Please realize this is the first time I've ever let anyone else know this. I was always quiet and shy as a child. When I got to highschool I was still quiet and shy. I didn't have the normal life of a teenager becuase I never went on dates, had friends, went to games, or drove. I only talked to people to say hello or when spoken to. Of course I speak if required by the teacher. My life consisted of staying in my room and watching tv/playing video games. This may be hard to understand but occasionally I would participate in my own fantasical alternate reality game in which I played by myself. I would play the part of several characters but the game revolved around two main characters. I would play different games with these two characters and they would always love each other. They represented my idea of perfection which was the appearance and they stood for something. This game was my life. Even though before coming to college I promised myself I would stop, I couldn't. When I do participate in it however, it is never as fun as it once was and lacks imagination. I wanted to change who I was when I came to college by talking to everyone and being more sociable like my mother or like everyone else in this world. But, I lack social skills which is understandable becuase I never talked to people. I never minded not talking to people but now I don't even have my family to talk to. I used to be a loner and now I'm just lonely. I guess the problem I have is that I realize that I have a problem but deep down inside I don't want to fix. Despite the fact that I need social skills to succeed in this world or that my lack of social skills has caused me to just barely get by instead of excel, I still don't want to change. I want to remain true to myself but at the same time I want to be the person that everyone loves to be around. Nowadays, I am not shy but only quiet. I am more comfortable being in public but I just don't talk. I don't have anything to say and when I do say things people always go "what" or just shake their head like they heard me. I don't really have low self esteem, despite my terrible face and fat body, but I let other people dictate how I feel sometimes. I had terrible skin for nearly half my life without any treatment so I have come to accept it. I know that everyone else thinks I am ugly but sometimes I look in the mirror and just don't see what they see. I love my body but I hate the fact that I am not in shape. Lately, I've noticed that I don't express my emotions except for when I am by myself. I can laugh so hard when I am alone but when around other people that laugh is a shy smile. I don't know who I am until I am alone. I love being alone when in private and it isn't a problem until I am out in public and am always the girl who is by herself. This doesn't get to me that much cuase I don't go out alot. As far as relationships i they are nearly non existant. My family thinks I am a lesbian. This gets to me because I give them no reason to think this besides the fact that I haven't been in a relationship. I admit I am a bit tomboyish but I am attracted to men. My problem is that only old men have tried to talk to me. Now that I am older and am more comfortable with old men my problem is that they only see me as sex material and not as a girl friend material. It only took me one guy to know that that was not what I wanted so now I am celibate. Anyway, my problem is that I feel like I have so much potential. I feel like I could seriously change the world but something is holding me back. it is so beyond just me being a quiet girl. What is wrong with me? I know this is a lot and I know you probably don't care about most of it but it feels so good to get this off my chest even if it is just a small portion of it.