[Trigger] Can Abusive Husbands Change?

[Always Changing]

I feel he has way too much to lose, maybe I aint getting something?

He is playing his game in my opinion and right now you are still his pawn, as long as you think as you do then he still has control over how you think, feel and react. Believing you are in no danger from him is exactly where he wants you to be, that way you won't see it coming!.
Think of it this way, at the minute he is waiting trial, you believe\maybe even hope that he will do time for what he has inflicted upon you. Now try and put yourself in his mind, maybe he believes the same thing, about doing time. Some people who are in this mind frame will think they have NOTHING to lose by inflicting more harm.. sure it will be taken into account and he will do the time anyways.


NOW is the time to be very very careful of this man, imho. If you cannot see it then please allow those who can to guide you at this time.

 

[pritchbouse]

NOW is the time to be very very careful of this man, imho. If you cannot see it then please allow those who can to guide you at this time.

This is what every one says!

 

[white page]

I feel awkward even having an alarm, like hey i am fine its not that bad, yet EVERYONE is screaming it is! What am I not comprehending? What makes me feel like he is no threat except, verbally and emotionally?

I have no intention of dropping the charges, he nearly killed me and I have plates & mesh in place to hold my eye socket and cheek together. It's over 2 months and my eye is still black, scarred and my sight will never be the same. He hit me with a full can of beer for being with my mate, but in his head I was with a man!

It is bad, it is very bad, as I said there are so many ambivelent emotions in these situations, which makes it essential that you see a councellor, to help you understand why you think it's not too bad, after escaping death from his hand.

He hit me with a full can of beer for being with my mate, but in his head I was with a man!

Would he have hit a man for the same motive? would he have hit a man capable of defending himself?

Whether or not you have emotional ties or not with a person, doesn't make the abuse justifiable.

There is no way, ever, that this behaviour is justifiable in any circumstance.

Again I repeat, it is very bad.

please see a councellor as soon as possible.
Sorry I just reread this post and gosh I sound harsh,
I didn't mean to. I have scars on my face which remind me everyday how lucky I was to get away. I kept making excuses too, saying it was my fault he got cross because I was such a useless person, funny thing is that I didn't think I was so useless before I married him.

Years of emotional abuse led me ro think this and imprisoned me in his circle of control. And it began as me thinking this is the man of my life.

 

[pritchbouse]

I am Pritchbouse ....just lost my sign in etc

I left and ignored all advice as I believed "he would change" every item listed in signs of abusers and abused I can tick. I was manipulated into being uncoperative with courts, helped lowered his outcome from 5 year custodial, to rehab etc.

Jesus, since been 38 calls, another black eye, raped (which I refused to ever disclose occurred through r'ship) and stalked, and used killing himself, public humiliation and so on and on and on. Now I have multi agencies protecting me and the kids and yet I'm trying to start my own business. He has 2 years suspended but polce now gathering evidence to finally place him in custody. Only now I see why you you all warned me.

Abuse is so subliminal, and after the realisation, exposure and finally disclosing what me and the kids suffered is the hardest, lost 20 ish pounds in 2 weeks, cry all the time, and feel so low and pathetic, and cannot recall ever being so mentally confused.

However, finally I see the abuse like a book and although feel a fool, will never let it go this time, but I will never let another person near my kids or myself................. thanks for the warnings wished I could see what you knew was happening xxxxx

 

[forgetmenot]

I am so sorry you suffered so. Thank you for your post it will help others see the dangers of such a violent person. I hope you and your children are safe and can finally start your new life without the violence. I hope also you are getting therapy for your trauma and therapy for your children who will need all the help they can get to deal with all that they have been through take care

 

[Murray]

Pritchbouse, I am so sorry that you have been through this difficult situation. I hope that you are getting all the support that you need for you and your children to stay safe and well. Please don't feel like a fool, or pathetic. It can be so so hard to get out of abusive relationships, the abusers often so good at manipulating and controlling. Be gentle with yourself as you work to heal from this. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

 

[busybee]

Hello Pritchbouse,

Living in an abusive relationship, your reality changes where you start to accept the unacceptable as normal and you measure your days by the percentage ........... My husband did hurt me, he did stop physically abusing me but then all the other forms of abuse just stepped up. He never sought help as he believed and convinced my that it was all my fault. I stayed for a long time. My children have also suffered as a result of the abuse both emotional, physical and mental abuse. Control. It all comes down to control. If the relationship is broke and he is demonstrating through his actions that he is not prepared to fix it.............well you know. Deep in your heart you know the answer. I would have stayed with my husband indefinitely. I would still be there I am constantly grieving and continue to blame myself for all the wrongs and injustices. But you know .......... it is grieving for the 'might have beens or could have beens'.

Look after yourself, care for your children. Let him own his own actions. Dont believe the lies he is telling you. True friends will know the truth. You know the truth. Act with integrity and be sure you are on the road to healing and providing a safer place for you and your children. Be brave .......... there are a lot of us out there ........... My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Yuray]

but I will never let another person near my kids or myself.................

completely understandable sentiments (by whom?.......hmmm....I'm willing to bet by EVERYONE in here at one time or another)!

wished I could see what you knew was happening xxxxx

lawyers don't defend themselves, doctors don't heal themselves, victims don't victimize themselves, (nor do they see the scope of being victimized). It takes objectivity to understand these things, and when you are in the middle of something personal, there is little objectivity.

That we in here could help is because we had no emotional stake in the outcome, not because we are brilliant, or you were lacking. You in time, if you stay here in these forums, will see that you can objectivley help others as you have been helped. We are all in here for objective assistance in a way, and now, 'you're just one of the gang'!

Welcome to the Psychlinks Zoo where everyday a new and unique animal joins the wonderful circus of life we share here.

 

[SoSo]

Pritchbouse, reading your posts is like reading the story of my life with my ex. I haven't been posting or answering posts lately due to personal health problems but this one hit home with me. I am sorry that you and your children have gone through this. I agree with what the others said. If I was back where you are now I may not have because I wanted to believe my ex loved me, I wanted to believe he would get help and change. It was so hard when I finally realized it was not love, it was control. I also listened to the psychiatrist after he was put in hospital for trying to kill me. The psychiatrist told me he was a narcissist and pathological liar and would never change. He told me to get out while I still could or the only way I would get out would be in a wooden box. Waking up to a loaded 22 rifle pressed against my temple told me my worst fears, he would kill me if I didn't leave. Unfortunately, like you, it took more than one attempt to break that cycle of violence. I had a little girl I loved with all my heart and when she cried for her daddy, it broke my heart, I went back, again and again. Finally, I left. It ruined my children, they saw too much violence from him, I never fought back as I had been beaten in submission as a child. My daughter unfortunately inherited her fathers disorders, my son is the type of hands off person, does not like to be touched. I blame myself for what happened to them. There were no shelters, no help for battered women back then. I think that is one of the things that kept me there besides the children, I had absolutely no where to go. Now, there are wonderful people to help, groups like this, people who care. Please, take care of you and your children, heal. I forgave my ex many years ago but do not want him any where near me or in my life, haven't seen him in well over a decade. I have peace in my life now, have friends, support, etc. I have no abuse. It is wonderful. I wish the same for you and your children, peace and in time and help with counseling, etc, that will happen.
SoSo:support:

 

[pritchbouse]

Thanks for the replies & support

I am totally familiar with all of your stories, finally MARAC (UK) Multi Agency Risk Assessment Committee have finally stepped in, realising the danger he posed to me and the children. I am too exhausted to detail it all but finally hope to get the support I need, and pray he gets prison now I am strong enough to stand against him.

No doubt it's affected my kids, I feel ashamed I let them witness what they have, but at that time you just try and contain the situation, and you try to shield them to the best you can when there seems no way out. I know there is a process all victims/survivors have to go through, just wish I could fast forward it all. Outwardly people find me confident and probably cant believe or don't believe that I have tolerated what I have. But guess that was a coping strategy.

I am confident that he has some disorder, why the hell do they appear so charming to the outside? and how do they manage to convince people, even yourself that YOUR the problem?

It's moving on from here thats an issue, still asking myself was it ME? I feel I could never trust my judgement again, and how the hell do you know how to recognise abusers again? Sorry I am just so so confused still.

 

[busybee]

Hey there, look what you have done shows remarkable strength and fortitude. It sounds like a really difficult journey that you have been on, but from now on you lay down new memories and have new beginnings. Children are resilient and forgiving and they respond to unconditional love. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My oldest children saw violence and abuse, they forgive me and wonder why I did not leave their father sooner. I stayed 29 years. I admire you, keep you safe and your children well. It may be difficult to learn to trust your judgement, but just take it slowly. I still accept the BLAME for all that went wrong in our relationship, and since leaving am making mistakes in judgement. Set up boundaries of what you expect and what you won't put up with, from there enjoy the living.

 

[pritchbouse]

Thank you, I am so proud of my kids and in all fairness Child Protection, schools etc, spoke highly of my parenting and remarked how well I had coped.

My eldest 3 turned on him, when he made a suicide attempt a few weeks back they totally shocked me by their attitudes, saying hope he does a good job etc, and the final bit was my 5 year old hugging me in bed and he said "I hate my dad, he is nasty to you" and we think we are hiding it?

The 3 eldest do not want contact and say they HATE him, the youngest is the hardest I have stated he can have contact only via a Contact Center, obviously this involves having no contact with me, therefore I am certain he wont be bothered. I am getting better daily, I need to build my esteem and confidence.

I spent my childhood in DV and sheltered housing for battered wives, so I worry I am like a magnet? I seem to wanna fix everyone, which was explained as avoidance of my problems?? I dont get it all?

I wonder though I developed a stutter/stammer as a child .....I still internally but have learnt to avoid trigger words, and use loads of um's and bridge words etc, anyone know of good research, whether it's caused, or a reaction and whether it's a trait of a personality type? I was humiliated badly as a child and wonder if this has had a long term effect?