avoided the contact but until you have actually experienced that state, it is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there.

Of course this is just my opinion based on personal experience.

 

[Daniel E.]

Anger is really helpful in such situations. One can also practice screaming at home (I'm serious.)

 

[Daniel E.]

i am sooo scared i can't even leave the house i freak out every time

Unfortunately, such anxiety may also help explain the frozen fright reaction you had at the mall. In any case, taking a self-defense class may be empowering.

 

[ThatLady]

Ashley, report this man to the police immediately. Get a restraining order to keep him away from you. Do not allow him to control your life, or to cause you to live in fear. Report him now and take the necessary steps to get him out of your life once and forever!

 

[Daniel E.]

I totally agree and wonder why I didn't think of that before. One of the most important things to state on the request for restraining order form may be:

he told me...he couldn't wait to taste my lips he tried to kiss them but i turned my face and he kissed my neck once again

This along with the fact that he waited for you at the mall and grabbed a hold of you should be more than enough to get a restraining order.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, the mall security people may have a video tape of the incident.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, the "frozen fright" reaction is more common than the "fight-or-flight" reaction in most cases of rape:

“There is that conventional wisdom that victims should fight and kick and scream,” Lorah said. “Most victims actually freeze when the terror kicks in, an almost out-of-body-type of experience, a disassociative kind of thing. Some victims fight and kick and scream and that gets them even more seriously hurt – it gets them beaten.”

“Frozen fright is what it’s called,” Cook said.

People seem to forget too that men almost always are larger and stronger than women, experts said.

“It’s great to say, ‘I would fight,’” said veteran State College police Detective Chris Weaver, who has been investigating sexual-assault cases for seven years. “But when it’s someone you know, someone you respected, everyone responds differently. There is no stereotypical response to a sexual assault.”

McQuaid, based on her own experience, agrees the most common response is to do nothing.

“You think to yourself, if someone is raping me right now, is he also capable of killing me?” McQuaid said. “When people are terrorized, they are frozen.”

www.ncdsv.org/images/Rape Victims Often Held Responsible.pdf (July 2006)

So this would be another reason to be proactive, e.g. get a restraining order and get advice from the police.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah i know what you mean i really had no choice butto go in his direction cause there is 2 exits in the mall and the only one i could take was the one near were i was going to work and that was were he was at and i don't know why i didn't scream i feel so powerless when he is there i feel as if he can play me as a doll use me that is why in normal surcomsatnces i avoid him but otherwise i am just unable to defend myself from him ... i am just freeking out i don't understand why me .. why is this happening
ashley

 

[ThatLady]

The important thing is not why this is happening, Ashley. The important thing is to stop it from happening again. You need to take action immediately.

 

[Daniel E.]

I am just freeking out i don't understand why me .. why is this happening

What about the police? Are you contacting the police? Are you going to file a restraining order?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i just feel that if i cal the police i haven't really told him to lay off to leave me alone i just moved away that's all .. maybe i am the one that is not clear enough in my messages

 

[ThatLady]

Ashley, don't analyze the problem. It's a major issue. Call the police immediately!

 

[Daniel E.]

That's what happens. The victims blame themselves. You need to report everything to the police and request a restraining order. You have nothing to lose by doing so. We are talking about your physical and emotional well-being, after all.