Please realize this is the first time I've ever let anyone else know this. I was always quiet and shy as a child. When I got to highschool I was still quiet and shy. I didn't have the normal life of a teenager becuase I never went on dates, had friends, went to games, or drove. I only talked to people to say hello or when spoken to. Of course I speak if required by the teacher. My life consisted of staying in my room and watching tv/playing video games. This may be hard to understand but occasionally I would participate in my own fantasical alternate reality game in which I played by myself. I would play the part of several characters but the game revolved around two main characters. I would play different games with these two characters and they would always love each other. They represented my idea of perfection which was the appearance and they stood for something. This game was my life. Even though before coming to college I promised myself I would stop, I couldn't. When I do participate in it however, it is never as fun as it once was and lacks imagination. I wanted to change who I was when I came to college by talking to everyone and being more sociable like my mother or like everyone else in this world. But, I lack social skills which is understandable becuase I never talked to people. I never minded not talking to people but now I don't even have my family to talk to. I used to be a loner and now I'm just lonely. I guess the problem I have is that I realize that I have a problem but deep down inside I don't want to fix. Despite the fact that I need social skills to succeed in this world or that my lack of social skills has caused me to just barely get by instead of excel, I still don't want to change. I want to remain true to myself but at the same time I want to be the person that everyone loves to be around. Nowadays, I am not shy but only quiet. I am more comfortable being in public but I just don't talk. I don't have anything to say and when I do say things people always go "what" or just shake their head like they heard me. I don't really have low self esteem, despite my terrible face and fat body, but I let other people dictate how I feel sometimes. I had terrible skin for nearly half my life without any treatment so I have come to accept it. I know that everyone else thinks I am ugly but sometimes I look in the mirror and just don't see what they see. I love my body but I hate the fact that I am not in shape. Lately, I've noticed that I don't express my emotions except for when I am by myself. I can laugh so hard when I am alone but when around other people that laugh is a shy smile. I don't know who I am until I am alone. I love being alone when in private and it isn't a problem until I am out in public and am always the girl who is by herself. This doesn't get to me that much cuase I don't go out alot. As far as relationships i they are nearly non existant. My family thinks I am a lesbian. This gets to me because I give them no reason to think this besides the fact that I haven't been in a relationship. I admit I am a bit tomboyish but I am attracted to men. My problem is that only old men have tried to talk to me. Now that I am older and am more comfortable with old men my problem is that they only see me as sex material and not as a girl friend material. It only took me one guy to know that that was not what I wanted so now I am celibate. Anyway, my problem is that I feel like I have so much potential. I feel like I could seriously change the world but something is holding me back. it is so beyond just me being a quiet girl. What is wrong with me? I know this is a lot and I know you probably don't care about most of it but it feels so good to get this off my chest even if it is just a small portion of it.
- Thread starter spincilly
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there's a lot of things that come to my mind when reading your post. 1st of all it's always difficult to change old habits or ways one has come accustomed to live in, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. just b/c you were shy or a withdrawn in hs does not mean that this is what you will be like for the rest of your life. btw, there is nothing wrong w/ prefering this type of lifestyle unless it interferes w/ your ability to suceed in life and makes you unhappy. the life you describe you didn't have, the "normal" life, is only what society puts on a pedistule as normal. whatever is normal and comfortable for you works, don't get yourself down about not having been "normal". this game that you talked about, is it a video game (I got confused there)? finding something you once found enjoybale not so great anymore is ok, maybe you changed your opinion of what "perfection" is and in terms of what satisfies you.
I don't think it's so much a matter of changing you as a person, then to learn a few social skills and find out what makes you happy in life. don't go after trying to change all of you, you'll never be happy b/c we set ourselves up for failure by trying to change us as a person. there's a difference btwn having been a "loner" which describes a type of person and that person's activities/relationships vs. being lonely which implies you're not happy w/ the way things are going. I guess what I'm trying to say is that people won't be unhappy unless they realize a) there's more out there and b)they want what is out there. you can learn social skills or improve your existing ones. people do this all the time and you're definitely not alone trying to be more "social". there's courses and workshops in being more social!!!
how do you try to start converations w/ people? you can learn skills for communication as well, and practice will help you a lot w/ this! scary but it helps. don't let other people dictate the way you feel about yourself. this can lead to a lot of problems and self-esteem issues which you said you don't have, so you should be happy about that. there are acne treatments out there (if that's what you mean), they're inventing new stuff all the times, go talk to a dermatologist about this. if you love your body (congrats) but hate not being in shape, again, there's ways to fix that. in healthy ways I might add. if you were to take a fitness class at the community centre per say then you'd be guaranteed to meet people and can get fit!
try to learn ways to express who you are when you're w/ other people or just out in the public. take a risk. tell someone a joke and laugh. put together an outfit that has a statement. learn to paint or sculpt and express yourself in that way. try to reunite the you when alone and when w/ other people. if you feel you have so much potential then use that and try to reach your goals and follow your dreams. who's there to stop you but yourself? btw, from what you've said I don't think "this" as in what you have described is anxiety per say an anxiety disorder, but you may very well be axious when it comes to talking to people, being in public situations, or just being you around others.
I don't think it's so much a matter of changing you as a person, then to learn a few social skills and find out what makes you happy in life. don't go after trying to change all of you, you'll never be happy b/c we set ourselves up for failure by trying to change us as a person. there's a difference btwn having been a "loner" which describes a type of person and that person's activities/relationships vs. being lonely which implies you're not happy w/ the way things are going. I guess what I'm trying to say is that people won't be unhappy unless they realize a) there's more out there and b)they want what is out there. you can learn social skills or improve your existing ones. people do this all the time and you're definitely not alone trying to be more "social". there's courses and workshops in being more social!!!
you can remain true to yourself and become that person that everyone loves to be around. if you learn to accept yourself for who you are this will shine through and people will start to like you for just that.
how do you try to start converations w/ people? you can learn skills for communication as well, and practice will help you a lot w/ this! scary but it helps. don't let other people dictate the way you feel about yourself. this can lead to a lot of problems and self-esteem issues which you said you don't have, so you should be happy about that. there are acne treatments out there (if that's what you mean), they're inventing new stuff all the times, go talk to a dermatologist about this. if you love your body (congrats) but hate not being in shape, again, there's ways to fix that. in healthy ways I might add. if you were to take a fitness class at the community centre per say then you'd be guaranteed to meet people and can get fit!
try to learn ways to express who you are when you're w/ other people or just out in the public. take a risk. tell someone a joke and laugh. put together an outfit that has a statement. learn to paint or sculpt and express yourself in that way. try to reunite the you when alone and when w/ other people. if you feel you have so much potential then use that and try to reach your goals and follow your dreams. who's there to stop you but yourself? btw, from what you've said I don't think "this" as in what you have described is anxiety per say an anxiety disorder, but you may very well be axious when it comes to talking to people, being in public situations, or just being you around others.
thanks for replying. I appreciate you taking the time to read all that and trying to encourage me instead of putting me down. I never thought I had a normal life but I was always comfortible. To clear things up, the game I played with myself was not a video game. It was an imaginary game almost similar to games kids play when they play "house". The only difference was that I played by myself and was all of the characters like the momma, the daddy, and child. My game was always more complex than that of course. One character I play may be a famous basketball player. He was a real player but one I created. So I would pretend like I was this guy who was the greatest player ever and express his emotions and thoughts and live his life from my point of view. He may love this woman so I would pretend to be this perfect lady who he was attracted to. Or he may have an enemy who is a drug dealer so I would pretend to be a antagonistic character who was always wrong. I would go back and forth between characters while they were conversating. I guess you could say I was talking to myself but to me it was two people talking to each other.
I don't really think I am shy, just unusually quiet. When I don't talk, people say that I am just shy but I honestly just don't have anything to say and I don't know what to talk about. On the rare occasions that I start occasions I usually end up not knowing how to finish. For example, I may ask a question to start a conversation but then when someone answers I return to being quiet. I think about everything that should be said so that I can be ready but when the other person says something unexpectantly I don't know how to react.
As far as my skin goes, there is nothing I can do about it right now because I have no money nor any transportation. I am pretty much comfortible in my skin to the extent that I think any person in my position would be but I have noticed that more people are staring at me more often. That is probably because I am around new people who aren't used to seeing my skin.
I plan on expressing myself when I can get a job, buy some clothes, and get my hair did. I try to use the fact that I have nothing to express myself by being the person who is non materialistic and who doesn't care about anything (on the inside I do care though). I thrive on being different but I hate when people talk about it negatively. I always tell jokes but people just don't realize it. I would that 80% of what I say in a day is meant to be funny. People don't laugh at my jokes probably becuase they don't hear or get them but I think I am hilarious even if I don't laugh.
I could write a thousand books about my life and how I feel but I could never say it out loud unless I was alone. I talk to myself more than I talk to anyone else. It is never anything more than me thinking out loud but I do it alot just to talk a little. I feel like people don't understand me and I feel like people are constantly judging me. When I was younger, that was the reason I didn't talk. Now I don't talk because I suck at it and I really don't have anything to say. If I don't have anxiety then what is wrong with me if anything.
I don't really think I am shy, just unusually quiet. When I don't talk, people say that I am just shy but I honestly just don't have anything to say and I don't know what to talk about. On the rare occasions that I start occasions I usually end up not knowing how to finish. For example, I may ask a question to start a conversation but then when someone answers I return to being quiet. I think about everything that should be said so that I can be ready but when the other person says something unexpectantly I don't know how to react.
As far as my skin goes, there is nothing I can do about it right now because I have no money nor any transportation. I am pretty much comfortible in my skin to the extent that I think any person in my position would be but I have noticed that more people are staring at me more often. That is probably because I am around new people who aren't used to seeing my skin.
I plan on expressing myself when I can get a job, buy some clothes, and get my hair did. I try to use the fact that I have nothing to express myself by being the person who is non materialistic and who doesn't care about anything (on the inside I do care though). I thrive on being different but I hate when people talk about it negatively. I always tell jokes but people just don't realize it. I would that 80% of what I say in a day is meant to be funny. People don't laugh at my jokes probably becuase they don't hear or get them but I think I am hilarious even if I don't laugh.
I could write a thousand books about my life and how I feel but I could never say it out loud unless I was alone. I talk to myself more than I talk to anyone else. It is never anything more than me thinking out loud but I do it alot just to talk a little. I feel like people don't understand me and I feel like people are constantly judging me. When I was younger, that was the reason I didn't talk. Now I don't talk because I suck at it and I really don't have anything to say. If I don't have anxiety then what is wrong with me if anything.
ThatLady
Member
You might have social anxiety, hon. You're certainly not alone, if you do. Do you feel anxious inside when you're around a group of people? Do you wish you could just run away and be alone again? If so, that might indicate a tendency to social anxiety. The problem is treatable with therapy and, sometimes, medications.
As for your imaginary world...I had one, too, well into my twenties. Since all the characters were "played" by me, I could predict what they'd do. It was a safe world, but not a lonely one in a sense. Now, I've given up the characters and just talk to myself. It doesn't bother me a bit. Talking to myself, I always get the answers I want. ;-)
As Eunoia said, social graces can be learned. Yet, not everyone is a social being. Some of us really prefer to be alone. We must learn to communicate with others in order to make our way in the world, but that doesn't mean we have to change ourselves and become social butterflies. It just means we must learn to interact with others in a productive way. Some of this can be done by watching and listening closely to those who do seem to get along well without needing to be the center of attention, since the "center of attention" types aren't really what we want to be.
As for your imaginary world...I had one, too, well into my twenties. Since all the characters were "played" by me, I could predict what they'd do. It was a safe world, but not a lonely one in a sense. Now, I've given up the characters and just talk to myself. It doesn't bother me a bit. Talking to myself, I always get the answers I want. ;-)
As Eunoia said, social graces can be learned. Yet, not everyone is a social being. Some of us really prefer to be alone. We must learn to communicate with others in order to make our way in the world, but that doesn't mean we have to change ourselves and become social butterflies. It just means we must learn to interact with others in a productive way. Some of this can be done by watching and listening closely to those who do seem to get along well without needing to be the center of attention, since the "center of attention" types aren't really what we want to be.
ok, I take back what I said about the anxiety thing... if you think you may have social anxiety etc. and only you are the best judge of that then I think it'd be worth to do something about it, find more informaton about it, and go talk to someone.
you do have things to express yourself with. your humor for example. it's not all materialistic and what I was trying to see was just to give you an example, ie. there's tons of stores out there (ie. thrift, department stores) that have clothes at cheap/reasonable prices... accessories are awesome ways to personalize in a cost- effective way! if you're having a conversation w/ someone and you actually initiate it and they respond, try to keep the flow going... build on the feedback/resposne they just gave you. add in a new sentence, ask more open-ended questions, ask them to elaborate, tell them about your own opinion in regards to the topic... if all else fails, switch topics.... practice on "safe" people, ie. either someone you already know or do small talk in the public, ie. at the grocery store etc. to practice (this may sound weird or anxiety provoking, but in the 1st case you have nothing to lose b/c they already know you and in the 2nd case it's ok b/c you'll probably never see them again).
don't get caught up on trying to "treat" yourself... no one "diagnosed" you, I can't do that, no one else here can do that, you can't do that... go talk to someone!! they'll suggest ways to do whatever it is that will make you be able to reach the goals you want to reach. if treatment is necessary they'll determine that... if you're just thinking of what you can do right now or in the st look at some of the suggestions we gave you...
you do have things to express yourself with. your humor for example. it's not all materialistic and what I was trying to see was just to give you an example, ie. there's tons of stores out there (ie. thrift, department stores) that have clothes at cheap/reasonable prices... accessories are awesome ways to personalize in a cost- effective way! if you're having a conversation w/ someone and you actually initiate it and they respond, try to keep the flow going... build on the feedback/resposne they just gave you. add in a new sentence, ask more open-ended questions, ask them to elaborate, tell them about your own opinion in regards to the topic... if all else fails, switch topics.... practice on "safe" people, ie. either someone you already know or do small talk in the public, ie. at the grocery store etc. to practice (this may sound weird or anxiety provoking, but in the 1st case you have nothing to lose b/c they already know you and in the 2nd case it's ok b/c you'll probably never see them again).
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